I don't see how serious relationships last like this

[graceanne]

Why wouldn't it be fun when you're old? Sex is just as much fun when you're old as it is when you're young, and so's everything to do with sex.

I don't go to a lot of munches, and the like, but I've been to a few and I can tell you that the people there are varied in age, but the majority are 40 years old and above.

Honestly, you should bookmark this thread and revisit in about thirty years so you can laugh at yourself. Seriously. Because this reminds me of my fourteen year old when she found out that an older (50+) friend of mine had started dating her neighbor (70+) and said to me 'you don't think they ... do it, do you?' lol

Oh, and my husband and I have been married for fifteen years, as of last summer. Kinky sex is just as much fun now as it was when we first got together. I don't imagine it's gonna get any less fun the older we get.

 

[paisleyavenger]

I'd like to register my thanks for the wealth of informative, descriptive posts that (I think) did a bang-up job answering the OP's questions, as well as putting into words some of the reasons that I'm coming to like BDSM so very well.
I'm a relative youngling (28) who is delighted to be with her very first Master. It's been 7 months of awesome. I'm a recovering spouse, and I've had a couple of vanilla boyfriends after the divorce. Interestingly, the first time I've felt really valued, cared for, and loved (in a way that I can understand) was within the context of M/s. Of course, as many wiser and more educated posters have already described, this isn't my whole life and it isn't my whole life with him, either. But I feel that the respect we have for each other and what we're offering each other and the relationship carry over into other aspects of our life, enriching it all.
Thanks for a thought provoking question, OP. I hope we hear more from you

 

[Bramblethorn]

Forgive my pessimism which I'm sure some of you will chalk up to naivety, but it's just my feeling that these relationships are doomed from the start. It's a flinger's lifestyle, it's for people who aren't truly seeking commitment. That's my view, anyway. I'm sure some of you will prove me wrong, I'm open to any rebuttal. I'm curious if relationships ever do truly last like this?

I couldn't tell you, I've only been with my partner 14 years so far.

(Not monogamous, but the dynamic isn't as different as you might think.)

 

[CollaredCass]

I know that all of this has already been said, but I feel the need to say it on principle.

I can't remember who said it, but the best response so far in my opinion was the joke about the elephant. "It's in his blood." I am new here and do not mean my response to be in any way disrespectful, so please understand that up front.

It seems to me that your problem in understanding the issue or believing the relationships can last, Echo, is simply that you are not a member of this lifestyle. This is not something that appeals to you on a base level, so it is a "thing to do once in a while" to you. Let me ask you this: Will a completely heterosexual man get tired of having sex with women as he gets older and decide that it is time to stop? Is that even possible? The same goes for those of us who thrive on a BDSM scenario. I love to be submissive to my fiance (whom I have been with for almost ten years)...I love kneeling before him, serving him, and allowing him to do with me as he wishes. And he absolutely adores putting his foot down when he knows I am making a bad decision...and I love him all the more for it. When he lays his whip across my back, I feel his love in every stroke...because he is not hurting me...he is loving me in one of the best ways he can.

It is hard for a person who does not feel this way to understand those who do...but I definitely intend to be old and gray and still awaiting my Dom's lash.

 

[Red Sonja]

My dear dominant hubby and I just celebrated 20 years of mostly wedded bliss, and something like 22 years of kinky sex, in a decidedly dominant submissive relationship. Admittedly, we didn't know what we were doing on that first night had a particular name, we just knew that a) he wanted to hurt me, and b) I wanted him to hurt me.

The rest... how we interact, etc., has survived the birth, raising and sending out into the world of two children. Has that meant that we've needed to maybe tone down playtime (or at least invest in really good ball gags?! ) Yes. Did we need to purchase "innocent" items (spatulas, bathbrushes, hairbrushes, belts, devotional candles, etc.) that had a dual use? Yes. Did we invest in a locking footlooker for the foot of the bed? Yes. Did we stop wanting what we want? No.

