Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear: 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

 

[techsan]

How true this is!!!

Here's something to think about:

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said.... "Then, why do you even give a shit?"

 

[techsan]

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following this simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before the morning was over I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

 

[wally2450]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in the
pints,
and were stuck in the thick heads.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the
beer and
started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!"

 

[done_got_old]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in the
pints,
and were stuck in the thick heads.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the
beer and
started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!"

LOL

 

[curl4ever]

LOL

Dear done_got_old,
I always like your avatar images, but I want to send you a special thank you for your new one. I happen to think "sexy" covers a wide spectrum, but this is one of the underrepresented facets that I happen to particularly like.
- curl

 

[wally2450]

Dear done_got_old,
I always like your avatar images, but I want to send you a special thank you for your new one. I happen to think "sexy" covers a wide spectrum, but this is one of the underrepresented facets that I happen to particularly like.
- curl

Yup, som'thin new for DGO.

 

[techsan]

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Easter007.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Easter006.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Easter005.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Easter004.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Easter003.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Easter002.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Easter001.jpg​

 

[curl4ever]

. . . <easter photos> . . .

Very nice! Thanks techsan!
- curl

 

[kayte]

Happy Hump Day everyone. A bit of trivia...



• Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.

• The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturi- Pukakpikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu - a New Zealand hill.

• Scientists in Australia 's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a Microwave in the building.

• Coca-Cola was originally green.

• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

• You can't kill yourself by holding your breath (or by strangling yourself with your own hands).

• It is impossible to lick your elbow.

• It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

• The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history. Spades - King David , Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

• Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is it? Answer - Honey!

• All polar bears are left handed.

• American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

• Butterflies taste with their feet.

• Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

• Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

• The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

• And finally, 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

 

[e-trance action]

What's the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

Men will spend an hour looking for a golf ball.

 

[wally2450]

Visiting the National Museum of the American Indian in Washington, D.C., my sister and I were admiring a beautiful tribal headdress decorated with eagle feathers. A man came up to us and identified himself as a Native American. "Do you know how warriors got those?" the man asked, pointing to the feathers. "They covered a hole with brush, tied a live rabbit on top of it and hid underneath. When an eagle swooped down for the kill, they would grab its wing or tail." "Fascinating," I said. "You learned that from your tribal elders?" "Actually, no," the man confessed. "I saw it on the Discovery Channel."

 

[techsan]

Sex on a Fence

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, 'I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.' So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, 'this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.'

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[curl4ever]

Sex on a Fence
. . .

Thanks, techsan! That was priceless.
-curl

 

[wally2450]

Sex on a Fence

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, 'I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.' So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, 'this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.'

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[wally2450]

Sunday Dinner for Italians...

Sunday Dinner for Italians Italians have a $40,000. kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook. There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch and backyard. The living room is filled with old wedding favors with poofy net bows and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open). A portrait of the Pope,Frank Sinatra, and Marlon Brando in the dining room. God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-are-dee, Franco American, Ragu, Prego or anything else in a jar. Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef. We are Italians, we don't care about cholesterol. Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna and soup. If anyone EVER says ES-CAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's SHCAROLE. If they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP, let the idiot know that there is no wedding, nor is there an Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs must be made by hand. No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you still came home from church after communion, you stuck half a loaf of bread in the sauce pot, snuck out a fried meatball and chowed down you'll make up for it next week at confession. Sunday dinner was at 2:00. The meal went like this... Table is set with everyday dishes...doesn't matter if they don't match...they're clean, What more do you want? All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonno & Papa's plate because they won't use napkins. Homemade wine and bottles of 7up are on the table. First course, Antipasto...change plates. Next, Macaroni (Nonna called all pasta Macaroni)...change plates. After that, Roasted Meats, Roasted Potatoes, Over-cooked Vegetables...change plates. THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL) would you eat the salad (HOMEMADE OIL & VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)...change plates. Next, Fruit & Nuts - in the shell (on paper plates because you ran out of the other ones). Coffee with Anisette (Espresso for Nonno, 'Merican' coffee for the rest) with hard Cookies to dip in the coffee. The kids go play...the men go to lay down. They slept so soundly you could perform brain surgery on them without anesthesia..the women clean the kitchen. Getting screamed at by Mom or Nonna - half the sentence was English, the other half Italian. Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you're in the living room. The true Italians will love this, those of you who are married to Italians will understand this, and those of you who are friends with Italians will remember and will forward it to their Italian friends!

