Jokes

[P0peye]

Three old friends walking down the street together, first one says "it's windy" , the second friend says "No, it's Thursday ", the last replies " me too, let's get a beer!"

 

[lovecraft68]

Young girl is beginning to get hair down there and is concerned and asks her mother about it.
Her mom assures her hair down there is fine, and they call it a monkey and now she's getting a hairy monkey.
Next day at breakfast with her older sister, she says "My monkey's getting hairy!"
Sister replies. "That's nothing, mine's already eating bananas!"

 

[jehoram]

"I love this new hearing aid! I can hear everything so clearly!"
"What kind is it?"
"About half past two."

 

[P0peye]

I was feeling so bad until a friend told me "Cheer up. Things could be worse" So I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse. (Rim shot!)

 

[jehoram]

Young girl: "Why are those legs holes on swim suits cut so high? Is it to make the legs look longer?"
Mother: "No, dear. It's to make the men look longer."

 

[Rob_Royale]

I saw a great meme a while back and even without the photo it made for a fun joke.

Headline - Russia to begin drafting women into their armed forces to support the war in the Ukraine.
Punchline - This constitutes the biggest mobilization of Russian women since the launch of OnlyFans.

 

[StillStunned]

A man goes to the doctor.

Man: "Doctor, I have a problem with premature ejaculation."
Doctor: "Wow, that really sucks."
Man: "Hnnnnggh...."

 

[32aa]

The other night, my wife asked how many women i had slept with. I told her, "Only you. The others kept me awake all night."

The doctor says that I should be able see again in about 10 days. The broken arm will take about a month.

 

[32aa]

Not necessarily a joke.

Before we work on Artificial Intelligence... Maybe we should do something about Natural Stupidity.

 

[12oclocktales]

My father taught me to swim the hard way - he threw me out into the middle of the lake.
The really hard part was getting out of the sack.

 

[YDB95]

It's show and tell day at school, and the teacher asks, "Who has something special to show the class?"

One boy's hand shoots up immediately. The teacher says, "Wow, Johnny, I'll bet you have something really special!"

"I do, I do!" Johnny exclaims.

"Well, come on up and show us," the teacher says.

Johnny prances up to the whiteboard and draws a little dot on it.

"What's that, Johnny?" the teacher asks.

Johnny says, "It's a period!"

The teacher is confused. "What's the big deal about a period, Johnny?"

"Well, I don't know," Johnny says. "But last night at dinner, my sister said she was missing one. Mom fainted, Dad had a heart attack, and the old man next door shot himself!"

 

[alohadave]

It's show and tell day at school, and the teacher asks, "Who has something special to show the class?"

One boy's hand shoots up immediately. The teacher says, "Wow, Johnny, I'll bet you have something really special!"

"I do, I do!" Johnny exclaims.

"Well, come on up and show us," the teacher says.

Johnny prances up to the whiteboard and draws a little dot on it.

"What's that, Johnny?" the teacher asks.

Johnny says, "It's a period!"

The teacher is confused. "What's the big deal about a period, Johnny?"

"Well, I don't know," Johnny says. "But last night at dinner, my sister said she was missing one. Mom fainted, Dad had a heart attack, and the old man next door shot himself!"

I haven't seen a little Johnny joke in a long time.

 

[12oclocktales]

I got a note from the young bride thanking me for my wedding gift. She said it was just what she wanted, and she’d use them every time she entertained guests. I’m a little concerned because I gave her bedsheets.

 

[Nightjoy1]

I was 'flying' down the road yesterday (i.e. 20 mph over the limit,) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.

He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Traffic Ticket: $195.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on his face: Priceless

This made me laugh out loud. Thank you. Here's one that I enjoy.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

 

[lovecraft68]

Teacher "I want you to use the word fascinate in a sentence"
First student raises hand "I went to Disney last summer and it was fascinating!"
Teacher. "That's great, but I wanted the word fascinate."
Second student "I like to look through a telescope. I'm fascinated by the planets."
Teacher, "That's nice, but you said fascinated."
Johnny raises his hand. "Okay, Johnny, go ahead."
"My aunt has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

 

[Privates1stClass]

A lady who had a small schnauzer dog took him to the veterinarian because she thought her dog had an infection in his ears.

The veterinarian examined the dog and said, "You're right, the infection is caused by too much hair in his ears. I'll give him a shot for the infection, but I don't have any depilator right now. I'd suggest you stop by a pharmacy and pick up a small bottle. The pharmacist can explain how to use it."

So, the lady stopped by her local drug store and asked the pharmacist for a small bottle of hair remover and how to use it.

He asked, "Are you going to use it on your legs?"

The lady answered, "No."

"Well then," he asked, "are you planning to use it under your arms?"

"Oh no," the lady said. "I'm going to use it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist replied, "Well, in that case, I'd suggest you don't ride a bicycle for a couple weeks."

 

[Nightjoy1]

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

 

[Nightjoy1]

A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route.

She stops him and informs him there’s more, then leads him into the bedroom where she proceeds to give him the best sex he’s ever had—every position he can think of until he’s about ready to pass out. Finally, they finish and he says, "Thank you ma’am, this was amazing, but I really should finish my route."

She stops him and says, "I have one more thing for you," and then reaches over to the nightstand, pulls out a crisp $5 bill, and hands it to him.

Confused, the mailman says, "Ma’am, the breakfast was amazing, the sex was mind-blowing, but what is up with the five dollars?"

The lady responds, "Well, my husband and I were watching TV last night when I said, 'Hey, tomorrow is the mailman’s last day, think we should do something?' And he said, 'Fuck ’em. Give him 5 bucks.' But breakfast was my idea!”

 

[alohadave]

A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route.

She stops him and informs him there’s more, then leads him into the bedroom where she proceeds to give him the best sex he’s ever had—every position he can think of until he’s about ready to pass out. Finally, they finish and he says, "Thank you ma’am, this was amazing, but I really should finish my route."

She stops him and says, "I have one more thing for you," and then reaches over to the nightstand, pulls out a crisp $5 bill, and hands it to him.

Confused, the mailman says, "Ma’am, the breakfast was amazing, the sex was mind-blowing, but what is up with the five dollars?"

The lady responds, "Well, my husband and I were watching TV last night when I said, 'Hey, tomorrow is the mailman’s last day, think we should do something?' And he said, 'Fuck ’em. Give him 5 bucks.' But breakfast was my idea!”

Inflation affects jokes too. I heard this many years ago with the punchline: "Fuck him, give him a buck."

 

[Nightjoy1]

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

 

[Nightjoy1]

Apologies for posting so many. I like humor. Particularly in the current environment. The following are a little silly with a slightly darker tint.

I was drinking a martini when the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I jumped to my feet and yelled back, “I know the entire alphabet.” Everyone laughed and laughed. Well, everyone except one person.


While two men are golfing, a hearse slowly drives by. One of the golfers puts down his club, folds his hands in front of him and bows his head as it passes. When he resumes his shot, his friend says, “Wow. I had no idea you were so respectful.” The golfer replies, “Well, I was married to her for 30 years.”


Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.


I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

 

[AG31]

This has probably been posted dozens of times....

New patient: Doctor, I have an orgasm everytime I sneeze.

Doctor: So what's your problem?