Laughter is Contagious

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Real things said in court
These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
 
Final Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room
 
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!

A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered
in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his
abdomen and the woman had hers around her head.

They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that
evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman
crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or
what??).

While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp
down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the
head until she let go.

True story

:eek:
 
Real things said in court
These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

------------------------

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

G R E A T ................... LMAO
 
Great Jewish Sex

The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end !"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes !"

The Jewish man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours !"

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours ?"
.
.
.
.
The Jewish man said, " I wiped my hands on the bedspread."
 
The first one is for DGO

In 2009 the government will start deporting all of the weird old people. I started crying when I thought of you. Run, my friend, RUN !!!! Well, what can I say? Someone sent it to me & I'm not going alone.

QUOTE FOR TODAY

"Life is a quarry, out of which we are to mold and chisel and complete a character." --Goethe "Optimists make the best of it when they get the worst of it." --Unknown "If passion drives, let reason hold the reins."
 
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only R150.00."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in some brothel in Hillbrow and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters..

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Graeme comes home.

"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients... Howzit', Graeme?"
 
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
Girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"


The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a
Safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
Light on the back of it."


The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got
there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.


The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
 
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at a Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched, full-out, on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a very pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park"?
 
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
Girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"


The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."


Super .... lol lol
 
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,'
she retorted indignantly. In this country, we don't speak aloud in public
places about our sex lives.'

Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'
 
Little Mary Margaret

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?' the Nun asked.
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, Who is our Lord and savior?' But she didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question ... 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted: 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
That's when the Nun fainted...
 
A Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,

The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)
 
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cursing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
 
Faith

There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front
porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'


One day an atheist moved into the house next door.

He became irritated at the little old lady.

Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE
IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.



One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto
her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no
food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge
bags of groceries sitting there

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:

'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE
THE LORD!

HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'
 
A Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,

The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)

LOL LOL LOL ..... sad but true
 
TGIF everyone! :D

1. Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
(Now THAT really has to build client confidence...NOT!)

2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
(Just make sure you prepare lots of cookie dough.)

3. Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
(And tougher than death would be?)

4. Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
(He was wearing a jumper?)

5. After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
(This, of course, confirms what we always suspected about California.)
 
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?" He thought for a moment and then said, "I would pass an offering plate."

He got the job.
 
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?" He thought for a moment and then said, "I would pass an offering plate."

He got the job.

Good afternoon {{{{{DGO}}}}} That is great.
 
Bears In Bars

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.'
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.'
The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.'
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'
The bear says, 'I'm NOT on drugs.'

(You're gonna love this...)

The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.'
 
Bears In Bars

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.'
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.'
The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.'
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'
The bear says, 'I'm NOT on drugs.'

(You're gonna love this...)

The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.'

ooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww .... lol lol lol
 
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