Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

Interesting take on the preferred experience level. I think I am on the opposite end of the spectrum here - I much prefer my partner to know what they like and have practical experience with it. Little tweaks here and there are nice, but on bigger things I don't want it to be his first time on either side of the d/s equation. Go learn, experiment, and fail with somebody else

I guess my experience has always been that the d/s dynamic has only developed with a few people (maybe two?) through the course of the relationships ... it wasn't something any of us were necessarily looking for. So it's been quite specific to the respective relationship in terms of the shape of it. And I kind of like that.

 

[KimGordon67]

So the weekend with the new guy (S) was fun! I was a little apprehensive driving over there, because he'd seemed a little less than enthused about seeing me. (I think that that was other stuff, not me.) But he was definitely pleased to see me ... I arrived at his place on the back of a very long and slightly annoying work day, and took a while to unwind, which he totally got - just sat me on the couch with a glass of wine and cooked me dinner. In the end we had a bit of a tiny party for two - spent the evening, until probably midnight or so, drinking and playing music - he's got a very extensive record collection, with a lot of old stuff in it, which was fun. And the sex was fantastic ... even more so in the morning. We stayed in bed til 1pm, talking and fucking.
The monogamy thing is, however, going to be an issue. He's surprisingly emotional (I'm just always surprised when guys demonstrate actual emotions). And also incredibly into me ... once or twice I drifted off to sleep for a bit, and woke up to find him just looking at me ... not in a creepy 'I wonder how she'll like my dungeon' way, more in a 'having her here is just really fucking cool, and I'm happy' way. We talked about all that a bit - he's (understandably) worried about getting emotionally involved and finding it difficult to cope with the idea that I'm seeing anyone else. I'm really not sure how to deal with that. I've been as reassuring as I can, but I can't change people's emotional responses to situations.

And I find that I'm also more into him than I expected, which is cool ... but has also resulted in a lot of New Relationship Energy going to him, which has kind of meant that GG (the older guy) is probably getting less of me. Actually, definitely getting less of me. And I'm not entirely sure how to resolve that either. I'm really teetering on the edge of suggesting that we maybe call an end to that. The distance makes everything more difficult - at the moment, I'm not seeing him for another month, and I know that month is going to be filled up with S. And I kind of don't want to compromise that - NRE is so much fun, and it's not something we get often. But it feels unfair to GG that he's not getting what he needs, which is complicated by the fact that I can't really explain to him what's going on, because he doesn't want to know about me seeing other people. I'm really fond of him, and absolutely don't want to screw him around, but I do feel like he's going to end up in a secondary position which, again, just seems unfair to him.

And part of me doesn't want to finish that because of something that might have a very short lifespan ... but then I'm also just hedging my bets, and that's also incredibly unfair on the other people involved.

Argh.

 

[KimGordon67]

... and in other news, I just had my first Lit story published!

 

[Replicant2018]

... and in other news, I just had my first Lit story published!

Very hot story.

 

[KimGordon67]

Very hot story.

Thanks ... it's a bit nerve-wracking putting it out there, but responses seem to be favourable.

 

[lisaharlot]

This thread start life in the Fetish board ... I've never been the best at working out where things belong, but it's sort of died out over there. Cookie, who always knows best, suggested I link it here and see if the conversation might continue ... partly, I guess, because I'm trying to get my head back together after my nearly-four-year relationship imploded.
Long story short ... I met the BF while still married, tried to run both things for a while (with everyone's knowledge), but the marriage ended, for largely unrelated reasons, at which point the BF seemed to think it would just be the two of us, but turns out I'm pretty adamantly non-monogamous. We spent two years trying to work through to a point that would work for both of us ... actually, no, we spent about two months trying to do that, and the previous 22 months me waiting for him to start doing that, and then finally pushing the point.
So I put myself on a couple of dating sites, and chatted with a guy I seemed to get on with, and arranged a date - honestly, just a date - and the BF pretty much flipped out. I suddenly realised that if he was ever going to be OK with this - and that's a pretty big 'if' - it was going to be a lot longer to get to that point. Yes, I could have worked through that, but I think once you hit 50, you realise there isn't that much time left to be happy, and you need to grab as much of that as you can.

I miss him terribly, but I'm trying to be resolute, because I know that if we're together, and I'm not being monogamous, at least one of us, and probably both of us, is going to be unhappy. So here I am ... and why is this in the BDSM forum? Because the whole story of getting here is woven in with me discovering the 'submissive' side of myself ... and now wondering what the hell I do about that.

