Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

Oh, local guy... I hope that he's not being too much of a flighty flip-flopper. I think that you are wise to hold back and let him do the instigating. But, unfortunately, even if he instigates, he may still decide later that he feels "pressured" again.

As for the couple, I would be curious to know more about the worries that someone will get hurt. It would make sense that they might feel that one or both of them could also get hurt. While caution and careful consideration are very important, I would think it's a strong indication that taking things farther is not for them if their nervousness and worry continue.

And Guy... you've said that you find him very interesting, that you get on well, and that he is fit and healthy. It's easy to be flippant and say "Well, what's the problem then?" I can empathize with the fact that you feel weird about the fact that he is, I'm guessing, 15-20 years older than you. It's definitely not the standard age gap for people who are romantically/sexually involved.

Yes, I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen with LG. He arrived, with a lot of fish (which was delicious), and it does look like things are back on again. Unfortunately I was a bit nervous, so decided to address that by applying a bit too much wine. We ended up in bed, which was obviously always going to happen, even though I wasn't feel sure whether it would or not. And then before he left I decided to 'sort things out' ... something I was intending to do, but a bit further down the track. It did happen because of something he said ... but unfortunately because of the wine, I can't actually remember most of the conversation. I messaged the next morning to apologise and asked if everything is OK - he laughed and said it's all good, so I guess that conversation went OK. We're not seeing each other for a couple of weeks, for various reasons ... I'll ask him then for a brief summary of events. I am aware that things could easily go back to how they were - I do remember saying something about that the other night. But I'm definitely less anxious - I'm not sure why. I'm much busier at work than I was last year, so I don't really have time to indulge in a lot of angsting, and also I'm now on HRT, which I think has just levelled me out a lot. So I'm finding it easier to take things like the fact that he came to me, and that he's still talking to me after my massive drunken blurt of everything-that-was-wrong-before-and-the-things-we-need-to-not-do-again, as evidence that things are actually OK. So we'll see what happens.

The couple ... I get where they're coming from. We'll just see how things go. If it's meant to be, it'll happen ... if it's not meant to be, I've still made two new friends, which is always a bonus.

Guy guy is 10 years older than me, so it's not a huge age gap ... that's another 'we'll see what happens' situation. I'm not entirely sure whether he's down with the whole non-monogamy thing ... although I did meet him on the swingers site, which tends to mean that people are at least a bit more flexible about such things. I did mention my lack of monogamy to him a while back and he just said 'let's talk about that if it becomes relevant'. I will say something to him about LG, if that does look like it's going to be a thing ... not detail, but just a general 'so I am seeing a bit of someone, how do we feel about that in terms of us meeting up again'. It would be easier if he was closer - he's a good five hour drive away, so seeing each other requires a bit of effort.

So, to summarise ... got laid (although can't really remember that either), things are pretty good, it's nice to be popular. Definitely need to address my drinking. Yay for hormones!

 

[Fermina_Daza]

Covid has me down. Husband is positive but asymptomatic. Boyfriend is still testing and isolating at home. Playmate was on vacation.

I love being poly, except when Covid rears it’s ugly head.

 

[KimGordon67]

Yes, I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen with LG. He arrived, with a lot of fish (which was delicious), and it does look like things are back on again. Unfortunately I was a bit nervous, so decided to address that by applying a bit too much wine. We ended up in bed, which was obviously always going to happen, even though I wasn't feel sure whether it would or not. And then before he left I decided to 'sort things out' ... something I was intending to do, but a bit further down the track. It did happen because of something he said ... but unfortunately because of the wine, I can't actually remember most of the conversation. I messaged the next morning to apologise and asked if everything is OK - he laughed and said it's all good, so I guess that conversation went OK. We're not seeing each other for a couple of weeks, for various reasons ... I'll ask him then for a brief summary of events. I am aware that things could easily go back to how they were - I do remember saying something about that the other night. But I'm definitely less anxious - I'm not sure why. I'm much busier at work than I was last year, so I don't really have time to indulge in a lot of angsting, and also I'm now on HRT, which I think has just levelled me out a lot. So I'm finding it easier to take things like the fact that he came to me, and that he's still talking to me after my massive drunken blurt of everything-that-was-wrong-before-and-the-things-we-need-to-not-do-again, as evidence that things are actually OK. So we'll see what happens.

