SHITS AND GIGGLES - Snexxers comedy club

[snexxer]

A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens.

The nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.'

So the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do.

The nurse says, ' i think that oral sex will arouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.'

The nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, shouting for the nurse that his wife has stopped breathing.

The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. He replies, 'I think that she choked.'

 

[TiedbyChris]

One day a woman went to her local vet with her pet duck. Her duck wasn’t moving. The vet saw her come in and took the duck and put it on the table, got out his stethoscope listening to the duck’s chest. He looked up at the lady, shook his head and said ‘your ducks dead’ .
She said ‘What do you mean my ducks dead? You didn’t even do any extra tests, you didn’t hook her to a machine, how do I know my ducks dead?’
The vet couldn’t believe it, he shook his head and walked out the room. He came back in with a black Labrador retriever. The dog walked up to the table and sniffed the entire duck. He looked up at the vet and shook his head. The vet walked him out.
He came back in with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table, sniffed the duck, looked up at the vet, shook his head and walked out the room.

The vet said to the woman, like I told you, your ducks dead. That’ll be £200.

She says what? £200 just to tell me my ducks dead.

He said well it would have only been £20 if you had listened to me the first time, but now it jumped up to £200 because I had to do a lab report and a cat scan.

 

[snexxer]

Two Ladies Meet Up in Heaven

1st woman: Hi!Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

Sylvia: I froze to death.

Wanda: How horrible!

Sylvia: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

Sylvia: So, what happened?

Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman hiding somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went
through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Sylvia: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

[Grumpy_OG]

Inside the church, the organ music filled the air while the congregation filled the pews.

Out of nowhere, a voice shouted out, “The organ player’s a mother fucker!”

Gasps and mutterings of shock could be heard as everyone looked around to find the person that would shout such a thing!

The pastor moved to the pulpit to look down on the congregation, scouring each row while demanding the person to stand and be identified.

Each and every person searched around their pews for that one guilty face that might identify the offender.

All of a sudden, in the middle of the church, a man slowly and cautiously rose and proclaimed, “Reverend, I am NOT the person that called the organ player a mother fucker.”

Murmurs of suspicion crept through the congregation as pressure built to find and cast blame on the offender. A moment later, the man seated next to the proclaimer stood and confessed, “Reverend, I am not the person sitting next to the person that called the organ player a mother fucker.”

Tension was rising as this procedure went on to reveal the next person was not the person sitting next to the person sitting next to the person who called the organ player a mother fucker.

Finally, yet another man stood as the congregation hushed to hear what he would say.

“Reverend, I am NOT the person sitting next to the person, sitting next to the person, sitting next to the person or even the person sitting next to the person who is sitting next to the person who is sitting next to the person, but Reverend, who called that mother fucker an organ player?”

 

[TiedbyChris]

An English cat called “One Two Three” and a French cat called “Un, Deux, Trois” had a race to swim the channel.

Which one won?

The English Cat of course.
The Un, Deux, Trois, Cat, Sank.

 

[snexxer]

 

[snexxer]

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.”

Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”

Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my cock this way!!!”

 

[barefootgirl69]

View attachment 2583718

It's a Christmas movie!

 

[snexxer]

It's a Christmas movie!

It 100% is. I've had this argument soooo many times.

 

[snexxer]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates…

“In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle,” he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, “These are Carol's."

 

[Grumpy_OG]

COFFEE spelled backwards is EEFFOC. Just know that
I don't give EEFFOC until I've had my coffee!

 

[TiedbyChris]

Whilst my kids were growing up, they kept covering me in cream and chocolate and put cherries on my head.

It was tough growing up in the gateau.

 

[snexxer]

This farmer just came up to me...

...he said 'I've got 68 sheep can you round them up for me?'

I said 'Sure. 70'.

 

[Breaking_Dawn_Fantasy]

Believe it or not, the first French Fries were not cooked in France.

They were cooked in Greece.

 

[snexxer]

An old man who is a bit hard of hearing visits a doctor and is complaining of chest pains.

The doctor tells him what to do and sends him on his way.

A few weeks go by, and the doctor sees the old man walking through the park holding hands with a young, beautiful woman and is just nothing but smiles.

The doctor approaches the old man and says, "Well, you look much better than the last time I saw you."

The old man says, "Well, I took your advice. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful!"

The doctor shakes his head and says, "No, I told you, 'You have a heart murmur, be careful!'"

 

[TheGoodLife3976]

A man complained to his doctor "Doctor, when I had the vasectomy, you told me I couldn't have kids any longer."

"That's right," said the doctor. "Is there a problem?"

"Yes," the man said. "When I got home, they were all still there!"

 

[TiedbyChris]

I tried those new viagra eyedrops.

Made me look hard

 

[snexxer]

My wife said to me today, "You're not listening are you?"

Which i thought, was an odd way to start a conversation.

 

[Grumpy_OG]

Christmas is just plain weird.
What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room
and eat candy out of your socks!

 

[barefootgirl69]

Christmas is just plain weird.
What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room
and eat candy out of your socks!

Do you really want to know? Well, way back when I was little...

Oh, this is a joke! Oopsie!

 

[MrsJ0nes]

Did you hear about the racist dairy farmer who accidentally shot himself in the foot?

Now he's lack toes intolerant.

 

[Grumpy_OG]

Life is like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll or your taking shit from some asshole!

 

[snexxer]

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.

 

[MrsJ0nes]

What's the difference between ICE and ice cream?

One is cold and full of nuts, the other is a dessert.

 

[snexxer]

Boxing day.
The day people go shopping for shit they didn't know they wanted yesterday.