Have you gone to your local munch? It’s s good low pressure way to meet others people in the lifestyle

 

[KimGordon67]

Have you gone to your local munch? It’s s good low pressure way to meet others people in the lifestyle

I don't think I'm really a 'lifestyle' kind of girl - the d/s stuff isn't an essential part of any sort of interaction, more a 'nice to have'. I find I tend to form the relationship, and then between us (whoever the specific 'us' is), we work out the kinks that we're both interested in.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I don't think I'm really a 'lifestyle' kind of girl - the d/s stuff isn't an essential part of any sort of interaction, more a 'nice to have'. I find I tend to form the relationship, and then between us (whoever the specific 'us' is), we work out the kinks that we're both interested in.

That is more reflective of my experience as well. First comes the relationship, then the kinks are explored and developed, for the most part. It's the human-to-human relationship that has to be there - the kinks are entirely optional.

My general advice in your current circumstances is probably what you've already heard - don't over think it, don't over work it, just take a deep breath, relax, and let it flow. Water finds it's own level.

And congratulations on the first story!

 

[Blackcuckgooner]

I don't think I'm really a 'lifestyle' kind of girl - the d/s stuff isn't an essential part of any sort of interaction, more a 'nice to have'. I find I tend to form the relationship, and then between us (whoever the specific 'us' is), we work out the kinks that we're both interested in.

Hi Kim I’m 42 and black .. how would I look to get into finding a poly women.. club? Online?

 

[KimGordon67]

That is more reflective of my experience as well. First comes the relationship, then the kinks are explored and developed, for the most part. It's the human-to-human relationship that has to be there - the kinks are entirely optional.

My general advice in your current circumstances is probably what you've already heard - don't over think it, don't over work it, just take a deep breath, relax, and let it flow. Water finds it's own level.

And congratulations on the first story!

Yeah ... I think he's open to exploring things. The fun is finding out where that goes ... I think for me, having it all mapped out diminishes the excitement a bit.

 

[AnnieLit]

That is more reflective of my experience as well. First comes the relationship, then the kinks are explored and developed, for the most part. It's the human-to-human relationship that has to be there - the kinks are entirely optional.

My general advice in your current circumstances is probably what you've already heard - don't over think it, don't over work it, just take a deep breath, relax, and let it flow. Water finds it's own level.

And congratulations on the first story!

I think (zero real life experience here) that munches are not meant to be "meet - greet - tie me to the bed and spank right now" places. They are more about looking for people for a relationship within the pool of those that are more open to kink than the general population. It's like... You are more likely to meet somebody interested in classical music at an opera house than at a heavy metal concert at a stadium.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I think (zero real life experience here) that munches are not meant to be "meet - greet - tie me to the bed and spank right now" places. They are more about looking for people for a relationship within the pool of those that are more open to kink than the general population. It's like... You are more likely to meet somebody interested in classical music at an opera house than at a heavy metal concert at a stadium.

Yeah, munches are generally casual affairs. Just from my own experience, I had mixed experiences at them. Some were very good, some were "horn dog men (and a few women) using them as an excuse to be the first to prey on newcomers". It varied a lot by the community and the people organizing them. The right mix and they worked well. The wrong mix and they could be little horror shows disguised as casual get togethers.

In that way, I'd say the experience was very similar to the online Lit BDSM community. Some very good, some very bad, some good disguising themselves as bad.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Yeah ... I think he's open to exploring things. The fun is finding out where that goes ... I think for me, having it all mapped out diminishes the excitement a bit.

A big part of the fun is that exploration. Though, LOL, I am a map drawer. If I'm going to bring something up, I've usually got it planned out if my partner is interested. Depending on the kink being explored, I think you generally need some sort of plan, especially if it requires accessories. Of course, I planned things for the entirety of my working career, so at this point I'm hardwired to having plans (and backup plans, and "oh crap that went bad" plans, and rescue plans...).

