Laughter is Contagious

[wally2450]

St. Peter vs Satan

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

 

[techsan]

Happy Sunday!!!
...
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"

ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO

 

[techsan]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

ROTFLMAO!

I love it...except for G ... I don't believe in reductions. I think F is Fabulous, G is Gigantic, and H is Huge ... and all of them are lovable!

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have
combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill
that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major
drug store chains and Walmart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called.....
.
.
.
.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Down.gif
.
.
.
.
.
"Pre-dick-a-mints!"
.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Frogs.gif​

 

[wally2450]

Religious Squirrels

There were four country churches in a small Minnesota town: The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But--The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

 

[LovelyOnes]

Irish Band Aids

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but
misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids. He then began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and Butt, and with his wife staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy replied, "And why would you be saying such a mean ting ?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the
house, it could be your bloodshot eyes--

but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror !

__________

​

 

[LovelyOnes]

Italian Mother

Mrs. Botchagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Mama can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure."

So he sends his Mom an email:

Dearest Mama,
I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it, I'm just saying that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Anthony


Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Mama:

Figlio mio,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own
bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama

 

[techsan]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick.
...
but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror !

__________

​

ROTFLMAO

That is hilarious!!!

 

[techsan]

Mrs. Botchagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
...
Love, Mama

HAHAHA...hehehe! Gotcha!

 

[techsan]

This is more of a chuckle than a laugh but ... I liked it.

Grandma's Apron

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath,
but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the
oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even
used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy
chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the
hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the
peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen
from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how
much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved
her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to
dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace
that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.


REMEMBER...

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.

Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

 

[done_got_old]

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?

After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

[techsan]

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?

After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

That's funny, DGO...didn't know old artists names would fit modern conditions so well.

 

[pleaz_me]

These are all wonderful! Thanks for the laughs everyone!

 

[wally2450]

"Why aren't you married yet?"

Comebacks to the age old question - "Why aren't you married
yet?"

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

What? And spoil my great life?

Because I just love hearing this question.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiance is awaiting parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running
personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my pay-
check.

 

[pleaz_me]

Comebacks to the age old question - "Why aren't you married
yet?"

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

What? And spoil my great life?

Because I just love hearing this question.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiance is awaiting parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running
personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my pay-
check.

How about... I want to skip the first marriage that's all about love and just wait for the second... the money investment

 

[techsan]

Two Tall Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

 

[techsan]

Trivial Pursuit

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

Answers are below.


1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.




They are all TRUE ... Now go back and think about #16!!!

 

[techsan]

This may have already been posted but I couldn't find it. From rozezwild ...

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO".

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down".

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She said "The son of a bitch used pennies"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

 

[wally2450]

This may have already been posted but I couldn't find it. From rozezwild ...

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO".

Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down".

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She said "The son of a bitch used pennies"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

ROFLMAO!

 

[kayte]

Something to think about

BELOIT COLLEGE'S MINDSET LIST®
FOR THE CLASS OF 2010

Members of the class of 2010, entering college this fall, were mostly born in 1988. For them: Billy Carter, Lucille Ball, Gilda Radner, Billy Martin, Andy Gibb, and Secretariat have always been dead.

1. The Soviet Union has never existed and therefore is about as scary as the student union.
2. They have known only two presidents.
3. For most of their lives, major U.S. airlines have been bankrupt.
4. Manuel Noriega has always been in jail in the U.S.
5. They have grown up getting lost in "big boxes."
6. There has always been only one Germany.
7. They have never heard anyone actually "ring it up" on a cash register.
8. They are wireless, yet always connected.
9. A stained blue dress is as famous to their generation as a third-rate burglary was to their parents'.
10. Thanks to pervasive headphones in the back seat, parents have always been able to speak freely in the front.
11. A coffee has always taken longer to make than a milkshake.
12. Smoking has never been permitted on U.S. airlines.
13. Faux fur has always been a necessary element of style.
14. The Moral Majority has never needed an organization.
15. They have never had to distinguish between the St. Louis Cardinals baseball and football teams.
16. DNA fingerprinting has always been admissible evidence in court.
17. They grew up pushing their own miniature shopping carts in the supermarket.
18. They grew up with and have outgrown faxing as a means of communication.
19. "Google" has always been a verb.

20. Text messaging is their email.
21. Milli Vanilli has never had anything to say.
22. Mr. Rogers, not Walter Cronkite, has always been the most trusted man in America.
23. Bar codes have always been on everything, from library cards and snail mail to retail items.
24. Madden has always been a game, not a Superbowl-winning coach.
25. Phantom of the Opera has always been on Broadway.
26. "Boogers" candy has always been a favorite for grossing out parents.
27. There has never been a "skyhook" in the NBA.
28. Carbon copies are oddities found in their grandparents' attics.
29. Computerized player pianos have always been tinkling in the lobby.
30. Non-denominational mega-churches have always been the fastest growing religious organizations in the U.S.
31. They grew up in mini-vans.
32. Reality shows have always been on television.
33. They have no idea why we needed to ask "...can we all get along?"
34. They have always known that "In the criminal justice system the people have been represented by two separate yet equally important groups."
35. Young women's fashions have never been concerned with where the waist is.
36. They have rarely mailed anything using a stamp.
37. Brides have always worn white for a first, second, or third wedding.
38. Being techno-savvy has always been inversely proportional to age.
39. "So" as in "Sooooo New York," has always been a drawn-out adjective modifying a proper noun, which in turn modifies something else

40. Affluent troubled teens in Southern California have always been the subjects of television series.
41. They have always been able to watch wars and revolutions live on television.
42. Ken Burns has always been producing very long documentaries on PBS.
43. They are not aware that "flock of seagulls hair" has nothing to do with birds flying into it.
44. Retin-A has always made America look less wrinkled.
45. Green tea has always been marketed for health purposes.
46. Public school officials have always had the right to censor school newspapers.
47. Small white holiday lights have always been in style.
48. Most of them never had the chance to eat bad airline food.
49. They have always been searching for "Waldo."
50. The really rich have regularly expressed exuberance with outlandish birthday parties.
51. Michael Moore has always been showing up uninvited.
52. They never played the game of state license plates in the car.
53. They have always preferred going out in groups as opposed to dating.
54. There have always been live organ donors.
55. They have always had access to their own credit cards.
56. They have never put their money in a "Savings & Loan."
57. Sara Lee has always made underwear.
58. Bad behavior has always been getting captured on amateur videos.
59. Disneyland has always been in Europe and Asia.

60. They never saw Bernard Shaw on CNN.
61. Beach volleyball has always been a recognized sport.
62. Acura, Lexus, and Infiniti have always been luxury cars of choice.
63. Television stations have never concluded the broadcast day with the national anthem.
64. LoJack transmitters have always been finding lost cars.
65. Diane Sawyer has always been live in Prime Time.
66. Dolphin-free canned tuna has always been on sale.
67. Disposable contact lenses have always been available.
68. "Outing" has always been a threat.
69. Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss has always been the perfect graduation gift.
70. They have always "dissed" what they don't like.
71. The U.S. has always been studying global warming to confirm its existence.
72. Richard M. Daley has always been the Mayor of Chicago.
73. They grew up with virtual pets to feed, water, and play games with, lest they die.
74. Ringo Starr has always been clean and sober.
75. Professional athletes have always competed in the Olympics.

© 2006 Beloit College, Beloit, Wisconsin

 

[Gypsybyrd]

New math

http://www.trichotomy.ca/nitin/LJPics/Work-Study.jpg

 

[pleaz_me]

Two Tall Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

*Thud*

 

[pleaz_me]

Trivial Pursuit

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

Answers are below.


1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
XXXXX
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.




They are all TRUE ... Now go back and think about #16!!!

I got them all right!

 

[pleaz_me]

BELOIT COLLEGE'S MINDSET LIST®
FOR THE CLASS OF 2010

Members of the class of 2010, entering college this fall, were mostly born in 1988. For them: Billy Carter, Lucille Ball, Gilda Radner, Billy Martin, Andy Gibb, and Secretariat have always been dead.
XXXXXXX
© 2006 Beloit College, Beloit, Wisconsin

Scary but soooooo true!

 

[pleaz_me]

http://www.trichotomy.ca/nitin/LJPics/Work-Study.jpg

LMAO! That is cute!