A guy sees three women at a table in a restaurant chatting and laughing. One woman holds her hands up and separates them about a foot apart. He get curious and moves to a table closer so he can follow the conversation. The woman with her hands up separates them an inch or two and the woman next to her says “Is that the biggest you ever had?” The next one says “That’s gotta be close to 12 inches. Did it hurt?” She replied, “No it didn’t hurt, but it took me three flushes to get it down the toilet!”
Shady_nz
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Bill was cruising down a country road on his motorbike when a deer darted out in front of him. He swerved, lost control, and ended up in a ditch. Luckily, he wasn’t badly hurt—just a little dazed.A shiny BMW pulled up alongside, and out stepped an absolutely stunning woman.
“Are you OK?” she asked.
Bill rubbed his head. “I banged it a bit, but I think I’m fine.”
“Don’t be silly,” she said. “Jump in my car—I’m a nurse. I’ll patch you up, and you can warm up at my place just a couple miles away.”
Bill hesitated. “That’s really kind, but my wife wouldn’t be happy if I went home with a strange woman.”
The nurse smiled. “Nonsense! You could have a serious injury. I insist.”
So, Bill gave in, climbed into the BMW, and off they went. At her house, she cleaned his wound, bandaged him up, and even offered him a cold beer.
“I really shouldn’t,” said Bill. “My wife won’t like it.”
“Don’t be daft,” she laughed. “You’ve had a shock. A beer will calm you down.”
So Bill had the beer. Then she offered him another.
He shook his head. “Honestly, I'd better not. My wife REALLY won’t like it.”
Rolling her eyes, she asked, “Why do you keep worrying about your wife? Where is she, anyway?”
Bill took a sip of his beer, shrugged, and said:
“As far as I know… she’s still in the ditch.”
Shady_nz
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There are only two workers in a small factory, and they’re chatting.
The woman says, “I bet you any money I can make the boss send me home and give me the day off.”
The man laughs, “Never - you know he’s a mean old toad! How on earth would you do that?”
She grins, “Watch this.” Then she hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss walks in and asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
She replies, “I’m a light bulb, I'm a lightbulb, I'm such a pretty lightbulb.”
The boss says, “You’ve been working so hard you’ve gone crazy. Go home, get some rest, take the day off.”
The man grabs his coat and bag to follow, and the boss says, “Where do you think you’re going?”
The man replies, “I’m going home too. You can’t expect me to work in the dark.”
The woman says, “I bet you any money I can make the boss send me home and give me the day off.”
The man laughs, “Never - you know he’s a mean old toad! How on earth would you do that?”
She grins, “Watch this.” Then she hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss walks in and asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
She replies, “I’m a light bulb, I'm a lightbulb, I'm such a pretty lightbulb.”
The boss says, “You’ve been working so hard you’ve gone crazy. Go home, get some rest, take the day off.”
The man grabs his coat and bag to follow, and the boss says, “Where do you think you’re going?”
The man replies, “I’m going home too. You can’t expect me to work in the dark.”
mugsgame
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A man in hospital bathroom is standing at the urinal, doing his business, when a black doctor in surgical greens walks up beside him, pulls out his bbc, and says, “Whew, just made it!”
Man looks over and says, “Damn, doc, can you make me one”?
Man looks over and says, “Damn, doc, can you make me one”?
mugsgame
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A man went to see his Rabbi.
He stated in a very serious tone, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?"
The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then said, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I met with your wife. We talked for three hours."
The man anxiously replied, "Yes."
"You want my advice?"
Again, the man anxiously replied, "Yes."
"Take the poison," said the Rabbi.
>>>
This joke is based on a comment made by Winston Churchill:
Snobby lady: Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea!
Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
He stated in a very serious tone, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?"
The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then said, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I met with your wife. We talked for three hours."
The man anxiously replied, "Yes."
"You want my advice?"
Again, the man anxiously replied, "Yes."
"Take the poison," said the Rabbi.
>>>
This joke is based on a comment made by Winston Churchill:
Snobby lady: Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea!
Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
Lady Astor: Winston! You’re drunk. It’s disgusting!
Churchill: And you, Madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I’ll be sober…
A husband is waiting for his wife who is upstairs getting dressed. She calls down to him; Honey? Did you ever feel a sharp pain in your chest as if someone had a voodoo doll of you and they just drove a pin through it’s heart?
Husband answers “ No I haven’t.”
After a short pause, the wife yells down to him, “How ‘bout now?”
Husband answers “ No I haven’t.”
After a short pause, the wife yells down to him, “How ‘bout now?”
mugsgame
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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a costume party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a high-end costume store to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look exactly like a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Enclosed please find a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
Now the man is furious, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a bottle of excellent grenadine syrup. We suggest you pour the red grenadine syrup over your bald head, let it harden, and then stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple.
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look exactly like a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Enclosed please find a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
Now the man is furious, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Enclosed please find a bottle of excellent grenadine syrup. We suggest you pour the red grenadine syrup over your bald head, let it harden, and then stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple.
mugsgame
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A fella has just got a job with the City Works department.
After giving him a few aptitude tests they issue him with a shovel, a pair of wellies and a donkey jacket, and they start him on unblocking sewers.
A couple of weeks in, his supervisor takes him aside and says "About these time sheets you've been putting in. Every day, Monday to Friday, it's been 'Eight hours shovelling shit.'"
"Aye well," says the man, "That's what I've been doing, nine to five, shovelling shit."
"Yes, but it's not very nice for the girls in Payroll who have to read that," says the supervisor. "I'd like you to write 'Exxcavating excrement' instead of 'Shovelling shit'."
The fella looks at him wide-eyed. "Mate," he says, "If I could spell 'Excavating excrement', I wouldn't be shovelling shit for a living."
After giving him a few aptitude tests they issue him with a shovel, a pair of wellies and a donkey jacket, and they start him on unblocking sewers.
A couple of weeks in, his supervisor takes him aside and says "About these time sheets you've been putting in. Every day, Monday to Friday, it's been 'Eight hours shovelling shit.'"
"Aye well," says the man, "That's what I've been doing, nine to five, shovelling shit."
"Yes, but it's not very nice for the girls in Payroll who have to read that," says the supervisor. "I'd like you to write 'Exxcavating excrement' instead of 'Shovelling shit'."
The fella looks at him wide-eyed. "Mate," he says, "If I could spell 'Excavating excrement', I wouldn't be shovelling shit for a living."
mugsgame
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Two high school drop-outs are digging a ditch in the hot summer sun, and they're complaining about it non-stop.
"Sheesh, this is hard work. I hate this job!"
"Yeah. How come we're down here working our asses off, and the foreman is up there sitting under a shady tree with a cool drink, and making 3 times as much as us? It's not fair!"
"That's it! I'm sick of this! I'm gonna go ask him!"
So the guy climbs out of the ditch and goes up to the foreman under the shady tree.
"How come we're down there working our asses off in the burning hot sun, while you sit up here under this shady tree with a cool drink?"
The foreman says, "Well, it comes down to one word: Intelligence."
"Whaddya mean, intelligence? You calling me stupid!?"
"Well, here. Let me show you."
So the foreman holds his hand up against the tree and says, "Punch my hand as hard as you can."
The guy figures, now's my chance for some payback! He winds up and swings at the foreman's hand as hard as he can, but at the last moment, the foreman yanks his hand away. The guy nearly breaks his hand smashing it against the tree.
"See what I mean?" the foreman says. "Intelligence."
"Alright. I get it." And he goes back to work with his hand throbbing in pain.
His buddy in the ditch asks him, "So whad he say?"
"He said we're slaving away down here because of intelligence!"
"Intelligence!? Is he calling us stupid!? What does he mean by that!?"
His buddy says, "Well here, let me show you."
Seeing no tree around, he holds up his hand in front of his face.
"Take your shovel and hit my hand..."
"Sheesh, this is hard work. I hate this job!"
