Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Two Southern belles are walking down a country road.

They are out enjoying a sunset walk and admiring the scenery, when they come across a man taking photographs. The man, being awestruck at the beauty of the two ladies, asks if he can take their picture with the setting sun in the background.

The ladies discuss the idea and eventually agree.

The photographer begins setting up his tripod and adjusting his camera.

The blonde lady asks, "What is he doing?"

The other replies, in a thick Southern drawl, "He's going to focus."

Then the blonde says, "Both of us?"

 

[12oclocktales]

An old maid and a sailor’s parrot are the only two survivors of a shipwreck and have been clinging to a bit of driftwood for days.

“How’s your wrinkled old ass?” croaks the parrot.

“Oh, shut up!” snaps the old maid.

“So’s mine,” says the parrot, “must be this damn salt water.”

 

[mugsgame]

Little johnny is sitting on a bench, eating a massive bag of candy.

An old lady comes up to Johnny, "Are you really going to eat all that?" the lady asks, shocked by the size of the bag.

Johnny replied, "My grandpa did exactly what I am doing now, every day, and he lived to be 104!"

"What, by eating all that candy?" The old lady asks.

"No, by minding his own fucking business!" Johnny replied.

 

[mugsgame]

A little boy named Johnny is going to visit his neighbor's baby who was born with no ears.

"Listen Johnny, you must not mention the baby's ears, or I'll spank you." Johnny's mom explains to him.

They arrive at the neighbor's house, and Johnny asks the neighbor: "So how much does he weigh?"

"He weighs a lot for his age, he's very healthy." The neighbor is excited to have someone so interested in her baby.

"Has he spoke yet?" Johnny asks.

"He's already said Mama. He shouldn't have said that for weeks." The neighbor replies getting even more excited.

"How's his eyesight?" Johnny asks next.

"His eyesight is perfect," the neighbor states.

"Good, cause he's fucked if he needs glasses," Johnny replies.

 

[mugsgame]

Little Johnny and the worm

Little Johnny found a worm and tried to push it into a wormhole. As it kept bending, it wouldn’t go in.

His grandpa was looking on and said: "If you can get the worm into the hole, I’ll give you a dollar!”

Little Johnny thought for a minute before running to the bathroom. He came back with a can of hairspray and sprayed the worm, watching it stiffen. Upon which, Johnny pushed it down the hole.

Grandpa was impressed. The next day, Johnny woke up and outside was Grandpa with a dollar bill and a bike!

Johnny asked: "You owed me a dollar, not a bike?!”

Grandpa replied… "The dollar is from me, the bike is from Grandma!”

 

[12oclocktales]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

“I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “What do you use it for?”

“We use it when we make love,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually, people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But I know that most people do use it for sex. Can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

 

[mugsgame]

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock."

 

[mugsgame]

One Day At School...

The teacher asked the kids to stand and tell the class what their Father does for a living, spell the occupation and let everyone know what your Dad would do if he was here in the classroom. First, came Sue.

She stands up and says, "My Father is a Baker. B-A-K-E-R. And if he were here today, he would bring everyone a cookie".

"Very good", says the teacher. "Now who's next"?

Raspus raises his hand and stands up. With a long, thick southern drawl, he proudly says, "My Pappy is an Electrician. Uh... E-L-I-K-... No, no that's not it. Um... E-L-E-K... uh".

The teacher tells Raspus to have a seat and study his spelling.

Next, Johnny zips right up to the front of the class and with a smirk he says, "My Dad is a Bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E. And if he was here today he would give us 10 to 1 odds that Raspus ain't never gonna spell Electrician."

 

[mugsgame]

The local police chief always said "It could be worse."

Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."

One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they found the front door open, and heard the sound of crying from the kitchen.

The wife was sitting in a blood-drenched negligee at the kitchen table, crying hysterically. The husband was sitting calmly across from her, his hands covered in blood. He sipped a coffee. Bloody footprints led up the stairs to the master bedroom. A naked man was face-up on the bed with a knife protruding from his chest. His clothes were on the floor, and there was $1000 cash sitting on the nightstand.

The investigating officers immediately called for the chief to come to the scene.

"You know what he'll say," said one. "It could have been worse."

A while later the chief arrived along with the crime scene unit and a couple of detectives. The chief winced as he looked at the bloody scene in the bedroom, then walked away shaking his head.

