Laughter is Contagious

[LovelyOnes]

The Donkey

The priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PREIST'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey.

The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

Moral of the story?

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life... stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!!!!​

 

[limiwa]

The priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PREIST'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey.

The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

Moral of the story?

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life... stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!!!!​

LovelyOnes- this is a great thought to start any day! Thanks!

 

[wally2450]

The priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PREIST'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey.

The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

Moral of the story?

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life... stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!!!!​

LOL!!

 

[wally2450]

Childbirth Q@A

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain
I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery
room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to
you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver,
who will see me in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses,
orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning
crews, journalists, etc.

 

[wally2450]

Lucky Day

:d :d

 

[wally2450]

Difficult Customer...

For all those who have suffered in customer services:-


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as
a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability,
so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel.


Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long
robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really
look the part.


The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So
he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with an
accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden
Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a
f***ing toffee apple!

 

[techsan]

I NEED YOUR HELP!

I'm trying to find out which WalMart sells this mirror!!!


http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Mirror.jpg

 

[limiwa]

I NEED YOUR HELP!

I'm trying to find out which WalMart sells this mirror!!!


http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Mirror.jpg

ROFLMFAO

 

[techsan]

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.

She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?"

 

[techsan]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

 

[techsan]

A couple has been married for 50 years and are celebrating their anniversary. The wife asks what the husband wants for their anniversary and he replies, "I would like you to perform oral sex on me. In the 50 years we have married NEVER have you ONCE done this to me."

She replies, "It's just that I'm afraid that you won't respect me afterwards."

"Won't respect you afterwards!" he yells, "we have been married for 50 years for Christ sakes!"

"OK! OK! I'll do it just this one time!" She then bends down and gives him oral sex until he has an orgasm in her mouth. Immediately afterwards she runs to the bathroom. The phone rings next to the bed and he picks it up. He then yells to his wife, "Hey Cock sucker! it's for you!"

 

[pleaz_me]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

Heck... I can't say most of those first ones when I'm sober!

Ummm.... that last one is pretty easy to say

 

[limiwa]

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

 

[techsan]

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

ROTFLMAO

Yeah, I can think of one thing!

 

[limiwa]

lmao

Unanswered Questions

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use - toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

 

[copperbutterfly]

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

LMAO!!!!!!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Happy Sunday!!!



You Gotta Be Shittin' Me

You ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.

He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. .

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. .

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"

 

[wally2450]

Boudreaux's Fish'in Trip

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his
mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later! Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin . . . wif two more frogs.

 

[wally2450]

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

ROFLMAO!

 

[copperbutterfly]

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his
mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later! Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin . . . wif two more frogs.

ROFLMAO

Thanks wally!

 

[wally2450]

Senior Citizens

A very self-important college student attending a recent football game, took

it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it
was
impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young
people
of today grew up with hundreds of television channels, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have
nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing ....and," pausing to take another drink of beer......

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
young........so
we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shithead, what are you doing for

the next generation?"

I love senior citizens

 

[LovelyOnes]

Waht Religion is Your Bra?

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

 

[LovelyOnes]

Bra Sizes Explained

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

 

[limiwa]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

ROFLMAO Well I'll be Double Danged!!

 

[wally2450]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

LOL!!