Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
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The Top Ten Things Men Know "FOR SURE" About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Boobs.gif
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Boobs.gif
LovelyOnes
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 589
> Three Turtles
> Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick
> packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the
> picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
> When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me
> the bottle opener."
> "I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
> Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle
> opener??"
> Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home
> without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but
> he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
> After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives
> that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets
> off down the road at a steady pace.
> Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are
> starving, but a promise is a promise.
> Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
> Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich
> each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a
> rock and shouts........
> "I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"
> Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick
> packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the
> picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
> When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me
> the bottle opener."
> "I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
> Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle
> opener??"
> Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home
> without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but
> he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
> After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives
> that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets
> off down the road at a steady pace.
> Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are
> starving, but a promise is a promise.
> Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
> Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich
> each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a
> rock and shouts........
> "I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"
techsan
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- 6,165
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name tag that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at him in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's okay; he knows the manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she would have to consult with the bank manager. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says . . .
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at him in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's okay; he knows the manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she would have to consult with the bank manager. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says . . .
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
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- 6,165
From limiwa ...
You know what they say about food ... it's all about presentation, right? Remember, it is ALL food!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Food01.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Food02.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Food03.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/food04.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Food05.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Food06.jpg
You know what they say about food ... it's all about presentation, right? Remember, it is ALL food!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Food01.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Food02.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Food03.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/food04.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Food05.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Food06.jpg
LovelyOnes
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 589
Revenge
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a
reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what
you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and
they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits
patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen
minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells
them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the
woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she
replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon
down, and you shit on its head.
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a
reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what
you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and
they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits
patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen
minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells
them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the
woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she
replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon
down, and you shit on its head.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Funnies
Bill was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he went in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.
"Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him a girl had just rated him a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to burst your bubble," his friend replied, "but when you came in, they were speaking German."
========
It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security".
For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel "secure".
========
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.
One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And the best too.
Bill was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he went in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.
"Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him a girl had just rated him a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to burst your bubble," his friend replied, "but when you came in, they were speaking German."
========
It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security".
For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel "secure".
========
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.
One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And the best too.
LovelyOnes
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 589
OK so this may push the some boundaries but oh well here goes...
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was
this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business
either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her
to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, " Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved,
"I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was
this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business
either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her
to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, " Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved,
"I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Beaudreaux and Clarence
Boudreaux live across the bayou from Clarence who he don like at all. Dey
all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to
Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you
up good, yeah!"
Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou
right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "now is you chance,
Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"
Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de
bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.
Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"
And Boudreaux say, "Marie I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat
Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say,
"Clarence 13ft. 6in." You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him
across the bayou."
Boudreaux live across the bayou from Clarence who he don like at all. Dey
all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to
Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you
up good, yeah!"
Dis went on for years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou
right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "now is you chance,
Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"
Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de
bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.
Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"
And Boudreaux say, "Marie I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat
Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say,
"Clarence 13ft. 6in." You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him
across the bayou."
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse,
I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth
was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury,
and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident
occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife,
Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There
was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it
wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our
new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging
between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my
masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was
fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully
impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to
the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse,
I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth
was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury,
and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident
occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife,
Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There
was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it
wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our
new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging
between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my
masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was
fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully
impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to
the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about
my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,
which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
Husband/Wife Arrangement
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was
a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised
to find her husband in a very drunken state. During
the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
was going through a process of corporate downsizing,
and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the
age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that
paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed
more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest
totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him
certificates of deposit issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were
one of the largest depositors in the bank. She
explained that for the more than three decades she had
"charged" him for sex, these holdings ha d multiplied
and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over
$3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and
blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was
a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised
to find her husband in a very drunken state. During
the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
was going through a process of corporate downsizing,
and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the
age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that
paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed
more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest
totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him
certificates of deposit issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were
one of the largest depositors in the bank. She
explained that for the more than three decades she had
"charged" him for sex, these holdings ha d multiplied
and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over
$3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but finally he found his voice and
blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Funnies
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter came into the room. Never having seen anyone
breast-feed before, she was full of questions.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom
has some of those too, but the only one who gets to
use them is Daddy"
=========
Pesticides have definitely been linked to low sperm
counts. If you have bugs down there that are so bad
you need to use a pesticide, you aren't gonna get any
dates anyway. - Jay Leno
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter came into the room. Never having seen anyone
breast-feed before, she was full of questions.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom
has some of those too, but the only one who gets to
use them is Daddy"
=========
Pesticides have definitely been linked to low sperm
counts. If you have bugs down there that are so bad
you need to use a pesticide, you aren't gonna get any
dates anyway. - Jay Leno
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
LovelyOnes said:
LMAO ROFF
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
So much funny stuff!!!! I hope you'll enjoy this little contribution!
Mgmt 101
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
The girl said, "NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor; you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.
The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200. Then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened.
She said, "The bastard used quarters!"
**Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Mgmt 101
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
The girl said, "NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor; you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.
The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200. Then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened.
She said, "The bastard used quarters!"
**Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
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