Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[LostGirlTink]

I am intending to get to the conversations you've had around this too - I'm just struggling at the moment to find time to do all the things. Is there somewhere in there where you talk about how you get to grips with that situation? Because now I'm back in that relationship, I'm trying to work out how to help him be at ease with things.

Ok.. I have a keyboard today. So, for me the biggest part was the fact that I'm NOT poly, at least not at this point, nor do I ever see me actually experiencing any kind of shift to that. I can see why it makes sense in many cases, and I understand that this is how some people are wired. I'm currently wired that when my mind and heart are wrapped up with someone, there doesn't seem to be the ability for me to either compartmentalize or decompartmentalize (im not sure which) to experience that time of emotional attachment to more than one person.
What I needed to work through in my head, was that just because I can't... does not mean HE can't. That love is not a finite resource and that what he feels for me is not the same as what he feels for his wife, but that doesn't mean that it's less, or more, it's just MINE.
What he has with her doesn't make what he has with me any less.
He's not going to run out of love. It isn't going to get used up and there won't be enough for someone... in fact it just makes him happier which seems to increase his ability to love.
What is finite is time.
Time is a precious resource and in terms of jealousy, etc, that's the only real time it comes into play. I got jealous of his damn cat the one afternoon mostly because it was snuggled on his lap and I wanted to be.
I had to open my mind up to the idea that my way of thinking, while right for me, could not be applied to him. Just because he is doing something doesn't mean he's doing it for the same reasons I would do it...
I don't know if that makes sense or not. It did in my head.
I read a lot.
More than Two was a great starting point. I've read it a couple times. I've rethought how having a friend doesn't mean I can't have other friends and applied the same thinking when I start to struggle.
And I do struggle, some days are rough. I told Tol the one day, "Do you spend half your life soothing the women in your life?" and some days i think he does.
Everything changed more for me the day I was with him at his house, and I'd been playing with his kids before I left.
When it was time to say goodbye I hugged his kids, and his wife hugged me as well.
Then he hugged both of us and looking at his face I realized he was the happiest man in the world and I wouldn't want to take that from him ever.
I don't compete with her. It isn't about being skinnier, or sexier, or prettier or her being younger, or smarter or any of that. That doesn't matter. What he likes about her he likes about her, what he likes about me, he likes about me. And what that is takes NOTHING from me.. or her.

That being said, I told him that I don't think I could handle it if he wanted to add someone else in the mix... not because of the feelings, though I'm sure i'd struggle with that "why aren't I enough thing" but because of that bitchy little thing called time.
I get what I need, sometimes it's a ton of time and I feel bad for his wife.. I'm super needy lately due to life circumstances, but I'm sure there will be time when she gets more too. I just can't imagine that there would logistically be enough time for someone else without things suffering and who wants that?

I don't know if this answered any questions, I just kind of rambled, but I did want to share.

 

[bob53]

Although I am not is a poly relationship now I totally get it and suggest anyone considering it look up the term "Compersion".

Be sure you can embrace all that is involved.
It is rather interesting truly being happy for a partner while they are having sex with someone else. AND doing it without any jealousy.

I just stumbled across this article for others considering poly and thought it was rather well written.
https://beducated.com/mag/poly-relationships-101/

 

[LostGirlTink]

Although I am not is a poly relationship now I totally get it and suggest anyone considering it look up the term "Compersion".

Be sure you can embrace all that is involved.
It is rather interesting truly being happy for a partner while they are having sex with someone else. AND doing it without any jealousy.

I just stumbled across this article for others considering poly and thought it was rather well written.
https://beducated.com/mag/poly-relationships-101/

It is a good article, one of the first I read before moving on to several different books.
For those that don't want to look it up Compersion is when you take happiness from your other people's happiness. When you actually experience joy because they are happy. It doesn't even have to be your partner, you experience compersion when, say, your children do something and are very happy and proud of themselves. That full to bursting feeling of happiness at how happy THEY are.. That's compersion.

There are other definitions that have been added in recent years, unfortunately some of them often imply a sexual component and actual compersion has little or nothing to do with sex

 

[Moochienanu]

There is always the need to be cautious who you openly discuss your lifestyle with. Some people will use it to their advantage if they want to put themselves first, rather than see you as part of the wider community, and normal.

I have noticed, like you Kim, the younger (20s) generation, seem to be more open to differing lifestyles, perhaps as they are more relaxed and open as it is seen as normalised behaviour in the community.

