I got a problem and don't you dare laugh.

[WynneWynneLife]

Ok so here goes. I am 51 years old and I became a widow 7 months ago after my husband was sick for 5 years. It was a great marriage. My husband told me not to wallow in grief and to find a good man soon after he left this earth. The problem is I did and new guy and I have been dating since Jan. but it a long distance relationship. Sometimes we don't see eachother for over a month as he travels for work. It is still early in our relationship so we have not talked about any kind of commitment. Now the problem, I just met another guy who I really connected with and I was honest about being involved with someone else. And yes I was a good girl and just gave him a hug upon saying goodbye. I haven't dated in 14 years and I am not sure what to do.

I do have a sexual relationship with the 1st guy. And the sex is good . I am pretty old fashioned in my views of infidelity. So I will not get intimate with second guy as long as I am seeing 1st guy. But I work with 2nd guy and he seems pretty persistant. Whats a middle aged woman to do? HELP any advice would help. And don't laugh cause once you get started I myself won't stop laughing at how rediculous this all is. Thanks

 

[RedHotMamaTN]

I wouldnt dare of laughing. Ok a question or two. Is the 2nd guy closer to you where you can see him more than every few months? How do you feel about the 2nd one? DO you find yourself thinking more of one or the other men?

 

[chipcarver]

One opinion to your problem

Unless you are ready for a serious relationship with guy #1, I wouldn't worry about seeing another guy. Including getting physical if that is what you wish. In this day and age it is not uncommon to date multiple people unless you and your partner have decided to have a monogamous relationship. With the death of your husband not far in the past IMHO I don't think you should be looking for that yet.
I would be willing to wager that guy #1 is trying to score in whatever town he is in at the time.
BTW I am not laughing. After my divorce it was really strange and confusing trying to get back into the dating game.

Good luck to you.

 

[WynneWynneLife]

I wouldnt dare of laughing. Ok a question or two. Is the 2nd guy closer to you where you can see him more than every few months? How do you feel about the 2nd one? DO you find yourself thinking more of one or the other men?

I see the 2nd guy almost every day. I just met 2nd guy recently but I think of him more I believe.

 

[WynneWynneLife]

Unless you are ready for a serious relationship with guy #1, I wouldn't worry about seeing another guy. Including getting physical if that is what you wish. In this day and age it is not uncommon to date multiple people unless you and your partner have decided to have a monogamous relationship. With the death of your husband not far in the past IMHO I don't think you should be looking for that yet.
I would be willing to wager that guy #1 is trying to score in whatever town he is in at the time.
BTW I am not laughing. After my divorce it was really strange and confusing trying to get back into the dating game.

Good luck to you.

Chip, I made a big deal at how I, when 1st guy and had sex ,that I was not ok about infidelity once I was sexually intimate with a man. I am assuming he is not screwing around with other women but I may be niave. I know I am spelling that wrong.

 

[Noor]

I am not laughing either.

Infidelity is only an issue if you have an agreement with guy #1 which you don't.

I say audition all comers you fancy and enjoy yourself! You are not bad to do this.

 

[RedHotMamaTN]

I see the 2nd guy almost every day. I just met 2nd guy recently but I think of him more I believe.

I have sorta been in your shoes recently myself and I decided to go with who I had the most feelings for. Who made the effort to see me. Who made me feel special.

This is just my opinion but long distance relationships don't always work. You don't know who he is seeing when hes not with you.

I also do Pros & Cons list and see who gets the most Pros. Usually, its the one I have the most feelings for.

 

[WynneWynneLife]

So far some pretty good advice. I was so confused by all this that I actually asked my 22 year old daughter what did she think. Needless to say that didn't go over to well but she is used to her goofy mom.

 

[Noor]

Chip, I made a big deal at how I, when 1st guy and had sex ,that I was not ok about infidelity once I was sexually intimate with a man. I am assuming he is not screwing around with other women but I may be niave. I know I am spelling that wrong.

So you do have an agreement? I mean did he say, okay I will only have sex with you, or did he just listen?

In that case it sounds like you need to either keep your agreement or change it.

By the way, emotional intimacy can much more intense than physical. It sounds like you are already starting that with Guy 2.

 

[RedHotMamaTN]

So far some pretty good advice. I was so confused by all this that I actually asked my 22 year old daughter what did she think. Needless to say that didn't go over to well but she is used to her goofy mom.

Well we daughters dont like the idea knowing our moms are sexually beings even though thats how we got here in the first place.

 

[Noor]

Well we daughters dont like the idea knowing our moms are sexually beings even though thats how we got here in the first place.

yep we are all products of immaculate conception, despite the fact that we do have fathers.

 

[WynneWynneLife]

Noor, he just listened to me if I remember correctly. I jumped into bed with him too soon and I felt ashamed and I think I was trying to rationalize my own behavior. I am a survivor of molestation and a rape/kidnapping plus I was abused by my mother and then my 1st husband for 36 years. So I get conflicted and confused easily. I am being honest here. On outward appearances I seem like a really together woman but lots of stuff still comes up. I have had alot of healing but sometimes I just feel like everyone else gets life and how to live it a little better than me.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Well we daughters dont like the idea knowing our moms are sexually beings even though thats how we got here in the first place.

It's not just you daughters. I know for a fact that my mother never had sex, and there is nothing you can say to change that fact!

yep we are all products of immaculate conception, despite the fact that we do have fathers.

DAMN IT!!! You stole my line!

 

[PhilGarlic]

just

Noor, he just listened to me if I remember correctly. I jumped into bed with him too soon and I felt ashamed and I think I was trying to rationalize my own behavior. I am a survivor of molestation and a rape/kidnapping plus I was abused by my mother and then my 1st husband for 36 years. So I get conflicted and confused easily. I am being honest here. On outward appearances I seem like a really together woman but lots of stuff still comes up. I have had alot of healing but sometimes I just feel like everyone else gets life and how to live it a little better than me.

Just going on the above, I would suggest you don't put yourself in a position where you may feel guilty about something then one of the guys using that guilt to manipulate your feelings. Get straight in your head what you want, then do it without worrying if its the right thing. Don't worry about finding out that you want to change your mind as well.
As for everyone else living a little better, when you dig below the surface most of us have our own problems and worries.
Good luck with what you choose.

 

[Dribble]

Life is short. It can end tomorrow. The only person you need to be OK with is yourself. Keep dating the 2nd guy. Tell the first. Things like this have a way of figuring themselves out.

 

[fire_breeze]

Noor, he just listened to me if I remember correctly. I jumped into bed with him too soon and I felt ashamed and I think I was trying to rationalize my own behavior. I am a survivor of molestation and a rape/kidnapping plus I was abused by my mother and then my 1st husband for 36 years. So I get conflicted and confused easily. I am being honest here. On outward appearances I seem like a really together woman but lots of stuff still comes up. I have had alot of healing but sometimes I just feel like everyone else gets life and how to live it a little better than me.

Also not laughing.

I think that you have many things at play here, and you need to sort it out for yourself, in the ways that works for you. I don't know if you have dealt with your husband's illness and death, but if you haven't you may wish to.

I'm sorry for what you had live through . I also do not know if you have come to terms with your terrible experiences with abuse, but that can heavily impact your intimate relationships today. Have you gone to therapy or support groups or some sort of plan to work through what you had gone through?

I bolded the last part of your quote because I find that to be interesting and somewhat out there. No one 'gets' life. If we 'got' life, we, as a species, would have expired eons ago from sheer ennui. Life is meant to be lived however you define that. If jumping into bed after two dates with a guy who looks like Vin Diesel not your thing, then that's not living life for you. That's living a lie. If you are happy, content, look forward to living, and feel your true self, then that, my dear, is life to you. My definition will be very different from yours.

If you feel like you cannot sleep with more than one man at once, or cannot disengage your emotions from sex, then you shouldn't sleep with multiple men. At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. If it's fear that is stopping you from doing X, then that's a whole different ball game. But if it goes against your moral fibre, then it goes against your moral fibre and no amount of rationalising will change that.

