Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[Shady_nz]

Three Trees & a Woodpecker
It’s hard to find a clean joke these days without a dirty word or two… but here’s one for you!
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, were growing side by side in the woods. A little sapling sprouted between them, and the beech asked the birch:
“Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The birch shrugged and said he couldn’t tell. Just then, a woodpecker landed on the sapling.
“Hey, Woody Woodpecker, you’re the expert,” said the birch. “Can you tell us if this is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker took a peck and replied:
“Sorry to say, but it’s neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch… but I'll tell you one thing - it is the best piece of ash I’ve ever poked my pecker into!”

 

[Shady_nz]

A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Doc; "Chur, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Doc; "Chuuur. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Doc; "Chuuuur, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

Billy T James ❤

 

[Shady_nz]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. Luckily, a Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.
She climbed up behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and held on tight to what she thought was the saddle horn so she wouldn’t fall off.
Every few minutes, the Native American would let out a loud “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” that echoed through the hills and canyons. When they finally arrived in town, he gave one last “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” before riding off.
Puzzled, the service station attendant asked, “Lady, what did you do to get that man so excited?”
“Nothing,” she replied. “I just held onto the saddle horn.”
The attendant shook his head and said, “Ma’am, Native Americans don’t use saddles.”
(Apologies if anyone finds this offensive)

 

[ccs29745]

Teacher: can anyone use the word harassment in a sentence?

Little Billy: my girlfriend said I didn't mean anything to her, but her ass meant a lot to me.

 

[Shady_nz]

A preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had that choice."

 

[PotNoodle79]

I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity.

I can't put it down.

 

[mugsgame]

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John who had never lost a match.

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John who had never lost a match - not in high school, not in college. He was a national icon and the pride of American wrestling.

Word spread of a fearsome Russian wrestler with one devastating move: the Mongolian Death Grip. No one had ever escaped it.

The two legends were set to face off in Texas. Before the match, John’s coach warned him: “Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip.”

Four seconds into the match... the Russian had him in the move.

The coach buried his face in his hands. It was over. But suddenly, the crowd erupted — “USA! USA! USA!”

The coach looked up to see the Russian pinned! Stunned, he asked John: “How on earth did you get out of the Mongolian Death Grip?”

John, catching his breath, replied: “Coach, he twisted me up so bad, I opened my eyes and saw two... testicles. So I bit them.”

The coach gasped - “John! That’s not legal!”

John said: “I don’t know about legal, Coach… but let me tell you something - You don’t know how strong you are… till you bite your own nuts.”

 

[ccs29745]

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John who had never lost a match.

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John who had never lost a match - not in high school, not in college. He was a national icon and the pride of American wrestling.

Word spread of a fearsome Russian wrestler with one devastating move: the Mongolian Death Grip. No one had ever escaped it.

The two legends were set to face off in Texas. Before the match, John’s coach warned him: “Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip.”

Four seconds into the match... the Russian had him in the move.

The coach buried his face in his hands. It was over. But suddenly, the crowd erupted — “USA! USA! USA!”

The coach looked up to see the Russian pinned! Stunned, he asked John: “How on earth did you get out of the Mongolian Death Grip?”

John, catching his breath, replied: “Coach, he twisted me up so bad, I opened my eyes and saw two... testicles. So I bit them.”

The coach gasped - “John! That’s not legal!”

John said: “I don’t know about legal, Coach… but let me tell you something - You don’t know how strong you are… till you bite your own nuts.”

Damn, that was a good one.

 

[Seamus44]

Two peanuts were walking in a bad neighborhood and one was assualted

 

[PotNoodle79]

What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?

Ian.

 

[Shady_nz]

"It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversen*sitive woman.
My name is Mike. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Pat to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Mike, died suddenly on July 23 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murd*er. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Mike, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. "

 

[Baztrachian]

There was a young dentist, Malone
Who was with a girl patient alone
In his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
And, my, how his practice has grown!

 

[Shady_nz]

Two little old ladies, Niamh and Tara, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall in Limerick, where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Niamh, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore.
For €10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show"!
"You're on!", said Tara, holding up a €10 bill.
So, Niamh slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely na*ked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Niamh came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
"What happened", asked Tara ?
"I won €100 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!

 

[Baztrachian]

Two nuns, Sister Clara and Sister Joan, were walking through the streets one night on their way across town to vespers at the cathedral.

Suddenly they were set upon by two strapping young hoodlums who dragged them off into a nearby alley where the hoodlums proceeded to rape them.

Sister Clara said, "Bless them Father, for they know not what they do!"

Sister Joan replied, "This one does!"

 

[LoveNotes4U]

What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

 

[kathyisgr65]

I only have 1

I like my trucks like I like my women over 30 years old and leaking fluids

 

[mugsgame]

Little Johnny is playing in the yard when he gets a wood splinter in his hand.

He runs to his teacher shouting "Cider, Cider, Cider!".

His teacher calms him down and ask why he needs cider.

He says "I have a splinter in my hand so I need cider!"

Teacher is confused and says "Why would you need cider for a splinter?"

Johnny explains, well, I overheard my sister talking to her friend and she said "Whenever she get's a prick in her hand, she puts it in cider."

 

[mugsgame]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

 

[mugsgame]

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing...

 

[mugsgame]

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having a pint, watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk in, and one said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they spotted a rabbi enter. “Aye, ‘tis a shame the men of Jewish faith are fallin’ to temptation too,” said the other.

But when a Catholic priest walked in, one of them said, “Now that’s a terrible pity… one of the poor girls must be dying.”

 

[Baztrachian]

Did you hear about the two Irish queers?

William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.

 

[Shady_nz]

Grandma’s Boyfriend…
A 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandma one day. While she played with her dolls, Grandma was dusting the furniture.
At one point, the little girl looked up and asked:
“Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Grandma smiled and said:
“Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I sit in my room and watch it all day. The TV evangelists keep me company and lift my spirits. The comedies make me laugh. I’m perfectly happy with my TV, it's my boyfriend.”
Just then, the picture went fuzzy. Grandma began adjusting the knobs and thumping the back of the TV in frustration, trying to fix it.
At that moment, the doorbell rang. The little girl ran to answer it.
Standing there was Grandma’s minister.
“Hello, young lady. Is your grandma home?”
The little girl replied:
“Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”
The minister fainted.

 

[mugsgame]

I’m proud to say I’ve never paid to have sex with a prostitute

I’ll tell you something though.

They get so mad.

 

[mugsgame]

A man asks his wife if she had ever cheated on him

After many years of marriage, a man asks his wife if she has ever cheated on him. The wife replies that she has never, but the man persists, and finally the wife admits it, but only three times, and that she has always done it for him.

"Okay," says the husband, "Tell me about the first time."

"It was when we built our house, newlyweds. We ran out of money, and I made an arrangement with the contractor so we could have a happy life.

"And the second time?"

"It was when you wanted to build a garden. We called the best gardener, and since we couldn't afford it, I had to make a deal with him. I did it for you too!

"I understand. And the third time?"

"It was when you wanted to be mayor of the town. You were 35 votes short of the goal."

 

[mugsgame]

I went to the doctors the other day. The doc said "So what can I do for you?"...

I said to the doc "Well, for the last month I having been having the same dream. Beautiful girls are running towards me, but I keep pushing them away, I can't go on like this".

The doc said, "So what can I do to help?"

"Break my arms!"