I want to be shared.

[amofiga]

elsa

Thoughts: As some others have said, talking about this with your hubby is going to be like walking into a minefield. You have to be quite careful what you say and how you say it. The male ego is much more fragile than lots of women realize. I certainly wouldn't use the term "being shared" with him. Not unless you're quite comfortable with you "sharing him" with another woman and he's comfortable with being shared. How do you feel about that? You want him to watch while you do things with another man that he doesn't feel comfortable doing with you. How would you feel if he told you he wanted you to watch him do things with another woman that you don't feel comfortable with doing or worse yet, HE tells you that you're uncomfortable doint it or inadequate doing it. "Hey Sweetie, I want you to watch this other woman suck my cock because you might learn something."

That being said, you need to figure out in your own head if it's the anal that you're really interested in or the variety and erotic kick of another man that's got you contemplating this. About 10 years ago, my wife opened up to me that she wanted more anal play. I was surprised. I never assumed (there's that word that always gets you in trouble) that she would be interested. She explained that she didn't really want to be fucked in the ass but wanted some finger play or a small vibrator. I've never been personally much interested in anal myself, but I was willing to learn and give it a go to see if she truly wanted it or just thought she did. We eventually added some fingering and anal vibrator to our repertoire and she loves it. I enjoy seeing her enjoy.

So, my advice is first figure out what you really want. Think of how to approach it so you don't put him on the defensive. One way of doing that is figuring out how you'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you were hearing this stuff from him. Then approach a discussion about it away from the bedroom itself. Someone suggested some porn movies. That might open up a discussion. There are tons of "sex manuals" or even novels out there hitting on various things from the anal to threesomes to orgies. Has he ever discussed swapping or swinging? Be careful because that's one of the mines in the minefield. I brought this up to my wife one time and whe went ballistic and harangued me for days about how I didn't love her anymore and that I must think she was bad in bed and all this stuff that wasn't true.....but that's how she perceived it. Politicians and advertisers have known for years that what people THINK they hear based on what they want to hear is more powerful than what's actually said.

Good luck.

 

[PapaMIdnite]

I just remembered something I wanted to say since my first post and I keep forgetting it: you mentioned that after a couple of days on this forums, you wanted to be shared.

Could it be that what you read in Lit, forums and stories, the way that wives and husbands tend to not only agree sharing their spouse with the object of said spouse fantasies, but they tend also to find that terribly hot and arousing... maybe was it that what convinced you it was possible for your hubby to agree, too?

 

[elsaparker]

I just remembered something I wanted to say since my first post and I keep forgetting it: you mentioned that after a couple of days on this forums, you wanted to be shared.

Could it be that what you read in Lit, forums and stories, the way that wives and husbands tend to not only agree sharing their spouse with the object of said spouse fantasies, but they tend also to find that terribly hot and arousing... maybe was it that what convinced you it was possible for your hubby to agree, too?

Yes, I am sure that has got a lot to do with it

 

[Lord Pmann]

I tend to disagree. I think sex/relationship issues should be talked about outside of the bedroom, particularly because so many of these issues have root causes that have little or nothing to do with the sex itself.

Maybe it's not the best idea for the OP to approach this issue literally during dinner, but I'm not sure that during foreplay or sex is the best time, either. Too much vulnerability.

That said, given the OP's other posts, I think that her husband will not be receptive to her suggestions, regardless of when they're offered.

I should clarify a little bit. My main point was that bringing up a bomb like "I want to stick my fiver up another guy's ass" is probably not best fought up that bluntly. I agree that sexual problems should be discussed. But I don't think something like this should be just brought up so vividly.

If it is a problem regarding sex, then I agree. Talk about it not in the throws of passion. But if she is trying to make him move towards a certain lifestyle, then subtlety may be the more preferable approach.

With that said, this is just my opinion and how I would want to be approached. I just think a harsh topic like this needs to be slowly breached.

Good comments all around though.

 

[elsaparker]

ok, so I was started watching an anal sex guide in sex on laptop last night with him lying beside me. It didn't go well at all. I am going to start looking for an apartment. I am going to make this happen.

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

ok, so I was started watching an anal sex guide in sex on laptop last night with him lying beside me. It didn't go well at all. I am going to start looking for an apartment. I am going to make this happen.

And you are going to get divorced.

