Jokes & Humor

[PepperTed]

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE


Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's
"Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust
on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom
House of Representatives, Washington, DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

 

[PepperTed]

Freaky stuff

>
> Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
> John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
> Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
> John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
> Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
> Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
> Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
> Both Presidents were shot in the head.
> Now it gets really weird.
> Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
> Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
> Both Presidents were assassinated by Southerners.
> Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
> Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
> Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
> John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
> Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
> Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are
composed
> of fifteen letters.
> Now hang on to your seat.
> Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'
> Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
> Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a
warehouse.
> Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in
a
> theatre.
> Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
> And here's the kicker...
> A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
> A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Monroe, Marilyn
> Creepy huh?
Send this to as many people as you can, cause: Hey, this is
> one history lesson people don't mind reading.

 

[PepperTed]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

 

[Icey*Fire]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

 

[redrider4u]

Found on another thread.......

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."


(hi icey*)

__________________

 

[tonitits]

I got this from a friend through email. Hope you enjoy it.


Truths
1. The best way to get even is to forget.
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight.
5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth.
6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, Then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!
7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.
8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.
9. Words are windows to the heart.
10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.
11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a mole! hill -- just add a little dirt.
12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person -- it's being the right person.
13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
14. Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them.
15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.
16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.
17. You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive!
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush every once in awhile.
19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
And last but not least -- God gave the angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE.

 

[tonitits]

Ex-President Clinton was playing golf with some of his buddies. When the
day warmed up, Clinton
removed his jacket and revealed a pair of panties stuck to his left
bicep. No one had the nerve
to ask him about it for a while, but eventually one of the group asked,
"Mr. President, are you
aware that you have a pair of women's panties stuck to your left arm?"
Clinton replied, "That's
the patch... I'm trying to quit!"

 

[tonitits]

Subject: artistic interpretation

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were,
staring, at, a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted, three, very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the, figures, had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble,
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for, nearly, half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of, African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.,

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced, by, gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt,
approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting, is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than, the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.,

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're, just three West Virginia coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

 

[tonitits]

Oldtime Wash Instructions

Years ago a Kentucky grandmother gave a new bride the
following recipe for washing clothes. It appears below just as it was written and despite the spelling, has a bit of philosophy. This is exactly as written and preserved in an old scrap book (with spelling intact).

1. Bilt fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water.
2. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.
3. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in bilin water.
4. Sort things, make 3 piles.
1 pile white,
1 pile colored,
1 pile work britches and rags.
5. To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then
thin down with bilin water.
6. Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard,
and then bile. Rub colored don't bile, just rinch and starch.
7. Take things out of kettle with broomstick handle, then
rinch and starch.
8. Hang old rags on fence.
9. Spread tea towels on grass.
10. Pore rinch water in flower bed.
11. Scrub porch with hot soapy water.
12. Turn tubs upside down.
13. Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew
cup of tea,sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.

[tape this over your washer and dryer and next time when you
think things seem bleak, read it again and give thanks for your blessings!]

 

[tonitits]

AND GOD CREATED WOMAN

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then God added a mouth and ruined the whole darn thing!!!

 

[tonitits]

No moving parts, no batteries.
No monthly payments and no fees;
Inflation proof, nontaxable,
In fact, it's quite relaxable;
It can't be stolen, won't pollute,
One size fits all, do not dilute.
It uses little energy,
But yields results enormously.
Relieves your tension and your stress,
Invigorates your happiness;
Combats depression, makes you beam,
And elevates your self esteem!
Your circulation it corrects -
without unpleasant side effects
It is, I think, the perfect drug:
May I prescribe, my friend ... the hug!
(and, of course, fully returnable

 

[Icey*Fire]

After suffering through years of this wife's godawful coffee, the man spit it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, "Here they are."!
"Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.
"Grounds for divorce.'

 

[PepperTed]

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon."He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...

 

[PepperTed]

> > Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
> >
> >
> > PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
> >
> > Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
> > A: No, 35 children is enough.
> >
> > Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
> > A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
> >
> > Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
> > A: Childbirth.
> >
> > Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
> > borderline irrational.
> > A: So what's your question?
> >
> > Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
> but
> > pressure. Is she right?
> > A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
> >
> > Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
> > A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
> >
> > Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
> is
> > in labor?
> > A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
> >
> > Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
> > A: Yes, pregnancy.
> >
> > Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
> > A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
> >
> > Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
> > normal again?
> > A: When the kids are in college.
> >
> >
> > "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
> >
> > 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
> >
> > 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
> > 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
> > 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
> > 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
> > 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
> > that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"
> > 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
> > 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
> > 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
> > 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
> > 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
> >
> > TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
> >
> > 10. Cat's facial expressions. .
> > 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
> > 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
> > 7. Fat clothes.
> > 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
> > 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
> > 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
> > 3. Eyelash curlers.
> > 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
> >
> > AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
> >
> > 1. OTHER WOMEN

 

[PepperTed]

> > Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded
> > to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked
Katelyn,
> > a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he
could
> > see while he helped deliver the baby.
> >
> > Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
> > pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
> >
> > The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom.
> > Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help
and
> > asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had
just
witnessed.
> >
> > Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place. Smack him again."
> >

 

[redrider4u]

> > Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded
> > to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked
Katelyn,
> > a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he
could
> > see while he helped deliver the baby.
> >
> > Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
> > pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
> >
> > The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom.
> > Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help
and
> > asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had
just
witnessed.
> >
> > Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place. Smack him again."
> >

Too damn funny............

 

[PepperTed]

Too damn funny............

Glad that you liked it...

 

[Icey*Fire]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baby Photographer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

 

[alwaysawake]

The top twelve suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar
2. World Championship Riesling

And the NUMBER ONE name for Wal-Mart Wine. . .
1. Nasti Spumante

 

[edreams]

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi from local congregations are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:
THE END IS NEAR! TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!
A driver sped past and yelled," Leave us alone you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The rabbi turns to the other two and says, "See, I told you the sign should just read: "BRIDGE OUT"

 

[KindaKinky]

Little mary donned her skates
upon the ice to frisk.
Wasn't she a silly girl
her little *?

 

[KindaKinky]

* (means asterisk)

Now say the poem again.

And start laughing.

I don't get it…
…reading it again…
that IS funny!

 

[KindaKinky]

This was originally posted by huskie in another thread:

One night this little blind boy's mother said to him,
"Johnny, if you pray really, REALLY hard tonight,
when the sun rises tomorrow you will be able to see!"

Needless to say, Johnny prays up a storm!

Morning came and Johnny's still blind! Johnny starts
crying and his mom rushes in. Mom says, "Johnny, what's
wrong?"

Johnny wails, "Mommy, I prayed so hard and yet I'm still
blind!"

Mom replies, "I know honey. April Fool!"

Bitch!

 

[rosylady]

Why Nagging a Man Doesn't Work
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is
lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do
laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

 

[tonitits]

Why Nagging a Man Doesn't Work
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is
lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do
laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Roflmao!!!!!!!!! Too funny Rosy!