"Well, it could have been worse," he said.

One of the cops, feeling brave, called out to him.

"Chief? I have to ask. How? I mean, a man is dead! His family is destroyed. Mr. Dunwoody found out his wife is a high-priced escort and committed murder, and now the Dunwoodys' kids' lives are ruined . . . how could it possibly have been worse?"

The chief looked at him for a moment.

"Well, for one thing, if this had been yesterday, the dead guy would have been me."

 

[12oclocktales]

Three ducks walk into a bar. The bartender comes up to the first duck and asks, “What’s your name, and how’s it going?”

The first duck says, “My name is Huey, and I’ve been having a great time slipping in and out of puddles all day.”

The bartender asks the same question to the second duck, who says, “My name is Dewey, and I’ve been having a great time slipping in and out of puddles all day, too.”

So the bartender goes to the third duck and says, “Let me guess, your name is Louie, and you’ve been having a great time slipping in and out of puddles all day.”

The third duck says, “No, my name is Puddles, and my day sucked!”

 

[Jodaily]

It's longish, but worth the read . . . .

“Give It To Her”​

It was Father’s Day, and, following family tradition, a father, his son and his grandson went to the local muni for their annual Father’s Day round of golf.

Just as they were about to tee off, the starter waved his arms and said, apologetically, “Gentleman, I’m sure you can appreciate how busy we are today. I’m sorry, but I’m going to need to put a single with your group.”

The three looked at each other and rolled their eyes at one another . . . . then turned around to see who this “fourth” was to be . . . . and their jaws almost hit the tee box.

She was statuesque – a 6 foot beauty. She was buxom, with substantial yet firm boobs straining against the fabric of a golf shirt that appeared a size too small. She had perfect legs and a gorgeous ass presented perfectly by her tight golf skirt.

She also had an absolutely bitchy glower on her face as she marched up to the tee box, her clearly expensive clubs before her in a designer bag and push cart.

“Good morning gentlemen, and happy Father’s Day,” she said, dripping with sarcasm and insincerity. “I’m Tiffany. I’m here to play golf, and I don’t want any of your shit.”

She continued, to the slack-jawed amazement of the tri-generational group and the starter: “I’m serious about my game, and I play alone, for me and for me only. That means I don’t want to hear any jokes about how I can swing around these big tits, or about how someone with such a nice ass is wasting her time on a golf course. You got it?”

She was glaring at the three as she got silent nods of heads.

Grandpa broke the silence. “Yes, we got it. And we’ll respect your wishes, miss Tiffany.”

“OK, then,” said the starter, visibly nervous. “Ummm, lady and gentlemen, the tee is yours.”

“Miss, why don’t you go first?” said Grandpa, gently.

Tiffany nodded, strode to the ladies’ tee, bent over (to the delight of the three, who tried not to look – at least obviously), teed up her ball, and proceeded to stripe it almost 260 yards straight down the fairway.

Now the boys were slack-jawed not because of Tiffany’s flawless face, not because of her stupendous tits or ass or legs, but because they knew they were going to get their asses completely kicked all over the golf course. By a chick. On Father’s Day.

Tiffany went on to par the first hole, and waited patiently while grandpa, son, and grandson sprayed their tee shots, mis-hit their approach shots, and totally fucked up their putts, on the first hole.

To their credit (and to Tiffany’s), no one said or commented on anyone else’s performance. The three guys were clearly missing being able to good-naturedly give each other shit for their mis-hits, slices, duck hooks and other terrible shots from tee to green – but they wanted to respect her wishes. Hell, as difficult as it was not to gawk at her considerable assets, they were avoided looking at her altogether, so fearful they were of inspiring Tiffany’s wrath!

So they gamely marched on, and witnessed golf perfection, as Tiffany hit every fairway, every green in regulation, and one- and two-putted her way to a bogey-free, under-par round.

That is, until the finishing (18th) hole, when Tiffany slightly pulled her approach shot into a deep, greenside bunker.

“Shit!!” she exclaimed, as she and the boys walked up to the green, and Tiffany saw that her ball had been almost completely swallowed up by sand, on the downslope of the bunker. Perhaps the worst possible lie in the bunker, one that would make it near impossible for her to get it up and down.

The guys held their collective breath as they watched Tiffany climb into the bunker, settle into the sand with an unintentional shake of her perfect ass, and blast her ball out onto the green, where it stopped – about 12 feet from the cup.

Tiffany climbed out of the bunker, sighed, and then suddenly smiled at the three guys.

“Gentlemen, first of all, I want to apologize. I’ve been nothing but a complete bitch to you, and probably ruined your Father’s Day together,” she said softly. “And in return, you’ve been perfect gentlemen, allowing me to play my game without the comments and bullshit I get from all these other yahoos out here.”

“Maybe because you have been such gentlemen, I have been able to play the best round of my life,” Tiffany continued. “Never, ever have I played a bogey-free round of golf.”

“Now, here I am, needing a one-putt from what, 12 feet away, to complete a perfect round,” she said, looking at the three with a widening smile. “And you know what? I want this to be a perfect round.”

“So, here’s the deal. I want each of you to give me his read of my putt. And if I follow one of your reads, and my ball drops into the cup . . .,” Tiffany said, followed by a pregnant pause, “I will take the winner out in the woods behind the clubhouse, and give him the best. Blowjob. Of. His. Life.”

For a moment, the only sound came from noisy bluejay in the trees on the one side of the green. It was as if the damn bird was saying, “What’s taking you assholes so long?”

Suddenly the kid sprang into action. He squatted behind Tiffany’s ball, then walked around to the other side of the cup. Looking up at her, he said, “Miss Tiffany, it looks like it’s going to break left. I’d aim about six inches to the right of the cup, and give it a little speed.”

The kid’s father practically pushed his son out of the way as he eyed her ball from behind the cup. “Tiffany, pardon my French, but my son is full of shit, and has never been able to read these greens,” dad said. “It’s clearly going to break ever so slightly to the right, not the left. And it’s a down-hiller. Aim two balls to the left of the cup, and give it a gentle tap.”

Tiffany was processing the son-father’s contradictory advice when Grandpa started walking around the green. He stood behind the cup. He stepped down both sides of the putt. Then he stood over her ball and peered once again at the cup.

“Well, what do you think?” asked Tiffany.

“Hmmm,” replied grandpa as he bent over, picked up her ball and handed it to Tiffany, “I think it’s a gimme.”

Mmmm, you've got me thinking about Lexi, tall and hot, though she needs more tits she has gorgeous legs. I'd love for her to kick my ass around the course. And a trip out in the woods could be fun and messy.

 

[mugsgame]

Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was responsible for scoring most of the points.

Because she was so good at bowling, and because she was such a nice lady, Linda was very popular among her teammates. But there was just one thing about her.

At the end of every single game, Linda said, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." Her teammates found it really annoying. She almost always showed up right on time, but still, she always said, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

The one who was most annoyed by this was Martha. One day, right after her bowling her sixth gutter ball of the day, she decided that she wanted to find out why Linda always said that. She went up to Linda just as she had bowled her eighth strike of the day, when she noticed something that made her forget about the five-minutes-late-thing.

"Linda," she said, "are you bowling left-handed today?"

"That I am."

"I could have sworn you bowled right-handed at our last game!"

"That I did."

For the rest of the game, and for each game over the next few weeks, all that Martha and her teammates could talk about was the hand Linda was using to bowl.

"She's bowling righty today!"

"I remembered she bowled lefty at her first game!"

"Could she be alternating hands?"

"No, I remember last month she bowled three games righty in a row!"

Finally, Martha decided to ask Linda how she decided which hand to bowl with.

"Simple," replied Linda. "I used to be just as bad at bowling as you were. Then I started dating a guy who always slept in the nude, and on his back. Now every morning, when I wake up, I look at my boyfriend. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I bowl lefty. If it's hanging over his right leg, I bowl righty. This may sound strange, but ever since I started this method I've become better at bowling than I've ever been!"

Martha realized that her boyfriend always slept naked on his back, so she decided that she should try this method too. Whenever she woke up and saw her boyfriend's penis hanging over his left leg, she bowled lefty. Whenever she woke up and saw her boyfriend's penis hanging over his right leg, she bowled righty. This method worked surprisingly well. Martha, with her new hand-switching method, now got as many strikes as she had once gotten gutter balls. The team entered a national tournament, and Linda and Martha single-handedly got them to the finals.

On the morning of the finals, Martha woke up and looked at her boyfriend to see which leg his penis was hanging over... but he had an erection. Now she had no way of knowing which hand to bowl with.

