Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

His first marriage proprosal!!!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across
the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children,
hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the
next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to
have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

 

[pleaz_me]

His first marriage proprosal!!!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across
the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children,
hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the
next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to
have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

A giant woodpecker. There's no such thing as too big, huh?

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/U-Z/Woodpecker.jpg

 

[pleaz_me]

From limiwa ...

A giant woodpecker. There's no such thing as too big, huh?

Holy wow! Even I don't want anything that big!

 

[pleaz_me]

Definitions for Parents:

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed carrots.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a washrag."

 

[pleaz_me]

Shoe Repair

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

 

[pleaz_me]

The story of Creation

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.

 

[pleaz_me]

The overweight Blonde

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

 

[techsan]

Holy wow! Even I don't want anything that big!

Hi, p_m!

What do you mean, "Even I"...???

 

[techsan]

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like :


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response
time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.​

 

[pleaz_me]

Hi, p_m!

What do you mean, "Even I"...???

Lol... alright... maybe the other ladies could use something that huge, but I prefer something about an inch smaller than that

How are you doing Techie???

 

[pleaz_me]

You find out interesting things when you have sons, like :


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response
time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.​

LMAO! To think I've only had to experience 18 or so of these

 

[wally2450]

Scary but soooooo true!

Isn't that the truth!

 

[wally2450]

From limiwa ...

A giant woodpecker. There's no such thing as too big, huh?

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/U-Z/Woodpecker.jpg

LMAO!

 

[wally2450]

Kids

Reply with quote
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her
first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to
strike up a conversation but got no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do
the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a
conversation as well.

"How old are you?"

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you
are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old
that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist
asked . . . "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked,
"Can you count asshole?!"

 

[wally2450]

Classy Insults

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices
I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a
reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come
from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste
no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of
any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't
it."
- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new
play, bring a friend... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...
if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in reply
_________________

 

[wally2450]

LMAO! To think I've only had to experience 18 or so of these

Too funny!

 

[wally2450]

Date

Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They
had just finished a wonderful date and he was about to
drop her off at home.

The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe
looked into her eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I want to
tell you that you're the first girl I have ever loved."

"Oh no", Vickie groaned, "not another Rookie!"

 

[done_got_old]

Joe was walking with his new girlfriend Vickie. They
had just finished a wonderful date and he was about to
drop her off at home.

The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe
looked into her eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I want to
tell you that you're the first girl I have ever loved."

"Oh no", Vickie groaned, "not another Rookie!"

Good one!

 

[kayte]

All of the laughs are so funny. Thank you everyone!

Hope you like this one!



How To Save Your Ass


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.


The next day, the local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.


The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey. So she sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10!


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!!


The bishop was buried the next day.

 

[techsan]

Perfect Gift!

It was bedtime and Bubba was being chastised by his wife, who was very
upset because he had forgotten their wedding anniversary. She told him
that she "expected something in the driveway, in the morning, that was
brand new, would go from 0 to 200 in 7 seconds, and I'm serious!". The
next morning she woke up and looked out the window. In the driveway was a
small, carefully wrapped package with a big red bow on it. Confused, she
went down to the driveway and opened the package to find a brand new
Bathroom Scale.

Last report: Bubba's condition was fair.

 

[kayte]

Perfect Gift!

It was bedtime and Bubba was being chastised by his wife, who was very
upset because he had forgotten their wedding anniversary. She told him
that she "expected something in the driveway, in the morning, that was
brand new, would go from 0 to 200 in 7 seconds, and I'm serious!". The
next morning she woke up and looked out the window. In the driveway was a
small, carefully wrapped package with a big red bow on it. Confused, she
went down to the driveway and opened the package to find a brand new
Bathroom Scale.

Last report: Bubba's condition was fair.

Good evening {{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}} That is delightful!

 

[MsBug]

For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home.


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,

"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on

her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!

 

[MsBug]

Still like this one, and, as an Armadillo, bring on the kinky possums! heheh

YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN

Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes,they
need symbols that all true Southerners understand.

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but
tender on the inside.
Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can
look back over his life
and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You
can do something good
each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble
backgrounds. A Chitlin,
however, will make something of himself if he is
motivated and has lots of
seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they
may surprise you. They
can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with
Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an
overwhelming curiosity. You're
unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel
the need to bore deep
into the interior of everything. Needless to say,
you are very intense and
driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to
stay busy and tend to
work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going
to marry you, so don't
worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that
spends a lot of time on
the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical
appearance of Moon Pies.
Big and round are the key words here. You should
marry anybody who you can
get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going
to be easy. You always
have a big smile and are happy. This might be the
year to think about
aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with
life's difficulties, possums
have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a
don't-bother-me-about-it
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people
actually think you're
dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically
healthy but seems to
work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love
to watch you work and
play. You are a night person and mind your own
business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water
sign. If you work in an
office, you're hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to
the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the
bathtub to the living
room. You tend not to be particularly attractive
physically, but you have
very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius
for communication. They
love to get in the melting pot of life and share
their essence with the
essence of those around them. Collards make good
social workers,
psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your
personal life goes, if
you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just
won't work. Save yourself
a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are
traditionalists in matters of the
heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems
for loved ones.You Catfish
are never easy people to understand. You run fast.
You work and play hard.
Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the
clear surface of life, you
are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should
stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be
with others like
yourself. You like to huddle together with a big
crowd of other Grits. You
love to travel though, so maybe you should think
about joining a club. Where
do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy,
bacon, butter, or eggs
and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they
have all these things,
that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a
passionate desire to help your
fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best,
your friends and loved
ones, may find that your personality is much too
salty, and their criticism
will affect you deeply because you are really much
softer than you appear.
You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want
to because in a certain
way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life,
you can be sure that
people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter
Bean to a party because
Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as
a Butter Bean, should be
proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you
feel at home no matter what
the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However,
you, too, shouldn't have
anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to
develop a tough exterior,
but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A
good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and
insects. You are a
throwback. You're not concerned with today's
fashions and trends. You're not
concerned with anything about today. You're almost
prehistoric in your
interests and behavior patterns. You probably want
to marry another
Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky
mating possibility.

 

[Golden_Silence]

For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home.


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,

"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on

her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!

Rofl - priceless!!!