Couldn’t agree more on the bolded statement when we’re talking about any lifestyle that isn’t the widely accepted norm.

I have slowly been including more of my friends in the dialogue, but I still haven’t had the courage to bring it up with my two closest female friends. I love them and want to tell them, but I am so worried they will not be accepting (which is just crazy now that I’m typing it). I have plans to tell them when I see them in person In a couple months... if I don’t lose my nerve, of course.

 

[KimGordon67]

Ok.. I have a keyboard today. So, for me the biggest part was the fact that I'm NOT poly, at least not at this point, nor do I ever see me actually experiencing any kind of shift to that. I can see why it makes sense in many cases, and I understand that this is how some people are wired. I'm currently wired that when my mind and heart are wrapped up with someone, there doesn't seem to be the ability for me to either compartmentalize or decompartmentalize (im not sure which) to experience that time of emotional attachment to more than one person.
What I needed to work through in my head, was that just because I can't... does not mean HE can't. That love is not a finite resource and that what he feels for me is not the same as what he feels for his wife, but that doesn't mean that it's less, or more, it's just MINE.
What he has with her doesn't make what he has with me any less.
He's not going to run out of love. It isn't going to get used up and there won't be enough for someone... in fact it just makes him happier which seems to increase his ability to love.
What is finite is time.
Time is a precious resource and in terms of jealousy, etc, that's the only real time it comes into play. I got jealous of his damn cat the one afternoon mostly because it was snuggled on his lap and I wanted to be.
I had to open my mind up to the idea that my way of thinking, while right for me, could not be applied to him. Just because he is doing something doesn't mean he's doing it for the same reasons I would do it...
I don't know if that makes sense or not. It did in my head.
I read a lot.
More than Two was a great starting point. I've read it a couple times. I've rethought how having a friend doesn't mean I can't have other friends and applied the same thinking when I start to struggle.
And I do struggle, some days are rough. I told Tol the one day, "Do you spend half your life soothing the women in your life?" and some days i think he does.
Everything changed more for me the day I was with him at his house, and I'd been playing with his kids before I left.
When it was time to say goodbye I hugged his kids, and his wife hugged me as well.
Then he hugged both of us and looking at his face I realized he was the happiest man in the world and I wouldn't want to take that from him ever.
I don't compete with her. It isn't about being skinnier, or sexier, or prettier or her being younger, or smarter or any of that. That doesn't matter. What he likes about her he likes about her, what he likes about me, he likes about me. And what that is takes NOTHING from me.. or her.

That being said, I told him that I don't think I could handle it if he wanted to add someone else in the mix... not because of the feelings, though I'm sure i'd struggle with that "why aren't I enough thing" but because of that bitchy little thing called time.
I get what I need, sometimes it's a ton of time and I feel bad for his wife.. I'm super needy lately due to life circumstances, but I'm sure there will be time when she gets more too. I just can't imagine that there would logistically be enough time for someone else without things suffering and who wants that?

I don't know if this answered any questions, I just kind of rambled, but I did want to share.

Thanks Tink ... this is a hundred different kinds of amazing. How would you feel about me sharing this with the BF? Because honestly, so much of this is almost word for word the things I've said to him (especially, but definitely not only, the bolded bit above), but maybe it would help to hear those words repeated from someone on the 'other side' of the equation.

 

[KimGordon67]

Couldn’t agree more on the bolded statement when we’re talking about any lifestyle that isn’t the widely accepted norm.

I have slowly been including more of my friends in the dialogue, but I still haven’t had the courage to bring it up with my two closest female friends. I love them and want to tell them, but I am so worried they will not be accepting (which is just crazy now that I’m typing it). I have plans to tell them when I see them in person In a couple months... if I don’t lose my nerve, of course.

It's not crazy at all - I have a couple who I"m extremely fond of - I don't know they're my closest friends (I don't even know if I have a 'closest' friend any more), but they're certainly two of my all time favourite people, and they bring a lot of joy to my life. But they have very traditional attitudes when it comes to relationships, and especially marriage, which is surprising, because they're totally not traditional in almost ever other sense. And they're also extremely good friends with my ex husband ... and I have an awful feeling that they would judge me quite harshly for what happened there, even though my ex is fine about it all. I think telling people we're particularly close to can be the hardest, because they're the ones we're most scared of 'losing' in some sense.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Thanks Tink ... this is a hundred different kinds of amazing. How would you feel about me sharing this with the BF? Because honestly, so much of this is almost word for word the things I've said to him (especially, but definitely not only, the bolded bit above), but maybe it would help to hear those words repeated from someone on the 'other side' of the equation.

