How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Did you hear about the little Jewish boy who was born with no eye
lids? The doctor told his mother it was a minor surgical procedure to
fix and not to worry. He told her that when he did the circumcision
he would use the extra skin to sew on to make eye lids for her son.
She declined the offer fearing that her son would be cockeyed!

 

[wally2450]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of
turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the
bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the
little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful
liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the
world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy
Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll
pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here
turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass
a Harley Davidson."

 

[wally2450]

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's
got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...
gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak.
And then you put in the milk.

 

[wally2450]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
> > >months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he
> > >motioned for her to come nearer.
> > >
> > >She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You
>have
> > >been with me all through the bad times.
> > >When I got fired, you were there to support me.
> > >
> > >When my business failed, you were there.
> > >
> > >When I got shot, you were by my side.
> > >
> > >When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
> > >
> > >When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know
>what?"
> > >
> > >"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
> > >warmth.
> > >
> > >"I think you're bad luck. Get the fuck away from me."

 

[wally2450]

A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking
up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.
"I'd like a box of birdseed" said the lady.

"For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.

"Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the
fastest."

 

[wally2450]

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

 

[smoothdevil]

Broke Back Deer Camp

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No
one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it
wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted
to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful! He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof.
I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player;
a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said,
"Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long."

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Things to ponder



Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 

[smoothdevil]

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and
the Irish Railway Company: Iarnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen,

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of
standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.



Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode
of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, Iarnrod Eireann.

~~~~~~~
Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones
who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and
the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on
his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on
your train in the last two years!

 

[smoothdevil]

-----
Subject: Fw: Good News - Bad News



A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I
bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the
same
time."



The wife pondered it for a few moments, then said, "Your pecker is bigger
than your brother's."

 

[MercyMia]

Some old...some new...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you!", says
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't -
I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. A super calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

__._,_.___

 

[wally2450]

Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department
answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car
accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Officer McGuire notes that a
new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler.
The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the driver of the
Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein. After Officer McGuire verifies
that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the
accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle. Then,
Officer McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks him: "Tell me,
Father, just how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?"

 

[wally2450]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went
before the Congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion,
they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive
and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how
much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a
gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the
back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we
wear rubbers." And the Congregation said, "Amen."

 

[wally2450]

One night this guy and his new girlfriend are about to go into his apartment for the first time. Before he can open his door, his girlfriend says, "Wait a minute, I want to see you unlock the door. I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

"Give me some examples," the guy replies.

"Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

"I see," the guy says.

"So..." she replies coyly, "how do you unlock your door?"

"Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

 

[wally2450]

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
"She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy".... and watch the 'spression on yo face."

 

[wally2450]

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that used
to play cards. He was great at poker, but finally a friend complained
about him and I had to get rid of him." "You got rid of him, a bright
dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "he wasn't THAT smart, we caught him using
marked cards."

 

[wally2450]

The Socialite telephoned her son-in-law and was berating him
for the rumors she'd heard about his affair with a typist
who worked for him.

"You obviously don't appreciate the difference between a
woman of fine breeding and position, and a tragic, loose
little office slut." his mother-in-Law admonished him.

The man replied, "And you, my dear Mrs. Johnson obviously
don't appreciate the difference between cool, dignified
acquiescence, and genuine, enthusiastic boots 'n' all fucking."

 

[smoothdevil]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're >getting married?"

>"Yep!"

>"Do I know her?"

>"Nope!"

>"This woman, is she good looking?"

>"Not really."

>"Is she a good cook?"

>"Naw, she can't cook too well."

>"Does she have lots of money?"

>"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

>"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

>"I don't know."

>"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

>"Because she can still drive!"
>

 

[wally2450]

I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off. A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my cat!!" I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that." I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on. The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket. Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted.
What a bummer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All for retailing pussy in a residential area....

 

[wally2450]

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours, or make us go play Bingo."

=========

 

[wally2450]

Jack and Jill were parked one dark summer night in Lovers Lane, when all of a sudden Jill said, "Oh, don't do that, or I'll go all to pieces!"

Jack replied, "Go right ahead...I've got my hand on the piece I want!"

 

[NippleMuncher]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went
to the currency exchange window at the local bank

Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla
for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

 

[pleasteasme]

Make videos for myspace! *link*

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Chequing account



A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a fuckin' chequing account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have
misunderstood you.

What did you say?"

"Listen up, you deaf fuck. I said I want to open a fuckin' chequing account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager
to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks
the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no fuckin' problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks
in the fuckin' lottery and I want to open a fuckin' chequing account in this
fuckin bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time, is
she?"

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Viagra Ingredients

I knew it!.
I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra!

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
2% Vitamin C
4% Spray Starch

87% Fix-A-Flat