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Laughter is Contagious

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copperbutterfly said:
Lots of funny stuff as usual! Thank you all for the giggles and the laughs!



The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you." So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said...........

"Hello Darlin"
Click to expand...
ROFLMAO!! Love your av too!
 
wally2450 said:
ROFLMAO!! Love your av too!
Click to expand...

Thanks Wally for all the funny stuff you share! You always make me smile...
I hope this sharing brings a smile!


In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression. "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."


As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year!
(May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. The wigs couldn't be washed, so to clean them they could carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.


In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board was folded down from the wall and used for dining. The head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Once in a while, a guest (who was almost always a man) would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called the "chair man." Today in business we use the expression or title "Chairman or Chairman of the Board,"


Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." Also, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt and therefore the expression "losing face."


Ladies wore corsets which would lace up in the front. A tightly tied lace was worn by a proper and dignified lady as in "straight laced."


Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."


Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what was considered important to the people. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars who were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."


At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint-and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your 'P's and Q's,"


One more: bet you didn't know this!!!!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey". (And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)
 
You Gotta Love Wal-Mart!!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's Wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a Lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.!
 
Last edited:
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big

"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.

I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store

was locked up the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a

day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium

fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new

fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down

the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the

boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he

didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the

automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a

BOAT and a TRUCK?"


The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I

said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
 
trent0553 said:
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big

"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.

I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store

was locked up the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a

day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium

fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new

fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down

the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the

boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he

didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the

automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a

BOAT and a TRUCK?"


The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I

said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
Click to expand...

Thank you Trent ~ that was great!
 
techsan said:
From limiwa ...

TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS THEN OPEN THE LINK AT THE BOTTOM. IT IS
SPECIAL!


The elderly parking lot attendant wasn't in a good mood! Neither was Sam Bierstock. It was around 1 a.m., and Bierstock, a Delray Beach, Fla. Eye doctor, business consultant, corporate speaker and musician, was bone tired after appearing at an event. He pulled up in his car, and the parking attendant began to speak.

"I took two bullets for this country and look what I'm doing," he said bitterly. At first, Bierstock didn't know what to say to the World War II veteran. But he rolled down his window and told the man, "Really, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you." Then the old soldier began to cry. "That really got to me," Bierstock says.

Cut to today. Bierstock, 58, and John Melnick, 54, of Pompano Beach - a member of Bierstock's band, Dr. Sam and the Managed Care Band - have written a song inspired by that old soldier in the airport parking lot.

The mournful "Before You Go" does more than salute those who fought in WWII. It encourages people to go out of their way to thank the aging warriors before they die. "If we had lost that particular war, our whole way of life would have been shot," says Bierstock, who plays harmonica. "The WW II soldiers are now dying at the rate of about 2,000 every day. I thought we needed to thank them." The song is striking a chord. Within four days of Bierstock placing it on the Web, the song and accompanying photo essay have bounced around nine countries, producing tears and heartfelt thanks from veterans, their sons and daughters and grandchildren.

"It made me cry," wrote one veteran's son.

Another sent an e-mail saying that only after his father consumed several glasses of wine would he discuss "the unspeakable horrors" he and other soldiers had witnessed in places such as Anzio, Iwo Jima, Bataan and Omaha Beach.

"I can never thank them enough," the son wrote. "Thank you for thinking about them."

Bierstock and Melnick thought about shipping it off to a professional singer, maybe a Lee Greenwood type, but because time was running out for so many veterans, they decided it was best to release it quickly, for free, on the Web. They've sent the song to Sen. John McCain and others in Washington. Already they have been invited to perform it in Houston for a Veterans Day tribute - this after just a few days on the Web. They hope every veteran in America gets a chance to hear it. GOD BLESSES every veteran...and THANK you to those of you
veterans who may receive this!



CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO HEAR THE SONG AND SEE THE PI CTURES

http://www.managedmusic.com/beforeyougo.html
Click to expand...