Go for it! I don’t mind at all. If he’s got any questions feel free to reach out, I’m happy to help however I can

 

[Bramblethorn]

That being said, I told him that I don't think I could handle it if he wanted to add someone else in the mix... not because of the feelings, though I'm sure i'd struggle with that "why aren't I enough thing" but because of that bitchy little thing called time.
I get what I need, sometimes it's a ton of time and I feel bad for his wife.. I'm super needy lately due to life circumstances, but I'm sure there will be time when she gets more too. I just can't imagine that there would logistically be enough time for someone else without things suffering and who wants that?

I feel this. Poly scheduling is hard.

For me, I don't have unlimited capacity for attention. Even without time pressures, I can't focus on more than a handful of people at once. But the number is bigger than one.

 

[KimGordon67]

I feel this. Poly scheduling is hard.

For me, I don't have unlimited capacity for attention. Even without time pressures, I can't focus on more than a handful of people at once. But the number is bigger than one.

I think this is one of the things the BF is struggling with - he says quite often that he doesn't want to 'just be another guy', and I kind of think he thought there's going to be a gaggle of guys. (I'm not sure what the collective noun is for a bunch of guys but you know what I mean.) Like most things that aren't 'normal' for sex, people tend to imagine it all being way more outrageous than the reality.
[Edited to make actual sense pursuant to Bramble's proofreading below.]

 

[Bramblethorn]

I think this is one of the things the BF is struggling with - he says quite often that he doesn't want to 'just be another guy', and I kind of think there's going to be a gaggle of guys. (I'm not sure what the collective noun is for a bunch of guys but you know what I mean.) Like most things that aren't 'normal' for sex, people tend to imagine it all being way more outrageous than the reality.

(was that meant to be he thinks there's going to be a gaggle of guys?)

I don't know whether this is what he needs, but one thing that I tried to establish with my sweetie of a couple of years was to mark out a few regular things that were specifically ours - a Skype catch-up every so often, etc. etc. For me, at least, I think that would've helped a lot if I'd had an explicit commitment on what I could count on.

 

[KimGordon67]

(was that meant to be he thinks there's going to be a gaggle of guys?)

I don't know whether this is what he needs, but one thing that I tried to establish with my sweetie of a couple of years was to mark out a few regular things that were specifically ours - a Skype catch-up every so often, etc. etc. For me, at least, I think that would've helped a lot if I'd had an explicit commitment on what I could count on.

LOL - yes. I really need to learn to proofread my posts more.

And yes, I think marking out things that specifically belong to each relationship is, for us at least (and I gather for a lot of people) quite important. Time is the obvious one - we spent a bit of time in the weekend delineating that there was OUR time, that no one else is to impinge on, NOT-OUR time, when we as individuals are not to impinge on whatever the other person is doing, and the sort of 'fuzzy time', where we might just randomly catch up with each other but there's no expectations. It's weird - it seemed so obvious to me that this would be how things would work I hadn't even really vocalised it before, but when he said it (and it was him who brought it up in the weekend), I realised I needed to stop assuming things were 'obvious', and that he needs a bit of reassurance. Which is a useful thing to remind myself of, because the other thing I'm finding is that it's easy to get caught up in the New Relationship Energy thing, and forget that the 'old' relationship needs to have attention given to it too.

 

[LostGirlTink]

I’m going to jump in here too, I think the biggest pieces that there needs to be flexibility. No matter how much you might say “oh Tuesday nights are going to be for us and Friday nights are going to be for me and so and so and we’re going to do XY and Z, knowing that you can communicate “hey I know we said we were going to do this today but unfortunately I really need to spend time with my wife/‘y girlfriend, my whatever person because I’m needed” is vital.
I guess being open to that as well as sensitive to not doing that unnecessarily is important, I’m just kind of rambling but it all comes down to communicating with one another right? And honesty.
It’s super easy to get caught up in someone, but I don’t know how much I subscribe to NRE in poly relationships other than the initial shiny new couple weeks... because the reason people are poly is because people aren’t inherently replaceable. You value the “old” relationship as much as the new one, in different ways... because if you didn’t you wouldn’t bother going through the effort of maintaining multiple right?