I'm not certain that will be what happens, but I do know this:
1. If he is unwilling to share you, that can't be changed.
2. There's a word for making sharing happen when your spouse doesn't want to share: cheating.
3. Deliberate premeditated cheating - which is what your post very strongly implies - reflects deeper and more fundamental problems with your relationship than mere sexual dissatisfaction. Getting an apartment so you can have sex with someone not your spouse when you know that sex is unacceptable to your spouse is like the first-degree murder of cheating. If you're willing to do that, or even think seriously about it, then you've got bigger marital problems than "I'd like to try anal and they won't do it".

I think you ought to focus on what that deeper problem is. If you can identify it, you may be able to solve it - and then you'll have a happier marriage. Alternatively, if you can identify it, you may be able to determine it's unsolvable and will only fester and worsen over time - and then you can end the marriage sooner and more amicably, saving both of you wasted years of unhappiness.

 

[PapaMIdnite]

And you are going to get divorced.

I'm not certain that will be what happens, but I do know this:
1. If he is unwilling to share you, that can't be changed.
2. There's a word for making sharing happen when your spouse doesn't want to share: cheating.
3. Deliberate premeditated cheating - which is what your post very strongly implies - reflects deeper and more fundamental problems with your relationship than mere sexual dissatisfaction. Getting an apartment so you can have sex with someone not your spouse when you know that sex is unacceptable to your spouse is like the first-degree murder of cheating. If you're willing to do that, or even think seriously about it, then you've got bigger marital problems than "I'd like to try anal and they won't do it".

I think you ought to focus on what that deeper problem is. If you can identify it, you may be able to solve it - and then you'll have a happier marriage. Alternatively, if you can identify it, you may be able to determine it's unsolvable and will only fester and worsen over time - and then you can end the marriage sooner and more amicably, saving both of you wasted years of unhappiness.

I beg to differ. She might have bigger problems in her marriage, or she might just want to realize a strong fantasy of hers. And wanting to do that does NOT implies, per se, deep problems on the relationship.

If her husband wouldn't want to have sex at all with her, shall she suppress her desire altogether? According your logic, she should, else she'd be cheating. Which level of degree of cheating remains to be clarified, but the way you put your words, it looks like it should be penalize by law. And there are not just white and blacks in this world. There are a huge amount of greys in the middle, so many that "black" and "white" are like the pot at the end of the rainbow: they don't exist.

If she dismiss her desire and her needs, chances are that she WILL have bigger marital problems. To be in a relationship and to make it work, you need to be able to do your best for it. Even more, you need to WANT to be able to do your best. Frustrated people have that really difficult to achieve.

 

[amofiga]

And you are going to get divorced.

I'm not certain that will be what happens, but I do know this:
1. If he is unwilling to share you, that can't be changed.
2. There's a word for making sharing happen when your spouse doesn't want to share: cheating.
3. Deliberate premeditated cheating - which is what your post very strongly implies - reflects deeper and more fundamental problems with your relationship than mere sexual dissatisfaction. Getting an apartment so you can have sex with someone not your spouse when you know that sex is unacceptable to your spouse is like the first-degree murder of cheating. If you're willing to do that, or even think seriously about it, then you've got bigger marital problems than "I'd like to try anal and they won't do it".

I think you ought to focus on what that deeper problem is. If you can identify it, you may be able to solve it - and then you'll have a happier marriage. Alternatively, if you can identify it, you may be able to determine it's unsolvable and will only fester and worsen over time - and then you can end the marriage sooner and more amicably, saving both of you wasted years of unhappiness.

Well stated. Quite true. It's also important to remember that a good marriage is more than just sex and particularly more than just one aspect of one type of sex.

 

[PapaMIdnite]

Well stated. Quite true. It's also important to remember that a good marriage is more than just sex and particularly more than just one aspect of one type of sex.

There must be surely a lot of meanings for "good marriage" for different person.. don't you think?

 

[Bramblethorn]

If her husband wouldn't want to have sex at all with her, shall she suppress her desire altogether? According your logic, she should, else she'd be cheating.

In a situation like that, the ethical answer is to say "either we find some way to meet my needs, or I leave".

Anybody has a right to say what they want out of a relationship and what they're willing to give, no matter how mundane or bizarre. But nobody else is obligated to accept that deal - and if I can only get somebody's acceptance through dishonest means, then yeah, I'd consider that cheating.

Sometimes two good people can't find a liveable compromise. This is horrible, it hurts like hell, and it might not be anybody's fault. But it's not an excuse for deceit - and IME, deceit tends to poison the rest of a relationship pretty quickly.

 

[PapaMIdnite]

In a situation like that, the ethical answer is to say "either we find some way to meet my needs, or I leave".

Anybody has a right to say what they want out of a relationship and what they're willing to give, no matter how mundane or bizarre. But nobody else is obligated to accept that deal - and if I can only get somebody's acceptance through dishonest means, then yeah, I'd consider that cheating.

Sometimes two good people can't find a liveable compromise. This is horrible, it hurts like hell, and it might not be anybody's fault. But it's not an excuse for deceit - and IME, deceit tends to poison the rest of a relationship pretty quickly.

I might be wrong, but it seems to me you're putting a marriage to the level of a commercial transaction, or even a work contract. The fact that a marriage is a contract to the law doesn't mean you can be cold and professional about it. She might love him deeply, and yet she might still have urges as deeper as her love.

Sitting together and negotiating this has a lot of chances to get them crashed and burned. I don't know about you, but if somebody comes to me demanding that I do something I don't want or said person would leave, I'd say "leave and fuck yourself". First reaction to an ultimatum for a lot of people.

As I said there are many many greys. She needs to reach a compromise, find a solution that makes her happy and keeps her husband happy. If she doesn't sense he'd go for it, and she needs it, looking somewhere else in a discreet way might be her solution. It may not follow your moral precepts, or mine, but it doesn't have to. It's HER moral decision to make, it's her problem.

People giving advises so freely should remember that it's going to be HER the one frustrated, furious, extremely unhappy in bed when her hubby doesn't give her what she needs. Not you, not me.. her.

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

If her husband wouldn't want to have sex at all with her, shall she suppress her desire altogether? According your logic, she should, else she'd be cheating. Which level of degree of cheating remains to be clarified, but the way you put your words, it looks like it should be penalize by law. And there are not just white and blacks in this world. There are a huge amount of greys in the middle, so many that "black" and "white" are like the pot at the end of the rainbow: they don't exist.

I agree in full with Bramblethorn's answer. So I'm going to clarify my analogy. I was attempting to say that just as first-degree murder is worse than involuntary manslaughter even though they're both killing someone, a premeditated affair such as I thought she was planning is the worst form of infidelity. I did not think I was suggesting that the law should punish cheating (outside of divorce proceedings). If I did seem to be saying that it was unintentional.

Also, the existence and importance of grey is vastly overrated. If Black is what you want, any grey may as well be white: they're all NotBlack.

EDIT: My whole point in my first post was that a solution that keeps her happy and her husband happy does not exist. The separation after she cheats and gets caught is going to be more unpleasant than a separation now, so...

 

[PapaMIdnite]

I agree in full with Bramblethorn's answer. So I'm going to clarify my analogy. I was attempting to say that just as first-degree murder is worse than involuntary manslaughter even though they're both killing someone, a premeditated affair such as I thought she was planning is the worst form of infidelity. I did not think I was suggesting that the law should punish cheating (outside of divorce proceedings). If I did seem to be saying that it was unintentional.

Also, the existence and importance of grey is vastly overrated. If Black is what you want, any grey may as well be white: they're all NotBlack.

EDIT: My whole point in my first post was that a solution that keeps her happy and her husband happy does not exist. The separation after she cheats and gets caught is going to be more unpleasant than a separation now, so...

Again, you're defining her situation according your moral values.

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

Again, you're defining her situation according your moral values.

Yes. And according to what she's said, I think they're close enough to her husband's that I feel comfortable assessing this from his perspective.

 

[PapaMIdnite]

Yes. And according to what she's said, I think they're close enough to her husband's that I feel comfortable assessing this from his perspective.

You could guess her husband moral values according to what she said? wow..

anyway, this thread was opened by her, asking for opinions about HER problem. Not her husband's.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I might be wrong, but it seems to me you're putting a marriage to the level of a commercial transaction, or even a work contract. The fact that a marriage is a contract to the law doesn't mean you can be cold and professional about it. She might love him deeply, and yet she might still have urges as deeper as her love.

I'm not looking at the legal aspect at all. I'd apply the same standard to an unmarried couple. And yes, sometimes you love somebody AND you have urges that aren't compatible with that love. It's a horrible situation; I've been there.

Let's take it out of the bedroom a moment. Suppose I'm running a restaurant, and a Jewish customer comes in and asks: "Is the soup kosher?"

I know there's pork in the soup - not much, not enough to taste. I know that if he knew what was in the soup, he wouldn't eat it. But then... I really want to make a sale. And I know his religious beliefs are wrong. And it really is delicious soup, I know he'll love it if he doesn't know what's in it. So I tell him "Yes, it's kosher!"

Do I have the right to do that? I don't think I do. His beliefs may be mistaken, they might even be outright harmful - but where decisions about his own life are concerned, he gets to make them himself. If I deny him the right to make his own mistakes, I put myself in company with the godbotherers who want to "protect" grown-ups from themselves.

Sitting together and negotiating this has a lot of chances to get them crashed and burned.

Sure. No matter what choices she makes, this scenario has a high chance of not ending well. But IME, honest communication is the least bad option; at least it leaves a chance of coming out of it with a working relationship.

And if not, at least both parties know where they stand. Splitting up is sad, but at least it leaves you the option of going on to something else. Much worse to spend the rest of your life going through the motions of a relationship that's not making either person happy. (Or getting caught cheating, with all the attendant consequences.)

People giving advises so freely should remember that it's going to be HER the one frustrated, furious, extremely unhappy in bed when her hubby doesn't give her what she needs. Not you, not me.. her.

I think just about all of us have been there at one time or another. But I've also been in a relationship with somebody who was lying to me (and watched several more from the outside), and it's not something I would wish on anybody.

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

anyway, this thread was opened by her, asking for opinions about HER problem. Not her husband's.

Her problem is with her husband and what he's willing to do and accept her doing. My opinion is that you're encouraging her to bury her head in the sand by discounting him. Unless he's dead or inert, he's going to react to everything she says or does. She can't control his reactions but she can anticipate them and she can decide if she's willing to accept them as the price of doing what she wants.

My opinion is that it is unrealistic to think she can get her husband to agree to share her. My opinion is that if she has sex with another man without his approval he will find out and his most likely response is going to be a nasty bitter divorce. My opinion is that "lose the fantasy" is not helpful advice. So bottom line, my opinion is that reality's given an ultimatum of stay married and don't fulfil the fantasy or get divorced either before or after sex with another man; my opinion is also that a divorce from a husband who doesn't feel cheated on is going to be more satisfying for her than a divorce from one who does. My opinion is that she has to make some choices that absolutely suck for her and that pretending there's a way around those choices by making her husband change is doing her a disservice.

 

[PapaMIdnite]

I think just about all of us have been there at one time or another. But I've also been in a relationship with somebody who was lying to me (and watched several more from the outside), and it's not somehing I would wish on anybody.

We all have been there, probably, on both sides of the story, but this is not about you or me. She can't make a decision based on the fact you don't wish it for her husband. I'm sure he doesn't deserve to be cheated on, but this is about her and how can she cope best with her needs. We're not talking about a non-kosher soup in a restaurant. This is not about she wanting a red dress which she can't get. We're talking about real, deep, instinctive, strong desires and urges that she might or might not be able to control or suppress. But she's not a bad person if she's not able to deal with it.

That is the bottom line. If what she needs gets out of control for her, the best for her AND her husband is that she does something about it. Thinking about the possible damage and taking the best compromise, to go to a place where she feels happy. And, of course, doing all she can to avoid hurting him. We're not talking here about her getting gang banged on her kitchen when his husband comes home, right? It doesn't need to be a sordid story...

 

[PapaMIdnite]

Her problem is with her husband and what he's willing to do and accept her doing. My opinion is that you're encouraging her to bury her head in the sand by discounting him. Unless he's dead or inert, he's going to react to everything she says or does. She can't control his reactions but she can anticipate them and she can decide if she's willing to accept them as the price of doing what she wants.

My opinion is that it is unrealistic to think she can get her husband to agree to share her. My opinion is that if she has sex with another man without his approval he will find out and his most likely response is going to be a nasty bitter divorce. My opinion is that "lose the fantasy" is not helpful advice. So bottom line, my opinion is that reality's given an ultimatum of stay married and don't fulfil the fantasy or get divorced either before or after sex with another man; my opinion is also that a divorce from a husband who doesn't feel cheated on is going to be more satisfying for her than a divorce from one who does. My opinion is that she has to make some choices that absolutely suck for her and that pretending there's a way around those choices by making her husband change is doing her a disservice.

I think we passed already the point where we thought her husband would agree. The last thing she said is that she wants to get an apartment. I assume that means she's going to have an affair, which puts her husband out of the equation.

I'm not encouraging her to do anything more than dealing with her situation avoiding frustration. If she is able to suppress her fantasy and still live happy with her husband, great! that's the best solution. But if she's not, and that means live frustrated and bitter, then she shouldn't just continue in a status quo situation only because his husband doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Yes, it sucks. It's unfair for him, but it'll be even more unfair if she one day snaps and he comes back from work to find his neighbours sodomizing his wife in his bed.

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

I think we passed already the point where we thought her husband would agree. The last thing she said is that she wants to get an apartment. I assume that means she's going to have an affair, which puts her husband out of the equation.

I'm not encouraging her to do anything more than dealing with her situation avoiding frustration. If she is able to suppress her fantasy and still live happy with her husband, great! that's the best solution. But if she's not, and that means live frustrated and bitter, then she shouldn't just continue in a status quo situation only because his husband doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Yes, it sucks. It's unfair for him, but it'll be even more unfair if she one day snaps and he comes back from work to find his neighbours sodomizing his wife in his bed.

Exactly, and that's why I've been not-exactly-saying she should divorce him now. If it's worth an affair over it's worth a divorce over. End result's the same, so do it sooner for herself and hurt/piss off him less.

 

[PapaMIdnite]

Exactly, and that's why I've been not-exactly-saying she should divorce him now. If it's worth an affair over it's worth a divorce over. End result's the same, so do it sooner for herself and hurt/piss off him less.

and what about if she needs to try it once? or if that's only a thing once a month? There's a chance she's deep in love with him and STILL needs to get anal sex. You put it like there's one thing OR the other, and I'm saying that she could have both. If... (the whole moral/cheating/needing stuff which I'm not repeat again)

 

[Bramblethorn]

We all have been there, probably, on both sides of the story, but this is not about you or me.

If you ask people for advice, you're going to get their perspectives.

She can't make a decision based on the fact you don't wish it for her husband.

Actually, I'm not only talking about her husband. Infidelity has a tendency to work out badly for all involved; even if you don't get caught, living a lie 24/7 seems to be a pretty bleak existence.

I'm sure he doesn't deserve to be cheated on, but this is about her and how can she cope best with her needs. We're not talking about a non-kosher soup in a restaurant. This is not about she wanting a red dress which she can't get. We're talking about real, deep, instinctive, strong desires and urges that she might or might not be able to control or suppress. But she's not a bad person if she's not able to deal with it.

I never said she was. What I'm saying is that deception is incompatible with a healthy relationship, and that perpetuating an unhealthy relationship that can't be mended is worse than ending it.

That is the bottom line. If what she needs gets out of control for her, the best for her AND her husband is that she does something about it. Thinking about the possible damage and taking the best compromise, to go to a place where she feels happy. And, of course, doing all she can to avoid hurting him. We're not talking here about her getting gang banged on her kitchen when his husband comes home, right? It doesn't need to be a sordid story...

If you lie to your partner, you're not avoiding hurting them. All you're doing is trading the short sharp honest kind of hurt for a long slow niggling kind, and you may not even manage to avoid the short sharp shock in the end.

 

[Bramblethorn]

But if she's not, and that means live frustrated and bitter, then she shouldn't just continue in a status quo situation only because his husband doesn't deserve to be cheated on. Yes, it sucks. It's unfair for him, but it'll be even more unfair if she one day snaps and he comes back from work to find his neighbours sodomizing his wife in his bed.

If those were the only two options, I'd agree with you. But leaving is better than either of them. The reason it's unattractive is that it means paying the emotional price up-front, instead of on a high-interest installment plan.

 

[PapaMIdnite]

If those were the only two options, I'd agree with you. But leaving is better than either of them. The reason it's unattractive is that it means paying the emotional price up-front, instead of on a high-interest installment plan.

Leaving is obviously better for you. Again, it's her decision, her situation.

I feel we're going in circles here, and probably spoiling a great thread. I've said all I wanted to say, I'll remain quiet until the discussion moves on...

 

[AdjectiveNounVerb]

and what about if she needs to try it once? or if that's only a thing once a month? There's a chance she's deep in love with him and STILL needs to get anal sex. You put it like there's one thing OR the other, and I'm saying that she could have both. If... (the whole moral/cheating/needing stuff which I'm not repeat again)

Will her husband stay with her if she only does it once? Will her husband stay with her if it's a once a month thing? Will her husband care or even believe that she's still deep in love with him if she's affaired? I believe the answer to all is no, but you're right that's me projecting myself onto him (also I believe optimism is self-delusion). She could have both only if he goes along with it... but will he?

But I agree about the circles. I'll remain quiet too.