I can't go one one more year like this ...

[GoodGirl1977]

Maybe it's the holidays, the new year approaching, but I just can't continue in this state of "limbo." I have posted on Lit before ... and to be clear I am not looking to cheat, chat or cyber. Sorry. I'm not in the right head, or heart space for that.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We've had sex about as many times during this time. We have one child, also age 7.

I honestly do not remember the last time we had sex ... maybe 2 years ago? Maybe 2.5. Not sure.

The thing is, besides a total lack of physical intimacy we get along. Sure we annoy each other and have our moments but we don't fight, there isn't any real drama. I make excellent money, bills are paid, we have everything we could want (we're not wealthy but comfortable.) Our child is happy, healthy and bright. I feel fortunate in many ways.

This year I turn 36 and I'm feeling the baby blues in a big way ... realizing the window on my fertility is closing and in my current marriage, I won't be having another baby. Sometimes it makes me so sad and so depressed to realize that the choice to have another baby was taken from me by this marriage. I feel like I have no say in my own life, my own future, my own happiness.

I don't want to leave because of my child. If it weren't for our child I'd leave, but I just can't do that to my only baby.

I dont know what i am looking for, asking for ... advice, maybe. I just feel stuck, lonely, powerless, lost and sad. And yet I look around and I am so very fortunate. But I wish I were in love, I wish I were with someone who loved me ... I wish for passion and tenderness and sex and long talks and confessions and laughing and wanting.

I have the perfect suburban life and I am quietly, patiently desperate to get out.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way and what you did about it?

 

[TexasWife25]

Please dont take what I say to be judgemental, I am NOT judgeing you, trust me...

Life is not perfect and realtionships are not perfect, it sounds like, except for sex you have a fairly decent marriage. What I dont understand(and maybe you have reasons) is why you dont take your life by the balls and get what you need. If you want hot kinky sex, its up to you to get it. If you want a baby go to your husband and say lets get busy. Talk to the man! Hints dont work! Trust me, Ive tried them.

I dont know 1 hetrosexual male who is ok with never having sex. Your marriage is not stealing from you, YOU are stealing from you. You have to have the courage enough to take what you need. You may start making demands and realize that your husband is loney and needy and wants the same things as you. But you will never know until you confront the issue.

 

[GoodGirl1977]

I dont take it as judgmental at all.
We have, on occasion talked about it (sex, the 600 lb. elephant in the room) but its just talk. nothing happens. we have an attic full of baby gear and i keep begging him to get it down so i can sell it/donate it and i have told him it bothers me being up there ... i feel like he should just get it. my husband is pretty clueless. early on i ranted and raved and cried but nothing ever changed so i sort of stopped talking to him about things that matter to me. yes i have tried therapy, yes i have asked him to go, and no he will not. our lack of communicaiton is staggering.

 

[TexasWife25]

I dont take it as judgmental at all.
We have, on occasion talked about it (sex, the 600 lb. elephant in the room) but its just talk. nothing happens. we have an attic full of baby gear and i keep begging him to get it down so i can sell it/donate it and i have told him it bothers me being up there ... i feel like he should just get it. my husband is pretty clueless. early on i ranted and raved and cried but nothing ever changed so i sort of stopped talking to him about things that matter to me. yes i have tried therapy, yes i have asked him to go, and no he will not. our lack of communicaiton is staggering.

Maybe he needs a "slap in the face" so to speak
Like, telling him, since he is unwilling to have sex with you youve
decided to start dating.

Sometimes people hear what you say, but they think
its all talk, until actions start going along with words...

but the big thing is, life is too short to not be chasing your happy

 

[subwannabe]

What did the therapist tell you? As someone told me once (not about a relationship) I was letting life run me instead of me running it and he was right. I listened to that advice and turned my situation around. Texaswife was kind of telling you the same thing. You are in a tough situation. Many people stay in a relationship they are not happy with due to children. Sometimes that's the right decision and sometimes you think it's the right decision but ultimately it's not. If your child doesn't grow up happy or see's that you're not happy it may be the wrong road to go down.

 

[bigkahuna9]

Well I for one dont believe staying with an idiot husband who you cant get to even consider your feelings or happiness is going to be good for your child as well.. especially as they grow older. They sense things wrong as well.

If you are miserable they will surely noticde it and it will filter into their lives. If you have done everything you can and he is still not willing to treat you like a wife and lover. Dump his ass.

 

[Eilan]

I don't want to leave because of my child. If it weren't for our child I'd leave, but I just can't do that to my only baby.

Sure you can. It would be one of the best parenting decisions you could make. Kids aren't stupid. Even if you and your husband are "getting along" in front of your child, I guarantee that there's tension in the atmosphere that he or she can pick up on.

Do you want your marriage to be the model on which your child bases future relationships? Can you imagine your child making a thread like this one 30-odd years from now?

