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I can't go one one more year like this ...
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Fuckette
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LordMhoram
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That looks like a big flag right there. Don't you think there might be some pride issues there?
Bottom line, whatever the reasons for the problems, if he refuses to do anything about it, then HE IS THE ONE RIPPING THINGS APART.
Period, end of story.
BOTH of you have to work at finding and resolving the problems, whatever they truly are. If one or both of you refuse to do that, then that person(s) has already given up on the relationship.
It isn't rocket science. May not be easy to face up to it and do what needs to be done, but there isn't much mystery here.
Maxell46
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Goodgirl
There has already been some good advice posted about trying to talk to your husband and getting him to open up. Unfurtunately, that might not work if he has some serious emotional issues that he may be embarrassed to discuss. I also would NOT recommend threats about "dating". True, there are some guys who get off on the notion of knowing about or even watching their wives have sex with someone else, but these cases are usually part of a mutually agreed-upon lifestyle where both partners recognize it as an "erotic game". Most guys who are not into that sort of thing might react very negatively and perhaps even violently. I do not recommend this unless it is part of perhaps a serious counseling/therapy program where all parties agree to give open dating a try. However, again, very risky.
I suppose it would be possible for you to have a secret lover. This sort of thing goes on everyday with millions of marriages and can work for years. It happens with the rich and famous as well as Joe the Plumber. Look at Prince Charles and Lady Diana. However, again it's risky and the media is filled with cases of well known people (again look at Charles and Diana) or Joe the Plumber where the affairs are exposed, causing much pain and heartache. Unfortunately I know first hand about that. Often it can work out with counseling, but if you aren't prepared for a divorce, don't take this route.
There are other avenues to examine. First off, is this a sudden change in your husband's behavior? What was he like before you were married and during that first year or two? In most cases, young people can't keep their hands off each other or out of each other's pants. Yeah, unfortunately it drops off after a few years, but usually to something like two or three times a week and not two or three times a year. If he was always adverse to sex, then (sorry to say it) shame on you for not seeing it and addressing it sooner.
If he was always like this, is there any possibility that he is secretly homosexual. Even in today's more accepting environment, there are many gay men who may feel compelled to stay closeted, marry, and have a family for business, religious, political reasons. Look at some of the politicians in the past couple of years that have been outed in tragic ways. Hell, there have been gay ministers who seemed like pillars of the community to get caught in some gay bar.
How about other physical or emotional things? Is he super religious or something like that and has thienotion that sex is a sin? Was he this way before you became a mother? There is such a thing as a "madonna/whore" syndrome, especially if he's super religious.
How about physical problems? Even if he refuses to see a counselor and open up emotionally, it's at least important that he get a physical exam that includes a testosterone level evaluation. I knew of a couple going through something similar where the 45 year old guy's testosterone level fell off the charts for some reason. He was helped by wearing a hormone patch.
I would say that for most healty heterosexual men, sex is an important part of life, not just for their own phisical pleasure and satisfaction, but for the emotional satisfaction of seeing their partner pleasured. For me, it's very important emotionally and mentally (ok, maybe there's some ego involved) in seeing a woman aroused to the state of animal need, watching her behave like a bitch in heat, and enjoying the sight and sound of her having an orgasm. I don't think I'm any different than most guys that way. For a man not to enjoy sex and get aroused in watching his partner have ses, there has to be an issue whether emotional, psychycological, or physical. It's possible for a man to lose interest in a partner whether if dating or married, but it's only fair if he owns up to it. It's possible for him to have emotional or physical issues for which he may be very embarrassed to discuss with his partner or a doctor, but if your marriage is to survive, he somehow needs to see this. Like I said, it's not good for either partner to threaten the other with dating or divorce, but somehow, perhaps a friend, clergyman, brother, sister, parent, somebody can get the message to him that he needs to consider your feelings and needs. Do you think that he would be terribly embarrassed about that? Is he super embarrassed to discuss sexual issues?
Truly, best of luck in this. It's not a trivial thing. Life is short and and true, someone else said, sex isn't the only thing in a marriage. However, at least in my opinion, it is one of the important building blocks and significantly waining sexual activity is perhaps that people shouldn't have to face until their 60's or 70's after 40-50 years of marriage; not after just seven. That's something for a guy more like me to face, not you. You sound like a sweet lady and you deserve better.
