Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[gabriela_2003]

I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?"

Depends on what you mean by "active".

There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

Why did the volcano get a date?
Because it was lava-ble!

 

[mugsgame]

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

 

[Britva415]

Why did the volcano get a date?

Because there aren't enough bears to go around!

 

[mugsgame]

A blonde walks into a sex shop and asks for a dildo

"They are on the wall behind you, pick one and I'll fetch it for you" said the cashier

"Hmmm... I want the red one!"

"Ma'am... that's a fire extinguisher."

 

[gabriela_2003]

Why did the desperate guy bring a ladder to the bar?
Because he heard the chances of getting a date were way up there.

 

[sn4ke11]

Found a lion in my wardrobe the other day, asked him what he was doing,
He said with a huff
Narnia Business..

 

[mugsgame]

If you want to get a man's attention, talk about tits.

If you want to get a woman's attention, talk about another woman's tits.

 

[mugsgame]

My wife's sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her "How could you afford this?!"

"You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous," she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, "I think I'll start doing that."

"Me too," I replied, turning to my sister in law. "What's your husband's number?"

 

[mugsgame]

If you're from Minnesota, you may know this one. Ole and Lena are a Minnesota-Swedish couple who've already had ten kids. And though they're not ready to slow down yet, by any means, their oldest children have reached an age such that the couple feel they need to use code words when speaking of sex.

Well, their code for the coital act itself is 'washing clothes'. So one night, as they're getting into bed and Ole, who's feeling a bit frisky, says, "Hey Lena, you want to wash clothes?"

She replies, "Oh Ole, honey, I'm sorry, but I've got a terrible headache. Tell you what, I'll take a couple aspirin. Check with me again in an hour, maybe I'll feel better."

An hour later, Ole rolls over, snuggling her from behind, and whispers, "Hey pretty Lena, you want to wash clothes now?"

"Oh, my lovely man, I'm so sorry. My headache's gone away, but I'm just so tired. Maybe we could try in the morning?" She replies with a yawn.

Well, the next morning, now Lena is feeling a bit frisky, so she rolls over and whispers seductively in his ear, "Hey Ole, you want to wash clothes now?"

"Oh, that's okay Lena. It was a small load, I did it by hand."

 

[mugsgame]

Ole and Lena were just married and driving to their honeymoon suite in Minneapolis. Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee, and slid it up to her thigh.

Lena giggled and said “Ole, we’re married now— you can go a bit further if you want.”

So they drove all the way to Duluth.

 

[mugsgame]

Ole and Lena had finally gotten married and the wedding was a big party and lots of beer and Aquavit was flowing.

Lena finally says, "Ole, I'm going up to bed now. " but Ole keeps on partying and drinking.

His friends warn him, "You'd better stop drinking, you'll be too drunk for Lena." But he keeps going anyway.

Finally, he decided to head up after Lena. He opens the door and sees Lena going at it with his best man Sven. He starts Laughing hysterically, and the other guests rush up to see what the commotion is.

Ole says, "You think I'M drunk, look at Sven; he's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

 

[mugsgame]

At a church over in Ishpeming, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the pastor asked Toivo; who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for all those years.

Toivo replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to treat Leena real nice, spend money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Finland for our 25th anniversary!"

The pastor responded, "Toivo, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Toivo proudly replied, "I'm gonna go pick her up."

 

[Shady_nz]

A married couple is cruising down the highway at 40 mph.
The husbands behind the wheel, calm and focused.
Out of nowhere, the wife says, “After 20 years, I want a divorce.”
He doesn’t flinch - just nudges the speed up to 45mph.
She continues, “And don’t try to stop me. I’ve been seeing your best friend… and let’s just say he knows what he’s doing.”
The speed creeps to 55mph.
“I want the house,” she demands.
60mph.
“I’m taking the car, too.”
65mph.
“Oh, and I’m draining the bank accounts and taking the boat!”
The car slowly drifts toward the concrete side barrier…
Panicked now, she blurts out, “Don’t you want anything?!”
The husband finally speaks:
“Nope… I’ve got everything I need.”
She scoffs, “Oh, really? And what’s that?”
He grins, eyes still on the road -
“I’ve got the airbag.”

 

[mugsgame]

Three blonde women are walking down the street.

