How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

In a nearly empty London bar on a filthy winter's day, there were
several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical
American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its weather
and everything else about it.

He says loudly, "What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the
time, it's cold, wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is
served at the same temperature, the streets are packed and you can't
even get a cab."

Several people quietly leave.

He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says, "Hey,
limey:
how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?"

He is ignored, more people leave. After much more of this only the
gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are left.

He says, "Hey, limey, I'm talking to you. I've been to damn near
every country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how you
can bear to live here. This country is just the arsehole of the
world."

The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and,
turning, delicately enquires of the American, "Oh, yes. Just passing
through, are you?"

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2611150071210.gif

 

[wally2450]

One day little Johnny's teacher was teaching the class about
agriculture. To help with this, she was showing pictures of farm
equipment. She puts up the first picture, "What is this a picture of
class?" she asks.

Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks up his hand. Of
course, the teacher just knows that Johnny has something dirty in
mind and picks Suzy."What is this Suzy?".

"Its a rake".

"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" she asks and points
at the next picture. Johnny's hand shoots up and, little Anne
politely puts up her hand, and once again the teacher ignores little
Johnny.

"That's a pitchfork" says little Suzy.

"Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" The teacher asks
once more. Dead silence, only one student has their hand up, and of
course its little Johnny. Seeming as though no one else was
volunteering, the teacher asked Johnny. "OK Johnny, what is this?".

All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn't know the answer. "UH, UH,
its a shovel, yeah, it's a shovel."

"No Johnny, this isn't a shovel, this is a hoe".

"What?!?! My sister's a hoe and she doesn't look nutin' like that!!"

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2030557071211.gif

 

[wally2450]

What does it mean to be British?

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking
readers "What does it mean to be British?" Some of the
emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in
Switzerland is probably the best so far.

Being British is about driving in a German car to an
Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home,
grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way,
to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on
a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign.

 

[wally2450]

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked
by a rabid Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board off the nearby fence,
wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy. "Young Forty Niners' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious
Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Niners fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were." said
the
reporter and writes in. "Little Oakland Raiders' Fan Rescues Friend
From
Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in
the
Bay Area was either for the Niners or the Raiders. What team do you
root
for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan." the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little
Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

 

[wally2450]

A farmer walked into an Attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Farmer: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." Attorney: "well do you have any grounds?" Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres." Attorney: " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" Farmer: "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Farmer: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." : "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

 

[wally2450]

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
And then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three
year old was resisting a rest.

 

[wally2450]

Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft
and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all

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Joke # 5

Serious hearing problems

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your
family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conver-
sations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2007152781213.gif

 

[wally2450]

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in
the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that
tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe
fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that
one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take
two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two
cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in
the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

 

[wally2450]

Revival meeting

On the first night he pulled his revival meeting tent
into the Southern town, Preacher Bob had a full house.
After a long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting,
Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some
of you have been he'in and she'in without the benefit
of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of
this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent
until you have gotten right with Jesus."

The next night the revival tent is only half full.

After going through the same long, rousing and sweaty
revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now
I know that some of you have been he'in and he'in with-
out the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of
you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back
in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."

The next night the revival tent in only one quarter
full.

After going through the long, rousing and sweaty
revival meeting the third night, Preacher Bob says to
the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been
she'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament
of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin
are not welcome back in this tent until you have
gotten right with Jesus."

The next night there is only one man left in the
audience. It was ol' Klem, a middle aged virgin due
to his lack of sex appeal, even by hillbilly standards.

Preacher Bob says, "Now brother, you should feel proud
that you are still able to come to this tent tonight.
I want you to testify! Testify how it is that you are
able to join me tonight in this holy tent!"

Klem responds, "Shit preacher, you didn't say nothin'
bout me-in and me-in!"

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2007112223214.gif

 

[wally2450]

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young
woman who was pretty and intelligent. Later, aftr he persuaded
her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb
body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable
to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower
into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe,
her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while
she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection. Looking down at this, he snarled,

"Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they
call you a prick!"

 

[wally2450]

Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2007121018515.gif

 

[wally2450]

The Man Rules*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules " From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.


1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.


1. Crying is blackmail.


1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one


1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..


1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as FOOTBALL or KYLIE

1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!


1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;



But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[wally2450]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little TONY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little TONY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

 

[wally2450]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to
touch
any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons
he
had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one
labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon
his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't
have
nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the
WA
button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his
underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this
unbelievable
pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he
couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme
ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital
bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing
the
ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under
your
pillow.'

 

[wally2450]

An Angel wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will
leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head.

To handle others, use your heart.

God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.

Send it back, you'll see why !

 

[wally2450]

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year
old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

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Lights

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights
came on, indicating to the flight attendants that
breakfast could be served. One of the passengers, upset
because he was awakened, growled, "Who turned on the
f*ckin' lights?"

"Oh, no, sir," the nearest flight attendant replied.
"Those are the breakfast lights. You must have slept
through the f*ckin' lights."

 

[Anhedonic]

So a nun is running frantically down the street when she encounters a man.

"Is mass out?" she asks.

"No, but your hat is on crooked." he replies.

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2611160071217.gif

 

[wally2450]

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness
and kindness, can be trained to do most things."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

"When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum."

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. "

"It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of
laundry a week."

 

[looking4smile]

Merry Christmas!

"Ho, Ho, Ho Merry Christmas!" Santa Clause said when he saw your wife, mother and sister together.