And for what it's worth, do not talk this with your daughter. In my opinion, while it's great to share your life, there are some things your children just do not want to know, and parental sex life is usually one of them (I think it's great that my senior-parents still have sex, I just really do not want to know about it).

Good luck

 

[SweetErika]

FWIW, I think you should NOT commit to anyone right now and play the field. I'm sure you had lots of time to grieve while your husband was ill, but death is still different, and a good general rule is to take a year to sort things out for yourself after a death or divorce. There's certainly nothing wrong with making friends or even going on casual dates once you're ready, but I'm guessing you jumped into bed with Guy #1 too quickly because of the grief and other stuff going on with you.

My father-in-law did something similar. His wife passed away after a very difficult 18-month battle with cancer. He dated a couple of women in the aftermath, then jumped into a relationship with one. They got serious too quick, engaged too quick and married way too quick (like all within 2 or 3 years of his wife's death). Not only did this cause A LOT of strife with his kids, family and friends, he married the wrong fucking woman this time! She was OK at first, but has showed her true colors over the past few years, and it's very clear to us he's not happy. Unfortunately, he doesn't believe in divorce, so he's stuck with this horrendous woman all because he didn't take enough time to grieve the loss of his wife, use his brain and figure out exactly who he was planning on spending the rest of his life with.

So, yes, I get that you've grieved a lot already and you're ready to move on with your life. Your husband gave you a wonderful gift when he encouraged you to do that. However, I'd encourage you to take a step back, sort out anything that's unresolved and then date around so you can see who's out there and really figure out who would be a good fit for you at this point in your life. Definitely don't make any major relationship decisions before you really know someone and have see how they are for years.

Regarding the two guys, it seems like the LDR with Guy 1 has pros and cons. On one hand, it kind of forces you to slow down. On the other, it's keeping you from playing the field and it IS pretty likely that he is still playing the field if you haven't both committed to an exclusive, monogamous relationship. You talked to him about YOUR feelings on infidelity, but what did he say in return? Maybe it's time to clarify your relationship and/or take a step back and just agree to continue getting to know each other without the emotional entanglements of sex. Then you can feel fine about dating others, like Guy 2.

And any guy who's truly right for you will wait until you're thoroughly ready to have sex. At your age, I'd hope your quality suitors would actually encourage you to wait, especially since your husband's passing was so recent. In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with fooling around within your comfort zone, mutual masturbation, etc. When you do feel emotionally ready for sex, make sure you're protecting yourself with condoms and testing. Never rely on someone's word, or even test results, because people really do lie a lot and screw around.

Best of luck in figuring out where you want to go from here!

 

[sweet_secrets4u]

Noor, he just listened to me if I remember correctly. I jumped into bed with him too soon and I felt ashamed and I think I was trying to rationalize my own behavior. I am a survivor of molestation and a rape/kidnapping plus I was abused by my mother and then my 1st husband for 36 years. So I get conflicted and confused easily. I am being honest here. On outward appearances I seem like a really together woman but lots of stuff still comes up. I have had alot of healing but sometimes I just feel like everyone else gets life and how to live it a little better than me.

WynneWynneLife, It seems everyone has had a piece of you and all for the wrong reasons. Hugs.

When a loved one goes, there is a void in our lives, and going through the grieving process complicates our rational thoughts and behaviors.

Step back and have some me time. Your committing yourself to Guy 1 who you said has made no commitments, and lives a fair distance away. Ask yourself why you did this.

You click with Guy2 but set up barriers to exclude any future. Again you need to ask yourself why you did this, without bringing in the 'i don't believe in infidelity' since your not in a committed relationship with Guy1.

If Guy1 is keen on you, you would have known by now. If Guy2 is keen, he will be there when you are ready, but there is nothing stopping you from dating.

