I can't go one one more year like this ...

[Kojote]

I am wondering one thing.
GoodGirl1977 did you ever ask your husband directly why he didnt fuck you for over 2 years and what was his answer?

+1 to that

Maybe in his view the sex was always lacking something. Maybe he is into one kink or the other and you never noticed.
I won’t advice to spy on his computer for the porn he yanks to. Better talk about that.
Try to ask him bluntly what gets him off and ask yourself if you could give that to him.

And one other thing:

Sure we annoy each other and have our moments but we don't fight, there isn't any real drama.

That isn’t exactly healthy. At least it isn’t in most relationships.
It’s more some kind warnings sign for detachment.
Try to find out what gets him yelling at you. That may be one of the things that really get him going one way or the other.

If you really want to save this marriage (and excuse me but I doubt that; I only see you looking for a comfortable solution or an acquittal to quit/cheat) you’ll have to work on it, damnit.
And that doesn’t mean to try to get him talking about sex every other month, but to work on the issue 50 to 60 hours a week, if need be. If it helps think of it like a broken down computer at work without which you can’t do your job. Get the fucking thing repaired. And do it now.

 

[PleasePeesMe]

Go. Now.

Maybe it's the holidays, the new year approaching, but I just can't continue in this state of "limbo." I have posted on Lit before ... and to be clear I am not looking to cheat, chat or cyber. Sorry. I'm not in the right head, or heart space for that.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We've had sex about as many times during this time. We have one child, also age 7.

I honestly do not remember the last time we had sex ... maybe 2 years ago? Maybe 2.5. Not sure.

The thing is, besides a total lack of physical intimacy we get along. Sure we annoy each other and have our moments but we don't fight, there isn't any real drama. I make excellent money, bills are paid, we have everything we could want (we're not wealthy but comfortable.) Our child is happy, healthy and bright. I feel fortunate in many ways.

This year I turn 36 and I'm feeling the baby blues in a big way ... realizing the window on my fertility is closing and in my current marriage, I won't be having another baby. Sometimes it makes me so sad and so depressed to realize that the choice to have another baby was taken from me by this marriage. I feel like I have no say in my own life, my own future, my own happiness.

I don't want to leave because of my child. If it weren't for our child I'd leave, but I just can't do that to my only baby.

I dont know what i am looking for, asking for ... advice, maybe. I just feel stuck, lonely, powerless, lost and sad. And yet I look around and I am so very fortunate. But I wish I were in love, I wish I were with someone who loved me ... I wish for passion and tenderness and sex and long talks and confessions and laughing and wanting.

I have the perfect suburban life and I am quietly, patiently desperate to get out.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way and what you did about it?

I lived in an almost sexless marriage for 19 years. Then one day, something snapped and I left. I met a wonderful woman 15 years ago and our sex life is still fantastic. So is the rest of our relationship. Do not wait another 12 years, you'll look back and think, Why, why did I waste so much of my life. Go now. The hurt will pass and your child will ultimately thank you for not staying in a relationship that didn't work.

 

[Noor]

Maybe a little change for both of you might liven things up a bit. I had a draught of four years with my wife. Then I went to a prostitute. It wasn't really that good, which was probably my own fault, but when I got home my wife also had sex with me. It's real strange. It's as if she knows. Every time I go to a prostitute now, she has sex with me within the next day or two.

We once had a weekend coming up when all our kids except one were going to be away. He wanted to have a party. My wife suggested to go to the Blue Mountains, have a walk and then have sex in a motel there. Planned sex? This would never work with her. But the day before we left I intentionally went to a prostitute, even though I didn't really feel that much like it. I got a Chinese girl, Lucy. It was phantastic! I went back to her many times later, but on the weekend I was totally relaxed. We had our walk, we had our sex. It does work. I dont know why, but it does!

Guys have to smell right for some women, you probably smell different after you have sex with someone and pick up some of their hormones.

Women tend to take lovers rather than go to prostitutes, not sure why.

 

[Noor]

I am wondering about your communication, guys rarely get hints or clues, and neither do some women.

