Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[Elmo_Lincoln]

Grandpa goes out fishing with Little Johnny. On the lake, he pulls a beer from the backpack and starts drinking.

Little Johnny asks, "Can I have a sip Grandpa?" His Grandpa asks, "Can your dick touch your butthole?" Little Johnny answers, "Unfortunately, not yet." His Grandpa then replies, "Then the answer is no."

On the second day of fishing. Grandpa pulls out a cigarette, lights it and starts smoking.

Little Johnny asks, "Can I have a puff, Grandpa?" His Grandpa asks, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Little Johnny answers, "Not yet, sir." His Grandpa then replies, "Then the answer is no."

A few minutes later. Little Johnny unwraps a pack of candy and his Grandpa asks, May I have a piece of candy?" Little Johnny asks, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" His Grandpa answers proudly, "Why, yes it can!" Without hesitation, Little Johnny replies, "Then go fuck yourself!"

 

[12oclocktales]

A woman runs an ad in the personal column:

Rich widow looking for a man to share life and fortune with. Must meet the following qualifications:
1. Won’t beat me up
2. Won’t run away
3. Must be great in bed

For months she entertains several men, but none meet her qualifications, at least to her satisfaction.

Then one day the doorbell rings and when she answers it, she finds a man with no arms or legs lying on a board. “What do you want?” she asks him.

"Hi," the man says. "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up, and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The woman asks, "And what makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

[mugsgame]

A doctor and his wife were playing golf at the local country club.

While on the 1st tee, his wife drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway.

The doctor was amazed and exclaimed, "Wow! I've never seen you hit the ball this well before!"

His wife replied, "Well, I took lessons." A couple of days later, the doctor and his wife were on the tennis court playing mixed doubles. Throughout the entire match, the wife smashed all of her serves and never missed a point.

The doctor said, "Wow, I've never seen you play tennis so well before!"

Again, his wife replied, "Well, I took lessons." That night, they settled into a nice dinner at home. The doctor's wife brought out exotic appetizers, beef wellington cooked to perfection, and baked Alaska for dessert.

The doctor said, "Wow, I've never seen you cook like this before!"

Once again, his wife replied, "Well, I took lessons." That night after dinner, she gave him that look, and they went upstairs to their bedroom.

After 30 minutes of fierce and passionate lovemaking, the doctor rolled over and gasped, "Wow, that was the best sex I've ever had."

Before his wife could speak, he added: "I want a divorce."

 

[mugsgame]

The Grocery Trip

An older single woman was shopping at the grocery store feeling lonely and horny. In the check out stand she noticed a young bag-boy and thought she might approach him.

When he asked if he could take her groceries to her car she excitedly said, "Yes."

As they headed to the door she touched his arm and said, "I have an Itchy Pussy."

The young man smiled and kept walking. Feeling he maybe he didn't understand when they reached the door she said again, "I have a itchy Pussy!"

The young man smiled and started to look in all directions, in the parking lot she tried one more time, "I have an itchy pussy!"

The young man turned and replied, "Lady your going to have to point it out to me, because I can't tell one import car from the next!"

 

[mugsgame]

A woman pregnant with triplets had a hunting accident with a shotgun

She was rushed to surgery, but 3 of the buckshot pellets could not get removed without endangering the kids, so they remained in her.

Later she delivers 2 boys and a girl, all healthy and well. Time goes by and nobody even thinks about the accident anymore, when they all become teenagers.

Then one day, one of the boys runs to him mum: "Mum, I was standing in front of the toilet, peeing, when suddenly i heard a sharp PLING-sound!" The mother, remembering the accident tells him not to worry about it, it wouldn't happen again.

The next day, the daughter comes running to her. "Mum, I was sitting on the toilet, peeing, when suddenly I heard a sharp PLING!" Again, the mother tells her not to worry, it would never happen again.

Again a day later, the last son came running to his mother.

She said: "I know, you were peeing and you heard a weird sound, right?"

"No..." said the son, scratching his head. "I was jerking off, and when I came I somehow shot the cat!"

 

[mugsgame]

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"

"I know," I whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."

 

[mugsgame]

A man has to go to the bathroom. He enters and finds the only stall occupied. He waits around for a few minutes, but the occupant doesn't move.

He knocks on the door and asks "Hey buddy, Sorry but I really gotta go, are you going to be long in there?"

The person inside replies with a thick accent: "What? Sorry no understand. My English not very good."

"European?" Says the man.

"No" replies the one inside, "Ima shittin."

