How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?..."

"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!

What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

 

[MercyMia]

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

OMG!

 

[smoothdevil]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped
her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before
she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded. "Pepper."

 

[wally2450]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

 

[wally2450]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

 

[smoothdevil]

MAXIME As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember .......


1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way...Maxine's Wish For You...O.K., for all of us!

 

[wally2450]

A sweet young thing visiting Brooklyn's Zoo in Prospect Park one
Sunday asked the keeper where the monkeys were. Keeper: "They're in
the back, making love." Sweet young thing: "Would they come out for
some peanuts?" Keeper: "Would you?

 

[wally2450]

This is so true!

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office waiting room.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's office and say things like that.

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

[MercyMia]

More Medical Advice...

Medical Insurance
===========


The phone rings ... ...

The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from
another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease (memory
loss) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more
than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

[m.j.h]

I guess those of you who know me know I don't spent heaps of time talking about my personal life and I've not confided in you all here online before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

So anyway here goes..

..I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work. You don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way.

Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her mobile phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property. She then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my car next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Celica that I noticed a small amount of oil leaking from the center diff.

So is this something I can easily repair myself or do I need special tools?










^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
One for the car nuts out there. replace with whatever model you want and all good.

 

[wally2450]

A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for
peddling dirty pictures. "But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These
pictures aren't dirty."
Selecting one, the policeman said, "Do you mean to tell me this
isn't a dirty picture?"
The young man responded, "Don't be such a prude, officer!
Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"

 

[wally2450]

A young Native American child asks his grandfather how people get their names. The grandfather replies, the child is named for the first thing the mother sees after the birth.

"When your mother was born, your grandmother saw a deer running...hence, her name Running Deer. Your grandmother saw an Eagle flying in the sky...hence his name...Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

 

[wally2450]

The ladies at lunch

Mary: My ex insulted me every day that we were
together.

Jill: You're kidding!

Mary: I'm not! I'm pretty sure that "ball-breaking
bitch" is not a term of endearment.

 

[wally2450]

The train was quite crowded, so a U S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked,

"Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the
wrong bitch out the window."

 

[MercyMia]

Those Irish

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

[wally2450]

A teenage boy and his steady girlfriend were making out in his parked
car, when the boy got really turned on, and said, "Please darlin', I
can't take it anymore, I have to get some relief." His girl replies,
"You know I am saving myself until we get married!" He continues to
plead and begs her, "What if I just put the head in for a while, just
let me marinate it a little?" Finally getting a bit steamed up
herself, she reluctantly agrees, but says, only if it's the head. So
he anxiously unzips and fumbling, puts the head of his manhood into
the softness of her secret treasure and that's all he does, well for
about 30 seconds anyway, but in the heat of passion, he gets carried
away and before you know it he's put it in entirely and is pumping
away with deep thrusts for all he's worth. After a few minutes his
lady love moans and thrilling to the mounting pleasure and a new
awareness, haltingly gasps "I know we have this deal, that you are
only putting the head in, but... this feels so damn good, go ahead
and give it all to me!" Jolted to his senses, stopping in mid thrust,
but thinking quickly our hero responds, "Nope, a deals a deal."

 

[smoothdevil]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

LMAO .... great

 

[wally2450]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that
we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay"she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, " and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

 

[MercyMia]

Jolted to his senses, stopping in mid thrust,
but thinking quickly our hero responds, "Nope, a deals a deal."

LMAO! I guess he won't try to get into her pants again.

 

[wally2450]

Two little girls are playing with a ball in the garden. The ball
rolls under a nearby bush so one of the little girls crawls under to
get it out. Unfortunately it's a thorn bush, so she gets a rose thorn
stuck in her finger. Crying, she runs indoors shouting "Mommy, Mommy,
I've got a thorn in my finger! Get some apple juice!" Mum says: "But
why do you want apple juice? Wouldn't a bandage be nicer?" The little
girl says : "Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big sister says
that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider."

 

[wally2450]

I lie awake waiting for you
As I lie on my bed, thinking about you
I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you
Because I cant forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night
And what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,
You lay on my naked body...
You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me
Without any guilt or humiliation,
And you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone.
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to
last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing,
Making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you
You f-ing mosquito

 

[wally2450]

>>> Fathers then & now
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900
didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few
advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.


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In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.


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In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the
vacation home.


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In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in
the video camera.


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In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an
icicle.


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In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to
teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.


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In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.


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In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.


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In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time
for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's
time for hockey practice."


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In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the
supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at
gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."


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In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing
in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU
HAVE A MINUTE.."


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In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted
Sega!"


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In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and
potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.


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In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.


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In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."


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In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the
horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.


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In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.


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In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy
Scouts and car pools.


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In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."


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In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl
came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that
earring?"


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In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick
building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.


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In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

 

[wally2450]

Worst Date Ever

Funny!
http://www.madville.com/link.php?id=154715&t=20

 

[wally2450]

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, but you come in one, and go in the
other!
"Crime of passion" is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering
his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation -
that's a crime of passion.

 

[wally2450]

30 Ways A Woman Can Hurt A Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.