So ... ha. Turns out the conversation I thought I'd had with LG didn't quite go the way I thought it had. After a couple of 'do you want to catch up this' ... 'I can't do this week because of other stuff going on' exchanges, I just asked if we'd decided we were going to go back to seeing a bit of each other ... apparently we 'didn't make any plans'. So I'm not really sure what that means, especially as when I ask if he wants to catch up, he makes it sound like that will happen in the future. Very confusing. But at least now I know we didn't decided to resume things, and I can stop *expecting* to see him.

 

[KimGordon67]

Covid has me down. Husband is positive but asymptomatic. Boyfriend is still testing and isolating at home. Playmate was on vacation.

I love being poly, except when Covid rears it’s ugly head.

Covid really sucks. I was just lying in bed this morning wondering if the world will ever return to some sort of normal. My workplace is like the Marie Celeste. We never have face-to-face meetings now, and meetings over Zoom just don't have the same level of engagement.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I’m really glad to see you back.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

So ... ha. Turns out the conversation I thought I'd had with LG didn't quite go the way I thought it had. After a couple of 'do you want to catch up this' ... 'I can't do this week because of other stuff going on' exchanges, I just asked if we'd decided we were going to go back to seeing a bit of each other ... apparently we 'didn't make any plans'. So I'm not really sure what that means, especially as when I ask if he wants to catch up, he makes it sound like that will happen in the future. Very confusing. But at least now I know we didn't decided to resume things, and I can stop *expecting* to see him.

He is quite the enigma.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Very confusing. But at least now I know we didn't decided to resume things, and I can stop *expecting* to see him.

He doesn’t seem like the kind of person to ”expect” much from.
I think the question that remains is if he’s the kind of person you are happy to see when he decides to turn up again.

 

[KimGordon67]

He doesn’t seem like the kind of person to ”expect” much from.
I think the question that remains is if he’s the kind of person you are happy to see when he decides to turn up again.

Yes ... I've tried to get my head around it being that. I wish I could be OK with him just rocking up when he feels like seeing me, but I don't think I can be. I'm just not that person. So I've given it my best shot to see if we can see each other in a way that works for me, and I was just myself and very honest, and that doesn't seem to have been fruitful, and it's (again) time to just walk away from that. I feel a bit more settled about it, because I don't feel like I fucked anything up - I'm just me, and I can really fuck up being myself. I'm just obviously not the person he wants, and that's fine.

But in other news, GG (the older guy) is continuing to be lovely. We can't meet up again until sometime in October, but I'm very much looking forward to it. Fingers crossed that we're sexually compatible.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yes ... I've tried to get my head around it being that. I wish I could be OK with him just rocking up when he feels like seeing me, but I don't think I can be. I'm just not that person.

Yes, it’s quite possible to like what’s on offer but still realizing it is going to give you indigestion.

But in other news, GG (the older guy) is continuing to be lovely. We can't meet up again until sometime in October, but I'm very much looking forward to it. Fingers crossed that we're sexually compatible.

Fingers crossed then!

 

[Paul_Chance]

Fingers crossed!

 

[KimGordon67]

Hello! I am alive! It's been a while ...

 

[Replicant2018]

Hello! I am alive! It's been a while ...

Welcome back!

 

[Tayloroc]

Hello! I am alive! It's been a while ...

Hello Kim. We have not met, but I read your profile which was charming. I am glad you are interested in “the lovely art of conversation” as a long-ago radio host used to say.

Take care

 

[IrisAlthea]

Hello! I am alive! It's been a while ...

Good to see you around

 

[MrRetro]

I

Hello! I am alive! It's been a while ...

It has indeed! Welcome back…

 

[Dreamliner]

Good to see you back KG.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Welcome back, Kim!!!

 

[Paul_Chance]

Welcome back! Glad to hear you're alive.

 

[Dreamliner]

KG has possibly busy surfing one of the top 12 surf breaks in the world.