 

[KimGordon67]

I’m going to jump in here too, I think the biggest pieces that there needs to be flexibility. No matter how much you might say “oh Tuesday nights are going to be for us and Friday nights are going to be for me and so and so and we’re going to do XY and Z, knowing that you can communicate “hey I know we said we were going to do this today but unfortunately I really need to spend time with my wife/‘y girlfriend, my whatever person because I’m needed” is vital.
I guess being open to that as well as sensitive to not doing that unnecessarily is important, I’m just kind of rambling but it all comes down to communicating with one another right? And honesty.
It’s super easy to get caught up in someone, but I don’t know how much I subscribe to NRE in poly relationships other than the initial shiny new couple weeks... because the reason people are poly is because people aren’t inherently replaceable. You value the “old” relationship as much as the new one, in different ways... because if you didn’t you wouldn’t bother going through the effort of maintaining multiple right?

I probably made it sound more rigid than I meant to - funnily enough, I've ended up applying the same thinking here as I do to my family. My kid spends every third weekend with me - except when that doesn't happen. But having the 'every third weekend' understanding means that's the default, and something we try to maintain as much as possible.
The BF needs some sort of certainty, even if it's a flexible certainty, and I don't feel that that's unreasonable - it helps me too.

The NRE thing is definitely just the early stages - I haven't even actually met him yet.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I also think communication is the key (sometimes communication is easy, sometimes it's not). I rely on "flexible scheduling" - somethings need a schedule locked in (trips, vacations, events) so that everyone involved can plan accordingly.

Some things are just flexible - "want to meet for coffee", "what are you doing tonight", etc.. Inside a poly relationship, all partners know each other and eventually come to love each other, so the scheduling becomes easier and many classic "couple" things are openly done as a group.

Communication, scheduling, those are the nitty gritty of any relationship - not just poly ones.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I’m going to jump in here too, I think the biggest pieces that there needs to be flexibility. No matter how much you might say “oh Tuesday nights are going to be for us and Friday nights are going to be for me and so and so and we’re going to do XY and Z, knowing that you can communicate “hey I know we said we were going to do this today but unfortunately I really need to spend time with my wife/‘y girlfriend, my whatever person because I’m needed” is vital.
I guess being open to that as well as sensitive to not doing that unnecessarily is important, I’m just kind of rambling but it all comes down to communicating with one another right?

It's definitely a balancing act. Obviously if somebody's had a death in the family/etc. the schedule might need to go out the window, but it requires that everybody involved has the emotional maturity not to exploit that. (I get twitchy here because I've been on the receiving end of OSOs who didn't, and it wasn't a lot of fun.)

Some things are just flexible - "want to meet for coffee", "what are you doing tonight", etc.. Inside a poly relationship, all partners know each other and eventually come to love each other, so the scheduling becomes easier and many classic "couple" things are openly done as a group.

Communication, scheduling, those are the nitty gritty of any relationship - not just poly ones.

Communication is important for any relationship, but in monogamy it's possible to muddle through with very little communication. Society offers some default settings for how relationships are going to work ("if you're with somebody, you don't fuck anybody else" being one of the most obvious) and if both people are content to follow those defaults, they can often get by without talking about it. I'm not saying this is a good approach, just that it's possible.

We don't really have those defaults for poly relationships, so muddling through without talking is likely to fall apart very quickly.

I don't think "all partners eventually come to love each other" should always be expected. It's nice when it happens but not everybody wants to be besties with their partner's partner, and that's fine as long as they're respectful of one another.

 

[KimGordon67]

It's definitely a balancing act. Obviously if somebody's had a death in the family/etc. the schedule might need to go out the window, but it requires that everybody involved has the emotional maturity not to exploit that. (I get twitchy here because I've been on the receiving end of OSOs who didn't, and it wasn't a lot of fun.)



Communication is important for any relationship, but in monogamy it's possible to muddle through with very little communication. Society offers some default settings for how relationships are going to work ("if you're with somebody, you don't fuck anybody else" being one of the most obvious) and if both people are content to follow those defaults, they can often get by without talking about it. I'm not saying this is a good approach, just that it's possible.

We don't really have those defaults for poly relationships, so muddling through without talking is likely to fall apart very quickly.

I don't think "all partners eventually come to love each other" should always be expected. It's nice when it happens but not everybody wants to be besties with their partner's partner, and that's fine as long as they're respectful of one another.

I was thinking about this, also in relation to what Paul and Tink said, and I wonder if there's polyamorous people, and then polyamorous relationships. I'm the former, but I don't think my relationship is the latter, and it may never be. Tink, on the other hand, is not a particularly polyamorous person, but is able to be in a polyamorous relationship.