There has already been some good advice posted about trying to talk to your husband and getting him to open up. Unfurtunately, that might not work if he has some serious emotional issues that he may be embarrassed to discuss. I also would NOT recommend threats about "dating". True, there are some guys who get off on the notion of knowing about or even watching their wives have sex with someone else, but these cases are usually part of a mutually agreed-upon lifestyle where both partners recognize it as an "erotic game". Most guys who are not into that sort of thing might react very negatively and perhaps even violently. I do not recommend this unless it is part of perhaps a serious counseling/therapy program where all parties agree to give open dating a try. However, again, very risky.
I suppose it would be possible for you to have a secret lover. This sort of thing goes on everyday with millions of marriages and can work for years. It happens with the rich and famous as well as Joe the Plumber. Look at Prince Charles and Lady Diana. However, again it's risky and the media is filled with cases of well known people (again look at Charles and Diana) or Joe the Plumber where the affairs are exposed, causing much pain and heartache. Unfortunately I know first hand about that. Often it can work out with counseling, but if you aren't prepared for a divorce, don't take this route.
There are other avenues to examine. First off, is this a sudden change in your husband's behavior? What was he like before you were married and during that first year or two? In most cases, young people can't keep their hands off each other or out of each other's pants. Yeah, unfortunately it drops off after a few years, but usually to something like two or three times a week and not two or three times a year. If he was always adverse to sex, then (sorry to say it) shame on you for not seeing it and addressing it sooner.
If he was always like this, is there any possibility that he is secretly homosexual. Even in today's more accepting environment, there are many gay men who may feel compelled to stay closeted, marry, and have a family for business, religious, political reasons. Look at some of the politicians in the past couple of years that have been outed in tragic ways. Hell, there have been gay ministers who seemed like pillars of the community to get caught in some gay bar.
How about other physical or emotional things? Is he super religious or something like that and has thienotion that sex is a sin? Was he this way before you became a mother? There is such a thing as a "madonna/whore" syndrome, especially if he's super religious.
How about physical problems? Even if he refuses to see a counselor and open up emotionally, it's at least important that he get a physical exam that includes a testosterone level evaluation. I knew of a couple going through something similar where the 45 year old guy's testosterone level fell off the charts for some reason. He was helped by wearing a hormone patch.
I would say that for most healty heterosexual men, sex is an important part of life, not just for their own phisical pleasure and satisfaction, but for the emotional satisfaction of seeing their partner pleasured. For me, it's very important emotionally and mentally (ok, maybe there's some ego involved) in seeing a woman aroused to the state of animal need, watching her behave like a bitch in heat, and enjoying the sight and sound of her having an orgasm. I don't think I'm any different than most guys that way. For a man not to enjoy sex and get aroused in watching his partner have ses, there has to be an issue whether emotional, psychycological, or physical. It's possible for a man to lose interest in a partner whether if dating or married, but it's only fair if he owns up to it. It's possible for him to have emotional or physical issues for which he may be very embarrassed to discuss with his partner or a doctor, but if your marriage is to survive, he somehow needs to see this. Like I said, it's not good for either partner to threaten the other with dating or divorce, but somehow, perhaps a friend, clergyman, brother, sister, parent, somebody can get the message to him that he needs to consider your feelings and needs. Do you think that he would be terribly embarrassed about that? Is he super embarrassed to discuss sexual issues?
Truly, best of luck in this. It's not a trivial thing. Life is short and and true, someone else said, sex isn't the only thing in a marriage. However, at least in my opinion, it is one of the important building blocks and significantly waining sexual activity is perhaps that people shouldn't have to face until their 60's or 70's after 40-50 years of marriage; not after just seven. That's something for a guy more like me to face, not you. You sound like a sweet lady and you deserve better.
silverwhisper
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i see that as usual, the holiday season brings out the best in most everyone and the contemptible in the odd fuckette--i mean, fuckwit.
ed
ed
Fuckette
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coastal-boy
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True story.
X-mas 1985, I promised myself that I would get my life together, quit drugs, go back to school and basically find happiness.
