How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

you have to watch those alabama girls , hehheehe



>>> >> Bubba is a farmer in N.W. Florida.
>>> >>
>>> >> He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for
>>> >> sale up in Alabama.
>>> >>
>>> >> He drives to Alabama, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
>>> >>
>>> >> He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat
>>> >> and pulls... the cow farts.
>>> >>
>>> >> Bubba is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the
>>> >> cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat,
>>> >> pulls, and the cow farts again.
>>> >>
>>> >> Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's
>>> >> current owner, Bubba decides to buy the cow and take it home.
>>> >>
>>> >> When he gets back to Florida, he calls over his neighbor, Luke, and
>>> >> says, "Hey, Luke, come and look at dis here new cow I just bought.
>>> >> Pull her teat, and see what happens."
>>> >>
>>> >> Luke reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Luke looks at
>>> >> Bubba and says, "You bought dis here cow in Alabama, didn't ya'?"
>>> >>
>>> >> Bubba is very surprised since he hadn't told Luke about his trip.
>>> >>
>>> >> Bubba replies, "Ya', dats right. But how did you know?"
>>> >>
>>> >> Luke says, "My wife is from Alabama."

 

[smoothdevil]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun
on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to
the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"


"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide".

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00

The Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS!

 

[Ron54]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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Get your drunk ass off the merry go round!

 

[wally2450]

A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain
restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress always looked
and sounded very sour. One evening, one of the friends was feeling
rather good, and jokingly asked the waitress when she came to take
their orders, "Ma'am, do you believe in free love?" The waitress
huffed up and almost yelled at theman, "I certainly do not!" With a
great big grin, the man asked, "Well, Darlin', what do you charge?"

 

[wally2450]

The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was
to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at
the party and said, "Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?" She
looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"

 

[wally2450]

You all have probably seen the start of this story. See below for the
rest.

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value
of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT
go back down except to exit the building."

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs , love kids and
are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign
reads:

"Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."



AND NOW - THE REST OF THE STORY

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store
just across the street.

The 1st first f loor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd - 6th floors have never been visited.

 

[wally2450]

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the
matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife
just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's
that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

 

[wally2450]

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas party. Jack was not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol a bit. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he had done
something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the
first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on
the side table. And, next to them was a single red rose!

Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the
aspirins and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in
the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I've gone to get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!

Love, Jillian"

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was a hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee, and the morning paper. His son was sitting at the table eating.

Jack asked, "Son, whathappened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, Jack asked his son, "So why is everything in perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you into the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,I'M MARRIED!"

Broken Coffee Table...$239.99

Hot Breakfast...$4.20

Two aspirins...38 cents

Saying the right thing, at the right time...Priceless!!!

 

[KokopelliRises]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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Get your drunk ass off the merry go round!

The merry go round is so scary...

lol

 

[kandie]

How Imprtant The Correct E-Mail Address Can Be

LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston .. a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ...... Sure is extremely hot down here!!

 

[kandie]

Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree has begun to grow between them and the beech says to the birch, "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither
a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of
ash I have ever put my pecker in."

 

[kandie]

Flowers from hubby.

Two girl friends, a blond and a brunette, were walking downtown when they passed the flower shop.

The brunette looked inside and saw her husband inside buying some roses. "Oh shit," she said, "my husband is in there buying me flowers again!"

"What's wrong with that?" the blond inquired, "don't you like getting flowers?"

"Oh sure," the brunette replied, "but he always has such big expectations afterwards and I don't look forward to spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blond pondered the thought for a moment and then asked, "Don't you have a vase?"

 

[kandie]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'

"I don't remember much after that ..."

 

[kandie]

Top Four Adult Jokes

4th Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
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3rd Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

 

[wally2450]

When You're Cheating...and When You're not.

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list
of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on
your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day,
doesn't count

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex,
doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you
share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs
for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count ,refer to this as a "pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry,
not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves,
not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant
other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in
the family closet "...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it,
it was public right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count, way to cramped, if vehicle is in motion
and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and
erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer
back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did
not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been
exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count
(not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count,
this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
angry with your significant other doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count,
this should be considered " getting acquainted ".

