Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

Fruits & Trees: Human Anatomy

A family of four were having a discussion about the human anatomy.

Son: "Dad, how many kind of boobs are there?"

Dad surprised says: Well son, a women goes through three phases. In her 20s, they're round and firm like melons. In her 30s and 40s, they're like pears, still nice and hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.

Son: "Onions?"

Dad: "Yes. After seeing them, they'll make you cry!"

This Infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks mom: "How many kinds of willies are there?"

Mom replies with a smile: "Well dear, there are three phases men also go through. In their 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In their 30s and 40s, they're like birch, flexible and reliable. After their 50s, they're like a Christmas trees."

Daughter: "A Christmas tree?"

Mom: "Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!"

 

[mugsgame]

A small town doctor was renowned for his accuracy on predicting the sex of a child early in the pregnancy. When he was retiring, they asked him how he always got it right.

He laughed and said, "I would tell the mother my prediction, and then immediately write down the opposite sex in my notes."

"If I was correct, they would always tell me that I nailed it; if I was incorrect, they would chastise me, and I would then show them the note and say they were mistaken, see, it's here in my notes."

 

[mugsgame]

Two kids at school were arguing with each other about which of their parents was better.

"My dad is stronger than yours," said the first.

"No, my dad is stronger," said the second.

"My dad can lift his truck," replied the first.

"Well, my dad can lift my house," retorted the second.

"Well, my mom is better than yours," the first said.

The second replied, "Yeah, that's what my dad says too."

 

[mugsgame]

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money said to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer, "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge!"

"I see, good to know," said his client. Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said his client.

"What?? You did?" asked the shocked lawyer.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said his lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

 

[mugsgame]

My sex life with my ex was like the McDonald's Ice Cream Machine...

No matter how excited you were to get a treat, no matter how much he advertised...It was always out of order and never worked...

 

[mugsgame]

A little girl wanted to take her dog for a walk around the block...

...so she asked her mother.

Her mother said, "No, sweetie, she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked the girl.

"Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?" her busy mother replied.

So the girl went to her father in the garage and asked him, "I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she's in heat and to ask you about it."

Her father took a clean rag, poured some 2-stroke lawnmower fuel on it, then gently rubbed the dog's tail and butt with it to disguise the scent.

"Now you can take her for a walk," he said, "Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine."

The little girl skipped happily away with Lulu trotting along beside her. A few minutes later she returned with an empty leash, and no dog.

Concerned, her dad asked, "Where’s Lulu, sweetie?"

"She ran out of gas halfway around the block," his daughter told him, "So the neighbor's dog is giving her a push home."

 

[mugsgame]

Wife: "I just don’t understand why men look at other people’s wives instead of their own!"

Husband: "Well, people never acknowledge their OWN mistakes."

 

[Shady_nz]

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband,
in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen a twenty euro note
all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty euro note.
He took the crumpled twenty euro note from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him,
"Have you ever seen fifty euros all
crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an
anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her stocking and pulled out a crumpled fifty euro note.
He took the crumpled fifty euro note and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen fifty thousand euros all crumpled up??"
He said, "No!," trying to contain his excitement.

She said, "Check the car in the garage."

 

[mugsgame]

Our new neighbor Brian, kisses his wife goodbye, every time he leaves for work. My wife is pissed because i never do that.

So I kissed Brian's wife and my wife filed for a divorce out of nowhere.

 

[Shady_nz]

A husband came home from work, stormed into the kitchen, and declared, “From now on, I’m the man of this house and my word is law! You’ll cook me a gourmet meal, serve me dessert, and after dinner, we’re going upstairs to have the kind of night in the bedroom I want. Then you’ll draw me a bath, wash my back, dry me off, bring me my robe, massage my feet… and here's the best bit - tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife looked up and replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”

 

[mugsgame]

Doctor’s advice for premature ejaculation didn’t go as planned...

Guy goes to the doctor and says: “Doc, I’ve got a problem. I finish way too fast during sex. I can't enjoy it at all.”

The doctor nods and says, “Okay… take this starter pistol.”

“A pistol?!”

“It's just a blank-firing gun. Every time you feel like you're about to finish, shoot it. The loud sound will startle you and delay the climax.”

“Worth a try,” the guy says and leaves.

The next day he comes back, limping and visibly upset. The doctor asks, “So, how did it go?”

“Horrible!” he replies. “Last night I was doing 69 with my girlfriend. Just when I was about to finish, I fired the gun.”

“And?”

“Well... First, she shit herself from the shock. Second, she bit me… hard. And third… some dude jumped out of the closet with his hands in the air!”

 

[mugsgame]

At the hospital…

A blonde runs inside an emergency room screaming in panic: “Doctor, doctor, how is he?”

The doctor says: “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news… He’s suffered a massive heart attack, three fractured ribs and a brain concussion.”

So the blonde asks: “Doctor, can I speak to him?”

The doctor says: “Absolutely not. His condition is unstable, but if you have something to tell him, I can pass it on.”

The blonde says: “Ok, can you just ask him if I passed my driving test?”

 

[Shady_nz]

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle." The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's fucked, you might as well gan fishing."

 

[mugsgame]

A guy wanted a chaste woman and a virgin

A guy wanted a chaste woman and a virgin. So he went looking for one such. To test this, he would lower his pants and show his penis. Than he would ask:

"What is this?"

"Dick"

If the girl knew, that would mean she was too experienced and not chaste. So he was looking for a chaste woman in many places, but the answer was always "Dick", "dick", "dick".

He decided to look further, so he went somewhere completely desert of people. There he met a gorgeous innocent looking young girl.

"What is this?"

"I don't know" she answered

This was it. So they got married. On the first wedding night, he lowers his pants.

"Do you know what this is?"

"I don't know" the girl responded.

"It's dick."

"Really? I have never seen such a tiny dick before."

 

[Shady_nz]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.!!

 

[Chernosoth]

I would mop, but floors are beneath me.

 

[Shady_nz]

Betty goes to the cemetery every day in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her late husband, Harry.
When she was finished, she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.
One day her friend asked,
“Betty, why do you always walk backwards out of the cemetery?”
Betty replied,
“When Harry was alive, he used to say, You’ve got such a great bottom, it could bring a dead man back to life!’”

“I’m not taking any chances!”

 

[Shady_nz]

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the Grandmas called out, “Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!”

The old man replied, “There’s no way you can guess my age!”

One of the Grandmas said, “Sure, we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts, and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed but eager to prove them wrong, he dropped his drawers.
They asked him to turn around a few times and jump up and down. Determined, he did exactly that.

Then all three shouted in unison, “You're 87 years old!”

Standing there stunned, with his pants around his ankles, he asked, “How in the world did you guess my age?”

Slapping their knees, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear, the Grandmas said…

“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

 

[mugsgame]

A man is driving when he sees a hitchhiker on the side of the road...

A man is driving in the early morning hours when he sees a hitchhiker at the side of the road, standing next to a suitcase, holding a bottle of rum.

The driver stops his car and rolls down the window, and asks "Hey buddy, do you need a lift?"

The hitchhiker limps to the car, his eyes are red with tears.

He says "Oh my god, thank you so much. I've had the worst week of my life. I went to South America on a safari for my friend's bachelor party. One night we we're camping in the jungle, sitting around a fire drinking the local rum. And this rum is incredibly strong, so after 3 or 4 shots we're all completely hammered.

All of a sudden, a female monkey comes and sits right next to us. And my friends dare me to give her the rum, and I'm pretty drunk so I do.

The monkey takes a swig of the rum and puts her hand down my trousers and starts jerking me off. Then she takes another swig of rum and starts blowing me! Then she takes another swig of rum and climbs on top of me, and starts riding me reverse cowgirl. My friends all find this hilarious and start taking photos and videos and cheering me on. And I'm pretty drunk so I end up having sex with the monkey in a bunch of different positions. Me on top of the monkey, the monkey on top of me, side by side, wheelbarrow. At one point we were 69ing, and I came harder than I've ever cum before. I was so exhausted I passed out.

The next morning I wake up and find my penis is covered in massive green warts, and when I try to pop them, bright orange liquid comes out. I freaked out and took an early flight back home. But the smell from my penis is so bad that no taxi driver wants to take me. So I tried walking up the highway but my penis hurts too much to walk."

The hitchhiker stops talking to adjust his trousers, his eyes welling with tears. The driver says "That's terrible, you're obviously in pain. Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"

The hitchhiker says "Actually I still have some rum left. Can you drop me off at the zoo?"

 

[mugsgame]

A man went into a large department store.

He nervously walked up to the woman behind the counter of the ladies lingerie section, and with a soft voice, said to her, "Excuse me madam, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"Certainly sir. What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquired the man, not understanding what she meant. "There's more than one?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed him a range of bras in every shape, size color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four main styles of bras to choose from," she said, "The cop, the soldier, the judge or the lawyer. Which would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "Well it's quite simple. The cop serves and protects, the soldier defends against foreign invasion, the judge makes sure everything is equal and balanced; while the lawyer blows everything out of proportion, giving a false sense of security."

 

[mugsgame]

A husband and wife were married for 25 years.

They were famous for fighting constantly, and generally disliking each other.

On their 26th wedding anniversary the husband had a heart attack and died. A few days later his widowed wife walked into the local newspaper's office and asked to post an obituary.

The Ad editor informed her, "We can do 4 lines with a maximum of 80 words for $100."

"Nah." she said, "That's a a lot of money and he didn't do much. What else you got?"

"OK," said the editor awkwardly, "We can do 3 lines and a maximum of 25 words for $35."

"Nope, still too expensive..." she grimaced, "What else you got?"

Flustered, the editor wanted to get her out the door quickly so he told her, "We have the economy option - 2 lines, 5 words max, $5."

She agreed to that, so he filled out the order and asked, "OK madam, what do you want it to say?"

She thought for a moment, then responded: "Husband dead. Car for sale."

 

[mugsgame]

My wife says I ruined her birthday.

Which is impossible! I didn't even know it was her birthday.

 

[mortis]

Son; Hey Dad what’s in that nice beer mug on the mantle?

Dad; That is your uncle Franks ashes. He wanted to be put into that beer stein and said everyone would laugh. Never figured out why.

Son; hmmm may because it’s Frank in Stein.

 

[mugsgame]

Bus driver and Priest died. What happened next?

A bus driver and a priest die, coincidentally at the same moment, independent from each other. They arrive together at Heaven’s Door.

St. Peter says: ‘Okay guys, let me get your details’. After he finds the data he says: ‘Yep, I see it, you both lived a good life. Both of you can enter.’

And then to the priest: ‘Okay, for you we have a seat at the back of the room, row 954, seat 231.’

And speaking to the bus driver: ‘And for you sir, a seat on the front row, first class seat, center stage.’

The priest is first surprised and then indignant, and says: ‘Hey Peter, what is this? I’m a priest, I was a permanent employee of the Firm, always loyal to the business, and now I have to sit at the back, and he, who was only a bus driver, gets a first class seat?! That feels very unfair… Are you sure?’

‘Yep, 100%’, Peter answers. ‘You see, during your preaches most people felt asleep. But he (pointing at the driver), on the contrary, while driving, made many, many people pray as if their lives depended on it!’

 

[mugsgame]

Suzie Smith went to church

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "And every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum ”