Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

[mugsgame]

A teacher is teaching good manners to her third-grade class and asks them how they would excuse themselves to use the restroom during a dinner date.

Michael answers, "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher says this is rude.

Sherman answers, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." The teacher says this is better, but mentioning the bathroom at the table isn't nice.

Little Johnny answers, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

 

[mugsgame]

Jackass Wiener

A father and son walk through his factory. He unveils his pride: a machine that grinds up jackass, pushes out perfect wieners, the best ever.

Kid just sits there. Totally unimpressed .

Dad: “What’s wrong? Impressed?”

Kid: “I’d be impressed if you put a wiener inside it, and it pushed out a jackass”

Dad goes beet red: “Son, The only thing that can take a wiener inside it and push out a jackass… is your mother.”

 

[mugsgame]

I took a nurse back to my place….

I took a nurse back to my place last night for sex. As I stripped off I said to her, "You must have seen a few dicks where you work. How do you rate mine?"

She said, "It's slightly bigger than most I see."

"Thanks," I said. "What sort of nursing do you do?"

"I'm a midwife!

 

[Shady_nz]

Once upon a time, a princess had a terrible problem - everything she touched melted. Metal, wood, stone… all of it. No man would marry her, and the king was desperate.

A wizard told him, “If she touches just one thing that doesn’t melt, she’ll be cured.”

So the king held a competition. Three princes tried their luck:

The first brought a sword - it melted.
The second brought diamonds - they melted too.
The third prince said, “Princess, put your hand in my pocket.”

She blushed, reached in… felt something hard… and it didn’t melt but stayed hard!
The kingdom rejoiced, and the two were married.

So - what was in the prince’s pocket?
M&M’s.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking? I worry about you sometimes!

 

[mugsgame]

A blonde goes to her gynecologist and shows him a stamp from Costa Rica.

She asks, "How could this possibly get inside me?"

The doctor looks at it and says, "That's not a postage stamp, it's a Chiquita Banana sticker!"

 

[mugsgame]

It's the first day of the parapsychology class.

The professor asks, "How many of you believe in ghosts?" All of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?"

About 90% of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever touched a ghost?"

About 20% of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?"

One hand in the back goes up.

"Really!" says the professor. "I've been teaching this class for 15 years, and nobody has ever raised their hand to that question. Sir, could you please stand up and tell the class what it was like to have sex with a ghost?"

The man stands up and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I thought you said 'a goat.'"

 

[mugsgame]

Good 'ol 967

A blonde woman motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she got flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The trucker walked up to her car and asked, "Are you headed to San Diego?

"Sure," said the blonde, "do you need a lift?

"Not me. I'll be here for the next couple hours fixing my truck, the problem is I’ve got these two chimps in the back that must be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re really stressed as it is, and I don’t know how long it’s gonna take me to get rolling again. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? “I can give you $300 for your trouble.”

"I'd be delighted to," said the blonde. And so, the trucker gently seated the two chimps in the back of the blonde’s car, strapped them in, and off they went, leaving the truck driver back.

Five hours later, as the trucker was making his way through downtown San Diego, he had to stop at an intersection where a big crowd had gathered. He went a little further and suddenly spotted the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd of onlookers.

He screeched to a halt and ran over to the blonde and demanded, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I gave you $300 to take these two chimps over to the zoo!”

"Yes, I know you did, but we had money left over, so now we’re headed to Sea World.”

 

[mugsgame]

Today I was beat up by a busty woman in an elevator.

Evidently I was staring at her breasts when she said please press one.

I don't remember much after that...

 

[CX726577]

What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?.......

"Supplies!"

 

[mugsgame]

A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left."

All the men in the church moved to left, except one man.

The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked, "How come your wife can't control you?"

The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move."

 

[mugsgame]

Little Johnny asks his father:

"Dad what's between mom's legs?"

The father replies "Paradise son."

Little Johnny then asks "And what's between your legs?"

The father replies "The key to paradise."

Little Johnny then says "Then you should change the lock, Dad. The neighbor has a duplicate key!"

 

[mugsgame]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland …

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me

into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Ye got tae be fookin' dead"

 

[mugsgame]

Sign at the nudist resort

As October came to an end, the New England nudist resort put up a sign at the entrance:

CLOTHED FOR THE WINTER

 

[mugsgame]

I just gave my wife an orgasm.

Ungrateful cow spat it out.

 

[Shady_nz]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

 

[Shady_nz]

 

[mugsgame]

50th wedding anniversary.

An old couple that were High School sweethearts, now approaching their 50th. It's also her 70th birthday so she's off to the salon to get her hair done. Thumbing through a magazine she sees an article on 'Spicing up your love life.'

That evening, she says to her husband, "Bert, we've been doing the missionary position ever since we met and I wanna try something new. It's my birthday and I I've read about this '69' the young couples are doing. So we're doing that." Bert agrees.

So now, after a couple of bottles of wine, they're upstairs in the bedroom, naked and on the bed. She's told him what she wants him to do, and just as he gets down there, she farts.

"I'm terribly sorry, Bert" she says.

Bert says, "That's ok, let's try that again." Down he goes, and she farts again.

"I really am sorry. I must be nervous or something."

"It's ok, you've nothing to worry about. I'll try again." Said Bert. So he's almost there again, and again she farts.

Bert says "Fuck this! We're going back to the missionary. I love you but I'm fucked if I'm doing that another 66 times."

 

[mugsgame]

A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left."

All the men in the church moved to left, except one man.

The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked, "How come your wife can't control you?"

The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move."

 

[mugsgame]

Killing time in the mall, two young ladies decided to line up and visit Santa.

The first moved timidly toward Santa when it was her turn and Santa greeted her with a hearty,"Ho, ho, ho!"

Her friend immediately blurted out, "See, everyone knows!"

 

[Raybies93]

What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?.......

"Supplies!"

this joke is based on the fact that Asians pronounce r’s as l’s. the Asian janitor is in charge of supplies. If u make it politically correct it’s no
longer funny.

 

[beachlights44]

The longer I’m married the more I realize that a good wife is like a bottle of ketchup.

They taste delicious.
They last forever.

And sometimes you just need to flip them upside down and bang them on the kitchen counter.

 

[Raybies93]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland …

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me

into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Ye got tae be fookin' dead"

thats funny

 

[Raybies93]

In New York State, after having a couple of glasses of wine at lunch, two wealthy elderly women were driving home in a large Merecedes. Being short, like many elderly women are, both could barely see over the dashboard, especially so in this large sedan.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The light was red... but they drove straight through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn that was a red light.”
A few minutes later - another red light. And again, right through it.
Now nervous, the passenger sat up straighter and paid close attention.
At the next red light, they again drove right on through!
She turned to her friend and said,
“Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row?! You could have killed us!”

Mildred looked over and said,
“Oh geez, am I driving?”

thats a good one

 

[justagirlLMA]

Would you rather eat a baby Goat or a Matter Baby?

 

[Raybies93]

A boy asks his mom, mommy , where do babies come from??
The mother replies, well you see , they come from storks , the storks deliver them.
Oh says the boy, and asks , who fucks the storks?



So I was with my friend the other day and he says, last weekend I was bit by a black widow!!
She was 52!

A boy asks Siri where his dad is.
“He is in a strip club in Vegas.” Siri answered
“Ha! You’re wrong! He’s right here next to me! Gotchya!”
Siri responds “Your mother’s husband is next to you. Your father is in a strip club in Las Vegas.”