 

[mugsgame]

A Canadian man loses his wife.

He goes to the stonemason and asks for a tombstone that says "rest in peace." A couple days before the funeral, he comes to check on the stone and sees that it says "Rest in Piece."

"Sorry," he says to the mason, "but I meant 'peace', with an 'a'."

On the eve of the funeral, the mason shows the widower the corrected version of the stone. "I've done it with the 'a'," he says.

Upon the stone is inscribed, "Rest in Piece, Eh?

 

[ccs29745]

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"

"I know," I whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."

Damn. Lol

 

[12oclocktales]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They are sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old man says to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replies, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man says, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickers, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

So they strip their clothes off and sit back down at the table.

"You know, honey," the sweet old lady says, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replies Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!”

 

[mugsgame]

A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture…

…when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses.

He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at him, and agrees. The driver plugs his cell phone into a laptop and connects it to a GPS and starts a remote body-heat scan of the area. During the process he sends some e-mails.

After receiving the answers, he prints a 100 page report on the portable printer in his glove compartment, and proudly announces to the shepherd: "You have exactly 1,478 sheep."

To which the shepherd answers: "Impressive. You can choose one sheep out of my flock.' He observes the man pick up an animal and load it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"You're on." the young man answers.

"You are a Mckinsey consultant," says the shepherd promptly.

"You are right! How could you possibly guess?" says the man, visibly surprised.

"It wasn't a guess," the shepherd replies. "You drive into my field uninvited. You want me to pay you for a piece of information I already know. You answer questions I haven't asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me back my dog."

 

[ShandyLeer]

I put all my cash into a start-up origami business.

………….but it folded.

 

[SubzeroGirl]

I couldn’t find a good Halloween joke, so here’s a bad one.

A ghost had been staying in a bed and breakfast hotel and when he came down for dinner he asked the waitress, "Please can I have two eggs, one tough and one rubbery, really tough bacon and burned, fried bread?"
The waitress said, "Sir, we really can't serve that kind of horrid food here."
The ghost replied, "Well, you did yesterday!"

 

[mugsgame]

A man walks into a bar

The man asks “How much for a beer?”

The bartender replies with “Its completely free,” the man happily takes the beer and drinks it.

Next the man asks “How much for a steak and mashed potatoes?”

The bartender replies with “Its only 1$,” the man once again happily takes his meal and eats it.

The man asks “Wow this place is amazing, is there any way I can meet the owner?”

The bartender replies with “The owner is currently upstairs in his office with my wife.”

The man asks in a confused tone “What is he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies with “The same thing I’m doing with his business.”

 

[mugsgame]

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

 

[mugsgame]

Dirty Ernie is in school and the teacher says...

Which one of you kids can give me a word that starts with A? Dirty Ernie raises his hand and is excitedly waving. The teacher knows Ernie is dirty and so she calls on Jane.

Jane says "Apple, a big red apple." The teacher is pleased and relieved that Ernie didn’t answer. She goes onto each letter B, C, D and Ernie wants to answer but the teacher knowing a dirty word for each letter calls on the other children.

She finally gets to R and Ernie is waving away. She doesn’t know, or can’t think of any dirty words that start with R and no other kids have their hands up, so she reluctantly calls on Ernie.

He stands and shouts "Rat!!!!! A big mother fucking rat!!!!"

 

[mugsgame]

I was walking with my new boyfriend and ran into my ex.

He came up smugly to my new boyfriend and said, “Hey asshole, let me tell you something. This chick over here, she’s worn out goods. I’ve used her before."

"Don't worry babe, just the front two inches, everything else is brand new.”

 

[12oclocktales]

Five surgeons are debating which profession makes the best patients on the operating table.

“I like to see accountants on my operating table because everything inside is numbered,” says the first surgeon.

The second one replies, “Yes, but you should look into electricians! Inside, everything is color coded.”

“No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order,” says the third surgeon.

“You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would,” says the fourth surgeon.

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he declares, “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”

 

[mugsgame]

A man's driving home after a crappy day at work, and decides "I REALLY need a freaking drink!"

So he pulls into the first bar he sees. Goes inside, sits down at the bar, and tells the bartender, "Hey, I need a beer."

Without missing a beat, the male bartender asks, "What's the name of your penis?"

The guy is stunned and at a loss of words for a moment.

Guy: "What the fuck? Dude, I just need a beer!"

Bartender: "Bar rules, sweetie, before I can get you a drink, you have to tell me the name of your penis."

