Laughter is Contagious
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wally2450
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The Purina Diet
I used to have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog (what a question).
On impulse, I told her no. I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked how I wound up in the hospital. Had I been poisoned?
I told her no, that I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I used to have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog (what a question).
On impulse, I told her no. I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked how I wound up in the hospital. Had I been poisoned?
I told her no, that I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
wally2450
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Big Date
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a
gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up
the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I
having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked
the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South
Carolina.
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested,
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood,
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you
like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did."
Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and
as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing
to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh . mmmm how would you like to stop
at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right
then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman
awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed
and with remorse thought, "What have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing,
whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to
smoke and drink to have a good time'"
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a
gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up
the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I
having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked
the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South
Carolina.
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested,
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood,
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you
like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did."
Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and
as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing
to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh . mmmm how would you like to stop
at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right
then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman
awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed
and with remorse thought, "What have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing,
whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to
smoke and drink to have a good time'"
wally2450
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Little Birds
Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they
say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying?
It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very
fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures
are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short.
These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can
generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these
birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making
clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens,
however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky
person they befriend.
This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of
the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who
just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question
is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the
reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.
Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they
say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying?
It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very
fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures
are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short.
These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can
generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these
birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making
clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens,
however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky
person they befriend.
This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of
the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who
just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question
is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the
reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
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This may not be funny haha but I thought it was humorour...
NEW DELHI - In an effort to keep monkeys out of the New Delhi subways,
authorities have called in one of the few animals known to scare the
creatures — a fierce-looking primate called the langur, the Hindustan
Times newspaper reported Wednesday.
The decision to hire a langurwallah — a man who trains and controls the
langurs — came after a monkey got into a metro car in June, the newspaper
reported.
The langur handler is being paid a retainer of India rupees 6,900 ($160) a
month, and "he will be called whenever there is a monkey problem," Anuj
Dayal, the spokesman for the Delhi Metro Rail Corp., was quoted as saying.
On June 9, a monkey reportedly crawled through some pipes and ended up
aboard a train, scowling at passengers and jumping around a car.
Passengers had to be moved to another car while staff chased the dexterous
creature, causing delays.
The langur handler was being employed to prevent more such problems.
"There are too many monkeys," Dayal was quoted as saying
NEW DELHI - In an effort to keep monkeys out of the New Delhi subways,
authorities have called in one of the few animals known to scare the
creatures — a fierce-looking primate called the langur, the Hindustan
Times newspaper reported Wednesday.
The decision to hire a langurwallah — a man who trains and controls the
langurs — came after a monkey got into a metro car in June, the newspaper
reported.
The langur handler is being paid a retainer of India rupees 6,900 ($160) a
month, and "he will be called whenever there is a monkey problem," Anuj
Dayal, the spokesman for the Delhi Metro Rail Corp., was quoted as saying.
On June 9, a monkey reportedly crawled through some pipes and ended up
aboard a train, scowling at passengers and jumping around a car.
Passengers had to be moved to another car while staff chased the dexterous
creature, causing delays.
The langur handler was being employed to prevent more such problems.
"There are too many monkeys," Dayal was quoted as saying
techsan
...just chugging along
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Potentially and Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically? "The father thought
for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then,ask your brother
if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell
me what you learn! n from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We
could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a
great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do
you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially,
you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically,
we're living with two hookers and a homo.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically? "The father thought
for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then,ask your brother
if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell
me what you learn! n from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We
could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a
great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad
Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do
you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially,
you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically,
we're living with two hookers and a homo.
Sloppykitten
Literotica Guru
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Why Wedding Dresses are White
Son asked his mother the following question: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son says, "Thank you, Mum," and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
Son asked his mother the following question: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son says, "Thank you, Mum," and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
Sloppykitten
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Blonde Cowboy
The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots so he arrested him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "What in the world are you doing dressed like that"?
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff.....I was in a bar down the road and this pretty lil red head asks me to go to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me pull off my pants...So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull of shorts...So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,"Now go to town cowboy.......
.....and here I am."
"Son of a gun.......Blonde men DO exist!!!!!"
The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots so he arrested him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "What in the world are you doing dressed like that"?
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff.....I was in a bar down the road and this pretty lil red head asks me to go to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me pull off my pants...So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull of shorts...So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,"Now go to town cowboy.......
.....and here I am."
"Son of a gun.......Blonde men DO exist!!!!!"
Sloppykitten
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Hmmm...is this good or bad?????
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the new business site and read the card, "Rest in Peace". Angry, he called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on your new location"
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the new business site and read the card, "Rest in Peace". Angry, he called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on your new location"
Sloppykitten
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Sunbathing
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Sloppykitten
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Is it time?
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
Sloppykitten
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Careful what you wish for...you just might get it!
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "How about you?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with great legs who agrees with everything I say."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "How about you?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with great legs who agrees with everything I say."
Sloppykitten
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Daily Groaner
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.
"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.
"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
Sloppykitten
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Kitties' New Year's Resolutions.....
I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LENGTH!!!! IT'S QUITE LONG.....
"Cat Resolutions"
1. My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
2. I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum when she sits back down.
3. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
4. I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially in front of company.
5. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
6. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
7. I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.
8. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
9. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur)
10. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
11. I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)
12. I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
13. I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."
14. I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.
15. I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
16. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
17. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
18. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
19. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves
20. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
21. I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
22. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my butt.
23. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
24. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
25. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
26. Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.
27. When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite on my own foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
28. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
29. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
30. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
31. I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
32. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
33. Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.
34. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
35. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
36. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
37. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
38. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
39. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.
40. I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
41. I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
42. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
43. Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
44. I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
45. I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.
46. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
47. I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
48. I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
49. I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
50. I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
51. I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
52. I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
53. If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
54. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
55. I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
56. After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces.
57. A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LENGTH!!!! IT'S QUITE LONG.....
"Cat Resolutions"
1. My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
2. I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum when she sits back down.
3. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
4. I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially in front of company.
5. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
6. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
7. I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.
8. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
9. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur)
10. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
11. I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)
12. I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
13. I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."
14. I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.
15. I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
16. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
17. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
18. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
19. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves
20. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
21. I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
22. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my butt.
23. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
24. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
25. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
26. Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.
27. When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite on my own foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
28. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
29. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
30. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
31. I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
32. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
33. Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.
34. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
35. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
36. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
37. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
38. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
39. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.
40. I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
41. I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
42. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
43. Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
44. I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
45. I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.
46. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
47. I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
48. I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
49. I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
50. I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
51. I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
52. I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
53. If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
54. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
55. I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
56. After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces.
57. A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
This is a fun little quiz. See how many you get right.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators
nor the participants know the score or the leader until
the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly
moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their
own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables
must be replanted every year. What are the only two
perennial vegetables?
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in
possession of the team on defense, and the offensive
team can score without touching the ball?
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with
a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe,
and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way.
How did the pear get inside the bottle?
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the
letters "dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.*
8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can
you name at least half of them?
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los
Angeles Lakers?
10. There are 7 ways a baseball player can legally reach
first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls
(a walk) is one way. Name the other 6.
11. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen,
canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
12. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet
beginning with the letter "s."
============================================================
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends....boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward.... Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons: asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team
on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball...
baseball.
5. The fruit with its seeds on the outside....strawberry.
6. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle.
(The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are
wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing
season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
7. Three English words beginning with dw.....dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
{*Actually, this question was asked once on "West Wing." But, they left out a
fourth word: "dweeb."}
8. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar....period, comma,
colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,
quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
[isn't the dash and hyphen the same thing?]
9. The original lakes referred to in Lakers.... in Minnesota. (The team
was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they
moved west.)
10. Seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without
getting a hit..taking a base on balls (a walk), batter hit by a
pitch, passed ball, catcher interference, catcher drops third strike,
fielder's choice, and being designated as a pinch-runner.
[Come on, baseball heads. Isn't the passed ball only valid when the
catcher drops the third strike?]
11. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh....lettuce.
12. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s"....
shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators
nor the participants know the score or the leader until
the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly
moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their
own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables
must be replanted every year. What are the only two
perennial vegetables?
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in
possession of the team on defense, and the offensive
team can score without touching the ball?
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with
a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe,
and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way.
How did the pear get inside the bottle?
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the
letters "dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.*
8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can
you name at least half of them?
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los
Angeles Lakers?
10. There are 7 ways a baseball player can legally reach
first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls
(a walk) is one way. Name the other 6.
11. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen,
canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
12. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet
beginning with the letter "s."
============================================================
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends....boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward.... Niagara Falls
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons: asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team
on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball...
baseball.
5. The fruit with its seeds on the outside....strawberry.
6. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle.
(The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are
wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing
season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
7. Three English words beginning with dw.....dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
{*Actually, this question was asked once on "West Wing." But, they left out a
fourth word: "dweeb."}
8. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar....period, comma,
colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,
quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
[isn't the dash and hyphen the same thing?]
9. The original lakes referred to in Lakers.... in Minnesota. (The team
was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they
moved west.)
10. Seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without
getting a hit..taking a base on balls (a walk), batter hit by a
pitch, passed ball, catcher interference, catcher drops third strike,
fielder's choice, and being designated as a pinch-runner.
[Come on, baseball heads. Isn't the passed ball only valid when the
catcher drops the third strike?]
11. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh....lettuce.
12. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s"....
shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Turn on your sound and listen to this ...
http://www.aozing.com/funny/rake_bush4.swf
http://www.aozing.com/funny/rake_bush4.swf
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
HELP!
I need to find out what store sells this mirror!
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Doctors Receptionist
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it...
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,"Yes?"
" There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it...
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,"Yes?"
" There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Should make some guys think b/4 they .............
do something they shouldn't
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/U-Z/washis.jpg
do something they shouldn't
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/U-Z/washis.jpg
Sloppykitten
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2006
- Posts
- 848
Remarkable Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one Knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost In bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such Value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early Bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived By simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and Reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His Health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but Overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old Boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens Suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher Fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his Condition. Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to Get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not Inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an Abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and Criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense Finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a Steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was Awarded a huge financial settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death By his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few Realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, Join the majority and do nothing.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one Knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost In bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such Value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early Bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived By simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and Reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His Health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but Overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old Boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens Suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher Fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his Condition. Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to Get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not Inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an Abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and Criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense Finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a Steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was Awarded a huge financial settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death By his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few Realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, Join the majority and do nothing.
- Status
