Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[Britva415]

Blonde Kathy's New Job

After a long stint in prison, Kathy managed to secure herself a job at a candy shop

She arrived on the first day wearing a proper yet practical dress. However, her first day was set to be retrieving candy at the front register

The first customer came, looked at the candy, and asked for licorice. This was on the top shelf, so Kathy had to climb up and down the ladder to get it

The second customer came, checked the candy shelf, and asked for peppermint. These were also on the top shelf, so Kathy had to climb up and down the ladder again

The following customers all also wanted the top-shelf candy, forcing Kathy to spend all day going up and down the ladder

At the end of the day Kathy went to the owner, George, to ask a question: "Hey so, may I ask, why is all the popular candy on the top shelf?"

George looked her up and down. "I, uh, don't think it's the candy. They, uh, might have wanted to see your undergarments"

"Huh.. Well joke's on them: I don't even wear panties!"

Why did she have to be in prison?

 

[12oclocktales]

I asked my wife, “Why did you marry me?”

She says, “Because you are funny.”

I reply, “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She looks at me and says, “You see? You’re hilarious.”

 

[mugsgame]

Daughter asks her Mother for some advice...

"My boyfriend has asked me to give him a hand job" she says "But I have no idea how to do it?"

"It's pretty easy" her Mother replied "Just pretend you're shaking a bottle of sauce."

Later that evening, her boyfriend begged her to give him a hand job. "No problem" she said, so he unzipped his pants and she takes a firm hold of his cock. Then she repeatedly smashed his knob as hard as she could with the palm of her other hand.

 

[mugsgame]

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

Then she said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

 

[12oclocktales]

A husband and wife are having an argument within earshot of one of their children. The husband tries to come over to her and kiss and make up, but she screams at him, “Don’t touch me! All I am to you is a fucking cunt!”

“Please, dear,” says the husband, “I wish you wouldn’t say ‘fucking cunt’ in front of the C-H-I-L-D.”

 

[mugsgame]

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a joint?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a bag of joints.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "OMG! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?"

 

[mugsgame]

"I want you to have this," said the husband to his wife, handing her a gold bracelet with an engraved medallion. "It belonged to my mother."

"Oh honey, thank you!" she said, smiling and putting on the bracelet. "It's a beautiful bracelet and a beautiful gesture."

As she moved her arm around admiring it from various angles, her smile turned into a frown, and then a full-on glare.

She rounded on her husband, and yelled, "You asshole! It says "Do not resuscitate!"

 

[mugsgame]

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You.”

 

[mugsgame]

A Farmer hears a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I like your style. I'll put you to work."

So the man does a few chores around the farm and earns his meal. At dinner, he says to the farmer, "I know you don't believe me, but I actually do communicate with animals. I can prove it. I spoke to the hens, and they said you were there every morning before dawn to collect their eggs, and you've been doing so every day for years since your wife passed."

The farmer says, "Wow, that's exactly right!"

The man continues, "I spoke to your cow, and she said you've faithfully milked her every day before dawn, and you've been doing so every day for years since your wife passed."

The farmer says, "I'm amazed. That's true."

The man says, "And I spoke to your sheep..."

"That sheep is a liar!"

 

[mugsgame]

A police officer, on his nightly patrol, sees a blonde woman staring at the sidewalk and wandering in circles.

He walks over to her and says, "Can I help you?"

"I lost an earring," she replies, showing him the other one.

After helping her look for twenty minutes, he asks, "Are you sure you lost it here?"

"No, I was near 5th and Main when I noticed it missing."

He stared at her for a moment, confused. "That's three blocks away. Why are you looking here?"

Without looking up, she replied, "Because the lighting is better."

 

[12oclocktales]

A cleaning woman new to the job accidentally uses an explosive fluid to clean the public toilet with. A guy goes to urinate in the toilet after she’s done and throws a lit cigarette into the bowl while peeing. There’s a tremendous explosion, after which the cleaning woman rushes back into the restroom and finds the guy lying on the floor covered in blood.