Thank you for the link {{{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}} :kiss:
 
trent0553 said:
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
Click to expand...
OMFG... I'm *still* laughing...

However, as any male who has endured the trials of a woman in need of tampons will tell you, when *this* guy gets home, you just *know* that his wife is going to head for that big store and return home with a shotgun...
 
Techsan said:
From limiwa ...

TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS THEN OPEN THE LINK AT THE BOTTOM. IT IS
SPECIAL!


The elderly parking lot attendant wasn't in a good mood! Neither was Sam Bierstock. It was around 1 a.m., and Bierstock, a Delray Beach, Fla. Eye doctor, business consultant, corporate speaker and musician, was bone tired after appearing at an event. He pulled up in his car, and the parking attendant began to speak.

"I took two bullets for this country and look what I'm doing," he said bitterly. At first, Bierstock didn't know what to say to the World War II veteran. But he rolled down his window and told the man, "Really, from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you." Then the old soldier began to cry. "That really got to me," Bierstock says.

Cut to today. Bierstock, 58, and John Melnick, 54, of Pompano Beach - a member of Bierstock's band, Dr. Sam and the Managed Care Band - have written a song inspired by that old soldier in the airport parking lot.

The mournful "Before You Go" does more than salute those who fought in WWII. It encourages people to go out of their way to thank the aging warriors before they die. "If we had lost that particular war, our whole way of life would have been shot," says Bierstock, who plays harmonica. "The WW II soldiers are now dying at the rate of about 2,000 every day. I thought we needed to thank them." The song is striking a chord. Within four days of Bierstock placing it on the Web, the song and accompanying photo essay have bounced around nine countries, producing tears and heartfelt thanks from veterans, their sons and daughters and grandchildren.

"It made me cry," wrote one veteran's son.

Another sent an e-mail saying that only after his father consumed several glasses of wine would he discuss "the unspeakable horrors" he and other soldiers had witnessed in places such as Anzio, Iwo Jima, Bataan and Omaha Beach.

"I can never thank them enough," the son wrote. "Thank you for thinking about them."

Bierstock and Melnick thought about shipping it off to a professional singer, maybe a Lee Greenwood type, but because time was running out for so many veterans, they decided it was best to release it quickly, for free, on the Web. They've sent the song to Sen. John McCain and others in Washington. Already they have been invited to perform it in Houston for a Veterans Day tribute - this after just a few days on the Web. They hope every veteran in America gets a chance to hear it. GOD BLESSES every veteran...and THANK you to those of you
veterans who may receive this!



CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO HEAR THE SONG AND SEE THE PI CTURES

http://www.managedmusic.com/beforeyougo.html
Click to expand...

Thank you, Techsan... Though I was fortunate enough to never see combat, I can tell you that things like this mean more than anyone could ever know to anyone who has ever been in the military...
 
trent0553 said:
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big

"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.

I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store

was locked up the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a

day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium

fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new

fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down

the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the

boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he

didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the

automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a

BOAT and a TRUCK?"


The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I

said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
Click to expand...

And the kid should be made Manager...

Excellent lol
 
A Dog's Diary

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

A Cat's Diary

Day 183 of my captivity.

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.
 
techsan said:
A Dog's Diary

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

A Cat's Diary

Day 183 of my captivity.

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.
Click to expand...

Good afternoon {{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}} :kiss: Yes, that says it all!!
 
Safe Cracker

Safe cracker

The meaning of lots of phrases depend on where you live.

A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a victim's safe without knowing the combination;

In Arkansas, it's an AIDS-free girl on the pill.
 
Difference of opinion

A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest for peddling dirty pictures.
"But you're mistaken," said the kid. "These pictures aren't dirty."
Selecting one, the policeman said, "Do you mean to tell me this isn't a dirty picture?"
The young man responded, "Don't be such a prude, officer! Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"
 
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.
 
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador
Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had
a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in
the hospital.

I said no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my privates and a
car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the
door
 
 
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