 

[KimGordon67]

So the weekend with the new guy (S) was fun! I was a little apprehensive driving over there, because he'd seemed a little less than enthused about seeing me. (I think that that was other stuff, not me.) But he was definitely pleased to see me ... I arrived at his place on the back of a very long and slightly annoying work day, and took a while to unwind, which he totally got - just sat me on the couch with a glass of wine and cooked me dinner. In the end we had a bit of a tiny party for two - spent the evening, until probably midnight or so, drinking and playing music - he's got a very extensive record collection, with a lot of old stuff in it, which was fun. And the sex was fantastic ... even more so in the morning. We stayed in bed til 1pm, talking and fucking.
The monogamy thing is, however, going to be an issue. He's surprisingly emotional (I'm just always surprised when guys demonstrate actual emotions). And also incredibly into me ... once or twice I drifted off to sleep for a bit, and woke up to find him just looking at me ... not in a creepy 'I wonder how she'll like my dungeon' way, more in a 'having her here is just really fucking cool, and I'm happy' way. We talked about all that a bit - he's (understandably) worried about getting emotionally involved and finding it difficult to cope with the idea that I'm seeing anyone else. I'm really not sure how to deal with that. I've been as reassuring as I can, but I can't change people's emotional responses to situations.

And I find that I'm also more into him than I expected, which is cool ... but has also resulted in a lot of New Relationship Energy going to him, which has kind of meant that GG (the older guy) is probably getting less of me. Actually, definitely getting less of me. And I'm not entirely sure how to resolve that either. I'm really teetering on the edge of suggesting that we maybe call an end to that. The distance makes everything more difficult - at the moment, I'm not seeing him for another month, and I know that month is going to be filled up with S. And I kind of don't want to compromise that - NRE is so much fun, and it's not something we get often. But it feels unfair to GG that he's not getting what he needs, which is complicated by the fact that I can't really explain to him what's going on, because he doesn't want to know about me seeing other people. I'm really fond of him, and absolutely don't want to screw him around, but I do feel like he's going to end up in a secondary position which, again, just seems unfair to him.

And part of me doesn't want to finish that because of something that might have a very short lifespan ... but then I'm also just hedging my bets, and that's also incredibly unfair on the other people involved.

Argh.

I'm still stuck with this problem ... although maybe closer to resolving the situation. I spent the weekend just gone at S's place again ... he was organising a gig with a heap of bands on the Saturday night, including his own - that night turned into a 'getting to bed at 7am the next morning' kind of thing, and we spent the whole of Sunday in bed sleeping and fucking ... got up around 5pm, ordered food and watched the whole new season of Black Mirror lying on the couch, and then went back to bed and fucked some more. Great weekend.
But on the Friday night, GG texted and asked what I was up to for the weekend. I just said 'going to x-town for a gig' and he asked a bit about the bands ... but he's not stupid and I'm pretty sure he could work out that I was spending the weekend with someone else. And I just realised that whole situation really isn't working for me. I'm really trying to work out if it's because of what's going on with S (which does seem to be getting a bit more serious than I was expecting) ... I think it partly is, but really this would have come to head with GG if I was seeing anyone else kind of regularly. And I also I realised I just don't feel like I have that much fun with him ... he's a really lovely guy, and I'm very fond of him, but he's just not that much *fun*. S, on the other, is a non-stop fucking party. He'll probably kill me, but at least I'll die happy.
So now I have the hideously unpleasant phone call to deal with. I've known this all week, and have really been procrastinating.
Sigh.

 

[KimGordon67]

A big part of the fun is that exploration. Though, LOL, I am a map drawer. If I'm going to bring something up, I've usually got it planned out if my partner is interested. Depending on the kink being explored, I think you generally need some sort of plan, especially if it requires accessories. Of course, I planned things for the entirety of my working career, so at this point I'm hardwired to having plans (and backup plans, and "oh crap that went bad" plans, and rescue plans...).

Funny, isn't it? This isn't me at all. I'm totally spur of the moment ... I guess not much of the stuff I enjoy requires equipment. Interestingly, I'm a total planner in all other circumstances. Just not sex.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Funny, isn't it? This isn't me at all. I'm totally spur of the moment ... I guess not much of the stuff I enjoy requires equipment. Interestingly, I'm a total planner in all other circumstances. Just not sex.

Let me pull this thread a little bit. Why don't you plan sex?

 

[AngelicaS1780]

I'm still stuck with this problem ... although maybe closer to resolving the situation. I spent the weekend just gone at S's place again ... he was organising a gig with a heap of bands on the Saturday night, including his own - that night turned into a 'getting to bed at 7am the next morning' kind of thing, and we spent the whole of Sunday in bed sleeping and fucking ... got up around 5pm, ordered food and watched the whole new season of Black Mirror lying on the couch, and then went back to bed and fucked some more. Great weekend.
But on the Friday night, GG texted and asked what I was up to for the weekend. I just said 'going to x-town for a gig' and he asked a bit about the bands ... but he's not stupid and I'm pretty sure he could work out that I was spending the weekend with someone else. And I just realised that whole situation really isn't working for me. I'm really trying to work out if it's because of what's going on with S (which does seem to be getting a bit more serious than I was expecting) ... I think it partly is, but really this would have come to head with GG if I was seeing anyone else kind of regularly. And I also I realised I just don't feel like I have that much fun with him ... he's a really lovely guy, and I'm very fond of him, but he's just not that much *fun*. S, on the other, is a non-stop fucking party. He'll probably kill me, but at least I'll die happy.
So now I have the hideously unpleasant phone call to deal with. I've known this all week, and have really been procrastinating.
Sigh.

Agreed. You've said twice now, in two different posts, that you're "fond" of GG. You want... and deserve... more in a sexual relationship than someone of whom you are fond. Good luck with the phone call.

 

[KimGordon67]

Agreed. You've said twice now, in two different posts, that you're "fond" of GG. You want... and deserve... more in a sexual relationship than someone of whom you are fond. Good luck with the phone call.

He's such a lovely guy ... I feel terrible that I'm going to make him sad, and I feel like I've dicked him around. I know I haven't, but it still feels like that.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

It's not easy, but better to end things now than to keep him hoping/wondering/worrying.

 

[KimGordon67]

It's not easy, but better to end things now than to keep him hoping/wondering/worrying.

I know ... I just hate it when the right thing isn't the easy thing. My friend pointed out that it actually is impossible to make everyone happy. And he did get laid, after quite a long time without any sex, so there's also that!

 

[AngelicaS1780]

I know ... I just hate it when the right thing isn't the easy thing.

I hear you on that one.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm still stuck with this problem ... although maybe closer to resolving the situation. I spent the weekend just gone at S's place again ... he was organising a gig with a heap of bands on the Saturday night, including his own - that night turned into a 'getting to bed at 7am the next morning' kind of thing, and we spent the whole of Sunday in bed sleeping and fucking ... got up around 5pm, ordered food and watched the whole new season of Black Mirror lying on the couch, and then went back to bed and fucked some more. Great weekend.
But on the Friday night, GG texted and asked what I was up to for the weekend. I just said 'going to x-town for a gig' and he asked a bit about the bands ... but he's not stupid and I'm pretty sure he could work out that I was spending the weekend with someone else. And I just realised that whole situation really isn't working for me. I'm really trying to work out if it's because of what's going on with S (which does seem to be getting a bit more serious than I was expecting) ... I think it partly is, but really this would have come to head with GG if I was seeing anyone else kind of regularly. And I also I realised I just don't feel like I have that much fun with him ... he's a really lovely guy, and I'm very fond of him, but he's just not that much *fun*. S, on the other, is a non-stop fucking party. He'll probably kill me, but at least I'll die happy.
So now I have the hideously unpleasant phone call to deal with. I've known this all week, and have really been procrastinating.
Sigh.

So ... what a fucking cluster fuck of an evening.
Everything went fine with GG ... he was sad, but lovely, pretty much as I knew he'd be.
Then I let S know that he's now the only person I'm seeing, because I know the fact that I was seeing someone else irked him, and it seemed like it would be good for him to not have that feeling, at least for now.
Turns out that an hour before I messaged him, he'd said yes to someone else who'd asked him out on a date.
And now everything just feels weird. We talked for an hour ... he's adamant that nothing's changed, that he only said yes because he assumed I'm seeing someone else and it was fine. And it is fine - I can't really be unhappy about him dating other people when it's exactly what I was doing. But I just feel ... I don't know. Something.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

 

[KimGordon67]

Let me pull this thread a little bit. Why don't you plan sex?

I really don't know. I guess because there's another person involved, and I just like to see what happens in the interaction between us? And I never really know what sort of mood I'm going to be in, let alone what sort of mood the other person is going to be in.

 

[KimGordon67]

This whole 'relationship' thing is not easy. I think I've forgotten how to do a lot of the things.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

This whole 'relationship' thing is not easy. I think I've forgotten how to do a lot of the things.

Did S go on the date?