I'm turning from lesbian to bisexual.

[StarFang]

So defensive because I found your post quite rude and the presumption that I was actually going to sleep with him offensive. Just because I find him attractive doesn't mean I would actually do it anyway. By 'calm things down' I meant stop being so flirtatious with each other, which my girlfriend knows about anyway. I dunno, maybe also so defensive because I'm confused about the way I feel, because it doesn't sit with how I've felt for the past 10 years.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I need somewhere to get this all out. I'm currently writing a story about it too.

Here we go. I'm a lesbian, I've been with my girlfriend for 6 years, my last girlfriend I was with for 4 years.

Just lately there's this guy a work I really, really like. And here begins my issue.

He's clearly off limits, he's way too young. I'm in a stable, loving relationship. But I just want to tear his clothes off at every given moment.

I don't generally fancy any other guys, it's just him.

I need a detox from him

That is all.

It happens.

Sexuality is fluid for most people.

Seriously, I'm not sure at what point I said I was going to fuck him. With or without her consent. Secondly, I think I'd already stated I was no longer a lesbian. Labels suck anyway, sexuality is fluid. Finally, stable and loving were crap words to choose.

Maybe she has a right to know how I feel, then maybe its a phase so what's the point of worrying her unnecessarily. And she would worry if I told her.

If you have changed your self designation from lesbian to bi, then I don't see how you can honestly believe a conversation with your S/O is NOT in order. Honesty is important, even if you don't plan on ever stepping outside of your relationship.

Thank you.

I don't need a lecture on sexuality, I'm well aware of the dictionary definitions.

As I've said, I think it's the attention. I'm probably not going to see him this week, due to opposite shifts, anyway.

I'll have a word and tell him we should calm things down at work as well.

The last sentence makes it seem like there is more between the two of you than just harmless flirtation. I would never judge your right to explore, in any way...but I do think that once again...you have shown WHY a talk with your S/O might be in order.

********​

For myself, I am queer. I don't base my attraction to people on their gender but for the past 7 years, all of my lovers have been female. If your sexuality is changing, then your girl should have a chance to learn about it from you.

Talking about it on a porn board, won't make it go away. In my head, the only labels that matter are those we give to ourselves (though I am sure many will disagree with that assessment) but if your girl believes you to be a lesbian...and you no longer ARE one...she should have the opportunity to choose whether or not she wants to stick around while you figure things out.

Just my opinion, YMMV...

 

[infinity706]

Ummmm... No! (IMO )

LESBIAN: A person sexually responsive to only members of the female gender.

BISEXUAL: A person sexually responsive to both sexes.
(http://m.dictionary.com/d/?q=Bisexual&submit-result-SEARCHD=Search)


In other words, if your nipples pop and you get wet when you think of some dude, you ain't a dyke! If you find them "artistically attractive" or if you think he would genetically make pretty babies that's one thing. If you get a case of the "pussy gushies" that's another. In the first case you aren't really responding sexually (so you get to keep your membership card ) and in the second case you are (so just tear the damn thing up cuz we're changing the locks to the clubhouse!)

I guess what I'm really trying to say (once I pull my tongue outta my cheek) is that there IS a purpose for accurate labels. They allow for us who have distinct preferences to have a choice. If bisexuals now get to define themselves with the very specific label of "lesbian" then that choice is taken from us.

That pretty much wrecks any meaning for gay/lesbian, bi, and straight. Even out of the gold stars that have been willing to openly discuss their sexuality with me, I haven't found anyone that hasn't left a wet spot in their pants over at least one person of the sex they're less likely to be attracted to. There are clearly sexuality scales, but defining someone's true sexual attractions would take so many labels it would only be useful for laboratory purposes. Maybe some kind of cut off like 90% of the people that someone's attracted to would be a more reasonable measure for the straight vs gay/lesbian ends of the scale.