As a product of a "staying-together-for-the-kids" relationship, I can say with authority that my parents did my brother and me no favors by staying married 15 years longer than they should have.

 

[LordMhoram]

I dont take it as judgmental at all.
We have, on occasion talked about it (sex, the 600 lb. elephant in the room) but its just talk. nothing happens. we have an attic full of baby gear and i keep begging him to get it down so i can sell it/donate it and i have told him it bothers me being up there ... i feel like he should just get it. my husband is pretty clueless. early on i ranted and raved and cried but nothing ever changed so i sort of stopped talking to him about things that matter to me. yes i have tried therapy, yes i have asked him to go, and no he will not. our lack of communicaiton is staggering.

That does not sound like a marriage to me. More like a cold arrangement.

I agree with the flow of comments I am seeing. He either steps and starts genuinely working with you to build something between you, or you really should ship out with your child.

Eilan has it right - kids re far more perceptive that we give them credit for. don't think the tension is lost of your child.

I am 100% in favor of fixing your marriage if you can, but if your husband will not even try, then what is it you feel you are holding on to? It isn't a family, really. Just two people who had a child and are friendly with each other.

 

[Somehowyou]

Maybe he needs a "slap in the face" so to speak
Like, telling him, since he is unwilling to have sex with you youve
decided to start dating.

This is very good advice.

 

[MsLoveLee]

I don't know 1 hetrosexual male who is ok with never having sex. Your marriage is not stealing from you, YOU are stealing from you. You have to have the courage enough to take what you need. You may start making demands and realize that your husband is loney and needy and wants the same things as you. But you will never know until you confront the issue.

You would be wrong. Males who have a testosterone deficiency have no or severely lessened desire to have sex. And when they refuse to take treatment they have just made their mate as celebate as they are.

IDK why this woman's man won't have sex, I hope they've investigated it as it could be a condition that could be remedied if he is willing. Not only is a low testosterone level detrimental to healthy sex life its harmful to the health and life expectancy of the one who sufferes from it. Taking as many as 10 or more years off their normal life span. It causes muscle deterioration, bone loss and organ failure.

It also kills a thrity year marriage. I waited until my kids were grown to leave my non-lover. As my thirtieth anniversary drew near I sank into a deep depression because I just couldn't come to terms with spening another thrity years like the last without sex. Married couples average 128 acts of love-making in a year and I can honsetly say I haven't had sex that many times in thirty years.

Sorry to go on and on but... IMO, get out... get out now. While you're young enough to have more babies if that's what you want but more importantly young enough not to have wasted your life on personal unfullfillment and don't think you're sacrificing your life for your child. Think instead the example you're setting, would you look at your child and say to them, "When you grow up you will have to accept being an unhappy half-person just so someone else gets all their needs met. Sorry."

A happy you, makes a happy child.

 

[NE_Verde]

Totally off the wall questions here? firstly, Could he be gay? Stranger things have happened. Second, you mention that you make good money... do you make more than him? That sometimes makes a guy feel inadequate. Is he suffering from depression, or taking any medication? That can have an effect as well.

 

[SweetErika]

As much as we try to hide it, our 21-month-old senses when there is tension in our marriage, so you damn well better believe that your seven-year-old totally sees the lack of intimacy and unhappiness in yours. I agree that you're not doing yourself or your child any favors by staying in a relationship that leaves you utterly unfulfilled and resentful in important areas.

It'd be one thing if you and your husband were staying together for your child while you were both taking every reasonable step to resolve your issues. However, it's quite another for you to be so unhappy and both of you to refuse to do anything about it at this point.

I'd suggest getting therapy for yourself again to figure out your plan of action and how you can communicate that to your husband. Then have someone watch your child for the weekend while you and your husband have a serious talk about where you are now and where you two need to be for everyone's sake. If you decide to separate, hopefully he'll work with you to prioritize your child's wellbeing. If he's willing to put everything into repairing the marriage, insist on looking at physical causes and therapy.

But you need to do something to improve your situation, and it sounds like you're in a much better position than most to do that, so you really don't have any excuses for staying complacent and unhappy.

 

[anadvocate]

I usually don't feel bad for people who post their tale of woe on message boards, but you seem like a sweetie who deserves better.

Dump him. Take your baby and move on with your life. You'll be surprised at how fast the years pass by once you've reached your mid30s. No sense spending the rest of it unhappy and unfulfilled.

Face reality. Your current husband is not going to change, Find a guy that puts a smile back on your face.

 

[JohnP5924]

Maybe a little change for both of you might liven things up a bit. I had a draught of four years with my wife. Then I went to a prostitute. It wasn't really that good, which was probably my own fault, but when I got home my wife also had sex with me. It's real strange. It's as if she knows. Every time I go to a prostitute now, she has sex with me within the next day or two.

