Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

A tourist rents a room in a small village hotel and asks the owner

"Is there something I could eat?"

"Yes, the hotel restaurant is open till 9:00."

"Can you also arrange sex worker services?"

"Yes, of course, Brenda is available for $50."

"How about male sex worker?"

"We can offer that too. Brian is available for $500."

"Why is Brian 10 times the price of Brenda?"

"Well, I am not particularly fond of such practices, so I take $100 for myself. The village priest, obviously, isn't fond of such practices, so he gets $100, and village mayor is a conservative and as such isn't particularly fond of them, so he gets $100."

"Does that mean Brian gets $200?"

"Nah, those $200 goes to John and Steve who will hold Brian down, because, you see, Brian also is not particularly fond of such practices."

 

[mugsgame]

My wife told me to put 3 inches of peanut oil in a pan.

After I put an inch and a half in, she said "That's enough."

I told her she should know what 3 inches looks like by now.

 

[mugsgame]

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help!” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

 

[mugsgame]

A man asked his wife if she would get remarried.

“If I died tomorrow, would you get remarried?” he asked

“Well, I am still young and I don’t want to live alone, so I probably would.” she replied softly

“Would you stay in this house?” he asked

“I guess I would, since it’s nice and I really like it!” she replied.

“Would you let him drive my truck?” he asked

“It’s useful where we live and I get a kick out of driving it myself,” she replied with a laugh

“But would you let him use my golf clubs” he asked

“No, he’s left handed”

 

[Britva415]

those $200 goes to John and Steve who will hold Brian down, because, you see, Brian also is not particularly fond of such practices."

That's the Norm MacDonald/Andy Richter joke

 

[mugsgame]

Two neighbors, both elderly gentlemen, are having coffee one morning.

"You should put up heavier curtains in your bedroom," one man says. "I could see you making love to your wife last night."

"That shows how good your eyesight is," says the other with a laugh. "I wasn't even home last night!"

 

[mugsgame]

So late one night a priest was showering and noticed there was no soap left so he ran to get a couple bars of soap when he heard 3 nuns walking toward him so he froze holding the two bars of soap.

The first nun says "I never noticed this statue before" and reached out and tugged his junk and he was so surprised he dropped a bar of soap.

The 2nd nun said "Oh it's a soap dispenser" so the 2nd nun tugged his junk he dropped the other bar.

The 3rd nun tugged once nothing happens so she tugs it again nothing, so she tries a few more times then says "Oh wow it dispenses liquid soap as well."

 

[mugsgame]

My sex life is unbelievable.

My sex life is unbelievable. Whenever I tell people I have a sex life, they don’t believe me.

 

[Shady_nz]

A Texas farmer went on vacation to Australia. He met up with an Australian farmer who prouldly showed off his wheat field.
"That's nothing" said the Texan. "Back home, we have wheat fields that are twice as large as this."
Next the Australian pointed out his cattle.
"They're nothing," said the Texan. "Back home, we have longhorns that are twice as big as your cows."
Just then, half a dozen kangaroos bounded across the road.
"What are those?" asked the Texan.
The Australian replied, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"

 

[Shady_nz]

Susie is a prostitute who doesn't want her gran to know. One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.The gran walks past & sees her.Quick thinking Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges, so her gran joins the queue. When the Police get to gran, they're surprised & ask her 'How, do u do it at your age?'she replies ,I take my teeth out, peel back the skin & suck 'em until they're dry.

 

[DynamicFigure]

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, “Give me a Chapstick and put it on my bill.“

 

[Shady_nz]

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer.
One of the guys remarks to the other,
"Boy, you look tired!"
His friend replies,
"Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants to make love all the time - three, four, sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I don't know what to do!"

An old gentleman in his seventies, sitting a few bar stools down, overhears their conversation.
He looked over at the two men and, showing the wisdom of his age, says,
"Marry her, that'll put an end to that nonsense!"

 

[mugsgame]

Wedding night boasts

Three guys, just married, were waiting in the bar while their brides went to their rooms to change for the night.

The chitchat got more and more risqué until they decided to have a bet on who could do it most times that night.

A hundred dollars each were at stake, and honesty was expected.

The next morning, after breakfast, the three meet up in private. The first one said, "I managed thrice."

The second one said, "Four, but I was struggling at the last one. I'd have stopped at three but for the bet."

The third one smirked, "12! Pay up."

The other two were disbelieving. "How on earth did you manage 12?"

"Easy," said the third. "I'll show you." He stood up, started moving his hips back and forth, counting "One, two, three....."

 

[mugsgame]

On their wedding night, the groom asks his new bride, "Honey, am I your first?"

She replied, "Why does everyone ask me that??"

 

[mugsgame]

An elderly gentleman goes into the unemployment office.

Believing he is too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt revealing the grey hair on his chest, so they accept that as proof.

He goes home to his wife, shows her the cheque, and explains to her what has happened.