X-mas 1986, I thought about committing suicide because one whole year went by and nothing changed. I held the gun to my head and was about to end it all and my dog walked into the room.
When I told myself I couldn't stand one more year...I did. It didn't end until I wanted it to end.
Some people may see no similarity. But I learned life doesn't change unless I do something about it and it was my responsibility to find happiness, not someone else's responsibility to show me happiness.
X-mas 1985, I promised myself that I would get my life together, quit drugs, go back to school and basically find happiness.
X-mas 1986, I thought about committing suicide because one whole year went by and nothing changed. I held the gun to my head and was about to end it all and my dog walked into the room.
When I told myself I couldn't stand one more year...I did. It didn't end until I wanted it to end.
Some people may see no similarity. But I learned life doesn't change unless I do something about it and it was my responsibility to find happiness, not someone else's responsibility to show me happiness.
Just my opinion, but here could be part of your problem: “I make around $120K, he makes around $45K. I pay for everything. I work 50-60 hours a week. I pay for all vacations, clothes for my child and medical, furniture, TVs, holidays, etc.”
Maybe he doesn’t feel like much of a husband and provider. Plus, if you are working 50-60 hours a week, how much time can you actually spend with your husband and child? I don’t mean the time you spend orchestrating vacations, household and finances, I mean time spent one-on-one? I’m sure that your boss appreciates the time and effort you invest in your job, but does your husband? Maybe you need to take a look at your life overall and find a way to give your husband equal footing in your marriage. Money is important, but it isn’t everything, especially if it isn’t buying happiness.
Sometimes it comes down to a choice: do you want to live well, or live happy? Just my opinion.
subwannabe
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Some really great advice here. Please make sure you do make it to counseling. In it maybe you can discuss the idea of telling him you are thinking about leaving. I am all for saving the marriage if there is anything you can do about it, but, if you can't, your child will not only see something is wrong but, as someone else said, will grow up thinking that this is what a relationship is. It's kind of like a husband beating his wife and the son grows up thinking that this is the norm or the daughter grows up thinking that this is just the way life is and he grows up to be an abuser or she grows up accepting abuse. You don't really want your child growing up thinking that your relationship is just the way life is. If you just can't fix the relationship it sounds like it may be very possible to have a civil divorce where you can be partners in raising your child while at the same time trying to find happiness for yourself. I agree with possible explanations that several others have pointed out. One thing I don't think anyone has mentioned yet though is the possibility that maybe he can be having an affair. I read in Dear Abby once a man who stayed in a sexless marriage for the sake of the kids only to find out that his wife had actually been having lots of sex - just not with him. He was very depressed that he had "done the right thing", only to find out that he was now a lot older man that had needlessly missed out on some of the best years of his life just because his wife hadn't been honest with him.
BertrandRussell
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He could be gay. He could have a testosterone shortage. Heck, he could have Dutch elm disease. But it doesn't matter. If he has a problem that affects the marriage, it is his responsibility to deal with it.
He can fix his problem alone, he can seek help from a shrink or physician, or he could tell you about it. But if he does none of the above, he has defaulted on the marriage.
If you do nothing in response, you have defaulted on the marriage too.
It is time to make a choice: either make the marriage work or end it. Staying with an empty husk of a marriage is not good for anybody: it will make you unhappy, it will give your child a twisted view of what a good relationship is, and enabling your husband is not best for him either.
Decide one way or the other. Flip a coin if you have to. But commit to something.
He can fix his problem alone, he can seek help from a shrink or physician, or he could tell you about it. But if he does none of the above, he has defaulted on the marriage.
If you do nothing in response, you have defaulted on the marriage too.
It is time to make a choice: either make the marriage work or end it. Staying with an empty husk of a marriage is not good for anybody: it will make you unhappy, it will give your child a twisted view of what a good relationship is, and enabling your husband is not best for him either.
Decide one way or the other. Flip a coin if you have to. But commit to something.
I haven't fully read all the posts here...
so maybe this has already been said. I'm just wondering, instead of "having sex" have you ever told him you want another baby? You've mentioned he's a great dad. Maybe that would spur him on a little.
I can say one other thing. Your happiness is what counts. I've seen several posts saying don't stay in a loveless marriage because of the child and I agree completely. An unhappy household can be worse for the child than living with two, happy but separated parents.
My daughter was 7 when her mother and I split. It wasn't until she was an adult that she told me of all the conflict she went through prior to the divorce, knowing her mother and I had fallen out of love. Kids are smarter than you think and have very keen perception.
I would try everything you can, (except cheating) and if it doesn't work, do what you have to do.
so maybe this has already been said. I'm just wondering, instead of "having sex" have you ever told him you want another baby? You've mentioned he's a great dad. Maybe that would spur him on a little.
I can say one other thing. Your happiness is what counts. I've seen several posts saying don't stay in a loveless marriage because of the child and I agree completely. An unhappy household can be worse for the child than living with two, happy but separated parents.
My daughter was 7 when her mother and I split. It wasn't until she was an adult that she told me of all the conflict she went through prior to the divorce, knowing her mother and I had fallen out of love. Kids are smarter than you think and have very keen perception.
I would try everything you can, (except cheating) and if it doesn't work, do what you have to do.
Another thought for the OP
If you do break up your marriage, there is no guaranty that your next relationship will be any better. If you divorce and find a new man, and that relationship turns out like the one you have now, how are you going to feel then? And there is no guaranty that a new man will care about your child; how will that affect him/her? And there is always the possibility that your new guy may abuse your child. If you think divorce is the answer, how many “happy” marriages do you find on this web site? And if you divorce and things don’t get any better, who are you going to blame then? If you think divorce is the answer, take a look at the world we live in.
If you do break up your marriage, there is no guaranty that your next relationship will be any better. If you divorce and find a new man, and that relationship turns out like the one you have now, how are you going to feel then? And there is no guaranty that a new man will care about your child; how will that affect him/her? And there is always the possibility that your new guy may abuse your child. If you think divorce is the answer, how many “happy” marriages do you find on this web site? And if you divorce and things don’t get any better, who are you going to blame then? If you think divorce is the answer, take a look at the world we live in.
SweetErika
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Lemme guess...you've been left for other men yourself, perhaps multiple times even?
'There's no guarantee that your next relationship will be better,' and, 'there are bad people out there' are terrible reasons for staying in a bad relationship. You're suggesting that everyone who's unhappy should stick with the status quo because it's possible they will make the same mistakes or meet bad apples. In reality, that shouldn't happen if they've done a sufficient amount of work on themselves to identify where they went wrong in the first place, are able to see red flags, trust their instincts and extricate themselves from bad relationships. That's why therapy, support networks and working on ourselves is so important.
And as far as meeting someone who doesn't like your child or is abusive to them (or you, or anyone else), people need to take extra precautions and keep a very watchful eye on their new partners and children. There's plenty of good advice out there that should be followed when it comes to introducing new partners to kids and seeing how everyone reacts. Good parents get to know the people they're dating very, very well before they even consider introducing them to their kids, they ask lots of questions, watch interactions carefully, then keep a good eye out for any signs of distress. They don't let their own desires and feelings (e.g. for companionship, love, sex) supersede those of their children, period.
Jaded_One
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Dear OP
Please believe me when I say you have every right to how you’re feeling. I just want to point out how interesting your scenario is from a sociology standpoint when “roles” are reversed. I wonder what the responses would be if it were your husband making 3 times the money you did and working so hard and it was you who didn’t want to have sex.
If that were the case, I don’t think anyone would say that you might be gay... or have a medical condition... or be a loser and should be dumped. I don’t believe that anyone would say anything other than you must be feeling lonely.
What you’re really showing us is that there are two sides to every relationship and it is the dynamic of how those two sides work together that will determine if a relationship is successful or not.
You may be experiencing what used to be an exclusively male domain... that of hard working, absent(?) provider who is also feeling lonely and perhaps a little unappreciated(?). A man’s course of action might have involved having an affair to receive the love and attention he craves. My only “advice”, because I am really not qualified to offer it, is would he be willing to try an open marriage?
I do not envy the position you are in and see the awful irony in your mom’s advice. I do feel somewhat optimistic for you in that you see there is a problem and want to work on it. Your willingness to seek advice and get counseling for yourself will, hopefully, give you the information you need to make good choices.