 

[Stella_Omega]

So defensive because I found your post quite rude and the presumption that I was actually going to sleep with him offensive. Just because I find him attractive doesn't mean I would actually do it anyway. By 'calm things down' I meant stop being so flirtatious with each other, which my girlfriend knows about anyway. I dunno, maybe also so defensive because I'm confused about the way I feel, because it doesn't sit with how I've felt for the past 10 years.

yes, safebet is rude, and she calls people "defensive" when they mention that fact.

So now you know what to expect from her.

Not everyone agrees with her, though. MOST people experiences a sexual attraction they weren't expecting, at some time in their lives. Straight folk get blindsided by someone of the same sex. Gay people somehow find themselves noticing someone of the opposite sex.

WE have become conditioned to acting on our impulses. As you so well point out, we don't always have to.

 

[ivantheterrible]

If you're hetero then why are you here in the GLBT forum???

BTW, I "choose" to be a homosexual just the same way you "chose" to be a trolling butt nugget. (IOW, we didn't. We were both that way, you douche!)

and you are apparently an ANGRY lesbian who does not like other ideas that just might make you or others question life in general. get over yourself.

 

[celticbtrfly]

So defensive because I found your post quite rude and the presumption that I was actually going to sleep with him offensive. Just because I find him attractive doesn't mean I would actually do it anyway. By 'calm things down' I meant stop being so flirtatious with each other, which my girlfriend knows about anyway. I dunno, maybe also so defensive because I'm confused about the way I feel, because it doesn't sit with how I've felt for the past 10 years.

*sticks head hesitantly into room* I don't really want to walk in the fray, but just want to offer support. I get how it can feel to have who you are challenged by a shift in feelings for someone. Outside of this whole conversation about labels, this also comes down to having feelings that could potentially hurt someone you love--even if you never act on them.

 

[pink]

I, too, feel that you need to be honest with your SO about your new attraction. It is important to be open and honest with her about yourself.

 

[Wyldfire]

How about we don't use labels at all? I am a sexual person. If I like a man I will be with a man. If the next day I see a woman that attracts me I might chase her.

Preference is preference. I don't see a need to fuss over that sort of titles. But if one needs to sniff titles with me I am a bisexual poly. I am in a happy relationship with a man and another woman.

No need for the fussing about losing ones "Lesbianness". You love people, there it is.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'll disagree with what some have advised here. If she ever interrogates you about your sexual preferences (which she would hopefully never have a reason to,) then it might be best to be honest. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about bringing it up, because it's not important. The only person your girlfriend needs to know that you love and that you would ever love or lust after is her.

Let's say you were sexually attracted to red heads and thus were a redhead-osexual but you like blonde hair too, and your lover was blonde. Would you feel the need to tell her you're also attracted to red hair - something she doesn't have if you're also attracted to blonde hair - which she does have? I don't think so! She only needs to know you love what she has. The only reason I could think to tell her otherwise is if you're seriously thinking of going after someone else.

I agree with this post. And the last sentence in particular.

 

[hollyandivy]

How about we don't use labels at all? I am a sexual person. If I like a man I will be with a man. If the next day I see a woman that attracts me I might chase her.

I completely agree with everything you wrote, and I feel the same way myself. I've been attracted to both sexes, all ages, all types. And I believe that the majority of people on this planet have been attracted to both sexes at some point, to varying degrees, but some can't admit it to themselves or anyone else. Like another poster said, sexuality is very fluid. What the OP is going through is completely normal, and I think expressing her feelings through writing is a great idea.

 

[Laplaciana]

It happens. It happened to me a few years ago as well. I was terrified that I would become straight. I wasn't in a relationship at the time but a few of my exes went stone cold fuck nuts, when they found out anyway.
It's a bitch on my identity. I still have a lesbian one and tend to forget that I'm bisexual Actually, I'm not even bisexual. I was involved in a weekend of workshops about sexual orientations and identities. I learned that I was pansexual.

I just tell people that I'm bisexual; if I tell them that I'm pansexual, they make me explain the differences between definitions and I've forgotten them. They're extremely dry reading and they make my brain tie itself into a knot.

