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Laughter is Contagious

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Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
 
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah!"

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"

So she pulls up her dress and says...

"My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
 
The Cat

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, Covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the Local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened The front door to leave
the house. The cat we put out in the yard, Scoots back into the house. We
didn't want the cat shut in the house Because she always tries to eat the
bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get The cat. The cat
runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the Cab, my wife doesn't
want the driver to know that the house will be Empty for the night. So, she
explains to the taxi driver that I will be Out soon, "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took So long," I said, as
we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under The bed. Had to poke her
with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She Tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her In a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her Fat ass downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...
 
From dee957 ...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t all over her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh*t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f***ing good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
 
techsan said:
From dee957 ...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t all over her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh*t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f***ing good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Click to expand...


Good morning {{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}

That is hysterical!!!
 
School

A primary school teacher decided to see how
many of the city kids knew what sounds farm
animals made. She asked the kids to put their
hands up if they knew the correct sound.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes ?" she asked.

Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo !"

"Very good," replied the teacher.

"What sound does a sheep make ?"

"Baaaa !" answered Jimmy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked,
"What sound does a pig make ?"

All the hands in the class went up. She chose
Little Johnny at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed,
"Up against the wall, mother-fucker !"
 
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
 
Sunday morning sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
 
The other day, I had to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I went to the Army-Navy store, and bought some OD pants and a shirt. Then I sewed a couple of patches which I had grabbed from the internet..

It was amazing how many people left as I walked in. I guess they suddenly decided they weren't that sick after all..

Here is the patch that you can sew on your clothing if you are in need of quicker emergency service.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Patch.jpg
 
 
 
A Twisted Tale Of Murder

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the Case:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person, who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended , is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B".

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually Murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt
 
Q & A's...

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff
in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf
ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that
kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and
"aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a
wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a
husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird
of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the
morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
 
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."
 
limiwa said:
The Cat

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, Covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the Local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened The front door to leave
the house. The cat we put out in the yard, Scoots back into the house. We
didn't want the cat shut in the house Because she always tries to eat the
bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get The cat. The cat
runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the Cab, my wife doesn't
want the driver to know that the house will be Empty for the night. So, she
explains to the taxi driver that I will be Out soon, "He's just going
upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took So long," I said, as
we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under The bed. Had to poke her
with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She Tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her In a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her Fat ass downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...
Click to expand...


LMAOROFF​

LMAOROFF​
 
Ohhh this is tooo funny!!!! :D

I'll probably get letters! :rolleyes:



Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that
3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
 
copperbutterfly said:
Ohhh this is tooo funny!!!! :D

I'll probably get letters! :rolleyes:



Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that
3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
Click to expand...

LMAO :D
 
Equal time for the other guys!!!!


Cryptography

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive",
Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the
NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6
for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply:

"Tell the FBI that Kennedy's holding the message upside down."
 
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