SHITS AND GIGGLES - Snexxers comedy club

[TheGoodLife3976]

I watched the HBO documentary on Mel Brooks. They showed him on stage participating in a Q&A session.

The question.. "Boxers or briefs?"

He's 99 years old. He hesitated a second, then responded "Depends."

 

[snexxer]

An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden! That's where the bodies are buried. Love Vinnie"

At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The next day, the old man received another letter from this son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"

 

[barefootgirl69]

How come when you buy a pair of shoes, you get two shoes, but you only get one bird when you buy a parakeet?

 

[snexxer]

In the lunch room at the old folks home some crazy old lady is running around, lifting up her skirt and yelling "Super Pussy!" "Super Pussy!"

An old guy sitting at one of the tables who was hard of hearing asked the guy next to him, "What'd she say?"

He leans in closer to his friend and says, "She said Super Pussy"

The old guy responds, "Ah.... gimme the soup..."

 

[IARainman]

In the same old folks home 3 gents are talking about what they miss from youth.

The first says, "I really miss peeing with a good solid stream. These dribbles I make are depressing."

The seconds says,"I really miss a good satisfying bowel movement, such disappointing small runny poops these days."

The third says, "every morning, 6:30 on the dot, I piss with a stream that would make a young man jealous, I virtual river of pee. And, at 6:35 exactly, I produce the most beautiful firm poop."

One of the others says, "well, I guess you don't have much to complain about."

The third man replies, "Only problem is, I don't get out of bed until 8:00,"

 

[PolyRhythmist]

A traveler travels to a monastery. They give him food and water and he can sleep inside. Each evening he hears some weird, strange sound.
When he asks a monk about the sound, the monk says: "I can't tell you what causes the sound, because you are not a monk".

The traveler is very curious, so he spends three years in the monastery as a neophyte, chopping wood and carrying water, then he asks the monks about the origin of the sound.
The monk says: "We can't tell you, because you are not a monk"

So the traveler spends another three years as a novice, watering plants and cooking food,then he asks the monks about the origin of the sound.
The monk says: "We can't tell you, because you are not a monk"

So the traveler spends another three years as an initiate, studying religious texts, then he asks the monks about the origin of the sound.
The monk says: "We can't tell you, because you are not a monk"
The traveler spends another three years meditating and praying.

Finally they hold a ceremony when the traveler is ordained to be a monk.
He asks a monk about the origin of the sound.

The monk says: "You are a monk now, go and see."

The monk leads the traveler to a passage.
The passage leads to a big room.
The room leads to another passage.
The passage leads to a small room.

There, the traveler finally sees what is causing the strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you are not a monk.

 

[snexxer]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned the task of helping the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"You fuckers", he says, with anger and sadness in his eyes, "the word was celebrate!"

 

[angelofthenorth]

Why did the condom fly across the room?
Cos it got pissed off!

 

[snexxer]

Me too Nog, me too.