How to make people laugh
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wally2450
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only thing that was missing was a topnotch quarterback to lead the team.
Then, one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim
soldier with an incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a
15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then, he threw another at a passing car going ninety miles an hour.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" the coach said to himself. "He has the
perfect arm for a quarterback!"
So, he travels to Afghanistan, finds the young man, brings him to the
States, and teaches him the great game of professional football, the way
it is played in the U.S.And, the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl on the
strength of the young man's abilities. The young Afghan is hailed as a
great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all
the man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom" he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
us You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of
my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old
lady pauses for a moment, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive
you for making us move to Detroit!"
only thing that was missing was a topnotch quarterback to lead the team.
Then, one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim
soldier with an incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a
15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then, he threw another at a passing car going ninety miles an hour.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" the coach said to himself. "He has the
perfect arm for a quarterback!"
So, he travels to Afghanistan, finds the young man, brings him to the
States, and teaches him the great game of professional football, the way
it is played in the U.S.And, the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl on the
strength of the young man's abilities. The young Afghan is hailed as a
great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all
the man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom" he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted
us You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of
my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old
lady pauses for a moment, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive
you for making us move to Detroit!"
wally2450
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Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that
divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride."What's the
problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of
contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said
the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't
own her!" "Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell
expect exclusive drillin' rights!"
divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride."What's the
problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of
contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said
the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't
own her!" "Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell
expect exclusive drillin' rights!"
glynndah
good little witch.
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day,Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. !
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day,Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. !
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
wally2450
Inquisitive
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Female Rejection Lines
10. I think of you as a brother. Translation:
You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation:
I don't want to do my dad.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation:
You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation:
I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear
phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation:
I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation:
I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system,
much less the same building.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation:
It's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation:
Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job
is better than dating you.
2. I'm celibate. Translation:
I've sworn off only the men like you.
1. Let's be friends. Translation:
I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet and have sex with.
It's the male perspective thing.
10. I think of you as a brother. Translation:
You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation:
I don't want to do my dad.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation:
You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation:
I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear
phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation:
I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation:
I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system,
much less the same building.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation:
It's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation:
Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job
is better than dating you.
2. I'm celibate. Translation:
I've sworn off only the men like you.
1. Let's be friends. Translation:
I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet and have sex with.
It's the male perspective thing.
wally2450
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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something
nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a
cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features. ` Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored
her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and,
to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi
Susie,"he said, "how do you like your new phone?" ` Susie replied,
"I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but
there's one thing I don't understand though...""What's that,
sweetie?" asked her husband. How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a
cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features. ` Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored
her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and,
to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi
Susie,"he said, "how do you like your new phone?" ` Susie replied,
"I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but
there's one thing I don't understand though...""What's that,
sweetie?" asked her husband. How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
wally2450
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A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
wally2450
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a
peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
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true story
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass"
Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass"
Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
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- 14,521
10 INCHES
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!"
"I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the
principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then
sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and
three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!"
"I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the
principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then
sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and
three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Why Pilots Prefer airplanes over women
Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.
* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.
* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
* Airplanes expect to be tied down.
* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.
Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.
* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.
* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
* Airplanes expect to be tied down.
* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.
glynndah
good little witch.
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
A woman was having a daytime affair while her
husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed
with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard
her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out
the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out
there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us
both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the
least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his
clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he
quickly discovered he had run right into the middle
of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm,
he tried to blend in as best he could. After a
little while a small group of runners who had been
watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so
wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always
run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That
way I can get dressed right at the end of the run
and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower
and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you
run?"
"Nope........just when it's raining."
husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed
with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard
her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out
the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out
there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us
both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the
least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his
clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he
quickly discovered he had run right into the middle
of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm,
he tried to blend in as best he could. After a
little while a small group of runners who had been
watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so
wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always
run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That
way I can get dressed right at the end of the run
and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower
and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you
run?"
"Nope........just when it's raining."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: The Redneck
A policeman pulls over a Redneck driver for swerving in and out of
lanes on the highway.
He tells the Redneck to blow a breath into a Breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, Officer," says the Redneck.
"Why not?" asks the officer.
The Redneck replies, "Because I'm an asthmatic.
I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.
"The cop says,"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, Officer," says the Redneck.
"Why not?" asks the officer.
The Redneck responds,"Because I'm a diabetic.
I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.
"The officer says,"Alright, we could get a bloodsample."
"Can't do that either,Officer," says the Redneck
"Why not?" asks the officer.
Thee Redneck replies,"Because I'm a hemophiliac,and if I give blood I could die.
"The officer then says,"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, Officer," replies the Redneck.
"Why not?" asks the officer.
The Redneck responds, "Because I'm drunk."
A policeman pulls over a Redneck driver for swerving in and out of
lanes on the highway.
He tells the Redneck to blow a breath into a Breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, Officer," says the Redneck.
"Why not?" asks the officer.
The Redneck replies, "Because I'm an asthmatic.
I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.
"The cop says,"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, Officer," says the Redneck.
"Why not?" asks the officer.
The Redneck responds,"Because I'm a diabetic.
I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.
"The officer says,"Alright, we could get a bloodsample."
"Can't do that either,Officer," says the Redneck
"Why not?" asks the officer.
Thee Redneck replies,"Because I'm a hemophiliac,and if I give blood I could die.
"The officer then says,"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, Officer," replies the Redneck.
"Why not?" asks the officer.
The Redneck responds, "Because I'm drunk."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Senior citizen
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-
up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about
his intimate life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest.
The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just
cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up
and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over
thirty years old."
"My goodness Bill, and at your age too." the doctor
said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet Doc. I gave
'em all a phony name."
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-
up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about
his intimate life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest.
The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just
cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up
and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over
thirty years old."
"My goodness Bill, and at your age too." the doctor
said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet Doc. I gave
'em all a phony name."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
wally2450 said:
LMAO ..... a man after my heart ...
LastoftheGentlemen
Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2007
- Posts
- 84
ReadyOne said:
The pilot must have been in middle management. He had no idea where he was or how he got there, but it was someone else's fault, and responsibility to get him out of the shit!
LastoftheGentlemen
Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2007
- Posts
- 84
A new favourite of mine - supposedly a genuine sign on a hospital wall too! 
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
After the first week of sex education class, a young
shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class
was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend
asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you?
You look as if you're about to kill someone."
"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up
with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me
convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for
position."
shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class
was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend
asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you?
You look as if you're about to kill someone."
"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up
with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me
convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for
position."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the
urologist who shared an office with several other
doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk, he that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked
like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I
HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their
heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID
YOURS."
urologist who shared an office with several other
doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk, he that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked
like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I
HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their
heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID
YOURS."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
the PRINCESS.
but there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
V
V
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
The king had a beautiful daughter,
the PRINCESS.
but there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,
anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
V
V
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the US, British, Canadian, Australian, and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences, rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied:
"Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
It got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences, rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied:
"Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
It got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.
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