Please believe me when I say you have every right to how you’re feeling. I just want to point out how interesting your scenario is from a sociology standpoint when “roles” are reversed. I wonder what the responses would be if it were your husband making 3 times the money you did and working so hard and it was you who didn’t want to have sex.
If that were the case, I don’t think anyone would say that you might be gay... or have a medical condition... or be a loser and should be dumped. I don’t believe that anyone would say anything other than you must be feeling lonely.
What you’re really showing us is that there are two sides to every relationship and it is the dynamic of how those two sides work together that will determine if a relationship is successful or not.
You may be experiencing what used to be an exclusively male domain... that of hard working, absent(?) provider who is also feeling lonely and perhaps a little unappreciated(?). A man’s course of action might have involved having an affair to receive the love and attention he craves. My only “advice”, because I am really not qualified to offer it, is would he be willing to try an open marriage?
I do not envy the position you are in and see the awful irony in your mom’s advice. I do feel somewhat optimistic for you in that you see there is a problem and want to work on it. Your willingness to seek advice and get counseling for yourself will, hopefully, give you the information you need to make good choices.
silverwhisper
just this guy, you know?
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you know, that idea never occurred to me! i don't have a problem with someone using their means to get useful services, either. :>j quoth:
i think i was typing while you were posting.i don't think she meant people would give her shit about the income disparity, but specifically about having a housekeeper. on that point, i would never judge a working mom for having a housekeeper. i would, however, feel a slight twinge of jealousy.
and nakdsub is right: belated thanks to ladyg!
ed
billrichards41
okay then
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Aside from any negative responses that try to paint the situation as you need to leave or you should stay because thing.
You actually know there is something wrong and maybe even what it might be. See what you can change on your own that you don't like, then look at what else is going on.
That is a good start no matter the choices you make. You have an idea what can happen depending on what you do. Now talk to him, get help, go to a counselor. Step back and evaluate what try say.
Agree with you husband upfront that you will go and will listen and then talk about it before making any decisions.
Try it again, maybe with someone else on you health plan assuming you have one.
Let him know you want this to change. Give him a chance and don't be negative if he doesn't at first respond. Go to the therapist alone and ask what you can do.
But before you make choices that effect others at least get some advice from people who do this professionally.
If you really want it then you will try and if you don't then you have to understand you wanted something but maybe with someone else.
You actually know there is something wrong and maybe even what it might be. See what you can change on your own that you don't like, then look at what else is going on.
That is a good start no matter the choices you make. You have an idea what can happen depending on what you do. Now talk to him, get help, go to a counselor. Step back and evaluate what try say.
Agree with you husband upfront that you will go and will listen and then talk about it before making any decisions.
Try it again, maybe with someone else on you health plan assuming you have one.
Let him know you want this to change. Give him a chance and don't be negative if he doesn't at first respond. Go to the therapist alone and ask what you can do.
But before you make choices that effect others at least get some advice from people who do this professionally.
If you really want it then you will try and if you don't then you have to understand you wanted something but maybe with someone else.
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warrior queen
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This thread brought back memories for me...
Of being in a frienship/relationship instead of a love/relationship.
With a man who refused point-blank to go to counselling or a medical doctor.
I left.
Best. Decision. Ever.
Many years on, and that man and I are still friends, which is all we should have been in the first place.
Of being in a frienship/relationship instead of a love/relationship.
With a man who refused point-blank to go to counselling or a medical doctor.
I left.
Best. Decision. Ever.
Many years on, and that man and I are still friends, which is all we should have been in the first place.
PrettyProse
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I know there are a lot of posts, and what I'm about to say might have already been said because I only read the first page of responses. Lol. But I just thought I'd share my story. It's a little bit similar to yours.
My husband and I had been married for two years and we noticed a decline of both of our attitudes and outlooks about half way into the second year. We have our daughter and I really didn't want to leave him even though I knew we were both unhappy. We rarely ever had sex and I had to beg him to have sex with me. (And while that can sometimes be fun, it really sucks when he's not making you do it.
) Anyway, after months and months of talking, I finally took action. Our daughter was noticing, despite her being so young, that mama and dada were unhappy and it showed up in her actions. She was unhappy as well. So, I told him I was leaving. I told him we needed to grow up a little bit, and do it apart. I told him that we both needed to find ourselves again because it seemed like we'd both lost sight of what we wanted in life and we were letting the events in our life shape us in the wrong ways. I had tried talking to him for months before this decision, and nothing changed on either of our parts.
