Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From rozezwild ...
This was printed in the Good Housekeeping magazine in 1955 ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/GoodHousekeeping.jpg
This was printed in the Good Housekeeping magazine in 1955 ...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/GoodHousekeeping.jpg
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Wal-Mart!!!
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton
has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from
shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling
from
the trouble your husband has caused.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed
below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr.
Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-
minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restroom s.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
him, he begins to cry
and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's
those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door and waited awhile;
then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
********************************************************************************
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton
has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from
shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling
from
the trouble your husband has caused.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed
below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr.
Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-
minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restroom s.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
him, he begins to cry
and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's
those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door and waited awhile;
then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
********************************************************************************
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Bits of Humor
A Bit of Humor
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I state d this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher .
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... But it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
< /B>We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation . As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
****************************************************************************
A Bit of Humor
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I state d this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher .
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... But it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
< /B>We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation . As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
****************************************************************************
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just hate coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of y our clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
*********************************************************************************************
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just hate coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of y our clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
*********************************************************************************************
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches, who are getting on, get your asses on the train...because we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
********************************************************
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches, who are getting on, get your asses on the train...because we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
********************************************************
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
Dear Friend,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I
was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had
just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the
sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience
followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He
is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if
he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that
LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started
honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO!
Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my
window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to
share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny
beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with
only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my
teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he
said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or
something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned
out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying
this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of
the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask
what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the
light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and
brothers grinning, and drove on through the
intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got
through the intersection before the light changed
again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them
after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car
down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma
Dear Friend,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I
was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had
just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the
sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience
followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He
is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if
he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that
LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started
honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO!
Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my
window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to
share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny
beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with
only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my
teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he
said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or
something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned
out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying
this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of
the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask
what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the
light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and
brothers grinning, and drove on through the
intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got
through the intersection before the light changed
again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them
after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car
down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
The secret to a flat tummy has been discovered!
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing? "
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." say's the boy "Why is that"? asked his mom, puzzled?
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up".
*****************************************************************************************************
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing? "
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." say's the boy "Why is that"? asked his mom, puzzled?
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up".
*****************************************************************************************************
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
more Wal-Mart
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual sorting through a stack
of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.
to fill a job opening. After
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It
just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on
the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. " And now you sir?" he
asked the
second man.
"Hmm.! let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever
happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on
the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an
instant.
Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning
to
Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer
posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's
obvious to
me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!
************************************************************
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual sorting through a stack
of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.
to fill a job opening. After
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It
just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on
the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. " And now you sir?" he
asked the
second man.
"Hmm.! let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever
happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on
the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an
instant.
Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning
to
Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer
posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's
obvious to
me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!
************************************************************
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
more funny from a friend
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on
his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on
his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"
LovelyOnes
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 589
Politicians in Drag.....
I'll just let you think what you will about these.....
I'll just let you think what you will about these.....
Last edited:
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Pregnancy
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it
was okay to have sex during her pregnancy. He told them
that during the first trimester they could do it normal-
style, during the second trimester they should do it
dog-style and during the third trimester they were
limited to wolf-style.
"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?" "You
lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it
was okay to have sex during her pregnancy. He told them
that during the first trimester they could do it normal-
style, during the second trimester they should do it
dog-style and during the third trimester they were
limited to wolf-style.
"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?" "You
lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Confession
Little Johnny was taking confession, and he told the
priest that he was having impure thoughts about his
sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed,
it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you
have."
Little Johnny was taking confession, and he told the
priest that he was having impure thoughts about his
sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed,
it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you
have."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Funnies
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing." The
officer asks, "How long has she been gone?" "A month." "Why did you wait
so long to report it?" "Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a
dream."
====================================
Deb and Dave had just finished a vigorous round of passionate sex when
Dave discovered that the condom he was using had come off. After the
initial panic wore off and expletives were issued, Dave, in a fit of
humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while pointing it towards Deb's private
parts yelled: "Swim toward the light! Swim toward the light!"
====================================
While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this
on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards." Underneath,
someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing." The
officer asks, "How long has she been gone?" "A month." "Why did you wait
so long to report it?" "Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a
dream."
====================================
Deb and Dave had just finished a vigorous round of passionate sex when
Dave discovered that the condom he was using had come off. After the
initial panic wore off and expletives were issued, Dave, in a fit of
humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while pointing it towards Deb's private
parts yelled: "Swim toward the light! Swim toward the light!"
====================================
While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this
on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards." Underneath,
someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
The Computer Swallowed Grandma
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Grandma1.jpg
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely! ,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
This! is a tribute to all the Grandmas who have been fearless and learned to use the computer........ They are the greatest!!!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Grandma2.jpg
We do not stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing .
Never Be The First To Get Old! ,
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Grandma1.jpg
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely! ,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
This! is a tribute to all the Grandmas who have been fearless and learned to use the computer........ They are the greatest!!!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Grandma2.jpg
We do not stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing .
Never Be The First To Get Old! ,
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Boudreaux, the smoothest talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty one day. Boudreaux's first assignment was to the military induction center, and because he was such a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but would instead sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Iraq an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000.00.
If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mons, den da governmen' gots to give you beneficiary $200,000.00!"
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq first?"
Hi everybody!
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but would instead sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Iraq an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000.00.
If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mons, den da governmen' gots to give you beneficiary $200,000.00!"
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq first?"
Hi everybody!
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Funnies
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were going
at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little
wider. She does and they continue. A few minutes go by and he asks her
again, "open your legs a little wider". She does, then he asks again, "a
little wider hun". The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?" So
she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls in too?" He
says "no, I'm trying to get them out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl and her boyfriend got to the local pub. When it's the girls turn
to buy a round, she tells him that she has heard of a wonderful new
drink he simply must try. She returns with the usual half of lager for
herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of
baileys, the other lime juice. She hands him the glasses and says "ok,
what you have to do is, you gotta swig the baileys, hold it in your
mouth for a few seconds, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a bit
dubious, but shes very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First
the baileys; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he
takes the lime juice. 1 second: The cream in the baileys curdles 3
seconds: Boyfriends face turns the color of the lime juice 5 seconds:
Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge He turns to his
girlfriend and asks what the drink is called to which she whispers in
his ear, "Blowjob Revenge!"
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were going
at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little
wider. She does and they continue. A few minutes go by and he asks her
again, "open your legs a little wider". She does, then he asks again, "a
little wider hun". The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?" So
she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls in too?" He
says "no, I'm trying to get them out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl and her boyfriend got to the local pub. When it's the girls turn
to buy a round, she tells him that she has heard of a wonderful new
drink he simply must try. She returns with the usual half of lager for
herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of
baileys, the other lime juice. She hands him the glasses and says "ok,
what you have to do is, you gotta swig the baileys, hold it in your
mouth for a few seconds, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a bit
dubious, but shes very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First
the baileys; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he
takes the lime juice. 1 second: The cream in the baileys curdles 3
seconds: Boyfriends face turns the color of the lime juice 5 seconds:
Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge He turns to his
girlfriend and asks what the drink is called to which she whispers in
his ear, "Blowjob Revenge!"
Old People...
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors
down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors
down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people.
BlackWolf65
Alpha Lycan
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2006
- Posts
- 15,721
wally2450 said:
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From rozezwild ...
Difference Between Women And Men
1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a
$20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on
sale.
4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.
6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.
10.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Difference Between Women And Men
1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a
$20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on
sale.
4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.
6.CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.
10.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
- Status