You may or may not believe this... but after 20 years, we are *still* finding out new things about each other. There's always a way to push a limit, to go just a bit further... if you care to do so. That seems to be the issue... you need to find someone who wants to make that commitment to and with you. The good news is that just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it can't or won't.

You don't have to settle for less than what you want. In fact, please don't settle. You'll be miserable!! Your partner will be miserable. To quote a line from L.A. Story, "There's someone for everyone. Even if it takes a pickaxe, a compass and night goggles to find them."

 

[troubledone]

My dear dominant hubby and I just celebrated 20 years of mostly wedded bliss, and something like 22 years of kinky sex, in a decidedly dominant submissive relationship. Admittedly, we didn't know what we were doing on that first night had a particular name, we just knew that a) he wanted to hurt me, and b) I wanted him to hurt me.

The rest... how we interact, etc., has survived the birth, raising and sending out into the world of two children. Has that meant that we've needed to maybe tone down playtime (or at least invest in really good ball gags?! ) Yes. Did we need to purchase "innocent" items (spatulas, bathbrushes, hairbrushes, belts, devotional candles, etc.) that had a dual use? Yes. Did we invest in a locking footlooker for the foot of the bed? Yes. Did we stop wanting what we want? No.

You may or may not believe this... but after 20 years, we are *still* finding out new things about each other. There's always a way to push a limit, to go just a bit further... if you care to do so. That seems to be the issue... you need to find someone who wants to make that commitment to and with you. The good news is that just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it can't or won't.

You don't have to settle for less than what you want. In fact, please don't settle. You'll be miserable!! Your partner will be miserable. To quote a line from L.A. Story, "There's someone for everyone. Even if it takes a pickaxe, a compass and night goggles to find them."

Your posts always made me feel you are still in your twenties

 

[Aurelia_Malys]

First, I cant help but feel like the OP was looking to stir up trouble, rather than a genuine desire to understand.

Secondly, it annoys me to no-end that so many people assume anyone who lives a "BDSM lifestyle" spends all of their time kicking the crap out of each other. It is like the questions from people who envision a BDSM relationship equating to one partner wearing leather, carrying a whip as their partner crawls around on all fours with a leash attached 24 hours a day.

OP, it sounds like you know very little about what the letters BDSM mean and are defining it in a very narrow way. My husband and I fit each other amazingly well. He is dominant by nature. I am submissive in my intimate relationships. He is the authority in our home. He makes our decisions. His immediate wants come before mine. He says "My slave, go make me tea" and I happily stop what I am doing to go make him tea. Will we outgrow how we interact with each other? No. It is a core part of who we each are.

Do we play around and have kinky sex? Yes. I like being bound. I love when my husband uses me for his sexual pleasure. I am a masochist. I like when he hurts me. I have been this way my entire life and trying to pretend otherwise contributed to the end of a 14 year vanilla marriage. Missionary sex with the lights out once a week would bore the hell out of me. I would be miserable.

My husband and I will evolve and grow and change together. But we cant change who we are at our core. And with love and commitment and communication we will grow stronger together.

 

[Stella_Omega]

OP's profile;

Biography:
My stories are mostly centered around a lot of the same themes, young women taken advantage of, used and sexually mistreated by perverse men in positions of power and authority over them. The sexual themes are usually oral centric, specifically hard/forced oral or "face fucking", but can occasionally feature other things as well.

So there you have it.

We gals all get older. Sorry, the only alternative is to be dead.

But we can still be "women taken advantage of and sexually mistreated" even though we are now in our middle age. it's still lots of fun!

 

[daikarasu]

OP's profile;

So there you have it.

We gals all get older. Sorry, the only alternative is to be dead.

But we can still be "women taken advantage of and sexually mistreated" even though we are now in our middle age. it's still lots of fun!

I think Op forgets that being young is only roughly 1/3rd of the total lifespan of an individual. and so much of it is wasted being in diapers and high school.

