Laughter is Contagious
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pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
GORILLA MATING
A small zoo in Arkansas had a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem: the gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.
1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The
Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the chil'run raised Southern Baptist."
Once again, the Keeper agreed.
4. "And last of all," Bobby Lee stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
A small zoo in Arkansas had a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem: the gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.
1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The
Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the chil'run raised Southern Baptist."
Once again, the Keeper agreed.
4. "And last of all," Bobby Lee stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
Bedtime Rhymes for BIG kids
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
___________________________________________
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
___________________________________________
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
___________________________________________
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"
___________________________________________
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
___________________________________________
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
___________________________________________
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
___________________________________________
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
__________________________________________________________
Alright... I didn't say they were all good!
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
___________________________________________
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
___________________________________________
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
___________________________________________
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"
___________________________________________
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
___________________________________________
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
___________________________________________
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
___________________________________________
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
__________________________________________________________
Alright... I didn't say they were all good!
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr. Wong, what will
you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr. Wong, what will
you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
ROTFLMAO ... no, but I will. I wish nursery rhymes had been like that when I was little. I was litle once, wasn't I?pleaz_me said:Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
___________________________________________
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
___________________________________________
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
___________________________________________
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"
___________________________________________
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
___________________________________________
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
___________________________________________
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
___________________________________________
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
__________________________________________________________
Alright... I didn't say they were all good!
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
U.S. Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist
The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.
The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Terrorist01.jpg
The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.
The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Terrorist01.jpg
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From pleaz_me ...
And a public service announcement for Mexico:
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Immigration.jpg
FROM: THE INVESTIGATIVE REPORTS BUREAU
The latest polling shows that
Forty-three percent of all Americans say that immigration is a serious problem.
The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés"
And a public service announcement for Mexico:
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Immigration.jpg
FROM: THE INVESTIGATIVE REPORTS BUREAU
The latest polling shows that
Forty-three percent of all Americans say that immigration is a serious problem.
The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Perfect Wife
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a girl who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another girl and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a girl who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a girl who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another girl and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a girl who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Einstein
March 14 was the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday... he would have been 107. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
March 14 was the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday... he would have been 107. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
MsBug
curiously astray
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 1,897
PET RULES
To be posted on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR, and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember, Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
To be posted on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR, and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember, Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
You are a South African bush pilot. You fly in some critical medical supplies, enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.
It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the cool, high blue yonder.
On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade, within 1 mile, has become very popular . . . You start calculating the distance to the plane door and wonder ...
"Do I feel lucky today?"
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/BushPlane.jpg
It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the cool, high blue yonder.
On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade, within 1 mile, has become very popular . . . You start calculating the distance to the plane door and wonder ...
"Do I feel lucky today?"
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/BushPlane.jpg
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
BREAKING NEWS !!!
Muslim Heaven, June 13, 2006
Al Qaeda leader "Abu Musab al-Zarqawi", killed by US Forces in Iraq last week, has just met with the first of his 72 virgins that Allah promised !!
Daily News reporter Jack Hoff captured THIS exclusive photo of Mr. al-Zarqawi with his first virgin.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/AlQaeda01.jpg
"ALLAH IS GOOD"
May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you are dead !!!
Muslim Heaven, June 13, 2006
Al Qaeda leader "Abu Musab al-Zarqawi", killed by US Forces in Iraq last week, has just met with the first of his 72 virgins that Allah promised !!
Daily News reporter Jack Hoff captured THIS exclusive photo of Mr. al-Zarqawi with his first virgin.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/AlQaeda01.jpg
"ALLAH IS GOOD"
May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you are dead !!!
Mr Duncan 001
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 10, 2005
- Posts
- 1,574
Retirement Bonus
RETIREMENT BONUS
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement, a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks that the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
RETIREMENT BONUS
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement, a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks that the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
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