As they walk past the bar, a man stumbles out. He staggers, stops, turns, squares his shoulders, walks straight away from them for about 15 paces, begins to veer to the side, bounces off the building, then careens over the curb and slams face down into the gutter.

The women sigh, and walk over to check on him. He doesn't move as they approach.

When they roll him over, they discover that his face is so obscured by mud, sewage, and other detritus that he is completely unidentifiable. He's also sound asleep. (They try slapping him. Just to be sure.)

Satisfied that he is at least, still alive, the women wonder about who he might be for a moment - but with his face covered in (literal and figurative) shit, they can't tell. Finally, one of the women has an idea: she undoes his trousers and yanks them down.

All three women consider his equipment.

Finally one of the women shrugs. "Well. He's not my husband, anyways."

The second woman screws up her face, reaches down and with one finger, flips his pecker over. "Hmmm," she says. "You're right. He's not your husband."

The third woman looks a bit longer, making various thinking noises as she shifts the mysterious member this way and that. "You know what," she finally spines, "I don't think he's even from our town!"

 

[mugsgame]

How is religion like a penis?

It's cool if you have one

It's cool if you don't

What's not cool is forcing it down other people's throats

 

[mugsgame]

A man and woman are having dinner in a restaurant.

A waitress notices the man slowly sliding down his chair until he disappears under the table. The woman, however, looks completely unconcerned!

Concerned, the waitress whispers to her, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband may be having a medical episode, just slid under the table!”

The woman calmly replies, “No, actually… my husband has just walked in the front door!”

 

[mugsgame]

A man came home and found his wife in bed with one of his best friends, so he dragged the man outside and beat the snot out of him.

When he got back his wife said, "Carry on like that and you won't have any friends left."

 

[mugsgame]

Kate Finnegan opens the door one night to see her husband's friend Paddy standing there.

"Paddy! But where's Seamus? He went with you this mornin' to work at the brewery!"

"Ah, my dear Kate, but I'm afraid I've got some terrible news. Seamus fell in a vat at the brewery and drowned."

After a few moments, and she regained her composure, she asked, "Did he at least go quickly?"

"I'm afraid not, dear. He got out three times for a wee!"

 

[mugsgame]

A man standing in the WC of the mall in front the urinal and talkin on the phone:

"No, Jane, I can't talk right now..."

<...>

"Because I have a fucking dick in my hand!"

<...>

"What do you mean "Whose?!"

 

[mugsgame]

I told my wife I never had an orgasm and always faked it.

She got furious and shouted: “WTF have I been swallowing then?!”

 

[mugsgame]

When my son was about 5, he asked me where poo came from.

I gave him a short concise answer on how you eat, and the food goes down into your tummy where the good stuff gets taken out of it to fuel your body, then what's left passes down to a long tube called intestines where it is mixed with nasty stuff, all which comes out of your bum when you go to the toilet.

He looked at me in horror and said "What about Tigger?"

 

[mugsgame]

A young man is out driving his brand new Honda with his beautiful wife. He and his wife are very excited about it and they started fooling around a little on the highway. Well, this all proved to be too distracting for the husband when he rear ends a late model Ferrari. The driver of the Ferrari is not very attractive, he's a little old with a pot belly. Knowing they cannot afford to pay for the repairs on the Ferrari the husband has an idea.

He says to his wife, "Look, we can't afford this. Go talk to the man. I can tell looking at this guy he's never been with a woman even close to as attractive as you. Flirt with him, I hope it doesn't go this far, but offer him sex if you have to."

Reluctantly, his beautiful bride steps out of the car and approaches the other driver. The husband watches as the man shouts a little, waves his arms around, and eventually begins to calm down. His wife returns to the vehicle with a piece of paper in her hand.

"So what happened? You don't have to have sex with him, do you?"

"No dear, I did exactly as you told me. Here is his address, you are fucking him at 6."

 

[mugsgame]

I was having lunch with a female colleague when I saw my wife come in.

"It's my wife! I have to hide." I whispered.

"Don't be silly, your wife can't possibly object to you having lunch with someone you work with" she said.

"She can if she thinks I died in 1995".

 

[mugsgame]

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

 

[000zing]

One I saw somewhere recently. Thought I'd pass it on.

Anthropology lecturer to student body: 'Of course, it goes without saying that Neanderthals could not walk around fully erect.'

Voice from the back: 'Yeah, I've seen artists' impressions of those Neanderthal women...'