 

[KimGordon67]

So, a bit of an update ... it's been a weird few months. Looking back at what was happening before ... I did meet up with GG (the older guy) in October, and spent a really nice night together. We kept messaging, and made a plan for him to come and spend two or three days with me over New Years Eve. Then a bit before Christmas I matched with a local guy on Tinder and had a great date (that's sort of it's own story). We didn't sleep together, and I wasn't really sure where that was going to go ... everyone was saying to not say anything to GG until the other thing was a bit more certain, in case it all fizzled out, but that just wasn't sitting with me very well, so I did say something to him - not a whole heap of detail, but I did explain that I wasn't really sure if it was going to amount to anything. He did know that I couldn't give him exclusivity - I'd been very clear about that from the outset - but I also know that saying you're OK with something in the abstract and dealing with the reality are two quite different things. He took a few days to think about it, and then, in the loveliest way, said he didn't think he could keep seeing me ... even he was a bit surprised by his reaction. We were both sad, but we just agreed to leave it there.

Then in February I messaged him to check on him, for very good reasons. He was happy to hear from me - said he'd been up around my way a couple of weeks beforehand and had nearly called to see if I'd like to see him. I replied that obviously I'd always be happy to see him and that conversation sort of went on, and then somehow we ended up arranging for me to visit him for a weekend, which happened in April. (I know these seem like ridiculous timeframes, but we're a six hour drive apart, so it's tricky to be spontaneous.) That was lovely, and we talked about things a bit ... he said he'd just decided life is too short, and when I said I was a bit worried about making him unhappy, he quite clearly pointed out that (a) I probably wouldn't do that; and that (b) it's his choice to be happy or unhappy. Which led to me having a sudden epiphany - I think I'm inclined to wrap myself up in knots (not the good kind of knots) over other people's happiness, but I'm not actually responsible for their happiness. Obviously I can *care* about whether they're happy or not, and if they aren't, we can try to see if we can address that, but it's not my responsibility. I feel like things make quite a bit more sense now.

So, GG was here last weekend, and we had a lovely time - lots of food, drinks, friends, and great sex. There's no real kink element, and there might never be - I feel like he might find beating me with a belt a little problematic. But we'll see - I'm always open to being surprised. The vanilla sex is great though. The way he touches me is just delicious - someone else was talking about a specific kind of touch, like the person can't quite believe that you're real, and that's how it feels - likes he just constantly happy to discover my skin under his hand. And I don't know what the fuck he's doing when he goes down on me, but it's amazing.

I have been thinking a bit about jealousy, and the other epiphany I had was that sometimes, instead of worrying about why you're not enough for someone (which I think is the root of a lot of jealousy - not all of it, but a lot, and it's definitely what GG is concerned about), try to think about whether you're getting what you want from the relationship. Our situation is such that we can't really spend any more time together than we are - so probably a weekend every month or so, with some messaging and the odd phone call in between. I really like this ... we get to lavish attention on each other when we do spend a few days together, and those times are really special. So hopefully things continue along that path, and he can be happy with that.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I was a bit worried about making him unhappy, he quite clearly pointed out that (a) I probably wouldn't do that; and that (b) it's his choice to be happy or unhappy. Which led to me having a sudden epiphany - I think I'm inclined to wrap myself up in knots (not the good kind of knots) over other people's happiness, but I'm not actually responsible for their happiness. Obviously I can *care* about whether they're happy or not, and if they aren't, we can try to see if we can address that, but it's not my responsibility. I feel like things make quite a bit more sense now.

This is so huge.

Personally though, I feel I tend to slide back into thinking I’m responsible for everyone and everything the minute I’m less vigilant about this, because of some strange mix of megalomania and insecurity.

 

[KimGordon67]

This is so huge.

Personally though, I feel I tend to slide back into thinking I’m responsible for everyone and everything the minute I’m less vigilant about this, because of some strange mix of megalomania and insecurity.

I think a lot of it is insecurity ... although I'm not exactly sure why that's how it works. I'm also just normally a fixer, so that translates into relationships far too easily. But really, most people actually don't want to fixed. It's quite difficult though ... like, GG is not in the best of health atm, and it's taking all my willpower to not start suggesting that he do this or that.
I did have a momentary panic when we were texting last night, and he said that even though we've only spent a few nights together, his bed feels empty. And I just though 'oh fuck, he's really falling for me, and I can't give him what he probably wants, and this is going to end badly'. But then I gave myself a good stern talking to. It's definitely residual stuff hanging around from the relationship with the sociopath - he had a great knack for making me responsible for everything that was going on with him. So last night I just said to myself 'it's fine that he misses me - it means he enjoys spending time with me, and that's good'. And really, who the fuck am I to decide what he does and doesn't want? He knows where things are with me, and he's a grown arse adult - he perfectly capable of deciding if he wants to spend time with me.

