SHITS AND GIGGLES - Snexxers comedy club

[TiedbyChris]

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

 

[Grumpy_OG]

One thing I learned this Christmas ... If you are in church and they're gonna sing Joy To The World,
you don't start off with, "Jeremiah was a bullfrog!"

 

[Graybear1826]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I've never paid $200 to have a lentil on my face.

 

[snexxer]

Woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

So he gives her one.

 

[LeSabreur]

What piece of furniture do you choose to have sex on if you want to avoid pregnancy?


The pull-out sofa

 

[LeSabreur]

Any sofa can be turned into a sleeper sofa if you give your wife a treadmill for Christmas.

 

[TheGoodLife3976]

A lawyer quit to be a dog walker. He preferred Boxers over briefs.

 

[TiedbyChris]

A dog and cat were arguing about which one of them was most preferred by humans.

This went on for some time until the dog, with a final flourish of arrogance said, well they call some of their teeth after us, the canines. So if they name one of their body parts in our honour, dogs are the clear winners of this debate therefore I rest my case.

The cat rolled it’s eyes and said you just don’t get it do you.

 

[snexxer]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

 

[Grumpy_OG]

My phone has this cool app that shows what I look like as an old person.

... It's called a camera.

 

[Grumpy_OG]

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

 

[TiedbyChris]

A man was stranded on deserted island for over 10 years. One day a beautiful girl appears from nowhere and swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been at least ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been at least ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of Bushmills Irish whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"!

Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"

The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!?!"

 

[snexxer]

I've just found an app that allows your phone to show you what you look like when you're old.

It's called Camera.

 

[TiedbyChris]

A beautiful 26 year old knocked my door and offered me sex this morning, but only on the basis that I promoted a new bathroom cleaner on all my social media sites. Of course I said no because of my strong morals and my willpower, which are just as strong as new Shiny Loo, which kills 99% of all known germs and is now available in both lemon and alpine scents.

 

[TheGoodLife3976]

Why is there no pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in another box.

 

[barefootgirl69]

So a friend of mine started a club for men with erectile dysfunction!

It was a flop because no one came!

 

[snexxer]

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."

The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."

Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."

But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.

The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Why did the deer go to the dentist?

Because he had a buck tooth.

 

[Graybear1826]

Had a dream I was afloat in an ocean of orange soda.

Alas, it was just a Fanta Sea.

I feel like I should apologize...

 

[SirCorneliusWankumbush]

How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

 

[SirCorneliusWankumbush]

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to one hundred?

Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

 

[Grumpy_OG]

This just in: WEATHER UPDATE
Due to extreme cold, Walmart is urging its customers to wear 2 pair of pajamas when shopping.

 

[snexxer]

I always get asked how I met my wife.

Truth be told...
I burned her at the stake in 1645, In her final words, she swore revenge in another life.

 

[Grumpy_OG]

To everyone buying up all the toilet paper before the big storm hits:

SNOW DOES NOT GIVE YOU DIARRHEA!

 

[snexxer]

A blonde walks into a library and says,
“Can I get a burger and fries?”

The librarian whispers, “This is a library.”

The blonde leans in and in a really quiet voice says,
“Oh… sorry. Can I get a burger and fries?”