26. An act with a US President , doesn't count, unless the Senate
votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career
enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

 

[wally2450]

Bert took his dog to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" Bert replied, "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

 

[wally2450]

Six-year-old Johnny is the most gullible little boy in the world. One day, he is out shopping with his mother when he walks up to a mannequin and starts to run his hand up the mannequin's skirt. Johnny's mother sees this and rushes over, saying, "Johnny, don't you dare put your hand under there! Women have teeth up there and you're lucky she didn't bite your fingers off!" Johnny nodded dumbly and swore he would never touch a woman there. Well 10 years later, 16-year-old Johnny is out on his first date with Cindy and after dinner and a movie they find themselves in the back seat getting hot and heavy. After awhile, Cindy finally says to Johnny, "Don't you want to take it one step further? Don't you want to put your hands down my pants?" Johnny immediately says, "Oh, no, you might bite my fingers off! I bet you have really sharp teeth down there!" She starts to laugh and says, "No, I don't." "Yes, you do!" he says. "No, I don't! Look, I'll prove it to you!" she says, and whips off her jeans and panties, leans back, spreads her legs and says, "See, I told you so!" He takes one look and exclaims, "Well, no wonder. Look at the condition of your gums!"

 

[wally2450]

A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing
golf. A few minutes later his wife comes home from work
with a new fur coat.

Her husbands says "Hey how did you get this?"

She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her
share. This happens a few times, first the coat and then
a car and then jewelry etc. One night the wife gets home
really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath,
which he then does. But only fills it up an inch.

She gets in and says to him "Why did you put in so little
water?"

"Well, WE DON'T WANT YOUR LOTTO TICKET GETTING WET NOW
DO WE?!"

 

[wally2450]

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder.
So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".
"Wow!" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

 

[thecharlieman]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

 

[wally2450]

You know you're in an Australian Summer when:-



a. The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance



b. Hot water comes out of both taps.



c. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.



d. The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a little chilly.



e. You discover that in February it only takes two fingers to steer your car.



f. You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.



g. You develop a fear of metal car door handles.



h. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.



i. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"



j. You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.



k. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard-boiled eggs.



l. The cows are giving evaporated milk.



m. The trees are whistling for the dogs.



n. While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the car park.



o. You catch a cold from having the air-con full blast while you sleep during the night.



p. You learn that David Jones isn't a department store, it’s a temple to worship air-conditioning

 

[wally2450]

A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the
teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take
her to the bull." "How disgusting," said the teacher? "I'm sure your
father could have done that." "No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to
be the bull"

Cynthia's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting
gown and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over
and over again throughout the evening. Finally over a nightcap in his
apartment he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening
long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails,
mentioned it again at dinner, and yet again at the theater. Now that
we're here alone in my penthouse, what do you say we drop the subject?"

The new accounts director was dictating a note to her personal
assistant. She paused, uncertain about the proper phrasing in the
next sentence. "Do you 'retire a loan'?" she asked the young man.
"Not when I can help it," he replied with a smile.

 

[wally2450]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room, but froze in his tracks when he
heard a voice shout " Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you!" the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead.
Frantically, he looked around, and in a corner, spotted a parrot in a
birdcage.
"was that you, who shouted Jesus is watching me?" asked the thief.
"Yes" the parrot replied
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked, " what's your name?"
"Moses," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name" sneered the burglar, "What idiot named you Moses?"
The parrot replied, "the same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus"

 

[MagicFingers]

Short Fuse

A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says,
'What a great chest you have.'

The bodybuilder tells her,
'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'

He takes off his pants and the woman says,
'What massive calves you have.'

The bodybuilder tells her,
'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'

He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.

The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He finally catches up and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies,
'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room, but froze in his tracks when he
heard a voice shout " Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you!" the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead.
Frantically, he looked around, and in a corner, spotted a parrot in a
birdcage.
"was that you, who shouted Jesus is watching me?" asked the thief.
"Yes" the parrot replied
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked, " what's your name?"
"Moses," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name" sneered the burglar, "What idiot named you Moses?"
The parrot replied, "the same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus"

LOL LOL LOL