Life is what one makes of it, and the middle years can be dreadfully boring, stuck in a fearful monotony, or it can be the fun adventure that life is~

 

[MellowTone]

I don't have the personal experience to back this up yet, but my gut feeling is that bringing BDSM into my relationship only increased it's potential longevity. Since the time my boyfriend and I realized that power exchange is what we wanted (just three months ago), we've become more honest with each other, better communicators, and more sure of who we are and who we wish to be as individuals. All of that, inside BDSM context or out, is crucial to the survival of any relationship. And I DO have the life experience to back THAT up.

I think the kind of outcome you discuss in your original post is inevitable if one or both partners in a BDSM relationship doesn't genuinely enjoy that aspect of it. If they are forcing themselves into a role to please someone else, or something like that. For what it's worth, I think that outcome I equally inevitable when one person forces ANYTHING on themselves like that. Like being a vegetarian. Or being a certain religion. It's got to be genuine if it's going to work long term.

 

[CollaredCass]

It's got to be genuine if it's going to work long term.

I completely agree with this statement, Mellow! Trying to be someone else for your partner, even if that partner truly loves you and needs you to be this person, is just not going to work. It is very rare for people to change the basic structure of who they are, and it takes a whole lot more work than simply wanting to. Being in a BDSM relationship and making it work long term forces us to sincerely examine who we are and what we want in our lives...the good and the bad...and if we can do that and be honest with ourselves and our significant others, then it makes us better all around in the long run.

 

[unspokensecrets]

As far as age and BD/SM, about the only problem is after a while ya start forgetting who ties up who (but even that can be interesting)

YES!

I credit my D/s relationship with actually saving my marriage of 12 years. It is precisely the fact that my D/s nature and His gives us the ability to work through stuff through communication and always doing what is in "our best interests".

Neither vanilla or BDSM relationships are exactly the same throughout a period of time. For me though, the D/s part of our relationship helped me accept myself and allowed me to be me without living up to the belief system of good girl/bad girl I once had.

Besides all that, it is fun and I rather enjoy it in my middle agey self.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Echoplex~ no offense but you are assuming that a long term relationship is built upon or predicated upon only one component. If that were the case then how do relationships in which the couple only has vaginal sex work. I mean let's face it, there are only so many ways Tab A can go into Slot B. Well really wouldn't the repetition get old and boring? Wouldn't it wear on other aspects of the relationship? Wouldn't people start looking around for new Slots and Tabs?

Oh wait no that does happen... crap. As you see it is not the kink, or the fetish or the nature of how people choose to engage in sex that determines the longevity of a relationship. It is about the people within the relationship.

The fact is a long term relationship works when it meets the needs of the people within the relationship and for as long as those people are willing to communicate those needs. What those needs are, how they evolve, and how they are met depends upon the people within the relationship. That is true of ALL relationships.

 

[Acktion]

Hmmm...

I see several comments made trying to bring a clearer understanding, but isn't it really much, much simpler?

Setting aside for a moment the flogs and flails and barbed wire bras and people who have confused pain/pleasure receptors, at the end, whatever the particular level of dominance and submission in any given relationship, whether being unable to perform unless partner A is the one on top and the aggressor or needing to be on all fours while your partner sets a cold drink on your ass and knowing you'd better not spill a drop as his hand slides between your thighs, isn't the result we are all looking for happiness, acceptance, communication, and love?

If these exist, how can any relationship fail to run it's natural course? If they don't, how can we call the aquaintanceship a "relationship"?

 

[RuReal]

I don't claim to be an expert of anything, but to be completely honest I don't get how they do, or even know if they do. To me it seems like it would be near impossible for a long-term, monogamous relationship to ever truly last within this kind of lifestyle. It just seems inevitable that the dom/sub sexual aspect would begin to wear on other aspects of the relationship. Also that eventually, once the capabilities of both are fully explored and exhausted, the attraction will die. You will naturally lust for someone, or something new.