 

[MrRetro]

I think a lot of it is insecurity ... although I'm not exactly sure why that's how it works. I'm also just normally a fixer, so that translates into relationships far too easily. But really, most people actually don't want to fixed. It's quite difficult though ... like, GG is not in the best of health atm, and it's taking all my willpower to not start suggesting that he do this or that.
I did have a momentary panic when we were texting last night, and he said that even though we've only spent a few nights together, his bed feels empty. And I just though 'oh fuck, he's really falling for me, and I can't give him what he probably wants, and this is going to end badly'. But then I gave myself a good stern talking to. It's definitely residual stuff hanging around from the relationship with the sociopath - he had a great knack for making me responsible for everything that was going on with him. So last night I just said to myself 'it's fine that he misses me - it means he enjoys spending time with me, and that's good'. And really, who the fuck am I to decide what he does and doesn't want? He knows where things are with me, and he's a grown arse adult - he perfectly capable of deciding if he wants to spend time with me.

Well said Kim, it’s all too easy to fall into these traps. We are all responsible for ourselves.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I think a lot of it is insecurity ... although I'm not exactly sure why that's how it works. I'm also just normally a fixer, so that translates into relationships far too easily. But really, most people actually don't want to fixed. It's quite difficult though ... like, GG is not in the best of health atm, and it's taking all my willpower to not start suggesting that he do this or that.
I did have a momentary panic when we were texting last night, and he said that even though we've only spent a few nights together, his bed feels empty. And I just though 'oh fuck, he's really falling for me, and I can't give him what he probably wants, and this is going to end badly'. But then I gave myself a good stern talking to. It's definitely residual stuff hanging around from the relationship with the sociopath - he had a great knack for making me responsible for everything that was going on with him. So last night I just said to myself 'it's fine that he misses me - it means he enjoys spending time with me, and that's good'. And really, who the fuck am I to decide what he does and doesn't want? He knows where things are with me, and he's a grown arse adult - he perfectly capable of deciding if he wants to spend time with me.

You'd think that being a grown arse adult would make a difference - LOL - but that is not always the case. You are correct though in the we shouldn't overthink or overanalyze everything that is said, especially when a person is expressing some sort of emotional state. Some people just choose weird metaphors or make strange associations in their expressions. It's a good practice to just let them sit for a while and if they made you curious ask about them later.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

That was lovely, and we talked about things a bit ... he said he'd just decided life is too short, and when I said I was a bit worried about making him unhappy, he quite clearly pointed out that (a) I probably wouldn't do that; and that (b) it's his choice to be happy or unhappy. Which led to me having a sudden epiphany - I think I'm inclined to wrap myself up in knots (not the good kind of knots) over other people's happiness, but I'm not actually responsible for their happiness. Obviously I can *care* about whether they're happy or not, and if they aren't, we can try to see if we can address that, but it's not my responsibility. I feel like things make quite a bit more sense now.

It's a bit embarrassing, as a 52 year old person, to admit that I still need, from time to time, to remind myself that I am solely responsible for my happiness.

I have been thinking a bit about jealousy, and the other epiphany I had was that sometimes, instead of worrying about why you're not enough for someone (which I think is the root of a lot of jealousy - not all of it, but a lot, and it's definitely what GG is concerned about), try to think about whether you're getting what you want from the relationship. Our situation is such that we can't really spend any more time together than we are - so probably a weekend every month or so, with some messaging and the odd phone call in between. I really like this ... we get to lavish attention on each other when we do spend a few days together, and those times are really special. So hopefully things continue along that path, and he can be happy with that.

I think that this is such sage advice. Don't focus on the time/attention/resources that someone else is receiving and whether or not it's more than you are receiving. Focus solely on your own needs and whether or not they are being met. If they are being met, why does it matter what anyone else is receiving? That's how I try to make myself look at the situation. Sometimes I am more successful than others.