Laughter is Contagious

[Guest]

In other words

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

 

[Guest]

Assumptions

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

 

[done_got_old]

Top Ten Country & Western Songs


10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer



And the Number One Country & Western song is...







1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long

 

[curl4ever]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
...

Stunningly good! Thanks for brightening my day so superbly!

 

[done_got_old]

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.


The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...


'CELEB R ATE !!! '

 

[Guest]

I got this via e-mail from one of my friends. Crazy guy. I laughed. Alot. I'm still not sure why.

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.

I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece.

I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.

I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car.

I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund.

He was retarded.

In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals.

I laughed.

They punched me in the genitals.

I stopped laughing.

When I got home, I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died.

No apparent reason.

They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.

God damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals.

That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose.

It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable.

I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, and The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.

So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys.

I felt better.

I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.

I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either.

I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts.

My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.

Ingrates.

So I punched them in the genitals.

God, I like monkeys.

 

[curl4ever]

A young monk arrives at the monastery.
...

PRICELESS!!!

 

[kayte]

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.


The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...


'CELEB R ATE !!! '

{{{{{{{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you! That is just as funny when I read it this time as the first time I read it. Some things are just always funny!

 

[kayte]

Economic downturn affecting Britain!

 

[smoothdevil]

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

---------------------------

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...


'CELEB R ATE !!! '

lol lol ... the pen is ....... lol lol

 

[Guest]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

GOD is missing, and they think we did it ! !

 

[Guest]

Life Lessons

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

** Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized. “Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

** Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Pouf! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Pouf! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up next,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

** Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
“Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle answered, “Sure, why not?”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

** Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed
the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the
bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

** Moral of the story:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

** Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

[wally2450]

When the aged president of the company was out of town,half a dozen of his senior executives got together to plansome way to ease the old coot out of the driver's seat. Totheir horror, the executive VP's secretary buzzed himhalfway through the meeting to inform him that the presidenthad come back early and was on his way to see him. "If he catches us all here he'll know exactly what we're up to," cried the VP. "Quick, you five jump out the window!" "But we're on the thirteenth floor," protested the treasurer. "Jump!" yelled the VP. "This is no time for superstition!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

........................

** Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Super ..... ..........................

 

[omahaman2]

Larry Flynt announced he’s making a porn movie with a Sarah Palin look-alike. John McCain called the idea offensive; Barack Obama called it inappropriate, and Bill Clinton said he’ll reserve judgment until he sees the film.

 

[kayte]

Teacher Arrested!

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, believed to be a McCain staffer, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-gebra is a problem for us,' Ted Kennedy, the Attorney General said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles, used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.''

When asked to comment on the arrest, Senator Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' Democratic leaders told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Senator and the press swooned.

 

[Guest]

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made,

And everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed

“Dad” with worst premonition , he opened the envelope , with trembling hands…

“Dear” Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I am writing to you .I had to elope with my

New girlfriend , because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy , and she is so nice , but I knew you

Would not approve of her , because of all her piercings , tattoos , her tight

Motorcycle clothes , and because she is so much older than I am.

But it is not only the passion , Dad. She is pregnant . Stacy said that we will be very happy . She owns a trailer in the woods , and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter .We share a dream of having many more children . Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.

We’ll be growing it for ourselves , and trading it with other people in the commune ,

For all the cocaine and ecstacy we want.

In the meantime we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS , so Stacy can get

better. She sure deserves it!



Don’t worry Dad , I’m 15 , and I know how to take care of myself.



Someday , I’m sure we’ll be back to visit , so you can get to know your grandchildren.





Love ,



Your son ,



John





P.S: Dad , none of the above is true . I’m over at Tommy’s house.



I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report

That’s on my desk.





I Love you





Call me when it’s safe for me to come home.

 

[done_got_old]

My Dear Honey,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 50 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 50 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 50 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 50 a lot more times than 50 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

 

[Guest]

My Dear Honey,

Hehe

 

[kayte]

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made,

And everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed

“Dad” with worst premonition , he opened the envelope , with trembling hands…

“Dear” Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I am writing to you .I had to elope with my

New girlfriend , because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy , and she is so nice , but I knew you

Would not approve of her , because of all her piercings , tattoos , her tight

Motorcycle clothes , and because she is so much older than I am.

But it is not only the passion , Dad. She is pregnant . Stacy said that we will be very happy . She owns a trailer in the woods , and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter .We share a dream of having many more children . Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.

We’ll be growing it for ourselves , and trading it with other people in the commune ,

For all the cocaine and ecstacy we want.

In the meantime we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS , so Stacy can get

better. She sure deserves it!



Don’t worry Dad , I’m 15 , and I know how to take care of myself.



Someday , I’m sure we’ll be back to visit , so you can get to know your grandchildren.





Love ,



Your son ,



John





P.S: Dad , none of the above is true . I’m over at Tommy’s house.



I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report

That’s on my desk.





I Love you





Call me when it’s safe for me to come home.

Good morning WK ~ That is wonderful, keeping all in perspective!

 

[kayte]

My Dear Honey,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 50 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 50 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 50 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 50 a lot more times than 50 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Good morning {{{{{{DGO}}}}} Yes, that sums it up perfectly.

 

[smoothdevil]

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made,

And everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed

............................



I Love you





Call me when it’s safe for me to come home.

LOL LOL LOL ..... my answer would have been ... when HELL freezes over SON ....

 

[done_got_old]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying 'God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, and God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, 'God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE.

He asked 'What'??????

She said 'This morning our neighbor James suddenly died.'

 

[done_got_old]

Haunted Houses

http://blownmortgage.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/halloween.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.thegriffinfamily.us/maxine/Maxine002.jpg​

Thoughts from Maxine for many people


Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? Yes!



Think about this one:

1. Cows
2..The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments



C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.


T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

PART OF THE PROBLEM
Also, Think about this: If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone-- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!