Forgive my pessimism which I'm sure some of you will chalk up to naivety, but it's just my feeling that these relationships are doomed from the start. It's a flinger's lifestyle, it's for people who aren't truly seeking commitment. That's my view, anyway. I'm sure some of you will prove me wrong, I'm open to any rebuttal. I'm curious if relationships ever do truly last like this?

Do many of you truly envision yourself as becoming old and grey, still kicking the crap out of your partner, or taking a beating yourself? Treating your SO like a pet, or like a father figure through every chapter in your life? Or do we ever reach a point of maturity where we're tired of head games and cheap thrills, and just want move on?

Going to be lazy, but here goes. You would think that people having sex with the lights turned off all the time would get boring and cause the relationship to end. After all you can't imagine turning old and gray with someone who does the same thing all the time right..... right...

As someone that is married to their partner and have been for more than a few years I will say that I enjoy the openness and ability to clearly communicate what we both want. I enjoy the ability to discover new things about each other. I am not a fan of head games so while I cannot speak for others we do not play that way. I cannot imagine life without her and I enjoy my BDSM a great deal as well.

I know that people like to refer to BDSM as a lifestyle and in some ways it is, but really is being gay a lifestyle. You are something or you are not something I think it is as simple as that.

My other half and I have been together since 2001 so on December the 7th it will be eleven years. Not that long I know, but things seem to keep getting better despite the ups and downs that is real life. How long is your relationship going OP?

 

[KoPilot]

You will naturally lust for someone, or something new.

Your second mistake is assuming it's all about sex all the time.

 

[echoplex]

...and now I give you, the much anticipated response from Echoplex

This thread is a clear indication of how I am a masochist and I don't even know it.

Nevertheless, I figure I'd let the shit hit the fan before I returned here for any kind of response I could possibly give in return to the onslaught. In retrospect, I DO see the irony in saying what I've said in the place that I've said it, there is a guaranteed bias. That's not to say that anyone's opinion on the matter is in any way invalid, as I can understand how I've even offended some. I guess what I was sort of seeking out of this was more an objective analysis, a statistic that likely couldn't be provided to me anywhere, let alone here. I didn't read through every response that has been given. But one thing that I already knew coming into this, that was likely pointed out more than a few times is that yes, I am projecting my own feelings and my own opinion onto the whole. I never stated otherwise.


I noticed that several of you have described being dominant, submissive, sadistic or masochistic as more of an in-born quality, or like an orientation in and of itself. That may very well be true, for some people. For me personally, I don't think that is accurate. Unlike some of you, I didn't always have an attraction to these things. I would never go as far as to say it was in-born, that it's my orientation.

Somewhere along the line someone said something to the effect that BDSM was not some sort of "gimmick." Well, this is where the little red light goes off for me. I see it as a gimmick, maybe not as a whole and I'd never write it completely off as such. It's just that it seems to have at least become, somewhat of a gimmick.

Undeniably, the popularity of such a sub culture has skyrocketed in recent times. Suddenly, tons and tons of people become mysteriously interested in all things BDSM. People who weren't kinky before, suddenly feel the need to explore this world, to become involved with the culture. Hell, we even have a best-selling novel on the subject taking up eight rows of the bookshelf at your local Walmart. It has more than ever become a part our bored mainstream culture that continually lusts after the cutting edge of the next new or extreme. I'm sure many of you die-hards can understand where I'm coming from here.

In a way, I almost feel more like part of that crowd. The people who suddenly have the desire to become involved, rather than those who've always known it was the path for them. It feels more like a gimmick, or preoccupation, or a manifestation of something else. It doesn't feel like an orientation, it feels like an addiction. To me it seems like something that could potentially pass like a phase, and like something that inevitably serves as a catalyst for the demise of a relationship. Especially a serious, committed, monogamous relationship. A gimmick certainly cannot sustain something like that.

