Laughter is Contagious

[wally2450]

Ooops!

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he
comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see
several doctors standing around his bed. "There's
been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm
afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to
perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina
instead of a penis."

"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never
experience another erection?"

"Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not
yours."

 

[wally2450]

Jewish Conversion

Although born to a good Irish-Catholic family, Colm had always wanted to
be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go
through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester.
Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the
conversion.

On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.

The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must
discuss my fee, It's $500."

"Holy Mother! $5,000!" exclaimed Colm , "That's a lot of money. How
about $50?"

"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.

 

[wally2450]

Facts of Life...

* Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too
much fraternizing with the enemy.

* There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the
shore like an idiot.

* Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked
in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

* Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already
tomorrow in Australia.(unless you're in Australia -then
start worrying)

* Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read.

* Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think
you are.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled
by their maker.

* A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps
back to admire his work..

* A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially
if she winks back.

* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

* The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

* If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky
diving.

* A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't
understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions

 

[wally2450]

If you...

:d :d

 

[kayte]

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he
comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see
several doctors standing around his bed. "There's
been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm
afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to
perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina
instead of a penis."

"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never
experience another erection?"

"Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not
yours."

LMAO! Thank you wally!

 

[kayte]

* Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too
much fraternizing with the enemy.

* There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the
shore like an idiot.

* Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked
in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

* Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already
tomorrow in Australia.(unless you're in Australia -then
start worrying)

* Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read.

* Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think
you are.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled
by their maker.

* A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps
back to admire his work..

* A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially
if she winks back.

* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

* The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

* If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky
diving.

* A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't
understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions

You share such special ones wally.

 

[techsan]

Southern Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

[wally2450]

Southern Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

LOL!!

 

[wally2450]

Outhouse

A little boy living in the country hates his family's outhouse-which sits on the edge of a creek-because its hot in the summer, cold in the winter and it always creaks. One spring day, there's a huge rain shower and the creek swells. The boy decides that this is his chance to get rid of the stink shack, so he grabs a stick and pushes the outhouse into the rising creek and it floats away. That night the boy's father tells him to get prepared for a spanking.
"What did I do wrong?" the boy asks.
"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today," the father replied. "It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy admits to the deed, then adds, "I learned in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get in trouble because he told his dad the truth."
"But son," the father says, "Washington's dad wasn't in the cherry tree."

 

[kayte]

Southern Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Awwww {{{{{{{{techie}}}}}}} That is priceless!!

 

[kayte]

A little boy living in the country hates his family's outhouse-which sits on the edge of a creek-because its hot in the summer, cold in the winter and it always creaks. One spring day, there's a huge rain shower and the creek swells. The boy decides that this is his chance to get rid of the stink shack, so he grabs a stick and pushes the outhouse into the rising creek and it floats away. That night the boy's father tells him to get prepared for a spanking.
"What did I do wrong?" the boy asks.
"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today," the father replied. "It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy admits to the deed, then adds, "I learned in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get in trouble because he told his dad the truth."
"But son," the father says, "Washington's dad wasn't in the cherry tree."

ROTFLMAO! That is fantastic wally!

 

[pleaz_me]

Who says blondes are dumb?

One day, about a month ago, the President was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - a blonde, a red-head, and a brunette.

To the red-head he said, "I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

The red-head replied, "Two hundred dollars."

To the brunette, he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars."

He then asked the blonde the same question.

The blonde replied, "Mr. President:
If you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes,
Get my panties as low as my wages,
Get that thing of yours as hard as the times,
Keep it as high as the gas prices,
Keep me warmer than my apartment,
and screw me in private the way you do in public,

Then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."

 

[pleaz_me]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,"Is it true they're suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer."And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all

them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when
he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin' . . .
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser
fer all them ugly women I slept with ?"

 

[techsan]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and
resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left
her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had
been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation,
they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to
turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her
glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old
man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during
the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he
became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally
arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.......

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit
card."

 

[pleaz_me]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and
resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left
her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had
been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation,
they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to
turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her
glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old
man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during
the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he
became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally
arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.......

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit
card."

ROFLMAO!!!!!​

 

[techsan]

From pleaz_me ...

This is the new sign being erected on the Interstate exits where fuel is available...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/Fuel.jpg

 

[kayte]

One day, about a month ago, the President was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - a blonde, a red-head, and a brunette.

To the red-head he said, "I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

The red-head replied, "Two hundred dollars."

To the brunette, he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars."

He then asked the blonde the same question.

The blonde replied, "Mr. President:
If you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes,
Get my panties as low as my wages,
Get that thing of yours as hard as the times,
Keep it as high as the gas prices,
Keep me warmer than my apartment,
and screw me in private the way you do in public,

Then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."

Thank you {{{{{{Pleaz me}}}}}} That is hysterical.

 

[kayte]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and
resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left
her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had
been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation,
they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to
turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her
glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old
man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during
the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he
became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally
arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.......

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit
card."

LMAO Thank you {{{{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}}} And thank you for putting Pleaz me's sign up too.

 

[wally2450]

Oops!

George went to his friend's house and asked to be put up for the night
because he had a fight with his wife.

"What happened?" the friend asked.

"When I got home tonight I was really beat, tired as a dog. So when she
asked me for fifty bucks for a new dress, I guess I must have been half
asleep or something, because I said, 'All right, but let's finish the
dictation first.'"

 

[wally2450]

86 Rules of Boozing (hope no repost)

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

 

[wally2450]

Special Notice

:d :d

 

[pleaz_me]

George went to his friend's house and asked to be put up for the night
because he had a fight with his wife.

"What happened?" the friend asked.

"When I got home tonight I was really beat, tired as a dog. So when she
asked me for fifty bucks for a new dress, I guess I must have been half
asleep or something, because I said, 'All right, but let's finish the
dictation first.'"

Oops!

 

[pleaz_me]

:d :d

LMAO!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Fluttering in with a funny!!!


Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

Then I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the male waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands; shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know what my colleagues do, but I use the spoon."

 

[copperbutterfly]

One more????


Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. It seems a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until the customer came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.