I think you're right, Bramble, about the social scripts that exist around monogamous relationships - it ties in with the whole 'soul mate' discourse that is so woven through absolutely everything. Another one of the great unspokens is that 'success' is measured by 'longevity', which I've mentioned above. (Possibly this applies to poly relationships too, although my long years on Lit have led me to think that often - not always, but often - if people are thinking outside the box in respect of one aspect of relationships, they often do so with other aspects as well.)

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm trying to be optimistic. When the BF and I first talked last weekend, he said he would rather not know what was going on with other people .. I find that extremely difficult, because if you really respect that wish, it's hard to not end up effectively lying, and I really don't want to lie to people about things. And then when I saw him a couple of days later, I decided that 'not keeping things from him' was a bit too important ... it's a tricky balance, because I need to consider whether I'm wanting that for myself, or for him, but the tipping point was him asking me what I was thinking about, because I was obviously distracted, so I just decided to tell him I have a date in a couple of weeks. (Oh - yeah. Tinder Guy was OK about things ... more about that later.) And I did immediately feel better ... he asked a few questions that I just answered straightforwardly, and then he said 'Huh - I actually feel OK about things.' It probably helped that we were holding hands at the time - we do far too much communicating over email, and it's a minefield for misunderstanding, so we might stop doing that. Through that conversation, I realised that he partly (not entirely, but partly) through that me wanting to be able to tell him about other people meant sharing ridiculous levels of detail ... totally NOT what I want.

But it was really useful when I was thinking about the need to not 'keep things from him' to really work out who that was 'for' - is it to make me feel better, or to make him feel better, or to make the relationship work better. All of these are valid, but I think it's helpful to understand which of them is the motivation. This sort of became clearer again when I caught up with the guy from Tinder, who'd been a bit incommunicado because his ex had decided to come clean about a heap of cheating she'd done while they were together ... often with friends of his. And I just thought 'WTF is the point of that?' I've been tempted to do the same about things I did when I was married that I'm not especially proud of, but when I really think about it, I know I'd only be doing it to make myself feel less guilty - it would be of no practical benefit to my ex-husband at all, and would just make him unhappy. I still wish I'd been more honest when I was married, but I wasn't - the best I can do now is not repeat those mistakes.

 

[MrRetro]

I'm trying to be optimistic. When the BF and I first talked last weekend, he said he would rather not know what was going on with other people .. I find that extremely difficult, because if you really respect that wish, it's hard to not end up effectively lying, and I really don't want to lie to people about things. And then when I saw him a couple of days later, I decided that 'not keeping things from him' was a bit too important ... it's a tricky balance, because I need to consider whether I'm wanting that for myself, or for him, but the tipping point was him asking me what I was thinking about, because I was obviously distracted, so I just decided to tell him I have a date in a couple of weeks. (Oh - yeah. Tinder Guy was OK about things ... more about that later.) And I did immediately feel better ... he asked a few questions that I just answered straightforwardly, and then he said 'Huh - I actually feel OK about things.' It probably helped that we were holding hands at the time - we do far too much communicating over email, and it's a minefield for misunderstanding, so we might stop doing that. Through that conversation, I realised that he partly (not entirely, but partly) through that me wanting to be able to tell him about other people meant sharing ridiculous levels of detail ... totally NOT what I want.

But it was really useful when I was thinking about the need to not 'keep things from him' to really work out who that was 'for' - is it to make me feel better, or to make him feel better, or to make the relationship work better. All of these are valid, but I think it's helpful to understand which of them is the motivation. This sort of became clearer again when I caught up with the guy from Tinder, who'd been a bit incommunicado because his ex had decided to come clean about a heap of cheating she'd done while they were together ... often with friends of his. And I just thought 'WTF is the point of that?' I've been tempted to do the same about things I did when I was married that I'm not especially proud of, but when I really think about it, I know I'd only be doing it to make myself feel less guilty - it would be of no practical benefit to my ex-husband at all, and would just make him unhappy. I still wish I'd been more honest when I was married, but I wasn't - the best I can do now is not repeat those mistakes.

I’m assuming this is the same BF you have had for a while, are you back together again Kim..? I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect your man to understand your need to talk about what it is you are doing, albeit without the personal explicit details..

I can totally understand and relate to your dishonest behaviour in the past, you can’t help that, we all have needs that need to be relished.. Your inner wisdom from your experience knows best here though Kim..