But I also think it was a good point to say that not everyone who is involved in this kind of thing, is to the point where their entire lives actually revolve around it. But again the infrequency doesn't necessarily imply that it couldn't cause problems, sex is an integral part of many relationships, regardless of how plain it may seen. Somehow I see the likelihood there greater than with "vanilla" couples who stick to what they know.


At the very least, I ask you to try and realize that I really mean no disrespect, and I'm in no way trying law down any law here. Just stating things that are based on my personal opinions. Again in retrospect, this probably wasn't the greatest place to really try and have this opinion analyzed, you know, objectively. I was setting myself up for scrutiny and obviously offended more than a few around here. So that is basically that, for my participation in this thread. Sorry to say, I won't be "debating" this further with any of you. I just wanted to at least try and clarify a few things here as far as my opinion and why I feel the way I do.

 

[CollaredCass]

Echo, I hope you are still reading the replies to this.

I was not particularly offended by your questions, and hope that I did not offend you in my answer.

But, it seems that you have really answered your own question here in your last post. Those people to whom any section of the BDSM lifestyle is simply a "gimmick" or a passing phase or interest are the ones who are not going to be in this type of relationship when they are old and grey. Those who truly feel it is the lifestyle (or "orientation" as you put it) they must live their lives in in order to be fully realized, whole, and happy human beings will be the ones having to put their false teeth in before they can leave bite marks on their partner or be sure to take their arthritis medication before they break out the cuffs and chains.

I feel the same way you have stated regarding the current popularity of the BDSM lifestyle with those who never considered it before. It seems to happen a lot with any type of "different" lifestyle. I remember being in high school and having to hide my bisexuality for fear of harmful consequences...but when my little sister (ten years younger than me) was in high school, every third girl was claiming to be bisexual and getting more and more popular for it. The same thing applies here. When those who are outside of something feel that doing it is the "cool" thing to do, then they are all willing to try it or claim it as their own.

More simply put, it is those of us who enjoy the aspects of BDSM regardless of how popular "50 Shades of Grey" was, is, or will be who will be the ones still satisfying our cravings in our rocking chairs.

I actually enjoyed this discussion. It was something to work my mind and gave me some fodder for my blog, lol!

Have a great night!

 

[Twinkle22]

Nothing lasts for ever, enjoy the ride while you can.

 

[echoplex]

OP's profile;

So there you have it.

We gals all get older. Sorry, the only alternative is to be dead.

But we can still be "women taken advantage of and sexually mistreated" even though we are now in our middle age. it's still lots of fun!

I also just wanted to say, it always seems without fail, that someone is going in and digging up something on my profile. That actually happens to me a lot and not just here, I must be a pretty damn interesting person to some. What can I say? Apparently I've inspired a blog post and everything. What would you all do without me?



Oh and trust me, I've got nothing against older women. That was just some BS description of some story ideas that never turned out.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I also just wanted to say, it always seems without fail, that someone is going in and digging up something on my profile. That actually happens to me a lot and not just here, I must be a pretty damn interesting person to some. What can I say?

It's an easy and quick process. One click of the mouse. Saves time and trouble in many cases.

Oh and trust me, I've got nothing against older women!

And I have nothing against younger women.

 

[echoplex]

It's an easy and quick process. One click of the mouse. Saves time and trouble in many cases. And I have nothing against younger women.

Well if you're gonna go by that, you're missing the point.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well if you're gonna go by that, you're missing the point.

I thought it was a rather kind way of pointing out that this particular older woman is not interested in your attentions. I don't do men. But if you need a blunt and unmistakable answer-- I can do that.

 

[LuvBelle7]

To be a little more thought-ish, my experience is that people change up.

We all do. All the time, but especially in those decade-long sweeps. I've said that BDSM is a middle-aged game, and I do think that for many of us--not everyone-- BDSM is better appreciated later in life, than in younger life.

I definitely agree with you, Stella.

 

[satindesire]

The OP reminds me of the old joke:

How do you get an elephant out of the theatre?

You can't - it's in his blood.

You are so fucking random.

I love that about you.