This is your time love, and you don't have to answer to anyone, or fit into anyone's expected criteria, and your grown daughter should understand this. Explore you

 

[PleasePeesMe]

Absolutely

That's very good advice

 

[WynneWynneLife]

Some quick responses to questions asked but first thank you all for wonderful words of wisdom. I am doing well with the grieving process. I will always miss my Pat but I am OK. Yes I have had a little therapy to address the issues of abuse that I have survived but I am not consistant with it and it has been minimal. Sticking with things is difficult. Or maybe I am just not ready. Maybe I never will be. I have, after reading all your advice, decided to slow it down and just enjoy dating. I do think that sometimes I just want a partnership like I had with Pat. Sometimes I just get scared and lonely. But I really am a upbeat woman with no Apparent mental health issues. I am an extrovert who is pretty much a loner and my late husband was also a loner. Oh and I am now working again and I may be driving a truck again. OTR. But again thank you so very much.

 

[Noor]

Noor, he just listened to me if I remember correctly. I jumped into bed with him too soon and I felt ashamed and I think I was trying to rationalize my own behavior. I am a survivor of molestation and a rape/kidnapping plus I was abused by my mother and then my 1st husband for 36 years. So I get conflicted and confused easily. I am being honest here. On outward appearances I seem like a really together woman but lots of stuff still comes up. I have had alot of healing but sometimes I just feel like everyone else gets life and how to live it a little better than me.

I understand, you heal and put those things on a shelf but stress, grief, and weird things can bring them up unexpectedly. You just have to find a way to process it and go on. You tell people when it happens and sometimes they will reject you for it, or attempt to reason with you as someone recently did to me "but I am not holding a gun" but I think its important to tell them if it is affecting your interactions with them in a negative way, so you can find a way around it. Oh I think "not holding a gun" person understands.

In your position, I would just take things slow and make no promises.
Sometimes people need a distraction and jumping into bed does that, esp. during loss. It is like rebounding, the other person may or may not be for you, but at the time they look as though they are.

I would discuss "seeing other people" with Guy 1 and then check out Guy 2. If its a problem with him, he'll let you know and then you can decide. It would drive me nuts to go without sex while a guy is away, but phone sex can be nice...

 

[Hotcappucino]

Just thought I'd throw out one more consideration: if you do start a relationship with guy #2, with whom you work, and things don't turn out quite like you thought it would, or maybe even turns quite badly, will you be able to stand working together? I know a lot of people who won't date people at work for that reason, that it would be too awkward to see each other on a daily basis if things got too intimate but didn't work out.

 

[Tomkin]

Some Random thoughts

In the 19th century a woman who slept with more than one man would have been classed a 'loose' woman; after the 1970's most women in US and Europe at any rate will have had 5 or more partners before settling down to one relationship and that one relationship may not last a lifetime. So statistically sleeping with number 2 in your case is hardly infidelity! But it depends on your expectations for the future - if you are hoping/expecting that something more enduring will happen with No.1, then you may feel you do not want a memory of having fooled around with No.2 forever more! If you feel that No.1 is just the first guy you met and is comfortable with the occasional sex you offer then you might explore No.2 with a clear conscience.

 

[amofiga]

Not laughing. It's a serious matter to rekindle a romantic type involement after you've been married so long. Some can never do it. My brother in law couldn't. However, I'd say, just be open about it and trust in yourself and these guys. There's no reason to feel obligated to enter an exclusive relationship after you've been in one for years. Let yourself live and enjoy both or more as long as you don't lie to any of them. If they care for you and respect you, they'll understand your desire/need for variety. Who knows, they (or others in your future) may want the same thing and you'll have to address your feelings about "sharing". At your point in life, there's no need to play the sweet virgin.

 

[hwwannabe]

Life is short. It can end tomorrow. The only person you need to be OK with is yourself. Keep dating the 2nd guy. Tell the first. Things like this have a way of figuring themselves out.

This is my motto, exactly. It isn't easy to reach this level of comfort (at least it wasn't for me), but once you get over worrying about what others might think if they knew, or just past your own ideas of what you "should or shouldn't" do, it's a very liberating feeling! I hope you figure out what works for you so you can be happy all around