Explain to him that you need sexual intimacy and you would prefer it be with him but if he can't provide it you understand, and will start investigating options elsewhere. If he says go ahead, ask him for suggestions of where to look. (sometimes guys think you are bluffing, and asking him for suggestions usually stops that)

 

[Noor]

+1 to that

Maybe in his view the sex was always lacking something. Maybe he is into one kink or the other and you never noticed.
I won’t advice to spy on his computer for the porn he yanks to. Better talk about that.
Try to ask him bluntly what gets him off and ask yourself if you could give that to him.

And one other thing:

That isn’t exactly healthy. At least it isn’t in most relationships.
It’s more some kind warnings sign for detachment.
Try to find out what gets him yelling at you. That may be one of the things that really get him going one way or the other.

If you really want to save this marriage (and excuse me but I doubt that; I only see you looking for a comfortable solution or an acquittal to quit/cheat) you’ll have to work on it, damnit.
And that doesn’t mean to try to get him talking about sex every other month, but to work on the issue 50 to 60 hours a week, if need be. If it helps think of it like a broken down computer at work without which you can’t do your job. Get the fucking thing repaired. And do it now.

I agree

 

[SpaceCowboy7]

My hubby is the same way.
I'm going from years of sex all the time to a relationship where I'm lucky to get any kind of physical intimacy maybe once very 4 months. We've talked about it, but nothing changes. We have a great marriage and I don't want what we have to end, the only department that is lacking is physical intimacy. He doesn't watch porn, doesn't cheat, doesn't masturbate, he says he can seem to make it want to do anything other than be used for peeing. I've discussed everything with him. That I'd be okay if he was gay if that was actually what was going on, that I'd work harder on myself if he didn't find me attractive (both things he told me were definitely not true).
I've talked to him though about letting me have a surrogate lover. Someone that just fills that one area that's not perfect. I'd rather be open about it than lie. Sooner or later my walls will crumble and I'll not be able to handle it. I just want him to say "I'm not excited about it, but I understand I cannot fulfill my husbandly duties so I give you the go ahead to be with another man." Then lay down the rules. I can be open or I can be discrete, either way I just want him to be fair to me. I'd do the same for him if I couldn't fulfill my duties. I wouldn't be happy, but I'd be honest with myself enough to know as long as he comes back to me and he never went behind my back, I could be okay with it.

You are definitely not alone. I feel the same way with my wife, except I can't talk to her about it. She just wouldn't understand my needs. I don't want to throw my marriage out, but I could use some physical connection.

 

[Leon_k]

I honestly do not remember the last time we had sex ... maybe 2 years ago? Maybe 2.5. Not sure.

Did you ever say something to him that indirectly gave him an impression that you're doing him favor by having sex with him. and now his ego and self-esteem is sooo hurt so he doesn't get turned on seeing you?? although he still love and cares you but doesn't like the sex part??

To answer some questions - my husband is a great dad and loves being a dad. As for money, I make around $120K, he makes around $45K. I pay for everything

see? he's not impotent, but somehow his ego is hurt. Some men are very very sensitive about these things.
It stops them turning on for sex.

 

[PaulBlart]

Please pardon this if someone else has brought this up. I have a little ADHD and I get distracted if I try to read through a bunch of posts. I also don't want to be crass or insensitive here, but could your husband be gay? Men vary in their desire for sex just as women do, but we are biologically hard wired to need to get off and more often than once a year on average (as your original question seemed to indicate). You are much to young to give up on a full and happy life.

 

[NikkiBastion]

Maybe it's the holidays, the new year approaching, but I just can't continue in this state of "limbo." I have posted on Lit before ... and to be clear I am not looking to cheat, chat or cyber. Sorry. I'm not in the right head, or heart space for that.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We've had sex about as many times during this time. We have one child, also age 7.

I honestly do not remember the last time we had sex ... maybe 2 years ago? Maybe 2.5. Not sure.