I wouldn't tell your girlfriend if I were you. Unless she asks you. But it has nothing to do with her. You love her and you're with her. That should be good enough for her.
Lesbians so often just assume that they have to compete with men, when they're with someone bisexual. They can get truly nasty about it. But that's simply not true. It's not a contest. It never was. You simply can't explain that to insecure people.


Later edit: No, I'm not pansexual! After the last couple of years of communicating with so many transgenders, I wouldn't touch any of them with a ten-metre stick.

 

[Safe_Bet]

It happens. It happened to me a few years ago as well. I was terrified that I would become straight. I wasn't in a relationship at the time but a few of my exes went stone cold fuck nuts, when they found out anyway.
It's a bitch on my identity. I still have a lesbian one and tend to forget that I'm bisexual Actually, I'm not even bisexual. I was involved in a weekend of workshops about sexual orientations and identities. I learned that I was pansexual.

I just tell people that I'm bisexual; if I tell them that I'm pansexual, they make me explain the differences between definitions and I've forgotten them. They're extremely dry reading and they make my brain tie itself into a knot.

I wouldn't tell your girlfriend if I were you. Unless she asks you. But it has nothing to do with her. You love her and you're with her. That should be good enough for her.
Lesbians so often just assume that they have to compete with men, when they're with someone bisexual. They can get truly nasty about it. But that's simply not true. It's not a contest. It never was. You simply can't explain that to insecure people.

Seriously??? So if just FINE to lie (even by omission) to the nasty insecure lesbians, huh? What ever gets YOU what you want, right? Just fuck them and their right to choose differently! That they find what you do abhorrent makes no difference at all!

Yeah you're right. You CERTAINLY sound like just another hedonistic, self serving bisexual who is only concerned about getting what THEY want cuz obviously nobody else matters cuz they're just nasty and insecure!

 

[Laplaciana]

Seriously??? So if just FINE to lie (even by omission) to the nasty insecure lesbians, huh? What ever gets YOU what you want, right? Just fuck them and their right to choose differently! That they find what you do abhorrent makes no difference at all!

Yeah you're right. You CERTAINLY sound like just another hedonistic, self serving bisexual who is only concerned about getting what THEY want cuz obviously nobody else matters cuz they're just nasty and insecure!

Oh, dear. I knew that you would have a judgmental diatribe about the subject.
It would be one thing if they were only starting a relationship. Given that it's a stable relationship that has spanned years, I don't see one partner adding to her sexual tastes to be worthy of a referendum. She doesn't plan to do anything about it, she's still the same person as she was before; she just discovered something new about herself.
There is such a thing as privacy. You may not know this, but people in a relationship are not supposed to actually "become one", they're supposed to stay two people.

Allow me now to stoop to your level and inform you that people like you are the reason that so many bisexuals simply give up on the same sex, if they can, or decide on a straight lifestyle with closeted bi tendencies.

I don't expect to be flayed for my sexual tastes; I especially don't expect my love interest to turn psycho on me upon finding out about them.
I actually tell women that I'm bisexual, just to get it over with and vet out the judgmental psychos, who think that they have a right to own and pre-approve my entire sexual history.

 

[Safe_Bet]

Oh, dear. I knew that you would have a judgmental diatribe about the subject.
It would be one thing if they were only starting a relationship. Given that it's a stable relationship that has spanned years, I don't see one partner adding to her sexual tastes to be worthy of a referendum. She doesn't plan to do anything about it, she's still the same person as she was before; she just discovered something new about herself.
There is such a thing as privacy. You may not know this, but people in a relationship are not supposed to actually "become one", they're supposed to stay two people.

Allow me now to stoop to your level and inform you that people like you are the reason that so many bisexuals simply give up on the same sex, if they can, or decide on a straight lifestyle with closeted bi tendencies.

I don't expect to be flayed for my sexual tastes; I especially don't expect my love interest to turn psycho on me upon finding out about them.
I actually tell women that I'm bisexual, just to get it over with and vet out the judgmental psychos, who think that they have a right to own and pre-approve my entire sexual history.