After some really difficult times for me and the loss of communication with him, I realized I really wanted him back. I didn't need him back. I was doing quite fine on my own. I had tried dating a few other men in the span of seven months and I wasn't enjoying it past the physical attention I was getting. Then my daughter got sick, forcing me to call him to let him know. I asked him if he wanted to come to the hospital with me and to my surprise he said yes. (Before this, he had said that he didn't want any contact from me and didn't want to be involved in his daughter's life because I would be an accessory to that and it was too painful. While I didn't understand that then and it angered me to no end, I understand now.) Anyway, I ended up telling him everything, after swearing to myself I wouldn't. My heart told my head to screw logic and my true feelings gushed from me. At the end of it, he didn't say much at first. He had tried dating, too. He told me about everything he'd gone through in the time-frame we were apart and it was far too similar to my situation for him to be happy. But the purpose of our separation worked. It made us both remember why we loved each other in the first place and it made us get our own individual lives worked out so we could serve each other and understand that we needed to communicate well with each other on a daily basis.
Now, separations don't always work like this. I've talked to some friends who have done the same things and they ended up finding someone else. But for my husband and I, we're...a strange case, I guess. Now, we've also only been together again for about three months. But the point is...you need to talk to your husband. Make him understand how you feel without making him feel like it's a direct attack on him. (That was the problem I was having with my husband. I'd talk to him and once he felt like it was an attack on his character, he'd shut down and wouldn't listen to what I had to say.) If talking isn't working, do something about it. Maybe spend all your free time visiting your parents with your child, or going out with your child. Or, maybe consider getting a place for yourself for awhile. I think by telling yourself that it's a happy marriage, you're lying to yourself. You've got to let go of the illusion that you keep holding of that happy life you have. Sure, you may not have want of anything, but affection and love is a very reasonable need in a marriage and if you're not getting that, you simply aren't happy - content maybe. If love isn't passionate, it's not worth a relationship. He may not consider counseling right now, but if you do decide to take a break and he realizes what he's lost, he may do anything to get his family back. My husband and I are doing much more for each other now than we were doing when we first got married. We're both putting equal parts into the relationship and it shows. I really hope everything works out for the best for you and that you don't have to resort to leaving him. Spending time away from him in order to do some real reflecting might do the trick. Write him letters while you're away, too. You don't necessarily have to send them to him, or give them to him. But sometimes people can convey a lot more through writing than through talking. It's very therapeutic for you.
And honestly, best advice I can give you though it may sound as cliche and corny as it can get, it's true. Follow your heart. Go with your gut. There's a reason they're usually right.
My husband and I had been married for two years and we noticed a decline of both of our attitudes and outlooks about half way into the second year. We have our daughter and I really didn't want to leave him even though I knew we were both unhappy. We rarely ever had sex and I had to beg him to have sex with me. (And while that can sometimes be fun, it really sucks when he's not making you do it.
) Anyway, after months and months of talking, I finally took action. Our daughter was noticing, despite her being so young, that mama and dada were unhappy and it showed up in her actions. She was unhappy as well. So, I told him I was leaving. I told him we needed to grow up a little bit, and do it apart. I told him that we both needed to find ourselves again because it seemed like we'd both lost sight of what we wanted in life and we were letting the events in our life shape us in the wrong ways. I had tried talking to him for months before this decision, and nothing changed on either of our parts.After some really difficult times for me and the loss of communication with him, I realized I really wanted him back. I didn't need him back. I was doing quite fine on my own. I had tried dating a few other men in the span of seven months and I wasn't enjoying it past the physical attention I was getting. Then my daughter got sick, forcing me to call him to let him know. I asked him if he wanted to come to the hospital with me and to my surprise he said yes. (Before this, he had said that he didn't want any contact from me and didn't want to be involved in his daughter's life because I would be an accessory to that and it was too painful. While I didn't understand that then and it angered me to no end, I understand now.) Anyway, I ended up telling him everything, after swearing to myself I wouldn't. My heart told my head to screw logic and my true feelings gushed from me. At the end of it, he didn't say much at first. He had tried dating, too. He told me about everything he'd gone through in the time-frame we were apart and it was far too similar to my situation for him to be happy. But the purpose of our separation worked. It made us both remember why we loved each other in the first place and it made us get our own individual lives worked out so we could serve each other and understand that we needed to communicate well with each other on a daily basis.