The thing is, besides a total lack of physical intimacy we get along. Sure we annoy each other and have our moments but we don't fight, there isn't any real drama. I make excellent money, bills are paid, we have everything we could want (we're not wealthy but comfortable.) Our child is happy, healthy and bright. I feel fortunate in many ways.

This year I turn 36 and I'm feeling the baby blues in a big way ... realizing the window on my fertility is closing and in my current marriage, I won't be having another baby. Sometimes it makes me so sad and so depressed to realize that the choice to have another baby was taken from me by this marriage. I feel like I have no say in my own life, my own future, my own happiness.

I don't want to leave because of my child. If it weren't for our child I'd leave, but I just can't do that to my only baby.

I dont know what i am looking for, asking for ... advice, maybe. I just feel stuck, lonely, powerless, lost and sad. And yet I look around and I am so very fortunate. But I wish I were in love, I wish I were with someone who loved me ... I wish for passion and tenderness and sex and long talks and confessions and laughing and wanting.

I have the perfect suburban life and I am quietly, patiently desperate to get out.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way and what you did about it?

I had to look at the name to make sure I didn't write that awhile ago and forgot! The 7yo child cleared it up since mine is 13.

Exactly it to the letter, minus wanting anymore kids.

I handled it by having a pleasant, civil conversation and saying I've had enough. It's great, comfortable, no drama...but it's also a cage. I want my life back and we - my son and I - would be moving out. It didn't cause a problem, we were basically existing and coparenting but otherwise doing our own thing. I figure we can live separately and do that. My son and I did move out. Husband basically went nuts afterward and caused a huge drama designed to force my attention on him and have a change of heart (he figured if he went totally useless I'd be forced to come babysit him too). I did not give in this time.

I filed for divorce in Sept 2011 and it was final Jan 11 this year. He kept on with the pity trip thing he never filed a response and lost by default. My son and I returned to the place I'd always wished I could move back to, we got a little place of our own, and I was free to move forward with my life. I have no regrets. I am so incredibly happy there's been a permanent smile on my face ever since.

I didn't do it to "find intimacy" or to find some other guy or to get laid or to find some other relationship or to find a father for my son. I had sex with other people and so did he. I didn't care because I had no feelings for him on that level. But I wasn't about to go sexless indefinitely either. No way in hell.

I did it because it was living a lie, it's not what I wanted for myself or my future. I wasn't prepared to waste another second in a situation I did not want to be in, no matter how cozy comfortable and drama free it was. Drama free isn't my criteria (though I'm not against it!) Quality of life is my criteria. Freedom to move into new things, experience them, get on with it...and frankly, being married to a guy who bored the shit out of me wasn't on my To Do list. We weren't in love, we had no relationship in romance/sex anyway...we were more like roommates with a legally binding contract. Not happening. Done.

I can't tell you whether a divorce would be a solution but I can say this - you're not getting any younger and every second you spend in an existence that is lost of quality is a second you will *never* get back...don't waste your life, you don't get a sequel. It's often a hard and inconvenient choice to make but instead of looking at all the reasons you "can't" look at ways you can. Don't remain in a marriage for the sake of the children - they will resent you for it down the road and you'll be instilling in them settling in place of reaching for what's right or best for them...they will learn from you to do little more than forego their dreams and desires for a quality life and instead take what they can get, settle for less and never really achieve anything because they've learned that happiness and quality of life is for someone else.

I'm also 48...that 50 is coming up on me quick and I had this horrifying revelation - what if I'm still living this way then? What about everything I sacrificed for the last 7 years - amounts to jack shit. I won't see those 7 years again but I am still here to make choices for however many I have left and what isn't going to happen is living in a gilded cage pretending this is a happy life - watching everything I am wither away until I've lost who I even am. Fortunately, I didn't have to "find myself" - in my case, I was liberating a hostage!

If your life and happiness is worth it to you and you feel you do deserve a life on your own terms, you'll find the courage to make choices and deal with the fallout - and it all passes, and then you'll find yourself on the other side of it with a bright vista and open road ahead...with unlimited possibilities.

Best of luck!