We once had a weekend coming up when all our kids except one were going to be away. He wanted to have a party. My wife suggested to go to the Blue Mountains, have a walk and then have sex in a motel there. Planned sex? This would never work with her. But the day before we left I intentionally went to a prostitute, even though I didn't really feel that much like it. I got a Chinese girl, Lucy. It was phantastic! I went back to her many times later, but on the weekend I was totally relaxed. We had our walk, we had our sex. It does work. I dont know why, but it does!

 

[silverwhisper]

not to put too fine a point on it, but your husband's refusal re: counseling is a big fucking warning flag to me. it's watching-a-supporting-cast-member-wander-off-alone-in-horror-flick obvious.

i think there are really 2 questions here:

1. is your husband possibly resentful of being a father?
2. is that why he's obviously not interesting in having sex with you?

ed

 

[GoodGirl1977]

Thank you for all of the thoughtful advice. I fell asleep last night before I could read all these messages.

To answer some questions - my husband is a great dad and loves being a dad. As for money, I make around $120K, he makes around $45K. I pay for everything - mortgage, housekeeper (flame away, I work 50-60 hours a week and I drive a 10 year old car so I use my car payment to have my house cleaned twice a month), I pay for all vacations, clothes for my child and I, medical, furniture, TVs, holidays, etc. He only has to pay for his car and credit cards (I have no credit card debt.)

I work my rear end off, at work and at home.

It's funny, my mother was stuck in a marriage where she could not afford to leave (she barely ever made more than $20K a year). My whole life she told me to have a career and be independent so I would never be stuck ... and yet ... here I am. Oh, the irony!

The thing is I know my husband would be devastated - DEVASTATED if I left. My child would be too - I get the cutest drawn pictures of our family that say, "I love my family!"and "My family is the best!" -- HOW can I be the monster that tears that apart? How could any mother do that?

I'm just at a loss. One thing I know, I will start therapy again after the new year. I need to find some way to stay sane.

 

[Loverskitten]

Oh sweet Jesus I can't respond to marriage issues, right now, due to my being far too blunt/harsh on another thread ... But let me just say as a single mom, since his birth, of a now amazing, bright, hilarious teenager. I too got the drawings... For many years...Yes it was just us... But we were both SMILING stick figures! I wouldn't change it for anything. And I didn't make half what you do, I worked nights so I could spend days with my son. I lived on 3 hours sleep longer than should be legal but sometimes it's easier than being a prisoner in your heart.
First of all be honest with yourself and your partner. Lay it out there, what have you got to lose...

 

[jnmo63017]

Have you considered the issue of pride? Do you say little things that could be interpreted as a putdown? Are you ever the aggressor? Perhaps the two of you should start doing things together like riding bikes.

 

[Loverskitten]

Perhaps the two of you should start doing things together like riding bikes.

Seriously.... cute

 

[silverwhisper]

goodgirl, no one's going to give you shit about the income disparity between you and your husband. if it works for you two, that's the only people whose opinions matter a damn. :>

i'm glad to hear that your husband's a devoted & loving father, that's great: i was asking b/c i know someone who realized belatedly he didn't want to be a father. about 18 months too late.

i just have one follow-up question. has the difference in income always been that way in your relationship, both pre & post-marriage?

ed

 

[unregistered]

 

[unregistered]

 

[Fuckette]

Maybe it's the holidays, the new year approaching, but I just can't continue in this state of "limbo." I have posted on Lit before ... and to be clear I am not looking to cheat, chat or cyber. Sorry. I'm not in the right head, or heart space for that.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We've had sex about as many times during this time. We have one child, also age 7.

I honestly do not remember the last time we had sex ... maybe 2 years ago? Maybe 2.5. Not sure.

The thing is, besides a total lack of physical intimacy we get along. Sure we annoy each other and have our moments but we don't fight, there isn't any real drama. I make excellent money, bills are paid, we have everything we could want (we're not wealthy but comfortable.) Our child is happy, healthy and bright. I feel fortunate in many ways.

This year I turn 36 and I'm feeling the baby blues in a big way ... realizing the window on my fertility is closing and in my current marriage, I won't be having another baby. Sometimes it makes me so sad and so depressed to realize that the choice to have another baby was taken from me by this marriage. I feel like I have no say in my own life, my own future, my own happiness.

I don't want to leave because of my child. If it weren't for our child I'd leave, but I just can't do that to my only baby.

I dont know what i am looking for, asking for ... advice, maybe. I just feel stuck, lonely, powerless, lost and sad. And yet I look around and I am so very fortunate. But I wish I were in love, I wish I were with someone who loved me ... I wish for passion and tenderness and sex and long talks and confessions and laughing and wanting.

I have the perfect suburban life and I am quietly, patiently desperate to get out.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way and what you did about it?

.....

 

[unregistered]

 

[Fuckette]

What's your problem?

.....