Now, separations don't always work like this. I've talked to some friends who have done the same things and they ended up finding someone else. But for my husband and I, we're...a strange case, I guess. Now, we've also only been together again for about three months. But the point is...you need to talk to your husband. Make him understand how you feel without making him feel like it's a direct attack on him. (That was the problem I was having with my husband. I'd talk to him and once he felt like it was an attack on his character, he'd shut down and wouldn't listen to what I had to say.) If talking isn't working, do something about it. Maybe spend all your free time visiting your parents with your child, or going out with your child. Or, maybe consider getting a place for yourself for awhile. I think by telling yourself that it's a happy marriage, you're lying to yourself. You've got to let go of the illusion that you keep holding of that happy life you have. Sure, you may not have want of anything, but affection and love is a very reasonable need in a marriage and if you're not getting that, you simply aren't happy - content maybe. If love isn't passionate, it's not worth a relationship. He may not consider counseling right now, but if you do decide to take a break and he realizes what he's lost, he may do anything to get his family back. My husband and I are doing much more for each other now than we were doing when we first got married. We're both putting equal parts into the relationship and it shows. I really hope everything works out for the best for you and that you don't have to resort to leaving him. Spending time away from him in order to do some real reflecting might do the trick. Write him letters while you're away, too. You don't necessarily have to send them to him, or give them to him. But sometimes people can convey a lot more through writing than through talking. It's very therapeutic for you.
And honestly, best advice I can give you though it may sound as cliche and corny as it can get, it's true. Follow your heart. Go with your gut. There's a reason they're usually right.
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RomanSteel
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My hubby is the same way.
I'm going from years of sex all the time to a relationship where I'm lucky to get any kind of physical intimacy maybe once very 4 months. We've talked about it, but nothing changes. We have a great marriage and I don't want what we have to end, the only department that is lacking is physical intimacy. He doesn't watch porn, doesn't cheat, doesn't masturbate, he says he can seem to make it want to do anything other than be used for peeing. I've discussed everything with him. That I'd be okay if he was gay if that was actually what was going on, that I'd work harder on myself if he didn't find me attractive (both things he told me were definitely not true).
I've talked to him though about letting me have a surrogate lover. Someone that just fills that one area that's not perfect. I'd rather be open about it than lie. Sooner or later my walls will crumble and I'll not be able to handle it. I just want him to say "I'm not excited about it, but I understand I cannot fulfill my husbandly duties so I give you the go ahead to be with another man." Then lay down the rules. I can be open or I can be discrete, either way I just want him to be fair to me. I'd do the same for him if I couldn't fulfill my duties. I wouldn't be happy, but I'd be honest with myself enough to know as long as he comes back to me and he never went behind my back, I could be okay with it.
I'm going from years of sex all the time to a relationship where I'm lucky to get any kind of physical intimacy maybe once very 4 months. We've talked about it, but nothing changes. We have a great marriage and I don't want what we have to end, the only department that is lacking is physical intimacy. He doesn't watch porn, doesn't cheat, doesn't masturbate, he says he can seem to make it want to do anything other than be used for peeing. I've discussed everything with him. That I'd be okay if he was gay if that was actually what was going on, that I'd work harder on myself if he didn't find me attractive (both things he told me were definitely not true).
I've talked to him though about letting me have a surrogate lover. Someone that just fills that one area that's not perfect. I'd rather be open about it than lie. Sooner or later my walls will crumble and I'll not be able to handle it. I just want him to say "I'm not excited about it, but I understand I cannot fulfill my husbandly duties so I give you the go ahead to be with another man." Then lay down the rules. I can be open or I can be discrete, either way I just want him to be fair to me. I'd do the same for him if I couldn't fulfill my duties. I wouldn't be happy, but I'd be honest with myself enough to know as long as he comes back to me and he never went behind my back, I could be okay with it.
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