Guy: "...again, what the fu-"

Bartender gives him a look and a gesture with a clear "Look around" message. The guy finally takes in his surroundings and realizes he has walked into a gay bar. "Whatever," he thinks, he just wants a beer.

Guy: "Man, I don't know. Can't I just get a drink?"

Bartender: "Sorry, house rules."

So the man sits back for a moment and thinks, then turns to the guy to his right who's already looking at him and asks, "Hey, buddy, what's the name of your penis?"

Patron 1: "It's Ford."

Guy: "Ford? Why Ford?"

Patron 1: "Because it's built Ford tough!" He grins, "Have you ridden a Ford lately?"

Guy just kinda cringes a little, then turns to the guy on his left. "How 'bout you? What's the name of your penis?"

Patron 2: "Tootsie-Pop. Because you have to see how many licks it takes to get to the center. But no biting!" he says coyly.

The man, a tad revolted, thinks for a minute, then finally calls the bartender back over.

Guy: "Gimme a beer."

Bartender: "I told you, first you have to tell me-"

Guy: "Secret. My penis' name is Secret."

The Bartender gets him a beer, and he takes a deep drink. The guy on his left waits for him to finish before asking, "So why is your Penis named Secret?"

The guy knocks back the rest of his drink and gestures for another before answering.

"Because it's strong enough for a man. But made for a woman."

 

[mugsgame]

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge."

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed."

He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.

"How does that feel?" he asks.

"Fucking lovely" she replies, "But the discharge is in my ear!!!!"

 

[mugsgame]

A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland.

She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"

The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"

The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I think I've exceeded the limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it at customs. Could you possibly hide it under your robe while going through customs?"

The priest replied, "I can certainly do that, my child, but you know I cannot lie."

The woman said, "You have such an honest and innocent face, Father. I'm sure they won’t even question you."

She handed the expensive epilator to the priest. As the plane landed and the priest approached the customs, the officer asked, "Father, do you have any items to declare?"

The priest replied, "I have nothing to declare from my head to my belt, my child."

Finding this answer odd, the officer asked, "Well, what about the area below your belt?"

The priest responded, "There's a wonderful little device designed for the use of women. However, it has never been used!"

The customs officer, bursting into laughter, said, "Alright, Father, you can go. Next!"

 

[Pornfan77]

What do you call a man standing on the side of the road dressed all in black with his arm up a horses ass?





Amish mechanic

 

[mugsgame]

I was in a bar having a quiet drink after work and noticed this sad-looking guy 2 seats away ordering shot after shot after shot. I asked him if he was ok and he said he’d just got married that morning.

I immediately congratulated him but asked why was he so sad. After downing another shot he said that after the reception they got back to the hotel and made love for several hours.

I again congratulated him but was still confused to why he was so sad. He said that after a short nap he, out of habit, had got up and put $200 on the bedside table before returning to bed.

I tell him not to worry about anything, as he’ll get used to not having to pay.

He quickly downs 2 more shots and says he’s not worried about mistakenly paying her; he’s worried because she took the money, got dressed and walked out of the room.

 

[12oclocktales]

A generous (!) and very understanding (!!) woman who just had a baby gives her husband 100 dollars to go to a prostitute since she’s unable to have sex yet (!!!). [Where did this guy find this woman, because I want to go look there, too. Wow!]

On his way out of their apartment building he meets the woman who lives downstairs. They get to talking and he tells her what he’s about to do.

She says, “That’s crazy. Why go to a stranger? I’ll do the same thing and even better.”

The wife is surprised to see her husband come back so quickly, but he tells her everything.

“Then give me the 100 dollars back,” she says.

“Oh, I gave it to the woman downstairs after she asked for it.”

“Oh, that greedy little bitch!” the wife hollers. “When she had her second child, didn’t I give her husband the best screwing of his life and not even ask him for a nickel?”

[Where is this apartment building – I want to move there pronto.]

 

[mugsgame]

Two mischievous boys, aged 8 and 10, are known for causing all sorts of trouble in their town. Their mother, hoping to discipline them, asks a preacher to speak to them. The preacher agrees, but he asks to see the boys individually.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sits the younger boy down and asks sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth drops open, he doesn’t respond but sits there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeats the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" The boy lowers his gaze but does not answer.

The preacher raises his voice further, shakes his finger in the boy's face, and bellows, "Where is God?!"

The boy screams and runs directly home and dives into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother finds him in the closet, he asks, "What happened?" “Why are you shaking?”

Gasping for breath, the younger brother replies, "We are in BIG trouble this time....

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"