“My God!” she yells. “Where’s your ear, it’s missing.”

“Fuck my ear,” he says. “Find my right arm. It’s got my prick in it!”

 

[mugsgame]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'

The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

 

[12oclocktales]

Paul Bunyan notices a beautiful girl sunbathing in the nude on the other side of the Grand Canyon. His cock becomes erect and he is able to stretch it from rim to rim.

“Come on across!” he yells to her.

Eagerly she is about to do so, and then stops suddenly. “But afterwards,” she asks herself, “how will I ever get back again?”

 

[mugsgame]

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner.

She suggested, "How about one of those places where they make your food right in front of you?"

So I took her to Subway.

And that's how the fight started.

 

[CLK5002005]

Just think if the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we’d all be getting a piece of ass tomorrow night

 

[Britva415]

Just think if the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we’d all be getting a piece of ass tomorrow night

I know it's already tomorrow in Australia, but even then, tomorrow's not Thursday

 

[mugsgame]

An old man and old woman are sitting on a park bench.

The old woman says to the old man: "I bet I can guess how old you are."

The old man says: "Sure, give it a shot."

So the old woman reaches over, unzips the old man's pants, feels around for awhile, pulls her hand out and says: "You're 87 years old."

The old man is stunned. He says: "That's amazing! You're right! How did you do that?"

The old woman says: "You told me yesterday."

 

[mugsgame]

So I worked late last night, and when I left I detoured 2 blocks to buy a newspaper.

While walking to my car, a young lady was coming the other way and as we were passing, she said,,“You look a little lonely. Want some company?”

Now this was no tenderloin district, so I was surprised and asked if I could help her.

She said, “Listen fella, I’m a prostitute.”

And dumb me told her I was a married man.

Then she told me she could “Do some thing’s my wife had never done.“

So I took her home and had her iron every shirt I own.

 

[mugsgame]

A child was talking to his grandpa...

Kid: "Grandpa, can you give that bucket over there a kick?"

Grandpa: "Yes I can ! But why are you asking?"

Kid: "Because dad told me that we're gonna be rich when you kick the bucket."

 

[ShandyLeer]

A woman decides to earn some extra cash by charging for her “services”.

She decides to advertise and offers the works for $200 (it’s a while ago now) but, averse as she is to long awkward conversations about what customers want, she offers a “special” where she’ll do anything for $100 provided the client can summarise what he wants in 3 words.

The first guy rocks up, a young fella, and when the woman asks if he’s interested in the “special” he nods shyly and says “please be gentle”.

An hour later he leaves happy and satisfied.

The next day, right on time, the second booking arrives, and after brief “hellos” he’s asked the same question about the “special”. A more experienced guy, he says confidently “blow my mind”.

The woman leads him upstairs and an hour later he emerges happy as Larry.

The third booking arrives the following day, a Rabbi, and following some easy small talk the woman asks him if he’s interested in the “special”.

”Oh yes”, says the Rabbi, “very much ma’am”.

”And what’s your request?“ asks the woman, starting to climb the stairs.

”Paint my house”.

 

[Soma99]

Stolen from Instagram:

Whats the difference between a misquito and myself?

When you slap my ass I keep sucking.

 

[12oclocktales]

One Thanksgiving morning, a farmer walks into his house with a turkey under his arm.

“This is the pig I’ve been sleeping with,” he says.

“That’s a turkey,” his wife says.

The man answers, “I wasn’t talking to you."

 

[CarlyAnn]

One Thanksgiving morning, a farmer walks into his house with a turkey under his arm.

“This is the pig I’ve been sleeping with,” he says.

“That’s a turkey,” his wife says.

The man answers, “I wasn’t talking to you."

 

[mugsgame]

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten bastard," says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!"

 

[willlph]

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner.

She suggested, "How about one of those places where they make your food right in front of you?"

So I took her to Subway.

And that's how the fight started.

Restaurant in south Alabama close to
Montgomery
View attachment 2291845