wally2450
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Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life..
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe..
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted.
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe..
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted.
PassionateLeo67
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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done_got_old
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OMG this was GREAT!
curl4ever
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Very funny!
-curl
PS to done_got_old: You have some hot taste in avatars!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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At The Park Bench
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in a Florida retirement community when a man sat down on the other end of her bench.
After a few moments, she asked, 'Are you new here?'
'I lived here years ago,' he replied. '
So where have you been since?' asked the woman.
'Prison,' the man replied.
'Oh! Why were you in prison?'
He quietly replied, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...'
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in a Florida retirement community when a man sat down on the other end of her bench.
After a few moments, she asked, 'Are you new here?'
'I lived here years ago,' he replied. '
So where have you been since?' asked the woman.
'Prison,' the man replied.
'Oh! Why were you in prison?'
He quietly replied, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...'
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, Grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, Grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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IF YOU'RE AS OLD AS I AM - THIS IS A RIOT!
The $2 Bill, Everyone should start carrying them! I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn't know they exist.
STORY:
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50.00:
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go "
Server: "That'll be $1.04 Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
Server: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, why won't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec." He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change "
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night..
Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
Manager: "We don't take those, either."
Me: "Why not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really, tell me why."
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall secu rity."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."
Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"
Manager: "Get this .. A two dollar bill."
Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weir d. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.
"Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah."
Security Guard walks ov to me and...... "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there too.
Just think...those two will be voting soon...............................
The $2 Bill, Everyone should start carrying them! I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn't know they exist.
STORY:
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50.00:
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go "
Server: "That'll be $1.04 Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
Server: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, why won't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec." He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change "
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night..
Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
Manager: "We don't take those, either."
Me: "Why not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really, tell me why."
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall secu rity."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."
Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"
Manager: "Get this .. A two dollar bill."
Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weir d. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.
"Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah."
Security Guard walks ov to me and...... "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there too.
Just think...those two will be voting soon...............................
wally2450
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Old Geezers
OLD GEEZERS
"Geezers" are easy to spot: At sporting events, during the playing of the Star Spangled BANNER. Old Geezers remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. Old Geezers remember the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor , Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War 1950-55, The Cold War, the jet age and the moon landing, the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005 the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam, If you bump into an Old Geezer On the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection. Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies or in e-mails. Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren. It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country. This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever. Thank God for Old Geezers! Pass this on to all the Old Geezers you know.
OLD GEEZERS
"Geezers" are easy to spot: At sporting events, during the playing of the Star Spangled BANNER. Old Geezers remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. Old Geezers remember the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor , Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War 1950-55, The Cold War, the jet age and the moon landing, the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005 the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam, If you bump into an Old Geezer On the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection. Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies or in e-mails. Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren. It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country. This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever. Thank God for Old Geezers! Pass this on to all the Old Geezers you know.
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- 12,353
There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his
son. They used to go everywhere together including looking
for "birds" (Chinese slang for prostitute). One day, Chung the son
decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive,
and before his son left, the father told him, "Chung we cannot look
for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to
look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please
state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not
suspect." So the son left, and after a month, the father received the
bill from Chung, the son,......(shooting bird - $300). Subsequently,
and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than
$700. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his
son. "Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some
cheaper one". A month later, Cheng, the father, received another
bill from his son. On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000
son. They used to go everywhere together including looking
for "birds" (Chinese slang for prostitute). One day, Chung the son
decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive,
and before his son left, the father told him, "Chung we cannot look
for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to
look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please
state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not
suspect." So the son left, and after a month, the father received the
bill from Chung, the son,......(shooting bird - $300). Subsequently,
and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than
$700. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his
son. "Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some
cheaper one". A month later, Cheng, the father, received another
bill from his son. On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
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- 14,521
LMAO ,,,,,,,,,,, super
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
New Blonde Joke
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful blond. The puzzled blond kept looking
at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from
her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time
deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not
being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt
as much as tennis elbow?"
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful blond. The puzzled blond kept looking
at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from
her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time
deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not
being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt
as much as tennis elbow?"
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- Dec 13, 2003
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- 269,162
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Good morning {{{{DGO}}}} You are welcome. Hope you like this one too.
Taking a break from the golf circuit nearby, Tiger Woods drove his new Mercedes SUV into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greeted him in the typical Irish manner, unaware who this 'Yank' golf celebrity was. 'Top of the morning' to ya!' the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.
As Tiger got out of the vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.
'So what are those, lad?' asked the attendant.
'They're called tees,' replied Tiger.
'Aye, and what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?' inquired the Irishman.
'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive,' said Tiger.
'AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph,' exclaimed the Irish attendant. 'Those Mercedes fellas think of fookin' everything.'
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
LMAO! That is funny...even tho' I've heard that a pig can't look up.
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
In its January 22, 2008 edition, the Quebec City newspaper, Le Soleil, had a topic about generations by age group.
Generations are grouped as follows:
- The Silent generation, people born before 1945.
- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.
- Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1976.
- Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989.
For the last one, one can ask why Y? A caricaturist explains it eloquently below...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/GenerationY.jpg
Generations are grouped as follows:
- The Silent generation, people born before 1945.
- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.
- Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1976.
- Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989.
For the last one, one can ask why Y? A caricaturist explains it eloquently below...
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/F-J/GenerationY.jpg
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full ofgolf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it)blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulgingpockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very longtime, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay out all night?
How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay out all night?
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- Jan 7, 2002
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- 135,693
Indian Mating Season
Two Indians and a Mississippi Hillbilly were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo ! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..."NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN!"
Two Indians and a Mississippi Hillbilly were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo ! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..."NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN!"
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Victoria Secrets and the Funeral
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
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