How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

> >Diary of a snow shoveler
> >
> >
> >
> >December 8
> >
> >6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and
> >I
> >took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
> >flakes drift down from heaven. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I
> >love snow!
> >
> >
> >
> >December 9
> >
> >We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the
> >landscape.
> >What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole
> >world?
> >Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in
> >years and felt like a boy again. This afternoon the snowplow came along and
> >covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
> >again. What a perfect life.
> >
> >
> >
> >December 12
> >
> >The sun has melted all our lovely snow. My neighbor tells me not to worry,
> >we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be
> >awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll
> >never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a
> >nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
> >
> >
> >
> >December 14
> >
> > Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold
> >makes everything sparkle so. This is the life! The snowplow came back this
> >afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
> >quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
> >
> >
> >
> >December 16
> >
> > Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear end on the ice in the driveway
> >putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I
> >think was very cruel.
> >
> >
> >
> >December 17
> >
> > Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
> >was
> >off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do
> >but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
> >
> >
> >
> >December 20
> >
> > Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More
> >shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Called the only
> >hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
> >Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I
> >have
> >to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
> >
> >
> >
> >December 24
> >
> >6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was
> >having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow
> >I'll
> >drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken
> >shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
> >shoveling and then he comes down the street at
> >
> >100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight
> >the
> >wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but
> >I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
> >
> >
> >
> >December 25
> >
> > Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed
> >in.
> >The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the
> >snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head
> >with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude.
> >
> >
> >
> >December 26
> >
> > Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
> >She's really getting on my nerves.
> >
> >
> >
> >December 27
> >
> > Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14
> >hours
> >of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.
> >
> >
> >
> >December 29
> >
> >10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
> >That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
> >
> >
> >
> >December 30
> >
> >Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a
> >million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
> >
> >
> >
> >December 31
> >
> >I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
> >
> >
> >
> >January 8
> >
> >Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why
> >am I tied to the bed?
> >

 

[wally2450]

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor
spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurses hair was
unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment,
one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital
not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They never put anything back when they're
through using it!"

 

[wally2450]

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time
friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking
out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for
my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every
woman in this room." To which his friend responded, "Well then,
between the two of us we've had them all!"

 

[smoothdevil]

>A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
>himself >slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a >banana split.

>The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
>
>"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
>

 

[jadefirefly]

> >Diary of a snow shoveler
> >
> >
> >
> >December 8
> >
> >6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and
> >I
> >took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
> >flakes drift down from heaven. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I
> >love snow!
----- snip -----


> >January 8
> >
> >Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why
> >am I tied to the bed?
> >

BAHAHAHHA!!!! I love this!

 

[wally2450]

ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his
costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked
what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.


To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

 

[wally2450]

>A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
>himself >slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a >banana split.

>The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
>
>"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
>

Hahahahaha!

 

[jadefirefly]

Driving in Phoenix....



You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: "FEE-NICKS".

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is
from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101,
your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is
considered "Wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own
version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go
second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms
ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed
out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get
you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels
are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next
day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels,
cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires,
squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes
feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder
immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you
are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off"
accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

 

[wally2450]

A hooker mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned
him. The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a
pitiful victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the
concept of 'original sin'?" She responded, "Well, maybe and maybe
not. But if it's really original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

 

[wally2450]

A company developed a new beer and ran a competition for a new name.
One person sent in a suggestion that it be called: "Making Love in a
Row Boat." The company executive contacted the man and said, "We
can't use the name because it is too long. But we would like very
much to know why you suggested that name." The man said, "Well,
making love in a row boat is fucking near water. That is exactly what
your beer is.

 

[wally2450]

A businessman and his secretary were overcome by passion, and the
executive convinced her to go to his house for what is popularly
termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purred. "My wife is out of town
on a business trip and won't bother us." The pair were necking in the
businessman's bedroom when the secretary gasped, "We've got to stop
now! I'm not using any birth control!" "No problem," he replied. "I
know where my wife keeps her diaphragm." He began rooting around in
the bathroom. After a half hour, he returned to the bedroom in a
fury. "That witch!" he exclaimed. "She took it with her! I always
knew she didn't trust me."

 

[smoothdevil]

Menopause Jewelery

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
fucking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: AIRPLANE TALK - part 1 (true stories)


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

==========================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"

======================================== ==

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing not stupid!"

==========================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've
got the little Fokker in sight."

==========================================

 

[Ron54]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

 

[Ron54]

This should clear it up

The Guys' Rules*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

 

[tanyachrs]

How seriously can you take someone who can't count past one?

 

[Ron54]

How seriously can you take someone who can't count past one?

It's a binary system, ether turned on or turned off.

 

[wally2450]

A guy walks into a chemist and asks where the the tampons are. Chemist shows him where they are and five minutes later he returns to the counter with 600 cotton balls and rolls of string.

Chemist "I thought you were looking for the tampons sir?"

Man "Yes they are for the wife. I sent her out last week for 2 hundred fags and she came back with paper and tobacco so she can roll her own as well!!"

 

[bobsgirl]

THE NEW "BIRDS AND THE BEES":

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


You got Male!

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: AIRPLANE TALK - part 2 (true stories)



A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751,
make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If
you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a
right at the lights and return to the airport."

==========================================

There's a stor y about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a
bit peaked.

" Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind
an eight-engined B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the
fighter pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

==========================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent)

"Because you lost the bloody war."

==========================================


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By
the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that
report from Eastern 702?"


Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
roger...and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

==========================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane.

Did you make it all by yourself?"


The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing
like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned
as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's
gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.


Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have
you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 19 44, but it was dark,
and I didn't land."

==========================================


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US
Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose
to nose with a United 727. An irate female ATC ground controller
lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are
you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll
take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move
till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," t he humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted
to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

[wally2450]

Witnessing the miracle
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

 

[smoothdevil]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.


The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.


"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 

[smoothdevil]

>Two young whales are swimming in the ocean, in the distance a whaling ship
>is approaching.

The first whale say's " Lets go attack that whaling ship,
>it's the one that killed my mother".

So they swim under the whaling ship
>and start blowing thier spouts. They keep blowing and blowing, soon the
>whaling ship rolls over and all the sailors fall into the water.

The first whale say's "come on, let's go eat them".

But the second whale say's " Hold
>on there buddy, I didn't mind helping you with the blow job but I am not
>going to eat the seamen".
>

 

[smoothdevil]

150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Please note, He failed.

Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the " Federal Air Transportation Airport SecurityService". Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying acro ss the backs: F.A.T.A.S.S.

The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.

I feel safer already.

 

[wally2450]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.


The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.


"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

ROFLMAO! I knew a guy who used that line on his girlfriend. He wasn't too pleased with her anyway and it SO pissed her off...