 

[techsan]

Chinese couple

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night , she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anything you want, I do anything juss anything you want. You juss ask... So... Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence , this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her: "You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?"

 

[techsan]

A New Word For The American Dictionary

Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

 

[wally2450]

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all
of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
that I
am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago,
I
spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and
generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to
another
and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I
grabbed my
bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came
out so
well that the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA
tests
on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that
I was
no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

[wally2450]

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being
sworn in as American citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens
at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you filthy chauvinist pig," his wife, replied. "Tonight, you
cook the damn dinner and I get on top!"

 

[done_got_old]

Eunice went to the dentist the other day. It was discovered that she had a cavity that would have to be filled.

"Now, Eunice," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"

Without hesitation Eunice replied, "Chocolate, please."

 

[kayte]

Thank you Wally, Techsan and DGO. Those were all fantastic!

 

[wally2450]

March 19, 2007 was Einstein's birthday. He would
have been 128.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner
married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first
marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because
she was well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women
with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger
if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory
of Relative Titty.

Oh, be quiet... I didn't write this, I just received it
and sent it on to you!

 

[wally2450]

GUYS SUCK......and let me tell you why.

FARTING - How come it's cool for you to do it and disgusting if we do it. And must you lift your leg?

JOCK-ITCH - Get help! Do you see us scratch? We don't want to see you scratch either.

PORNOS - Why do you want to see other guys getting what you can't. By the way, it's not good for our skin.

PICK UP LINES - Not!

DOUBLE STANDARDS - If you can do it, why the hell can't we?

HONESTY - Learn the concept. It is a good thing.

SENSITIVITY - Get some!!!!

DEODORANT - It's only small change at the corner store. Buy it.

LOCKER ROOMS - Hello.....air freshner.

HEADS - We know you have two. Keep one in your pants and get the other out of your ass.

You can't beat up everyone who looks at us.

Being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any thing on legs.

Believe me, sex is NOT number one and you are NOT number one at it.

Why must you tell ALL of your friends about everything you do with a girl? They all had the same DREAM last night anyway.

Do not blame everything we do on P.M.S. You should be glad we're not pregnant.

Try matching your maturity level to your age.

We are NOT objects. We have feelings, thoughts and ideas. We can even form words like "FUCK YOU!!!"


There is more to life than playing cards and video games - How old are you??

Why do we have to look good and you can look like shit?

Can we eat like humans - utensils were made especially for this purpose. Ever heard of knives, forks, and spoons? How about napkins? (This does not include shirt sleeves.)

WAKE UP CALL! - Wasting a ton of money on tuition every year to get drunk, get laid, and play sports is fucking retarded. If you're interested, become a professional athlete and at least GET PAID for it.

I am not putting myself through school to carry your sorry, lazy ass through life.

BIRTHDAYS - If you can remember the size of your cock to the exact millimeter, then you can remember our birthday.

Rulers were not made to measure your genitalia. They were not made that small. Why measure it anyway? There will always be someone bigger and believe me, we can find him.

Romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing and then rolling over and going to sleep.

The one thing you are good for, you are not good at!

Remember Meg Ryan's famous 'faking an orgasm scene'? Sound familiar?

When we say we're lost without you, we're probably high.

When you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if it's not too much trouble, a dozen would be nice.

WANDERING EYES - We know you look. Try not to make it so obvious.

GET A CLUE! - When we say "HARDER!, FASTER!" we're not referring to your breathing pattern.

To the FEW nice guys who don't apply to these statements and never get the time of day, here's a note of hope.....WE'LL WISE UP SOONER OR LATER AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE. HANG IN THERE.

 

[techsan]

March 19, 2007 was Einstein's birthday. He would
have been 128.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner
married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first
marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because
she was well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women
with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger
if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory
of Relative Titty.

Oh, be quiet... I didn't write this, I just received it
and sent it on to you!

ROTFLMAO ... that's a good one, wally!!!