Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

LMFAO!

 

[techsan]

Equal time for the other guys!!!!


Cryptography

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive",
Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the
NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6
for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply:

"Tell the FBI that Kennedy's holding the message upside down."

R O T F L M A O !
That's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time!

 

[copperbutterfly]

R O T F L M A O !
That's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time!

With so much wonderful humor here???? Hi there sweetums! I hope you are doing well on this Saturday evening!

 

[rab302]

You do what you have to

A piece of string tried to get into a bar. The bartender told him "Get out, we don't serve your kind here." The poor little piece of string tried and tried over and over to get in the bar, always with the same result.

The string then went around the back of the bar and curled around himself and fanned out the top end of his strands then went back into the bar. The bartender yelled "Get out of here, you are that same piece of string!"

The string replied, "No, I'm afraid not."

 

[pleaz_me]

ROFLMAO!!!!

These are all great!

 

[Kowboy]

Ohhh this is tooo funny!!!!

I'll probably get letters!



Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that
3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

butterfly,

This was very good! It made me lol!

 

[LovelyOnes]

A piece of string tried to get into a bar. The bartender told him "Get out, we don't serve your kind here." The poor little piece of string tried and tried over and over to get in the bar, always with the same result.

The string then went around the back of the bar and curled around himself and fanned out the top end of his strands then went back into the bar. The bartender yelled "Get out of here, you are that same piece of string!"

The string replied, "No, I'm afraid not."

OK - I apologise for how bad these 'walks into a bar' jokes are.....

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says "I've lost my electron." The others says, "Are you sure?". The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive!".

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A peanut walks into a bar.....and was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says "A beer for me and one for the road."

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[rab302]

OK - I apologise for how bad these 'walks into a bar' jokes are.....

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says "I've lost my electron." The others says, "Are you sure?". The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive!".

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A peanut walks into a bar.....and was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says "A beer for me and one for the road."

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Those are great. I'm gonna steal them. (I'll credit you of course)

 

[LovelyOnes]

Those are great. I'm gonna steal them. (I'll credit you of course)

Don't have any more bar ones but here's a few more that you might like....

Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was terrific.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows are standing in a field. One says "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you", says the second. "It's true, no bull!!!" the first cow replies.

An invisible man married and invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers but I couldn't find them.

I went to a seafood disco last week and danced so much I pulled a mussel.

 

[LovelyOnes]

You know how when you were a kid your parents lined you up against a doorframe and marked how tall you were and dated the mark????

Well, this brings a whole new theory to that exercise.....

 

[rab302]

You know how when you were a kid your parents lined you up against a doorframe and marked how tall you were and dated the mark????

Well, this brings a whole new theory to that exercise.....

Hilarious, but saw that one before. Still funny though.

 

[hdlynnette]

8 Inches.....what Am I ?

THE

RANGE

OF

8

INCHES

LONG.

THE

FUNCTIONING

OF

WHICH

IS

ENJOYED

BY

MEMBERS

OF

BOTH

SEXES.

IS

USUALLY

FOUND

HUNG,

DANGLING

READY

LOOSLEY

FOR

INSTANT

ACTION.

IT

BOASTS

OF

A

CLUMP

OF

LITTLE

HAIRY

THINGS

AT

ONE

END

AND

SMALL

HOLE

AT

THE

OTHER.

IN

USE,

IT

IS

INSERTED,

ALMOST

ALWAYS

WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES

SLOWLY,

SOMETIMES

QUICKLY,

INTO

A

WARM,

FLESHY,

MOIST

OPENING

WHERE

IT

IS

THRUST

IN

AND

DRAWN

OUT

AGAIN

AND

AGAIN

MANY

TIMES

IN

SUCCESSION,

OFTEN

QUICKLY

AND

ACCOMPANIED

BY

SQUIRMING

BODILY

MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE

FOUND

LISTENING

IN

WILL

MOST

SURELY

RECOGNIZE

THE

RHYTHMIC,

PULSING

SOUND,

RESULTING

FROM

THE

WELL

LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS.

WHEN

FINALLY

WITHDRAWN,

IT

LEAVES

BEHIND

A

JUICY,

FROTHY,

WHITE

STICKY

SUBSTANCE,

SOME

OF

WHICH

WILL

NEED

CLEANING

FROM

THE

OUTER

SURFACES

OF

THE

OPENING

AND

SOME

OF

FROM

ITS

LONG

GLISTENING

SHAFT.

AFTER

EVERYTHING

IS

DONE

AND

THE

FLOWING

AND

CLEANSING

LIQUIDS

HAVE

CEASED

EMANATING,

IT

IS

RETURNED

TO

ITS

FREELY

HANGING

STATE

OF

REST,

READY

YET

FOR

ANOTHER

BIT

OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY

REACHING

ITS

BRISTLING

CLIMAX

TWICE

OR

THREE

TIMES

A

DAY,

BUT

OFTEN

MUCH

LESS.



WHAT AM I?



AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,

THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..

> > > > > > > >

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> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

TOOTHBRUSH...

what were you

thinking?

You PERVERTS!






GOTCHA!​

 

[techsan]

ROTFLMAO!

hdlynnette, you led me astray with that one!

 

[wally2450]

Quick thinking

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too
much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French
blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What
do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

 

[wally2450]

Group of Nuns

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled. The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister," he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "Son...", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me."

At that, the car floated up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

 

[copperbutterfly]

Evolution of Dance


This link is so funny!!!

Kayte...I loved this and sent the link to many friends!!!! Thank you!

 

[Mr Duncan 001]

Great Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end of the pool He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the director on Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded your act shows sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, he's dead. Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself , I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

[Mr Duncan 001]

One more blonde joke.

It's not too often that you hear a joke about blonde guys...

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would
Dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved
On to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy
Digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
What they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the
Effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do <

You dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
Again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
Probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today
the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

 

[Mr Duncan 001]

Only in Texas

A Texas Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the Highway Patrolman "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

[LovelyOnes]

Office Dares

Just to help your week go by quicker, here are some point scoring dares. Make a pact with a few close colleagues, and the person who reaches the highest score for the week is the winner….

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at tope speed.
2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmmm, that feels sooooooo good!!!”
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding in the lift, gasp dramatically every time the door opens.

THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot at him/her with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be at least one non-player within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem. (extra 2 points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For and hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob”.
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
5. After every sentence, say “mon” is a really bad Jamaican accent. Eg. “the report’s on your desk, mon”. Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!!!”
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As God is my witness I’ll never go hungry again”.
9. In a colleague’s diary, write in the 10am slot “See how I look in tights”.
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”
11. Repeat the following 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” (they’ll say “What?”) “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say “I can’t talk about it”
13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig etc) during a very important conference call.
14. Hang a two foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

 

[Sloppykitten]

Never Argue With a Woman

*again...can't remember if I posted this one yet or not *

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

 

[Sloppykitten]

Not a joke...just something nice for all those parents out there....


www.paete.org/parentswish/site01/big.html

 

[Sloppykitten]

The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, "Mommy what's that between your legs?"

She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, "Grandma what's that between your legs?"

She replied, "That's my squirrel."

The little boy said, "Mommy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours."

Grandma replied, "Well, your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!"

 

[Sloppykitten]

Pet Rules

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (That's why they call it "fur"niture)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

 

[techsan]

A Texas Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the Highway Patrolman "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

ROTFLMAO