Oh, I get it now! Us nasty, insecure lesbians have no say in our own sex lives. THAT is reserved for bisexuals, right? That's why it's okay to lie to your lover about having desires for/relations with dudes even if that would be a deal breaker. And of course, if you were suddenly into beastiality and started fucking a pony, she'd have no right to know that either cuz it's "private"!

P.S. You didn't need to qualify you previous statements by saying that you weren't in a relationship, BTW. It clear that with your "it's all about me" mentality you either have never had one or, if you did, did stay in it very long.

 

[PricelessT]

Seriously, I'm not sure at what point I said I was going to fuck him. With or without her consent. Secondly, I think I'd already stated I was no longer a lesbian. Labels suck anyway, sexuality is fluid. Finally, stable and lovig were crap were words to choose.

If you still want to insist that you are a lesbian, you can do so and still have the label be accurate. Why? Because many women who are predominantly, but not exclusively, sexually attracted to women identify as lesbian and many researchers define "lesbian" to mean women are exclusively or predominantly sexually to women. There are even estimates that most of the lesbian community are made up of such women. And as some people know, most gay/lesbian individuals have at some point had sex with the opposite sex; plenty of these men and women will tell you that it was not horribly unpleasant when they did because sexual pleasure can be separated from sexual attraction. Which is why there exists men who will have sex with a woman they are not sexually attracted to.

I've explained all this and more before in other threads with various reliable sources, while all Safe_Bet does is provide her one dictionary definition of "lesbian" and insist that people have to be 100% lesbian to identify as lesbian and/or to be a true lesbian, despite many researchers defining "lesbian" to mean "exclusively or predominantly" and other researchers believing that no one is 100% heterosexual or homosexual. Just ignore her rude, uneducated self and do your own research. Google Books and Google Scholar have great articles on all of this. See a study titled Sexual identity development among lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths: Consistency and change over time in the Journal of Sex Research (2009), for example.

Hey, I would have Ian McKellan's double-gay love children, and I'm still a lesbian. I'm not gold star either, so GASP maybe I will fuck a guy TOMORROW.

Or...not. I'm gay because I'm gay, not because somebody vetted me as such.

Exactly. Well said.

 

[Laplaciana]

Oh, I get it now! Us nasty, insecure lesbians have no say in our own sex lives. THAT is reserved for bisexuals, right? That's why it's okay to lie to your lover about having desires for/relations with dudes even if that would be a deal breaker. And of course, if you were suddenly into beastiality and started fucking a pony, she'd have no right to know that either cuz it's "private"!

P.S. You didn't need to qualify you previous statements by saying that you weren't in a relationship, BTW. It clear that with your "it's all about me" mentality you either have never had one or, if you did, did stay in it very long.

I'm actually in a casual relationship and you seem to be going out of your way to misunderstand the situation, you rude, rude person. Being a lesbian doesn't grant you a permission to flaunt your prejudices!

If I were suddenly into bestiality and wanted to start fucking a pony, I would be calling a shrink, not discussing it with my partner. If however, I were suddenly into bestiality and had no plans to act on it, I would certainly not be talking about it with my partner. It would have no bearing on our relationship!

P.S. Of course it's about me, it's my bloody life! Who is it going to be about if not me?

 

[Safe_Bet]

If you still want to insist that you are a lesbian, you can do so and still have the label be accurate. Why? Because many women who are predominantly, but not exclusively, sexually attracted to women identify as lesbian and many researchers define "lesbian" to mean women are exclusively or predominantly sexually to women. There are even estimates that most of the lesbian community are made up of such women. And as some people know, most gay/lesbian individuals have at some point had sex with the opposite sex; plenty of these men and women will tell you that it was not horribly unpleasant when they did because sexual pleasure can be separated from sexual attraction. Which is why there exists men who will have sex with a woman they are not sexually attracted to.

