How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into
the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of
her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?"
"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech
up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

 

[wally2450]

I was glancing over the front page of the Post Gazette the other day and saw that Alf Landon (Franklin Roosevelt's opponent in the 1936 election) had died at age 100. It reminded me of this story that FDR supposedly liked to tell.

There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?"

The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."

"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."

"Young man," he said, "the son of a bitch I'm looking for will be on the front page."

 

[wally2450]

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old son:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Little Johnny: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Little Johnny: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little Johnny looked up at his mother and replied, "Bud."

 

[wally2450]

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

 

[Mazuri]

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an
old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you
in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International
Orchestra."

"Spectacular!" the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of
England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!'
and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold,
and me with the damn piccolo.

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill
the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and
they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the damn piccolo.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove
the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the
trombone doesn't fit. AND ME WITH THE DAMN PICCOLO!"

 

[wally2450]

Now cheer up, Paul," soothed his buddy Bill over a couple of
Budweisers. "You and Louise seem to be doing just fine. And it seems
a little silly for you to be jealous of a German Shepherd, frankly.
After all, you work all day and you live out in the sticks. That
dog's good company for Louise." "Good company!" snorted Paul, nearly
spilling his beer. "Hey, the other night I caught her douching with
Gravy Train."

 

[wally2450]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Fanny (Age 22) was having trouble with one of her students

The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Fanny had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Fanny he would give Johnny a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Fanny and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."

Ms Fanny says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Johnny both agree.

Ms Fanny asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."

Ms Fanny: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Johnny: Coconut

Ms Fanny: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.
Johnny: Bubblegum

Ms Fanny: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Johnny: Shake hands

Ms Fanny: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Johnny: Yep.

Ms Fanny: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Johnny: Tent

Ms Fanny: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg.
Johnny: Wedding Ring

Ms Fanny: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Johnny: Nose

Ms Fanny: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Johnny: Arrow

Ms Fanny: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Johnny: Fire truck

Ms Fanny: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use your hand.
Johnny: Fork

Ms Fanny: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Johnny: Last Name

Ms Fanny: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Johnny: Heart

The principal wiped his forehead and breathing a sigh of relief said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Retirement i love this one




Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into
a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there
was a cop writing out a parking ticket.



I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person
a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
"Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing
a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him,
the more tickets he wrote.



Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he
was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08"



I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to
my health.

 

[smoothdevil]

SCAM




Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18- or 19-year-old girls come over
to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with
their breasts falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead
ask you for a ride to another Store. You agree and they get in
the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then
one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you,
while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this
upcoming weekend, as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

 

[thecharlieman]

where do you guys come up with these?

about fell out of my chair on a few of them!

but then, i may be easily amused, too.

 

[wally2450]

Retirement i love this one




Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into
a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there
was a cop writing out a parking ticket.



I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person
a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
"Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing
a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him,
the more tickets he wrote.



Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he
was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08"



I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to
my health.

Roflol!

 

[wally2450]

25 reasons I owe my mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I
just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're
in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught t me a bout CONTORTIONIST.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through
it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you
are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born
in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you

 

[wally2450]

When the man asked his widower father why he'd married a young
nymphomaniac whom he could never satisfy instead of a woman his own
age, the old man said, "Son, I'd rather have ten percent of a good
business than a hundred percent interest in a bankrupt one."

 

[wally2450]

Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time."

"Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

 

[Saucyminx]

Damn eels. *giggles*

 

[Ron54]

Woman speak

Words Women Use:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[smoothdevil]

> She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
> * She thought a quarterback was a refund.
> * She thought General Motors was in the army.
> * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
> * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
> * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:"
she wrote "Sagittarius."
>
> She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
> * She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
> * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
>
> She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * She tripped over a cordless phone.
> * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
> * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
> * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
>
> She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * She studied for a blood test.
> * She sold the car for gas money.
> * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
> * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.
>
> She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
> * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
> * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
> * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
> * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for
"This Goes In Front."
>
>
> AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
>
> She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
>
> She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
>
>

 

[Crush360]

Umm...umm....
Knock Knock?...

Why did the blonde fall out of a tree?
She was raking leaves.

*badumbum Chisssh*

 

[glynndah]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within
> > a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex
> > life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard
> > from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
> >
> > The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The
> > card said nothing but "Nescafe."
> > Mom was puzzled at first, but then went
> > to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last
> > drop."
> > Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
> >
> > The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
> > the card read:
> > "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands'
> > cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long.
> > King Size."
> > She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
> >
> > The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
> > week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a
> > whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky
> > handwriting were the words "British Airways.." Mom took out her latest
> > Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
> > and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
> > days a week, both ways." Mom fainted...

 

[wally2450]

We had some freezing rain overnight, then a little snow on
top of it that hid the ice. After backing out of the garage
I realized I'd forgotten a library book I needed to return
while I was out and about.

I didn't pull back into the garage, I stopped in the driveway
so I could let the truck warm up while I went back inside. I
stepped out of my truck on the snow-covered ice and my feet
went right out from under me lickety-split!

I'm usually pretty coordinated, but there was no way to stop
this fall. The first thing that hit was my head, on the step
bumper of the truck. Then I bounced onto the ground.

The first thing my wife asked was if I hurt the truck. That
woman is so crazy about me she's even concerned about my
truck - what a gal!

 

[wally2450]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within
> > a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex
> > life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard
> > from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
> >
> > The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The
> > card said nothing but "Nescafe."
> > Mom was puzzled at first, but then went
> > to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last
> > drop."
> > Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
> >
> > The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
> > the card read:
> > "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands'
> > cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long.
> > King Size."
> > She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
> >
> > The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
> > week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a
> > whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky
> > handwriting were the words "British Airways.." Mom took out her latest
> > Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
> > and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
> > days a week, both ways." Mom fainted...

Roflmao!

 

[wally2450]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

 

[Mazuri]

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all die.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun giggles and shyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns; one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line. St. Peter says, "Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?"

The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

 

[wally2450]

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to
pick only one.

 

[smoothdevil]

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to
pick only one.

lol ... depends on the woman ... beer is always good