 

[KimGordon67]

I’m assuming this is the same BF you have had for a while, are you back together again Kim..? I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect your man to understand your need to talk about what it is you are doing, albeit without the personal explicit details..

I can totally understand and relate to your dishonest behaviour in the past, you can’t help that, we all have needs that need to be relished.. Your inner wisdom from your experience knows best here though Kim..

It is the same BF, yes. I think my optimism is increasing - he was just here last night, and we had a really good night, and had a couple of good talks. One of the shifts that I like is that instead of thinking that I"m 'giving something to someone else that he could be having' (because he is struggling to move beyond the 'finite resource' model), he's instead thinking 'am I getting the amount of love/time/attention/care/whatever that I need/want in order to be happy'. I think it's a better place to be working from, and means I'm more able to focus on thinking about too.

I have my first date with the guy from Tinder next week, so now I can start really panicking about that.

 

[LostGirlTink]

It is the same BF, yes. I think my optimism is increasing - he was just here last night, and we had a really good night, and had a couple of good talks. One of the shifts that I like is that instead of thinking that I"m 'giving something to someone else that he could be having' (because he is struggling to move beyond the 'finite resource' model), he's instead thinking 'am I getting the amount of love/time/attention/care/whatever that I need/want in order to be happy'. I think it's a better place to be working from, and means I'm more able to focus on thinking about too.

I have my first date with the guy from Tinder next week, so now I can start really panicking about that.

That was one of the hardest shifts for me... but also the best. Once I realized that I very rarely don’t get what I want and I always get what I need from him every other part kinda feel into place and I stopped feeling like I was losing something because I wasn’t the ONLY woman in his life. I just began feeling like I was an important part of his life. It felt really great once that no longer was a stumbling block in my head

 

[KimGordon67]

That was one of the hardest shifts for me... but also the best. Once I realized that I very rarely don’t get what I want and I always get what I need from him every other part kinda feel into place and I stopped feeling like I was losing something because I wasn’t the ONLY woman in his life. I just began feeling like I was an important part of his life. It felt really great once that no longer was a stumbling block in my head

I think it's pretty reasonable for that to be extremely difficult ... we're pretty firmly socialised to believe that one should the ONLY important person in one's partner's life, a socialisation process that is supported by a mountain of structural and institutional forces. And if I wanted to get really Marxist on it, I could also suggest that capitalism has conditioned us to focus on what we 'don't have' or 'don't get', rather than what we are getting or do have ... or maybe that's just part of the human condition that we need to try and work around.
It was sort of a revelation for me a few years back when the BF fucked someone else (long story that isn't worth going in to) - unfortunately it was while we going through a difficult moment ... well, actually, it was PART of the difficult moment ... but it was also the first time either of us had had sex with anyone else apart from me with my husband, and the next day when I talked to him, I realised that the only thing that actually mattered was whether he still loved me.
And maybe that's part of it too (I'm just rambling now) ... that there's such a common trope of people 'straying' because they don't love their partners any more or they are fundamentally dissatisfied with the relationship somehow, so we easily assume that's the only reason our partner would want any sort of relationship with someone else.

 

[KimGordon67]

Impending date panic. Should you tell someone you're about to meet that you don't particularly love your body at the moment, so they know to be nice ... or is that just deeply unsexy?

 

[coati]

Impending date panic. Should you tell someone you're about to meet that you don't particularly love your body at the moment, so they know to be nice ... or is that just deeply unsexy?

I don't recommend that action. If a date does not connect with you, the genuine and interesting person, and instead is hung up on superficial stuff, it ain't gonna work out anyway.

 

[KimGordon67]

I don't recommend that action. If a date does not connect with you, the genuine and interesting person, and instead is hung up on superficial stuff, it ain't gonna work out anyway.

Oh, we've done a lot of 'connecting' - we've been chatting pretty much every day for I think a couple of months now. (Yes, it's silly that it's taken that long to meet - it's a distance thing.) This is really a seeing-if-we-click-in-RL thing.

 

[cookiecat]

Impending date panic. Should you tell someone you're about to meet that you don't particularly love your body at the moment, so they know to be nice ... or is that just deeply unsexy?

I would frequently do a nervous jittery "I feel weird" dance. It only lasted a millisecond. More like a shiver. I knew how things would turn out if the person I was with thought it was endearing or thought I was bananas.

Don't lead with it as the breaking news story of the night. Perhaps work it in.

Have fun.