Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

1. Paying

A couple was participating in a blood drive and, as part of the pre-screening process, an elderly volunteer asked them, 'Have you ever paid for sex?'
Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm their newborn while watching several other children get into various forms of trouble, he sighed and said, 'Every time!'

2. Amish Q & A

Q. What do you call an Amish man with his hand up a horse's rear end?
A. A mechanic!

 

[smoothdevil]

Importance of Walking



Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months
in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more
information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!

 

[kayte]

Importance of Walking



Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months
in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more
information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!

Thank you {{{{{{Smooth}}}}} That is priceless. Must send a copy to my folks.

 

[kayte]

Send Service Vets over 60!



I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.



For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.



Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.



An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.



If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.



Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.



They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.



Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.



An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.



These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.



Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.



If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!



Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

 

[done_got_old]

The New Generation of Contraception

The New Generation of Contraception

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill​

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called .........
































"Pre-dick-a-mints"

 

[smoothdevil]

The New Generation of Contraception

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill​

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called .........


"Pre-dick-a-mints"

SUPER .... LMAO

 

[done_got_old]

funny

 

[kayte]

The New Generation of Contraception

Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill​

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called .........
































"Pre-dick-a-mints"

That is so bad it is great!

 

[kayte]

funny

That sure is! Thank you so much.

 

[Kowboy61]

funny

I have seen this before and I still love it. Thank you DGO.

 

[smoothdevil]

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out awhile.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything..

 

[kayte]

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out awhile.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything..

Thank you {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}} Those are great.

 

[kayte]

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'All those for me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied.
'The rest are for your father.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'All those for me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied.
'The rest are for your father.'

LMAO .... super

 

[smoothdevil]

Virility

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks,

You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asks again,

'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I'm Norwegian.'

 

[kayte]

Virility

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks,

You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asks again,

'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I'm Norwegian.'

ROTFLMAO!

 

[kayte]

At The (Adult) Theater

Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos.
After the sessions, he couldn't wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play.
The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno movie and it was out now.
Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the adult movie theater.
He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding.
The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he'd ever seen... halfway through a dog even got in on the action. Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, 'I'm only here for the music.'
The woman looked back and whispered, 'It's okay. We're just here to see our dog!'

 

[wally2450]

After the speech in Berlin, Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white



from the neck up to the top of his head.





In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to give up his hopes to be president, he called his doctor and told



him of his problem.







The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.







After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama, and told him to drink it all.







Obama drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bullshit!'







The doctor replied, 'It was. You were a quart low.'

 

[wally2450]

"A Brown University graduate student in biology is wanted now
for allegedly stealing a herpes virus from the university lab.
That's when you know you're a nerd, when you have to steal
the herpes virus instead of going out and catching it in the
wild like everyone else."

 

[done_got_old]

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find ou t how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed."I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t -to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

 

[smoothdevil]

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find ou t how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

--------------------------

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

Super Super ... lol lol lol

 

[kayte]

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find ou t how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed."I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t -to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

WOW! A joke found on a Lit thread I can share with my entire family.

 

[done_got_old]

WOW! A joke found on a Lit thread I can share with my entire family.

Come on now. I post a lot of 'family friendly jokes'! Okay, I'll post more of them from now on..........just for you.

 

[smoothdevil]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.



This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts but not listening to them.

 

[smoothdevil]

thoughts


Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.


Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said, 'Implants?' She hit me!


How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over fifty for Miss America ?


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!


When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'


Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!


Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it.....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'


And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.