"Yeah. How come we're down here working our asses off, and the foreman is up there sitting under a shady tree with a cool drink, and making 3 times as much as us? It's not fair!"
"That's it! I'm sick of this! I'm gonna go ask him!"
So the guy climbs out of the ditch and goes up to the foreman under the shady tree.
"How come we're down there working our asses off in the burning hot sun, while you sit up here under this shady tree with a cool drink?"
The foreman says, "Well, it comes down to one word: Intelligence."
"Whaddya mean, intelligence? You calling me stupid!?"
"Well, here. Let me show you."
So the foreman holds his hand up against the tree and says, "Punch my hand as hard as you can."
The guy figures, now's my chance for some payback! He winds up and swings at the foreman's hand as hard as he can, but at the last moment, the foreman yanks his hand away. The guy nearly breaks his hand smashing it against the tree.
"See what I mean?" the foreman says. "Intelligence."
"Alright. I get it." And he goes back to work with his hand throbbing in pain.
His buddy in the ditch asks him, "So whad he say?"
"He said we're slaving away down here because of intelligence!"
"Intelligence!? Is he calling us stupid!? What does he mean by that!?"
His buddy says, "Well here, let me show you."
Seeing no tree around, he holds up his hand in front of his face.
"Take your shovel and hit my hand..."
A woman gets all kinds of cosmetic surgeries and finally thinks she’s beautiful. As she leaves the hospital, she hails a cab. Overwhelmed by her new face she asks the cabbie how old does she look. He says she doesn’t look a day over thirty. “I’m 47!” She yells excitedly. He lets her off at McDonalds and she goes to the back of the line. When it’s her turn, she orders and asks the girl behind the counter how old does she think she looks. The girl says she looks like she’s in her late 20’s. “I’m 47!!” she says. As she leaves she encounters an old man sitting on a park bench. She asks him the same ‘how old do I look?”
He says he has a foolproof was of knowing her age, but he would have to put his hand under her skirt for a few minutes. She looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
“Okay.” She says. “Go ahead.”
So he slides his hand up her thigh until he finds her pussy and clit. He begins to rub her clit till she begins to moan. He slides two fingers up her twat and keeps massaging until her knees get so week from his probing fingers that she collapses onto the park bench and exhausted, asks how old he thinks she is.
“You’re 47.”
She is shocked “How could you possibly know that?!”
The old man is licking her taste from his fingers and says: “I was behind you in line at McDonalds.”
He says he has a foolproof was of knowing her age, but he would have to put his hand under her skirt for a few minutes. She looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
“Okay.” She says. “Go ahead.”
So he slides his hand up her thigh until he finds her pussy and clit. He begins to rub her clit till she begins to moan. He slides two fingers up her twat and keeps massaging until her knees get so week from his probing fingers that she collapses onto the park bench and exhausted, asks how old he thinks she is.
“You’re 47.”
She is shocked “How could you possibly know that?!”
The old man is licking her taste from his fingers and says: “I was behind you in line at McDonalds.”
Shady_nz
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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John who had never lost a match — not in high school, not in college. He was a national icon and the pride of American wrestling. 
Word spread of a fearsome Russian wrestler with one devastating move: the Mongolian Death Grip. No one had ever escaped it.
The two legends were set to face off in Texas. Before the match, John’s coach warned him:
“Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip.”
Four seconds into the match... the Russian had him in the move.
The coach buried his face in his hands. It was over. But suddenly, the crowd erupted —
“USA! USA! USA!”
The coach looked up to see the Russian pinned! Stunned, he asked John:
“How on earth did you get out of the Mongolian Death Grip?”
John, catching his breath, replied:
“Coach, he twisted me up so bad, I opened my eyes and saw two... testicles. So I bit them.”
The coach gasped — “John! That’s not legal!”
John said:
“I don’t know about legal, Coach… but let me tell you something —
you don’t know how strong you are…
till you bite your own balls.”
Word spread of a fearsome Russian wrestler with one devastating move: the Mongolian Death Grip. No one had ever escaped it.
