Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

I had a job interview yesterday and the interviewer noted that my resume mentioned I was very quick at mental arithmetic.

"So what's nineteen times seventeen?" he asked.

I replied immediately, "Thirty-four."

"Um… that's not right," he said.

"True, but it was very quick!"

 

[ccs29745]

Two blondes are hiking in the woods when they came across some tracks.

One said they were deer tracks, the other was sure they were bear tracks.

They were still debating the issue when the train hit them.

Damn

 

[Shady_nz]

A blonde spots a stunning stallion and instantly decides she has to ride it.
She may not have any riding experience, but she’s determined to give it a try!

She climbs onto the horse’s back and soon finds herself galloping through a lush green meadow , wind in her hair - the freedom is exhilarating!

But then the horse picks up speed... and her lack of experience starts to show.
She’s barely hanging on, flailing, head just inches from the ground!

In a panic, she screams for help...
And then - calmly - Frank, the Walmart greeter, strolls over, takes one look, and unplugs the ride.

 

[mugsgame]

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.

One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.

The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.

The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

 

[mugsgame]

A nun rides in a train.

A lady enters and sits next to her, wearing a beautiful fur coat.

Nun: What a beautiful coat! How much did it cost you?

Woman: That? A night of love.

Then, she takes off her gloves. A beautiful ring with an emerald sits on her finger.

Nun: My, how much did that ring cost you?

Woman: Three nights of love.

Then, she takes off her coat. The nun sees a beautiful diamond necklace.

Nun: Oh, my! How much did that beauty cost?

Woman: Ten nights of love.

Evening. The nun is back at the convent, sitting in her room. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.

Nun: Who's there?

Male Voice: It's me, Brother Andre.

Nun: Shove off, Brother, both you and those lollipops of yours!

 

[mugsgame]

An 82-year-old tells his doctor: 'I'm getting married again next week.'

The doctor says, 'Well, congratulations—how old is the lucky bride?'

'18, doctor.'

The doctor is shocked: 'I must warn you—too much sexual activity at this age can be fatal!'

The man replies, 'Well, if she dies, she dies!'

 

[mugsgame]

Two beggars set up on the sidewalk in front of New Delhi's international airport.

One of the beggars, an Indian man, sees the other beggar and says: "Hello, I've never seen you here before. May I ask where you're from?"

"I am from Pakistan", said the man. "I'm visiting some friends here and I am returning home by plane later tonight."

"Is that so", said the Indian man. "I know our two countries have had their differences recently but I can assure you I have nothing against you, and wish you a safe journey."

Both men had with them a cardboard sign and a basket for their donations.

"I'll give you some advice." said the Indian man, "You have to be creative with the wording on your sign. You have to appeal to people's emotions. Here I'll show you what mine says:"

The Indian man's sign read: 'RECENTLY UNEMPLOYED, IN HUGE DEBT, SUPPORTING DISABLED WIFE AND THREE CHILDREN'.

"Thank you for advice", said the Pakistani man. "I do have a similar sign."

At the end of the day the Indian man looked at his basket of donations. He counted 1,700 Rupees (20 US Dollars). He said to the Pakistani man: "This is a decent day's takings. How well did you do?"

The Pakistani man showed him his overflowing basket which contained over 100,000 Rupees (1,200 US Dollars).

Looking astonished, the Indian man exclaimed: "What on earth did you put on your sign?"

The Pakistani man held up his sign which read: "JUST NEED ANOTHER 1,000 RUPEES TO GET BACK TO PAKISTAN."

 

[mugsgame]

Bereavement on the Farm

Farmer Joe appears at the local police station with tears in his eyes and reports that he found his donkey dead in the stable this morning.

The police officer asks whether there are any signs of a crime.

Farmer Joe honestly replies that the donkey was old and sick, and after some suffering, he finally passed away.

The policeman is puzzled and asks why Joe has come to the police station.

The farmer replies, "Well, I just wanted to inform the next of kin."

 

[mugsgame]

Grandad

A little girl was usually driven to school by her grandad but one day he was ill so her grandma took her instead. That evening her parents asked her how the journey was.

“It was very different”, she said.

“How's that”, they asked.

“Well”, she said, “During the whole journey we didn't see a single tosser, blind idiot, stupid bastard or wanker”.

 

[JackStayII]

A male and female blue whale was swimming along one day when the male saw a whaling ship. He was able to identify it as the one that had killed his father. He told the female, "Let's swim under it and exhale all our air directly under it and make it capsize and sink.

They both did this and was rewarded when they saw the vessel capsize and sink. Then the male saw all the seaman swimming away from the stricken vessel. He told the female, "Let's swim through them and swallow all of them."

The female wouldn't do it. She firmly told the male, "I agreed to the blow job, but I am not swallowing any seaman."

 

[Papi34]

I met a Jewish girl last night. She gave me her number. I said, we go by names now

 

[Dom70]

Damn

naaah...DAM is what a blind fish says when it hits a wall in the lake.

 

[Shady_nz]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

 

[Shady_nz]

A women wanted to spice up her dead sex-life, she puts on her new panties, together with a short skirt
and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At a strategic moment, she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Yes, yes"" she coos, so excited and with a cunningly seductive smile.
"Thank God!” he replies, “I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot!!

 

[Qky75]

Luigi and Gino sat atop the hill looking over the village below.

Luigi sighs and points to the lemon orchard, "see those trees? I planted those. But do they call me Luigi the planter? No!"

"And these houses, I build the houses Gino....but am I called Luigi the builder? No!"

Gino looked at his friend and lamented, " but you fuck one goat......"

 

[eric_erosfan]

A mom, dad and their young son go to a nude beach.
"Mommy, mommy why is that man's penis so much bigger than Daddy's?"
"The bigger the penis, the dumber the man." the mom explained.
"Mommy, mommy why is that lady's boobs so much bigger than yours?"
"The bigger the boobs the dumber the girl." the mom explained.
Later the mom was lying alone in the sun when her son came running up to her all out of breath.
"Mommy, mommy! Daddy is talking to the dumbest lady on the beach and the longer he talks to her the dumber he gets!"

 

[mugsgame]

Guy gets out of prison, goes right to the nearest whorehouse, and meets the crusty old Madam...

She asked what he wants. He says “I haven’t had a woman in 10 years. I don’t want young, I don’t want pretty. I want a tough woman who can put up with a major ass pounding”

The madam says, “Well cowboy, that’s me. Go down the street and get us a 6 pack of longnecks, and meet me in room 7”

The guy buys the beer and goes to room 7. The madam is on the bed, totally naked, on her hands and knees, with her asshole facing the door.

The guy says, “I thought you wanted to have a few beers first.”

She responds, “Well mister, you gotta open them bottles somehow.”

 

[mugsgame]

A man walks into a brothel which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.

He walks up to the desk and slams $1000 on the counter, saying: "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself."

The madame looks at the cash on the counter, then replies back to the man: "Sir, with that sort of money, you could have the most delicious steak cooked to perfection along with the most stunning girl you've ever seen. And she'll please you in ways you can't imagine letting you do what ever you wish to her "

The man looks the madame straight in the eye and says: "Sweetheart, I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

 

[mugsgame]

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table.

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of mathematics, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18..."

 

[Dudeqwe]

A women wanted to spice up her dead sex-life, she puts on her new panties, together with a short skirt
and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At a strategic moment, she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Yes, yes"" she coos, so excited and with a cunningly seductive smile.
"Thank God!” he replies, “I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot!!

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

 

[Pitboss69]

I went to tattoo shop recently and told the artist that I wanted them to tattoo a 100 dollar bill on my cock.

The artist said there is no way in heel I'm doing that unless you give me 3 good reasons why you want that on your cock.

Well I said,
1. I like to play with my money.
2. I like to see my money grow.
3. If my wife wants to blow a 100 dollars she doesn't need to leave the house.

 

[mugsgame]

A little boy went to his dad, who was working in the yard.

He asked him: "Daddy, what is sex?"

His father was surprised that he would ask such a question, but decided that if he is old enough to ask, then he is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell him all about the 'birds and the bees'.

When he finished explaining, his young son looked at him with his mouth hanging open.

"Why did you ask this question?" His father asked him.

The boy replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

 

[mugsgame]

A little girl is in the kitchen while her mum is preparing dinner and asks her mum what does 'virgin' mean.

The mum a little flustered explained "Well when a woman feels that she loves a man, she lets him put his penis inside her vagina and then she is not a virgin anymore."

The little girl looks confused and asks, "So what does 'extra virgin' mean?"

 

[Shady_nz]

Joe had just moved into a new apartment in New York City and was in the building’s lobby, carefully taping his name onto his mailbox. As he stepped back to admire his work, the door beside the mailboxes creaked open.

Out stepped a stunning young woman in nothing but a silk robe.

She smiled. Joe smiled back, slightly stunned.

“New tenant?” she asked, striking up a casual conversation.

“Yeah, just moved in,” Joe replied, doing his best to keep it cool.

As they chatted, her robe subtly slipped open, revealing she wasn’t wearing anything underneath. Joe’s eyes widened—then quickly darted back to hers. He was sweating now, trying with all his might to keep his gaze above the neckline.

Then she stepped closer, placed a gentle hand on his arm, and whispered, “Let’s go into my apartment… I think someone’s coming.”

Joe didn’t need to be asked twice.

He followed her in, heart pounding. As soon as the door shut, she leaned back against it and let her robe fall to the floor—completely bare.

With a teasing smile, she asked, “So… what would you say is my best feature?”

Joe froze. Eyes wide. Mouth dry. He cleared his throat and blurted, “Uh… your ears.”

She blinked. “My ears? Seriously? Look at me! My body’s toned, my breasts are real, my skin’s flawless—why in the world would you say my ears?”

Joe turned bright red and muttered, “Because when you said you heard someone coming… that was me.”

 

[Shady_nz]

Little Sam asks his Dad for a bike for his Birthday. His Dad says "No Sam, the mortgage is €450,000 and your Mam's just lost her job." The next day Sam walked out with his suitcase packed. His Dad asked, "Where are you going son?"
Sam replied, "I walked past your bedroom last night and heard you tell Mam that you were pulling out, she said wait cause she was coming too and I'm not staying here with a €450,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike."