Laughter is Contagious

[pleaz_me]

Fluttering in with a funny!!!


Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

Then I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the male waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands; shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know what my colleagues do, but I use the spoon."

***Spew*** That was hilarious Copper!

 

[pleaz_me]

One more????


Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. It seems a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until the customer came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes, I'm sure the blonde part is irrelevant

 

[copperbutterfly]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes, I'm sure the blonde part is irrelevant

I can't imagine why it would be revelant!!!!

 

[copperbutterfly]

***Spew*** That was hilarious Copper!

I'm going to watch very carefully where my utensils come from!!!! In fact I may start carrying my own!!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

I'm going to watch very carefully where my utensils come from!!!! In fact I may start carrying my own!!!!

Goooooooood idea!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Goooooooood idea!

It might be... you never know when your waiter might need a spoon to ahhhhh help reposition! he he he...we are soooo helpful, aren't we????

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

When the man at the auto repair shop told me that it would cost $1400 to
fix my car's air conditioning, I just laughed at him and said, "Hell, I can fix it myself for a whole lot less than that!"

Redneck A/C
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckAC.jpg

 

[pleaz_me]

From limiwa ...

When the man at the auto repair shop told me that it would cost $1400 to
fix my car's air conditioning, I just laughed at him and said, "Hell, I can fix it myself for a whole lot less than that!"

Redneck A/C
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckAC.jpg

Haaaaaaaaaa.......... that is PRECIOUS!

 

[techsan]

T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile
and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,

"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.

 

[wally2450]

Kids

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
students. "Human beings are the only animals that
stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could become, asked the girl to describe the
incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a
running start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say
"F*ck," the rottweiler ate him!"

 

[wally2450]

Do Not Disturb

 

[kayte]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
students. "Human beings are the only animals that
stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could become, asked the girl to describe the
incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a
running start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say
"F*ck," the rottweiler ate him!"

That is priceless wally ~ Thank you!

 

[kayte]

That attachment says it all!

 

[wally2450]

Lil Johnny

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class
that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone
whoanswers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in
the beach?"

Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher
asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could
answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow
answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them
black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end
of the day just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question,"
Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling
to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any
disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The
teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says,"Bill Cosby, see ya on
Tuesday!"

 

[wally2450]

Newlywed Jewish Wife

Selma telephones home with some
exciting news:

"Mama, I got married."
"Mazel Tov," says Mama.

"I might as well tell you, Mama, he's not of
our Faith."
"So he's a goy. But am I prejudiced?"

"But, Mama, he's also black."
"So he's a schvartzeh. By me, everybody
should be tolerant."

"Well, frankly, Mama, he's also unemployed."
"So, you'll support him. A wife should help
her husband."

"But, Mama, we have no place to live."
"Don't worry, Selma, dear. You'll move in
with us."

"But Mama, you have only one bedroom."
"That's okay. You and your husband can
have the bedroom."

"Yes, Mama, but where will you and Papa
sleep?"
"Papa can sleep on the couch in the living
room."

"Yes, Mama, but where will *you* sleep?"

"Selma, dear, about me you don't need to
worry. The minute I get off the phone...
I'm going to drop dead."

 

[wally2450]

Top 16 Changes after the Baby Arrives

16> Hubby drops to #2 on the list of people drooling at the sight
of your breasts.

15> Store clerks don't look at you so funny when you buy your
regular weekly supply of diapers.

14> Finally, someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least
for a year or so.

13> You develop a liking for minivans, sensible shoes, and a
deep-seated contempt for Michael Jackson.

12> You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your
round little belly anymore now that you're just FAT.

11> Goodbye, Happy Hour -- Hello, Happy Meal!

10> Can't leave the AK-47s under the couch anymore.

9> No longer get arrested for whipping out your breast on the
subway.

8> The realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.

7> Well, there goes the pet dingo.

6> Cases of Bud Light quickly replaced by cases of Butt Wipes.

5> Bundle of joy, my ass. Just another ingrate to buy cigarettes
for.
4> Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox", but the cat is
seriously torqued about it.

3> Mama cuts back to a sixer a day now that she's only "drinkin'
fer one."

2> For efficiency, your paycheck now direct-deposited to Disney.
and the Number 1 Change Now That the Baby has Arrived...
1> The closest you come to orgasm is when you think of sleep.

 

[wally2450]

Feast

 

[techsan]

So you thought Sinatra was dead, huh?

TURN UP YOUR SPEAKERS


Frank Sinatra Parody: You Are Either With Frank Or You Are With The Terrorists!

 

[kayte]

So you thought Sinatra was dead, huh?

TURN UP YOUR SPEAKERS


Frank Sinatra Parody: You Are Either With Frank Or You Are With The Terrorists!

That is priceless! Thank you {{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}} Going to be sharing the link darling.

 

[wally2450]

From limiwa ...

When the man at the auto repair shop told me that it would cost $1400 to
fix my car's air conditioning, I just laughed at him and said, "Hell, I can fix it myself for a whole lot less than that!"

Redneck A/C
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/RedneckAC.jpg

ROFLMAO!

 

[wally2450]

So you thought Sinatra was dead, huh?

TURN UP YOUR SPEAKERS


Frank Sinatra Parody: You Are Either With Frank Or You Are With The Terrorists!

Thats so funny!

 

[wally2450]

Old Folks Home

Frank is admitted to an old peoples home. he's a little lonely, so he
goes in search of a friend. After wandering around for a while he meets
Mabel. They strike up a friendship, every day they meet at the swimming
pool and chat, just passing the time of day. One day Frank says "do you
know what I miss the most about youth Mabel?" "no Frank, what?" she
repies. "Sex" he says. "ooh you randy old goat!" she squawks. "not like
that Mabel, I just wish sometimes that somebody would take my old chap
out and hold it" Mabel doesn't think that it can do any harm, so out it
comes. This continues for a week or so, nothing untoward, just gentle
holding. Well one day Mabel turns up to find that Frank is missing,
frantically she searches the old people home finally finding him at the
back of the shed with another old woman. "Frank!" she screams "what's
going on?, why are you seeing another woman?, what is it that she's got
that I haven't?" Frank replies "parkinsons".

 

[wally2450]

Stay and Chat

:d :d

 

[wally2450]

Stranded...

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:


- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with
the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a
pharmacy/liquor/store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant
in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're
satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman
will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature
of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they
can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household
chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her
relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why
didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all
rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin'
nowhere so she can go to the spa, get her nails done, get a "hot rock
massage", and go shopping...

 

[wally2450]

How True...

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the
Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands
on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of
cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the 3 captives
that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their
island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her
last wishes no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"
The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the
trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Bud." The Chief motions to some
of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with
the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is
thrown in the pot.
The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd also like a big
plate of escargots cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to
his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back
everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and
he is then thrown in the pot.
The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"
The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I
want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief is
bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply.
"I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief
shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him
as hard as he can. With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the
Chief and all of the other cannibals.
The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the
Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"
The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU
and the State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient provocation?"