The two legends were set to face off in Texas. Before the match, John’s coach warned him:
“Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip.”
Four seconds into the match... the Russian had him in the move.
The coach buried his face in his hands. It was over. But suddenly, the crowd erupted —
“USA! USA! USA!”
The coach looked up to see the Russian pinned! Stunned, he asked John:
“How on earth did you get out of the Mongolian Death Grip?”
John, catching his breath, replied:
“Coach, he twisted me up so bad, I opened my eyes and saw two... testicles. So I bit them.”
The coach gasped — “John! That’s not legal!”
John said:
“I don’t know about legal, Coach… but let me tell you something —
you don’t know how strong you are…
till you bite your own balls.”
this was a dumb blond joke when I heard itIn a small village just outside Dublin, Big Paddy, the not-so-bright farmer’s boy, wanted to earn a bit of extra cash over the summer. So he decided to offer his services around the village as a “handy man.”
He knocked on the door of a fancy house and asked the owner,
“Any odd jobs needin’ doin’?”
The man thought for a moment and said,
“Well, I could use someone to paint the porch. How much would you charge?”
Paddy beamed. “How about £50?”
“Deal!” said the man. “The white gloss paint and brushes are in the garage.”
His wife, overhearing from the kitchen, whispered,
“That's a lot of work - does he realize the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man shrugged. “Let’s not judge - it might teach the eejit a lesson.”
A few hours later, Paddy knocked on the door again.
“All done!” he said proudly. “And I even had enough paint left for two coats!”
The man, impressed, handed him £50 and threw in a £10 tip.
“Thanks very much!” said Paddy. “Oh - and by the way, it’s not a Porch... it’s a Mercedes.”
mugsgame
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A man in California bumped into and recognized God at the beach. God says, "Promise never to tell anyone I was here and I'll grant you one miracle."
Man says, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there."
God, "The logistics of a bridge over the ocean are unfathomable. It would also be too obvious that I intervened. Do you have a different request?"
Man, "I want to truly understand women."
God, "How many lanes do you want on the bridge?"
Man says, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there."
God, "The logistics of a bridge over the ocean are unfathomable. It would also be too obvious that I intervened. Do you have a different request?"
Man, "I want to truly understand women."
God, "How many lanes do you want on the bridge?"
mugsgame
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A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, They're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon, and one of them is honking the horn."
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, They're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon, and one of them is honking the horn."
mugsgame
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A guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m oversexed.”
“Well, how often do you have sex with your wife?”
“About three times a week.”
“That’s not oversexed.”
“Yeah, but I’m having a fling with my secretary.”
“How often do you have sex with her?”
“About three times a week.”
“Well, that’s more than average but not that unusual.”
“Um, I’m also seeing my next door neighbor.”
“How often?”
“About three times a week.”
“Wow, that is impressive, but I…”
“Doctor, I’m also screwing my dog.”
“What? How often?”
“About three times a week.”
“Good lord, man, you need to get a hold of yourself!”
“I do! About three times a week!”
“Well, how often do you have sex with your wife?”
“About three times a week.”
“That’s not oversexed.”
“Yeah, but I’m having a fling with my secretary.”
“How often do you have sex with her?”
“About three times a week.”
“Well, that’s more than average but not that unusual.”
“Um, I’m also seeing my next door neighbor.”
“How often?”
“About three times a week.”
“Wow, that is impressive, but I…”
“Doctor, I’m also screwing my dog.”
“What? How often?”
“About three times a week.”
“Good lord, man, you need to get a hold of yourself!”
“I do! About three times a week!”
mugsgame
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On the chest of a barmaid in Vail was tattooed the prices of ale,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
>>>
A lass on one of her larks,
Said it is more fun indoors than in parks,
I feel more at ease and my ass doesn’t freeze,
And park rangers don’t make snide remarks.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
>>>
A lass on one of her larks,
Said it is more fun indoors than in parks,
I feel more at ease and my ass doesn’t freeze,
And park rangers don’t make snide remarks.
mugsgame
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