I've explained all this and more before in other threads with various reliable sources, while all Safe_Bet does is provide her one dictionary definition of "lesbian" and insist that people have to be 100% lesbian to identify as lesbian and/or to be a true lesbian, despite many researchers defining "lesbian" to mean "exclusively or predominantly" and other researchers believing that no one is 100% heterosexual or homosexual. Just ignore her rude, uneducated self and do your own research. Google Books and Google Scholar have great articles on all of this. See a study titled Sexual identity development among lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths: Consistency and change over time in the Journal of Sex Research (2009), for example.



Exactly. Well said.

Maggie Galagher quotes a lot of books and research too! That STILL doesn't mean that a bunch of bisexuals (like you, Princess) gets to redefine the term lesbian.

Nice try, again. (even though "you're a lesbian cuz you want to say you are" STILL doesn't hold water.)

 

[Somehowyou]

If your current relationship is as stable and loving as you claim, she will understand and continue to love you. As a side note, stable and loving relationships are as boring as the term "stable and loving."

Having said that, if you don't tear his clothes off and fuck his brains out, you'll never forgive yourself. You'll be spending the rest of your life with "Miss Stable" wondering about what might have been.

Gp for it!

Best advice so far...I love you Janeyruth!

 

[PricelessT]

Maggie Galagher quotes a lot of books and research too! That STILL doesn't mean that a bunch of bisexuals (like you, Princess) gets to redefine the term lesbian.

Nice try, again. (even though "you're a lesbian cuz you want to say you are" STILL doesn't hold water.)

Sigh. I'm not bisexual and you don't get to define me as such, just like you don't get to define other people as lesbian or bisexual if that's not how they identify. I've already been quite clear in other discussions with you and others on this board that I'm not sexually/romantically interested in men at all. It's just that, unlike you, I'm am well-versed on the topic of sexuality and sexual identity and I accept that there is more than one definition of "lesbian" and support it. You can keep waving your dictionary definition of lesbian around all you want; it doesn't mean you get to limit the definition of lesbian all because you can't accept the fact that it's not always or even mostly limited the way you want it to be.

 

[John Doe]

If you're hetero then why are you here in the GLBT forum???

BTW, I "choose" to be a homosexual just the same way you "chose" to be a trolling butt nugget. (IOW, we didn't. We were both that way, you douche!)

Why can't he be here?

 

[Etoile]

Why can't he be here?

He can. GLBT refers to the nature of the discussion, not the orientation of its participants. Everyone is welcome.

 

[John Doe]

How about we don't use labels at all? I am a sexual person. If I like a man I will be with a man. If the next day I see a woman that attracts me I might chase her.

Preference is preference. I don't see a need to fuss over that sort of titles. But if one needs to sniff titles with me I am a bisexual poly. I am in a happy relationship with a man and another woman.

No need for the fussing about losing ones "Lesbianness". You love people, there it is.

It's human nature to label, and to some extent it's helpful, but--as with everything else--the key is balance...usually.

 

[John Doe]

He can. GLBT refers to the nature of the discussion, not the orientation of its participants. Everyone is welcome.

As I thought, but I'm wondering what led Safe_Bet to ask "...why are you here...?".

 

[Safe_Bet]

Why can't he be here?

Let me rephrase it for you then:

Why does a self proclaimed hetero feel the need to state the fact in the middle of a discussion like this one?

Better???

 

[Safe_Bet]

Sigh. I'm not bisexual and you don't get to define me as such, just like you don't get to define other people as lesbian or bisexual if that's not how they identify. I've already been quite clear in other discussions with you and others on this board that I'm not sexually/romantically interested in men at all. It's just that, unlike you, I'm am well-versed on the topic of sexuality and sexual identity and I accept that there is more than one definition of "lesbian" and support it. You can keep waving your dictionary definition of lesbian around all you want; it doesn't mean you get to limit the definition of lesbian all because you can't accept the fact that it's not always or even mostly limited the way you want it to be.

Jeebus! Your arguments just get more inane!

So in other words, you just don't care what the definitive reference on the meaning of words says. If it disagrees with you OPINION then you completely discount it.

Nice blinders, BTW. They match your shoes too!