She replies, "Well go back there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

 

[mugsgame]

One night, a priest is talking to god in his dreams...

The priest asks god, "dear lord, what is a thousand years for you"?

God answers, "My son, for me it's just one minute."

The priest asks him, "And what is a million dollars for you??"

God answers, "Oh, that's just a few cents."

The priest asks, "Dear god, will you gift me a few cents?"

And god says: "Sure, my son. Wait a minute."

 

[Shady_nz]

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland .
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "We had him circumcised!"

 

[mugsgame]

Go on my son

A man went to church to confess his sins to a priest…

He said, father I have sinned and I wish to confess.

Go on my son, go on my son…

About 2 weeks ago I was walking in the neighborhood and my neighbor said that her fridge was broken and asked if I could please come in and fix it. So I went inside and started fixing the fridge and it started to rain heavily. By the time the fridge was fixed, it was still raining, so she said you can’t go out in this rain! come have some tea and let’s talk. So we had tea and one thing led to another and… I fucked her!

Go on my son, go on my son…

Then last week I was in another neighborhood and a woman said her oven wasn’t working and if I could please help her fix it. So I went inside and started fixing the oven and it started to rain again. Once I fixed the oven it was still raining so she said you can’t go out in this rain come have some food with me. So we ate and one thing led to another and… I fucked her!

Go on my son, go on my son…

Just yesterday I was driving my car and it started to break down. Luckily, I was near a garage so I pulled in and the mechanic was an old friend from highschool! He started fixing my car and it started to rain again. Once he fixed my car the rain was still pouring down so he said come let’s have some vodka and reminisce on old memories. So we drank and got very drunk and one thing led to another and… I fucked him! Father what should I do?

The priest said “Get the hell out of here before it starts to rain!”

 

[mugsgame]

Two economists are walking in a forest when they come across a pile of shit.

The first economist says to the second, “I’ll pay you $1000 to eat that pile of shit.”

The second economist takes the $1000 and eats the pile of shit.

They continue walking until they come across a second pile of shit.

The second economist says to the first, “I’ll pay you $1000 to eat that pile of shit.”

The first economist takes the $1000 and eats it.

After walking a bit more, the first economist says: “You know, I gave you $1000 to eat shit, then you gave me back the same $1000 to eat shit. I can't help but feel like we both just ate shit for nothing.”

“That's not true,” the second economist replies, “We increased the GDP by $2000!”

 

[mugsgame]

I only have one word for women who look at me like I'm just some sort of sex object.

Hi!

 

[mugsgame]

When I have sex with my wife it's like magic. When I get in the bed she disappears.

You know, the other night she met me at the front door wearing see through negligee. The trouble was she was coming home.

I went to the bar. I told the bartender to surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife!

I tell ya when my wife has sex she screams! Wooah. Especially when I walk in on her.

Last time I had sex with my wife it was terrible. Nothing was happening. I turned to her and said "What's the matter? Can't you think of anyone either?"

I know my wife cheats on me. Every time I come home the parrot says "Quick! Out the window."

You know my sex life is slowed right down. My wife has cut me down to once a month. Once a month! I'm lucky though. There's two guys I know she's cut off completely.

I made a deal with my wife. We only smoke after sex. It's been great for my health. I'm still on the pack I bought in 1975.

What bothers me though is my wife. She's up to three packs a day.

Rodney Dangerfield was a master.

 

[Shady_nz]

Two women were playing golf ️. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball flew directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball struck one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands over his groin, dropped to the ground, and rolled around in agony.

The woman rushed over and said, “I’m so sorry! Please let me help -I'm a physical therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you’ll let me.”

The man replied, “Oh no, I’ll be fine in a few minutes.”
But he was clearly in agony, curled up in the fetal position and still holding his groin.

At her insistence, he finally agreed. She gently moved his hands aside, loosened his pants, and placed her hands inside. She administered a tender and expert massage for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied, “It feels great… but I still think my thumb’s broken.” ️

 

[mugsgame]

A teacher asks the class to bring in some family items to talk about with everyone.

The first kid brings in a pair of ice skates that belong to his mom. The teacher asks: "What did she have to say about them?" and the kid says that she did competitive ice skating when she was younger, she was very good and won some awards.

The second kid brings in a pair of football cleats that belong to his dad. The teacher asks: "What did he have to say about them?" and the kid says that his dad went to college on a scholarship as quarterback and that paid for his studies in full.

The third kid shows up with an oxygen mask that belongs to his grandpa. The teacher asks: "What did he have to say about it?" "DON'T TAKE IT OFF! DON'T TAKE IT OFF!"

 

[mugsgame]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."

"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

 

[mugsgame]

Two blondes are hiking in the woods when they came across some tracks.

One said they were deer tracks, the other was sure they were bear tracks.

They were still debating the issue when the train hit them.