Jokes & Humor
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KindaKinky
It's Been A Long Time…
- Joined
- Jan 24, 2003
- Posts
- 5,537
20 Metaphors for Stupidity
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. A few clowns short of a circus.
3. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
4. All foam, no beer.
5. As smart as bait.
6. Chinmey's clogged.
7. Sharp as a bag of wet mice.
8. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
9. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
10. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
11. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
12. Receiver is off the hook.
13. He's a few singers short of a barbershop quartet.
14. A photographic memory, but the lens is glued on.
15. Fell out of the family tree head first.
16. She's a few french fries short of a Happy Meal®.
17. In the pinball game of life his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
18. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.
19. A room temperature IQ.
20.Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. A few clowns short of a circus.
3. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
4. All foam, no beer.
5. As smart as bait.
6. Chinmey's clogged.
7. Sharp as a bag of wet mice.
8. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
9. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
10. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
11. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
12. Receiver is off the hook.
13. He's a few singers short of a barbershop quartet.
14. A photographic memory, but the lens is glued on.
15. Fell out of the family tree head first.
16. She's a few french fries short of a Happy Meal®.
17. In the pinball game of life his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
18. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.
19. A room temperature IQ.
20.Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Icey*Fire
PG #36
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,667
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
Icey*Fire
PG #36
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,667
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
Icey*Fire
PG #36
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,667
. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. Don't byte off more than you can view.
14. Fax is stranger than fiction.
15. What boots up must come down.
16. Windows will never cease.
17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
18. Modulation in all things.
19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
20. There's no place like your homepage.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. Don't byte off more than you can view.
14. Fax is stranger than fiction.
15. What boots up must come down.
16. Windows will never cease.
17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
18. Modulation in all things.
19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
20. There's no place like your homepage.
Lordknightspoetry
Where did you go?
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Posts
- 2,910
Re: 20 Metaphors for Stupidity
Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
KindaKinky said:
Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
Lordknightspoetry
Where did you go?
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Posts
- 2,910
At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won't do."
"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won't do."
Lordknightspoetry
Where did you go?
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Posts
- 2,910
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Lordknightspoetry
Where did you go?
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Posts
- 2,910
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
randy dragon
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2003
- Posts
- 172
Ok so whats the difference between a lawer and a rat
there are some things a rat wont do
there are some things a rat wont do
randy dragon
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 3, 2003
- Posts
- 172
Lawers have no sense of humour
my brother told this one to his lawer
he rekons lawers dont have a sense of humour!!
God was having trouble in Heaven one day, it seemd the fence between Heaven and hell had fallen into dissrepair, and the occupants of hell were moving between Heaven and hell.
God looked on, said this wont do, so He calle d satan to the fence, and said, "satan this fence needs repairing, I will do my half and you must do the rest".
satan looked at Him and said,"it dont bother me none if my people go over into your place or if yours come to mine, im not going to do anything".
With that God said"well if you are going to take that stance , ill have to get alawer to deal with it"
to which satan replied, "and just where do you think you are going to find one of those, he he he"
__________________
my brother told this one to his lawer
he rekons lawers dont have a sense of humour!!
God was having trouble in Heaven one day, it seemd the fence between Heaven and hell had fallen into dissrepair, and the occupants of hell were moving between Heaven and hell.
God looked on, said this wont do, so He calle d satan to the fence, and said, "satan this fence needs repairing, I will do my half and you must do the rest".
satan looked at Him and said,"it dont bother me none if my people go over into your place or if yours come to mine, im not going to do anything".
With that God said"well if you are going to take that stance , ill have to get alawer to deal with it"
to which satan replied, "and just where do you think you are going to find one of those, he he he"
__________________
A woman was leaving Starbucks with her morning coffee when she noticed an unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse.
About 50 feet behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "His girlfriend."
She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
LMAO
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse.
About 50 feet behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "His girlfriend."
She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
LMAO
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
Storming into the drugstore first thing Monday morning. The young man slammed a carton and a receipt down on the counter. “I came in here on Friday and purchased twelve dozen condoms,” he yelled at the pharmacist. “Well, I counted them. There’s only eleven dozen here.” Looking at the man square in the eye, the pharmacist apologetically said, “So sorry, sir, to have ruined your weekend.” 
alwaysawake
Beaver Believer
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2002
- Posts
- 23,179
What did the tampon say to the condom?”
“If you break, we are both unemployed!”
“If you break, we are both unemployed!”
THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
1. It's important to have a man who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a man who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a man who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a man who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four men don't know each other.
1. It's important to have a man who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a man who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a man who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a man who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four men don't know each other.
PepperTed
Freedom to Roam
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2003
- Posts
- 3,433
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well
known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination
room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as
she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of
room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said,
"OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr.Chang shook
his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates. The woman asked
anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr.Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well
known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination
room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as
she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of
room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said,
"OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr.Chang shook
his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates. The woman asked
anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr.Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
PepperTed
Freedom to Roam
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2003
- Posts
- 3,433
Mexican Dinner
A Texas cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking
and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not
only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! deese are bull's
test*cles from de bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on
vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. Dere is only one serving per day
because dere is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you thees delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After
few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the
waiter and said, "These are delicious, but my portion is much, much smaller
than the one I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes de
bull, he wins."
A Texas cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking
and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not
only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! deese are bull's
test*cles from de bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on
vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. Dere is only one serving per day
because dere is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you thees delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After
few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the
waiter and said, "These are delicious, but my portion is much, much smaller
than the one I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes de
bull, he wins."
PepperTed
Freedom to Roam
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2003
- Posts
- 3,433
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes
off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks
by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Sir, did you
call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for
me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese,hairy man
lumbers out of the steam toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new here," says the hairy man,
"it's a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has is way
with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is reeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and
you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't
even had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies,
"Listen lady, I'm 58 years old; I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15
times a day."
off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks
by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Sir, did you
call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for
me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese,hairy man
lumbers out of the steam toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new here," says the hairy man,
"it's a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has is way
with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is reeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and
you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't
even had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies,
"Listen lady, I'm 58 years old; I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15
times a day."
PepperTed
Freedom to Roam
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2003
- Posts
- 3,433
THE NATIONAL POETRY CONTEST HAD COME DOWN TO 2
SEMI-FINALISTS:
A YALE GRADUATE AND A NEWFOUNDLANDER. THEY WERE GIVEN A
SINGLE WORD, THEN ALLOWED TWO MINUTES TO COME UP WITH A POEM THAT
CONTAINED THE WORD "TIMBUKTU.'".
FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE YALE GRADUATE. HE STEPPED UP TO
THE MICROPHONE AND SAID:-
SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION -TIMBUKTU."
THE CROWD WENT CRAZY!
NO WAY COULD THE NEWFIE TOP THAT THEY THOUGHT
THE NEWFOUNDLANDER CALMLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE MICROPHONE
AND RECITED:
ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU.
THE NEWFIE WON HANDS DOWN.
SEMI-FINALISTS:
A YALE GRADUATE AND A NEWFOUNDLANDER. THEY WERE GIVEN A
SINGLE WORD, THEN ALLOWED TWO MINUTES TO COME UP WITH A POEM THAT
CONTAINED THE WORD "TIMBUKTU.'".
FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE YALE GRADUATE. HE STEPPED UP TO
THE MICROPHONE AND SAID:-
SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION -TIMBUKTU."
THE CROWD WENT CRAZY!
NO WAY COULD THE NEWFIE TOP THAT THEY THOUGHT
THE NEWFOUNDLANDER CALMLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE MICROPHONE
AND RECITED:
ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU.
THE NEWFIE WON HANDS DOWN.
PepperTed
Freedom to Roam
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2003
- Posts
- 3,433
TENDER LOVING CARE
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up,
the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from
severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system.
He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't
do the following four things, your husband will surely die".
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work
in a good mood."
"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a
good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with
household chores."
"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,
have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So,
I saw the d octor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he
tell you?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up,
the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from
severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system.
He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't
do the following four things, your husband will surely die".
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work
in a good mood."
"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a
good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with
household chores."
"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,
have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So,
I saw the d octor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he
tell you?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
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