When Martha arrived at the bowling alley, she once again asked Linda for help. "What do you do when your boyfriend has an erection?" he asked.

With a sly grin on her face, Linda responded, "Why do you think I always say, 'Next game, I might be five minutes late'?"

 

[mugsgame]

Donate a kidney and they call you a hero...

I tried to donate 6 kidneys and people started asking all kinds of questions and calling me Dexter. Like, who the heck is Dexter?

 

[12oclocktales]

A dad tells his son, “Stop masturbating! If you do it too much, you will go blind!”

The son replies, “Yo, dad, who are you talking to? I’m over here.”

 

[mugsgame]

Life's like a dick

Most of the time, it's smooth, just hanging loose.

Then some woman comes around and makes it hard....

 

[mugsgame]

A couple's young daughter went to college.

After 6 months she happily let them know she was engaged to a student who is studying to be a pastor, and is bringing him home for the holidays.

And after the introductions the father and the boy sat and the father asked: " How old are you?"

Fiance: "19"

Father: "And where are you going to live?"

Fiance: "God will provide."

Father: "And where are you going to get money?"

Fiance: "God will provide."

Later that night the mother asked the father: "What do you think of him?"

And the father: "He seems to be a nice guy, he thinks I am God."

 

[mugsgame]

Little Johnny wakes up in the hospital after having his appendix taken out only to find out he has messed the bed while under anesthesia. Thankfully no one else was in the room and he starts worrying people will laugh at him so he comes up with a plan.

He jumps out of bed, takes his soil bed clothes off, throws them on the bed, wraps the sheets up around everything, opens the window and throws it out.

There are two guys sitting below his room having a smoke and all of a sudden this ball of soiled sheets lands on him. He fights and struggles to get them off himself and finally throws it all to the ground.

His buddy looks over to him and asks what happened.

"I'm not sure man but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

 

[mugsgame]

A blonde woman, who is feeling depressed, decides to end her life.

The woman's husband sees her about to shoot herself, and begs her, "Please! Don't do it!"

The woman glares at her husband and says, "Shut up! You're next!"

 

[12oclocktales]

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, entertain, sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship . . . and then do it again.



HOW TO SATISFY A MAN
Show up naked . . . and bring beer.

 

[Wetsider]

How does The Rock take a piss?

He Dwaynes his Johnson!

*Insert eye roll*

 

[Wetsider]

Oh c'mon @MrMikelobe1952 it wasn't THAT bad.

 

[Britva415]

Oh c'mon @MrMikelobe1952 it wasn't THAT bad.

There was a literacy program in Mike Tyson's prison while he was inside. He took advantage. Why not?

The exercise one day was about new words. "Can you read this word?"
Mike: "Ditch."

"How about that one?"
"Dictate."

"Can you use them in a sentence?"
"Yeah, ditch! How's dat dictate!"

 

[mugsgame]

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”

And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

“No. I’m Swedish.”

 

[mugsgame]

Blonde Kathy's New Job

After a long stint in prison, Kathy managed to secure herself a job at a candy shop

She arrived on the first day wearing a proper yet practical dress. However, her first day was set to be retrieving candy at the front register

The first customer came, looked at the candy, and asked for licorice. This was on the top shelf, so Kathy had to climb up and down the ladder to get it

The second customer came, checked the candy shelf, and asked for peppermint. These were also on the top shelf, so Kathy had to climb up and down the ladder again

The following customers all also wanted the top-shelf candy, forcing Kathy to spend all day going up and down the ladder

At the end of the day Kathy went to the owner, George, to ask a question: "Hey so, may I ask, why is all the popular candy on the top shelf?"

George looked her up and down. "I, uh, don't think it's the candy. They, uh, might have wanted to see your undergarments"

"Huh.. Well joke's on them: I don't even wear panties!"

 

[mugsgame]

Pigs

(Kinda sad, really dark.)

Grandma pig is growing old. She doesn’t want to worry her grandchildren, so she makes something up for the parents.

The kids watch as Grandma is taken away.

“Where is grandma going?” asks a pig.

“Grandma is sick. They’re gonna help her. You won’t see her again for a long time though.” Dad replies.

A week later, the piglets see Grandma’s body being taken to the farmhouse.

“Dad! Dad! They’re taking away Grandma! Isn’t she still sick?”

Dad thinks and replies,

“She’s all better now. I might even say she’s cured.”